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Brian Rihlmann Sep 2018
I was sitting
at the front desk
of the gym where I worked,
when my friend Bobby
walked in.

We chatted awhile,
until he grimaced,
stepped back from the counter,
lifted a leg
and cut a loud ****
of the earth shaking variety.

“Jesus!” I said,
as we both giggled
like schoolboys.

Just then we both heard
the click click
of high heels coming
out of the locker room
and down the hallway.

He looked at me, wide eyed,
grabbed his gym bag,
and bolted
into an adjacent room.

Leaving me there,
in all of It.
****.

And it was the one
I feared it might be,
she of the goddess face
and statuesque figure,
whom we both coveted.

There she was,
click clicking her way
toward me,
right into It.

She smiled, said
“Have a nice day...”
“Day” trailing off
as she reached the
cloud’s odiferous perimeter.

She snorted somewhat,
looking at me
with furrowed brow,
then turned her head
and click clicked quickly
out the door.

I sighed,
hung my head in defeat,
but was unable
to suppress
a creeping grin.

Well played,
you *******.
Brian Rihlmann Aug 2018
I found the secret to happiness
he tells me

his cheeks are red
and his left eye blackened
his arms a patchwork
of purple bruises
I take the bait and ask

I dont think anymore
he says
Ever?
If I do I slap
or pinch myself

A moment of silence
while I consider this
and then
Slap!

I flinch at the sound
look over
as he turns toward me
grinning
a tiny crack
in his lower lip
leaking blood

He does seem happy though
Brian Rihlmann Jul 2018
The way we spend our money
after the days and weeks,
the years served
in dead end jobs,
inside buildings
like grey prisons...

It’s like we want to get rid of it
as quickly as possible,
the same way
we wanted those hours,
those days
on the job
gone,
like bedbugs or the clap,
or some flea infested stray
scratching at the door.
Brian Rihlmann May 2018
My eyes open to a room
filled with blurry shapes,
creeping shadows.

A distant car horn
sounds three feet away.
I jump, chest pounding.

Vibrations begin
from deep inside,
spread to hands, fingertips.

I lay still a moment, on my back,
hands folded over my chest,
breathing, staring at the ceiling.

My sodden brain itches
with black whispers
of inevitability.

I sigh and roll over, reach,
trembling fingers touch plastic.
Uncap the bottle and gulp.

Throat burns red
as lukewarm *****
fills raw emptiness.

I retch, hand to lips.
Another swallow, easier,
creeps through veins.

Liquid embrace
soothes every nerve
silences the whispers.

I sit up in bed,
look at the clock.
Work in a couple hours.

Drag myself into the shower,
brush teeth, scraping
white fuzz off my tongue.

Stop for a bottle on the way in.
Stare down as the clerk
slides change across the counter.

I think I’ll make it today,
but how many more like this,
and where does it end?
Brian Rihlmann Feb 2018
Your daydreams
were my first drug
long before the bottle.
Even now, you ******
with fantasies of revenge,
the perfect woman,
world peace.
Is there an “I” without you?
Are you even “mine”?
You seem to believe
you could survive without me,
that you are immortal, omniscient.
Sometimes you are a friend,
more often an enemy,
like an abusive spouse
I cannot leave.
Master and slave,
liar and prophet,
giving with one hand
stealing my life with the other.
The lies you tell
about what others think
are the worst.
You con me into believing
your story is true.
Occasionally I catch you
at what you are doing.
I shine a light on you,
and you disappear.
You’re nowhere and everywhere,
I hear your laughter,
mocking the oracle’s injunction
to “know thyself.”
Brian Rihlmann Aug 2018
I’m leaning against
a white fence
looking at a bare spot
where the paint has
chipped away

I think:
someone should paint this

as my hand reaches out
and my thumbnail
peels another large slab
exposing the grain

and I smile
Brian Rihlmann Aug 2018
"Take another drink!"
he'd command
in his mellow baritone
when I began whining over
the betrayals and treachery
he'd probably seen
a thousand times.

I first met him
as I was lugging boxes
up the stairs
into that shabby
rooming house,
home to eight of us
castaway bachelors.

He and I became friends,
fifty years between us,
and we'd sit
in his cramped dingy room
lined with bookshelves,
drinking whiskey
talking about philosophy
and telling stories
of battles fought.

Mine were of
drunken nights,
bar fights,
trashed apartments
and fingernail marks
from skirmishes
with crazy women
with wildcat eyes.

His were of Normandy
and his army buddy
ripped by shrapnel
bleeding out in seconds
as he watched helplessly.
His voice cracked in the telling
as I shrank in my chair.

And I remember now
that he wrote poetry.
Poems I didn't understand
but how could I?
They were written
in bombs, bullets and blood,
and camping under bridges,
pedaling north along the coast
on a rusty bicycle,
after leaving a mental hospital
when the war was over.

He's dead ten years now.
When I last
said goodbye,
we shook hands
standing in the hallway
of that sagging old house.

He looked at me, said
"There's no easy way
to do this, kid."
Then he turned
and walked into his room,
closed the door
he usually left open.

I still have a poem of his,
written down somewhere
I can't find....

I'm rambling now...
there's no easy way
to end this either.
Brian Rihlmann Feb 2018
“I have no life.”
These words, spoken ruefully
or in jest, matters little.
The meaning is the same:
my life, as it is,
not important enough,
not exciting enough,
not good enough,
not enough.

Thousands of messages
in a lifetime,
telling us this.
It’s good for business
after all.
Buy the car,
make a statement,
people will notice you.
Join our church
you’re separate from God,
a sinner, we can help.
You need this, and that,
see what others are saying,
dont want to be left out.
Can’t get laid without the cologne,
won’t be loved without the diamond ring.

Our souls crucified
on all these lies,
we go insane,
and wonder why.
“You’re not enough,
go buy more stuff.”
I’d love to see
an ad like that.

If you can reclaim yourself
from beneath the rubble
of all the shoulds, and musts,
you will have achieved something.
As for the rest:
**** it.
All of it.
Brian Rihlmann Jul 2018
I ate their seeds
swallowed some
spit out the rest
waited til they opened
my cage and flew
branch to branch
town to town
and into a few windows
I confused with sky.

A few nests
along the way
lived in a building
or two that burned
and escaped
singed but not ashen.

No Phoenix here
just a solo blackbird
pecking for scraps
in parking lot cracks
scars hidden
from sunlight’s gaze
under dark feathers.

Now I only fly sometimes
gliding not too high
on black wings
with rainbow sheen
I sing my songs
a bit hoarse
and off key.
Brian Rihlmann Nov 2018
From lighter flame
to cigarette
into ash flicked,
and stubbed out.

The bottle poured
into drunkenness
and a dark *******
hangover hiding
from another day,
leaking blue
through dusty blinds.

From one woman
to the next, and
from night to night,
weekend to weekend...

The future becomes now,
arriving like an empty box
abandoned at the door.
Brian Rihlmann Jul 2018
She’s at the bar beside me
trembling and
wiping her eyes
and swaying a little,
brushing against me
with her *******
now and then.

I’ve seen her around.
We’ve talked before.

I’m not bad she says,
I’m not a bad person.
Her fists are clenched
like she’s gonna
throw a punch.

I ask, but she
shakes her head,
shuts her eyes.
I don’t ask again.

I buy her a shot.
She drinks it,
keeps saying
I’m not bad,
I’m a good person,
deep down I’m good.

Her mouth says this
as her mascara runs
and her fists clench.

I light her cigarette
watch it glow
as she *****,
exhales through red lips,
sways on stiletto pumps,
steadies herself
with a hand on my chest,
as I think of what to say
that might help her
back to my apartment.
Brian Rihlmann Mar 2018
It happened again
the other day.
I awoke from a nap
and as I often sleep
with my head on my arm
my hand was numb.  
Is this it?
Am I having a stroke?
A heart attack?
I shook my hand furiously
until the feeling returned
to my panicky fingers.
My heart slowed,
I breathed, and lay still.
Mid forties, now,
my awareness of it
no longer merely conceptual.
You really can’t remind yourself
often enough:
You’ll be gone
before you know it.
You’re going back
to what you were.
To fertilize the grass,
feed insects and birds,
fly, and fall as rain,
and be breathed and drank
by those who come after.
All the money and power,
hopes and fears,
memories, identities
and cherished accomplishments
once clenched in tight fists
passing as effortlessly on
as your last breath.
Remember all this,
then choose how to live.
But we don’t.
Brian Rihlmann Sep 2018
As I’m sitting
on the living room sofa,
eating a bowl
of fish and rice,
my other roommate
passes through
on his way to the kitchen,
asks “What’s up?”

“Not much” I say
as I watch him wobble
through the room
on skinny legs
in his bathrobe
at noon on a Saturday.

The fridge door squeaks open,
he’s in there a minute or so,
then he wobbles back through
empty handed,
goes into his room,
and shuts the door.

After I finish eating,
I wash my bowl,
open the fridge and count:
six beers left in his twelve pack.

There were nine in there
just a few minutes ago.
How...? Did he have them
shoved up his ***?
Maybe that robe has pockets...

I’m going on ten months
as a teetotaler,
and that *******
cardboard box
is always sitting there,
shiny cans winking at me
as I grab an apple
or a piece of leftover chicken.

I hope this doesn’t turn into
another one of those days
where he crashes face first
into the coffee table,
and I pick him up off the floor
and guide him to bed
as his nose drips blood
on the carpet,
and on me.
Brian Rihlmann Sep 2018
I'm sitting on the curb,
I see a rusty old bolt
laying on the pavement.

I pick it up,
turn it and feel
its heft,
its cold edges,
my fingers
now stained orange.

I run fingertips
over threads
still sharp,
not stripped.

It once held
something together,

and still could.
Brian Rihlmann Feb 2018
I hope one day
I can look at life,
and at you,
like a newborn
that hasn’t yet learned
to smile, or frown,
or the unwritten law
of when he must turn
from the gaze
of the other.
Until then,
sometimes
I just have to stare
at my shoes.
Brian Rihlmann Oct 2018
Step outside from the cool
and feel a heaviness
to the desert air,
a rare bit of moisture
that brings out scents
of pine and sage
and garden flowers.

White cloud tops billow
high into the blue,
shades of grey underneath,
but no sheets of rain yet fall
against distant brown hills,
no jagged light cracks
like a whip
across the eggshell sky.

At the park I stop to sit
beneath a pine tree.
Three crows glide in,
land in the branches above
cawing noisily,
peering black eyed down
through olive needles
and prickly cones.

No breeze tickles
skin or sways grass
as the clouds darken
and swell.

And I wait.

And the crows wait.

And the desert,
finally,
outwaits us all.
Brian Rihlmann Sep 2018
grow thicker skin
like us
they say

also...
calm down
snap out of it
and let it go

advice
from friends
who seem to think
I'm someone else

they love him
this someone else
they've painted
this potential me
created in their image

while the flesh me
fails to explain
the experience
of this pulsing
straightjacketed
brain

the drop of errant blood
that pollutes the rest

what it's like
treading water with
concrete shoes

and how I tiptoe
like a cat burglar
around double helix
spiral staircases
trying to avoid
the mischievous child
who hides in dark corners
lobbing sticks of dynamite
in my path

I explain all this
but they are not appeased

they trumpet laughter
through their scaly trunks

I turn and walk
out the door into
my daily hailstorm
unprotected
Brian Rihlmann Aug 2018
Now when I look at you,
I see your roses
untended,
burning in the sun,
petals falling to the ground
withered and brown.

The sun is my co-conspirator
and I cast no shadow
as we watch them burn.

I do not smile,
but nor will I spill
a drop of water
or even spit
on their thorny stems.

As though etched
on a tablet of stone,
this image persists,
and I have no hammer
to smash it to bits.
Brian Rihlmann Sep 2018
Unable to not peek
where I shouldn’t,
fingers clicking,
stalking fibrous cables
at light speed
in the wee hours,
seeking clues
to your disappearing act
as I toss back
beer after beer.

Deciphering posts
like a savant reading code.

Aha! a photo:
you with a new boyfriend,
some *******
with a face tattoo.

I think I recognize
that neighborhood behind you...
that street sign there,
but it’s too blurry to see.

He won’t last, anyway
do I warn him about you?

Let’s check out
his page....

A gun nut? Really?
AND a big diesel pickup
with chrome stacks like a semi truck.

Compensating, no doubt.

I smile at the thought
of you, after,
unsatisfied
by the thing
he’s compensating for,
with your lying pillow talk.

He leaves, and
you reach in the drawer
of the nightstand
for your little blue toy.

Is this better than
driving by your house
at three a.m.,
counting the number
of cars in the driveway?

Or banging on the door,
drunk, or smashing a bottle
through the window
like I would have
when I was still young
and really *******
alive?
Brian Rihlmann Jul 2018
I curse the moon
for rising tonight,
the audacity
to shine its sliver of light
across my darkness.

May it be swallowed up
by the night
as I am
by this bed
and this blanket
pulled over my head.

I used to think about you
and hold my pillow
as it molded itself
to my shape.

But no more -
there was too much hope
in that pillow,
the way it fit against me
so perfectly.
Brian Rihlmann Feb 2018
A love song
still brings goosebumps
like tiny fingers.
Even my skin
wants to reach out.
We meet, and I know this feeling:
the spark, the currents flowing
between us.
Do I trust it now,
as I have before?  
Or am I too tired
for this, anymore?

I remember being young
watching TV romances
bloom and wither
and wondering why
adults complicate things so.
It must be an act,
they must be pretending,
I thought...

And aren’t we?
Maybe it’s that
I’m tired of,
and not merely
another lost love.
Brian Rihlmann Feb 2019
Don’t hide
behind those drapes, boy...
come on out here,
let us have a look at you.

Does he do any tricks?

Shake his hand, son.
Don’t be shifty eyed
or stare at your shoes,
they’ll think
you’re hiding something.

Speak up!
Be a man!
Stand up for yourself,
shout the other guy down.

Maybe you can be
president someday.

All you do is sit
in your room,
playing with blocks,
reading books...

Why don’t you play
with the other children?
Get out there in the crowd!

What are you doing
roaming in those woods
all by yourself?

What will you do
with all those books you read?

Come on...
we’re going to town,
gonna do some shopping.

I know it’s loud,
but you’ll get used to it.

Gotta be prepared
for car horns,
jackhammers,
gunfire...

What are you doing
over there?
Don’t turn that over.
Leave it be.

And smile for the camera!
Come over here,
into the light.
Don't skulk around
in the shadows
like our guilty conscience.

Aww...it’s all right.
You’re just a bit cracked.
Here...a little putty,
a little paint,
and look how you shine!
Brian Rihlmann Aug 2018
She wasn't shy
about telling her friends
she was banging him
for his bank account,
hundred grand and change.

A retirement plan,
of sorts.

She met him
while pouring drinks
at some biker bar dive,
a pseudo Vietnam vet,
beer belly, mostly toothless,
his battle stories
straight outta Hollywood.

And it wouldn't be long,
she said
with him looking
a bit yellow
but still hammering back shots
at the casino bar,
while she played
slot machines two at a time
a handle in each hand.

Occasionally, he'd yell,
"Let's go get a room
so you can **** my ****!"

I saw her after the inevitable,
said sorry to hear about Tommy.
(You never know...
there could have been
some human feelings)

And she smiled,
said "Yeah..."
her tone chipper.

She got the money,
and it was gone
in about a year.
She fed that flock
of fair weather friends
like a mama bird
and then they flew.

Now she’s looking
for another sucker,
and taking shots
at gold diggers
on social media.

"******* ******."
Brian Rihlmann Mar 2018
In their lust
for a truth grasped
only in their minds
they sacrifice life
and become evil.
I do not want
to be a revolutionary.
Or maybe just a quiet one:
doing less than others,
living more simply,
doing without
certain things they say
I must desire
to be fully human.
People do too much anyway.
And the more they try
to fix things
the worse it becomes.
Imagine the consequences
of an ethos of laziness!
Could it possibly be worse
than the path we’ve chosen?
Brian Rihlmann Feb 2018
All worldly powers
are his, and yet
his decisions are made
with a mind like a rabid mouse.
He got what he wanted,
which was everything,
now everything is his
to lose.

His is not the misery
of privation, cured by
a roof for the night,
a plate of food,
a warm bed,
but the misery of too much,
yet not enough
for which no remedy exists.
Brian Rihlmann Feb 2018
I am old enough now
to remember
staying in my apartment for hours
afraid of missing your call,
my insides knotted, burning
as I wore the carpet down
with pacing,
smoking each cigarette
down to the filter.

Now I'd just
grab my cell
head out
do whatever.
Progress, but somehow
I only see
what’s been lost.
Brian Rihlmann Sep 2018
To be more like the machines
and gadgets that surround us,
the newest incarnation of gods
spun from nightmare threads
of loss and starvation
then slavishly served.

To have a memory
like a video camera,
to never be lost
like a GPS map,
to be an efficient little worker
steady as a robot arm,
to crush enemy bones
as relentlessly as a bulldozer,
to weather insults
as dispassionately
as your virtual assistant,
and be as immortal
as photos in cyberspace,
forever smooth cheeked,
outlasting any marble statue.

Not forgetting
birthdays and car keys,
stumbling down dead end
hotel hallways,
limping on a sprained ankle,
calling in sick or hungover
bedridden with shaking,
nose broken by a drunken
bar brawl head ****,
or crushed by that woman
just rolling her eyes,
and walking away.

And not this
trembling skeleton draped
in withering flesh clicking,
ticking like a broken clock,
springs uncoiling,
winding down.

We scramble and race,
controlling and perfecting
and finally break ourselves
against the steel idols
of our own creation,
like John Henry
hammering his drill.
Brian Rihlmann Jul 2018
Behind locked doors,
walls and fences,
in alarmed houses
in neighborhoods
with guard shacks.

With killers behind bars,
lions in cages
and sharks in tanks,
our fingers touch the glass
and do not tremble.

Behind gun barrels
or peace signs,
mountains of cash
or absurd ideologies.

Behind beliefs about self,
the world, reality,
and other people,
and clinging to those who agree.

And in inner chambers
and dark crawl spaces
hidden from shifting light,
we seek what we cannot have.

Not when the poison seeds
hide in us waiting to sprout
and rip us to shreds.

And yet,
we sprouted from these
same seeds like saplings
from rotting stumps.
Brian Rihlmann Feb 2018
I must apologize, for
when I see you
I do not see you
but only my own shadow
cast across your face.

And when you speak,
I cannot hear you
but only the winds
howling through my mind
carrying your voice far from me.

As it is with us
so is it with nations,
like hungry dogs barking at
their own long shadows.
The sun of civilization
low on the horizon.
The hatred perfect, complete
as only self-hatred can be.
Brian Rihlmann Jun 2018
Shall we kneel
at naked emperors feet
gorging at troughs
of savory slogans
dripping like spittle
from bloodless lips.

Shall we shelter
under waving flags
warming our hands
by fires of righteousness
and drinking from cups
brimming with ideals.

Or can we shoot bullets
into moldy flesh of dying words
drop bombs on empty symbols
and decapitate false ideals
their headless bodies
chasing us like zombies.

Until that day
we follow neon arrows
pointing at empty skies,
and any voice
that speaks the “Why.”
Brian Rihlmann Feb 2018
In the silence
beneath the static,
in the grasping hand
that comes up empty,
in the searching mind
that finds no answer,
in the child’s last “Why?”
and the parent’s exasperated
“Because I said so!”
In all of these things,
there is truth
not to be found
in a thousand sacred scriptures.
Brian Rihlmann Aug 2018
I thanked him,
the man in charge,
for his astute insight
into my personality.

He scowled,
a head taller than I,
peering down under
eyebrows thick
like blonde pushbrooms.

“It wasn’t a compliment.”

“I’ll take it as one, anyway.”
I said, staring up at him,
lips grinning
over grit teeth.

He looked at me,
blinked,
then turned
and walked off
shaking his head.

His dress shoes
clomped across
the warehouse floor
like a legion of bullies
marching in retreat.

And I think I glimpsed
my *******
reflected in his
shiny bald spot.
Brian Rihlmann Mar 2018
Awakened to
about four inches
on the ground, finally.
Sun just rising,
birds celebrating
a little warmth,
everything white
and gleaming.
Life of a snowflake:
evaporate, condensate
crystallize into
a million beautiful forms,
melt and begin again.
Never destroyed.
Aren’t we all
just like this
no matter our opinions.
Brian Rihlmann Jan 2019
We chant our allegiance to it
in shouted slogans,
and fight ****** battles
under its banner,
ironically chained to it
as we are to many other
shadowy and ghostly things.

But never has treasure
so desired
been so eagerly
given away.

Primitive man
gave his to gods
of sun, sky, and earth.

We give ours
to elected tyrants,
weak and corrupt old men
made powerful
by our faith.

To imaginary boundaries
we lock ourselves inside,
to roles we play,
to straitjacket ideologies
we writhe in,
foaming at the mouth.

There are slaves to
their own bodies,
or the bodies of others,
and ******
for the envy of neighbors,
or strangers.

Collared submissives
who bark like dogs
and beg for the whip.

Workaholics, alcoholics,
pill poppers,
shopping addicts,
and spiritual junkies.

In a thousand ways,
we hand it over,
between thumb and forefinger
like a piece of chewing gum
drained of its flavor.
“Here...take this.
I’m done with it.”
Brian Rihlmann Sep 2018
A siren screams
toward death or fire
breaking early morning silence
as creeping sunlight
mixes with long shadows
leftover from the night.

Across the street
a man struggles
to hold a snarling pit bull
which is dragging him
towards a smaller dog
cowering at his owner’s feet.

“No!” and “Knock it off!”
yells the man,
as the animal pulls
at his harness,
growling through bared canines.

The owner of the smaller dog
scoops him up,
carries him
to the opposite side
of the street,
cradling him in her arms
like a baby.

The pit bull stares
as they walk away,
covering its teeth
as they round a corner
out of sight.

Now it is man,
dragging beast toward home.
“Come on, you!” he says,
chest puffed, a strut in his step.
Brian Rihlmann Jul 2018
Spinning my wheels
on a long drive
next mile mark
next town
next valley
or bug splattered
windshield horizon
on my mind

Grass and trees
pass in a sleepy haze
until the thump-thump
of a pothole jars
half lidded eyes
open wide

Ahead I see
the red smear
of mangled flesh

The crow flies
just in time
as this steel
four wheel
predator bears down
on his meal

I veer left
straddle death
tires singing hymns
to the highway
Brian Rihlmann Jul 2018
We forgive people
in movies for deeds
that in real life
we’d lock up in prison
and swallow the key.

We weep over deaths
we see on cable news
while loved ones die
and our eyes remain
dry as dust.

And we smile at children
causing mischief
in some television town
while shouting at our own
to stop blocking the screen.
Brian Rihlmann Jul 2018
Whether the role I play
in the movie du jour
running in my one seat theater
is savior of the downtrodden
or shining knight to a fair maiden
or victim of a cruel and unjust world
or a martyr whose death
inspires people to revolution
or even as a nefarious criminal
who ought to be locked up
for the good of humanity.

The one constant is this thing
this “I” with its overwhelming gravity
like a giant star that draws everything
into orbit around itself.

As my human body goes to work
sits at a little desk in a little office
at the edge of town
and does it’s boring little job.

The head will not long suffer
that state of affairs.
Brian Rihlmann Jan 2019
it's monday
and all across america
we stand in the cold
outside office buildings
and warehouses
shuffling our feet
waiting for someone
to unlock the door

or sit in break rooms
drinking coffee
and waiting to punch the clock
our lips as grimly sealed
as the grey winter sky
or forcing smiles and small talk
but all with the same
bewildered eyes
wondering
how how how
******* it
is it monday already...
and where did the weekend go?

all those Sunday evening glances
at the clock
and counting the hours left
til bedtime
or the morning alarm
as though we could catch it
in the act
with its thieving little hands
in the cookie jar...

useless

and then awakening at 2 a.m.
and again at 3
hearing faintly
the clomp of boots
of an advancing army
conquering our territory
piece by piece
Brian Rihlmann Jul 2018
I don’t understand
why sometimes
I run and hide
in motel rooms
with women and bottles.

Or why the sound of laughter
makes me cringe,
or why my head throbs
listening to small talk.

Or why I dream
of sitting on telephone wires
or crawling through dark tunnels
with no light on the other side.

Or hug the ground
feeling with fingertips
for the birth pangs
of a mountain
on the Earth’s dark side.

Or listen to the static
between radio stations
listening for the music
in the white noise.

Or look for tomorrow’s cliches
among the mad scrawls
of yesterday’s castaways.

Or leave good women and jobs
because I cannot breathe,
only to run off
and hold my breath
somewhere else.

I hate this restlessness,
but isn’t that
what life is?

The restless itch
of the cosmos
******* itself,
and we the blood flowing
from the fingernail marks
on its back.
Brian Rihlmann Feb 2018
House sitting at Mom’s
and couldn’t sleep, so
I was snooping a bit in the
closet of the spare bedroom.
There’s a box there,
pieces of my childhood in it.
A story I wrote when I was
8 or 9, about a haunted house
A ghost lived there, a ghost
with just a pair of eyes that
watched me wherever I went.
I was alone in this house,
and there were many doors,
thousands of them.
Some led to empty rooms, or rooms
full of skeletons of others
who died before they found their way out.
Some other doors led to long hallways
with thousands of other doors,
and some others led to prisons,
or dungeons with implements of torture.
And I wandered and searched, for years...
according to the child “me”,
until finally I found a secret door I hadn’t seen,
and was free.  
I went home, and my parents were worried,
And happy to see me.

....a ghost watching, many doors,
wrong turns down hallways, prisons...
How did the child know?  
Maybe only children
and those close to death
know anything.  
Or they don’t pretend to know something
that we capable adults pretend to know.
Brian Rihlmann May 2018
The hands have vanished.
The puppets strewn carelessly,
laying about, sleeping,
as puppets are lazy when
no one is pulling their strings.

One awakes, tugs, and finding
her ******* ropes slack,
began to sing and dance.
Her voice awakens the others.
Some join her, singing,
dancing, celebrating.

Some begin climbing
their ropes, wondering
where they end.
Others play jump rope,
or swing from the rafters
competing to see
who can go higher.

A few cut their ropes
and dive to their deaths
from the stage.
One gathers discarded ropes
of the dead and builds a fence,
stands inside and says,
“This space is mine.”
Some nod agreement,
while others hop the fence,
swinging their ropes menacingly.

Still others use their ropes
to tie others tight,
or even bind themselves
together, or separately.
A few make nooses
and hang themselves,
while others sit,
watching the show,
smiling, laughing,
eating popcorn.
Brian Rihlmann Sep 2018
Sometimes I read
something I’ve written,
and not so long ago...
a couple of months,
last week,
or ten minutes,
and think:

“Man, you are really
full of ****!”

You want them to love you,
to fall into your depths,
dive into you,
you mud puddle,
you pothole full of last night’s
***** rain.

You don’t really feel that way:
you’re hollow...
a gourd,
a dried up well,
a stringless guitar
in a pawnshop window.

But it’s easy
to make something up,
almost as if deception
were a built in feature.

Doves feign broken wings,
Possums play dead,
Chameleons blend,
Anglerfish dangle their bait,
and men and women,
well...

This...."flaw"
carved by necessity
into our bones,
and written in our blood.

Yet we are shocked
when we are deceived,
like being surprised
every time we see
another person’s face
and discover it has a nose.
Brian Rihlmann Jul 2018
Most days I believe
I have fooled them well enough,
even while I stumble
through my lines,
and the body language
feels forced and off cue.

Though there are moments
that their eyes
flash mirrors of doubt my way,
like white hot spotlights.

Then I return home,
catch a glimpse of myself
in my car window,
and see my dayworn disguise
running down my visage
in pale streaks.

I go inside,
lock the door,
close the blinds,
and wash my face
in the bathroom sink,
staring at myself
in the mirror.

And as I scrub away
the vanilla mask,
every nerve sighs.
Brian Rihlmann Sep 2018
The phase is turning grey,
I’m afraid....
Unlike the pink hair
of the woman at the store,
about mid forties, like me.

Only half is pink actually,
the other half shaved smooth.
Earlobes dangle, stretched
like basketball hoops.

Her teenage son tags along,
appearing quite normal.
His rebellious phase
will include heavy doses of church
and young republicans meetings,
screaming “Libtard!” at his mom.

As for me, I still maintain
my long mane,
brown with grey strays now,
hippie on the outside,
misanthrope within,
my outrage at life’s injustice
and people’s greed
still intact, though I lack
a revolutionary spirit
and I despise crowds
so marching in the street
is out, though I applaud
those who do.

I squat here and there,
usually online,
but occasionally
at family gatherings,
leaving steaming piles
of opinion and rage
for white shirted men
in shiny shoes to step in.

At the grassy park
where I sit scribbling,
dogs on leashes
are leaving piles of their own.
The owners walk them
clockwise on a paved loop,
sticking mostly to the path.

I shed sandals,
stroll barefoot in the dewy grass,
my eyes scanning
for squishy land mines,
walking counterclockwise,
a true badass.
Brian Rihlmann Jan 2019
Your characters
are carefully crafted,
your plot lines
well thought out,
and each night before bed
you scribble a bit more
of the story down
and each night,
you turn pages
and think,
“I didn’t write this.”

And now the characters
are running amok,
and the plot twists and turns
its way into dead end alleys
you never dreamed of.

You sit and stare,
scratching your head,
then begin scrubbing
and erasing
and rewriting
long into the night,
until you finally
get your fictional little world
back the way it should be.

This goes on,
day after day,
until one night you discover
a new character
is banging the protagonist’s girlfriend,
a sweet midwestern angel,
and she’s howling
like a **** star,
her ankles behind her head.

“She would never!”
You scream.
“That is completely
out of character!”

You erase furiously
like a man possessed,
then say **** it
and tear out pages
until you are certain
you have rid yourself
of this nonsense.

You drink whiskey
from the bottle,
and with each sip,
the pages burn
and cast flickering
shadows on the wall.
You finally sleep.

In the morning,
with an aching head
and blurry vision,
you open your book,
and find those pages
have regrown,
like shiny white leaves
printed with the blackest ink.

You sigh,
pick up your pen,
and ponder
what happens next.
Brian Rihlmann Aug 2018
Remember...
when you meet,
and you’re sitting
at a little table with her,
chatting and laughing,
making eyes over martini glasses
or coffee cups,
and she starts talking
about “the others”,
what they did,
what she did,
and you’re telling yourself
whatever it is
you’re telling yourself...
as you chew on her story,
swallowing parts of it,
hiding others
under your tongue.

Remember:
you ARE
one of
“The Others.”

Taste that
on your tongue
for awhile.
Try not to choke.
Brian Rihlmann Jul 2018
He’s on line
at a sandwich shop
texting his girlfriend
how some *******
on his cell phone
was tying up traffic
on the freeway.

A ten foot space
has opened in the line
ahead of him
and the clerk
behind the counter
is waiting.

He doesn’t see it
doesn’t feel
the eyes of the man
behind him
on the back of his neck
boring a hole.

The man pulls out his phone,
begins texting his wife
“You won’t believe this ****....”

She’s in bed
hears the ding
reaches for it
reads and sighs
and her thumbs are tapping
“Sorry, honey. What a ****!”

She sets the phone down
turns to the man next to her
wraps her arms around him
and before their lips meet
whispers
“God, he’s so ******* boring.”
Brian Rihlmann Aug 2018
earful of mosquito buzz
disturbs reverie
a wave of the hand
brings silence

then
the quick sting
and slap to the neck

tiny mangled body
wings twitching

a drop of blood
trickles down palm's
lifeline crease
wiped on pant leg
forgotten

until
it swells
and itches

as we scratch
with nibbled fingernails
whispering curses
Brian Rihlmann Aug 2018
****** into the desert sky
from sage leaves
and pine needles
from lizards sunning
themselves on rocks
and raptors preying on them
from above

and from us
walking by the river
and all the people
on the sidewalks
and city streets
sweating and breathing

from the last exhalations
of dying grandparents
in hospital beds
and later
from the crematory chimney

it rises
once part of us, and
what is left of them
and mingles
enfolding dust
in its crystalline embrace
and falling softly white
over mountains shivering
in howling winter winds

they cannot hear
the laughter of children
resurrecting them as snowmen
with cold red fingers
later abandoning them
in the meadow
under the merciless sun
soaking muddy green fields
of springtime

they percolate through soil
into channels
small and large
and finally down the canyon
roaring grey green
and foaming white
over rapids
through eddies
swirling into a pool
cupped in a grey granite palm
ancient yet smooth
as newborn skin

where I dip my hands
shatter that harsh yellow eye
into a thousand fireflies
and splash cool water
on my face
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