Driving around in circles.
Screaming my heart out in the lyrics coming out my car radio.
The lyrics are the words I wanted to say to you.
But you decided to cut me off before I could even start the conversation.
There was a time when we used to drive around together singing along to the song we claimed was for us.
It never truly felt right to claim that something was ours when you couldn’t even claim me as yours.
You had many problems & yet I was the hot mess.
You could never keep your hands to yourself.
You could never keep your words inside your mouth.
You could never keep your feelings set for just me.
You could never keep your **** inside your pants.
& after you cheated on me you had the audacity to tell me it was my fault.
To tell me that I should’ve opened my legs to you instead of my heart.
So now I drive around for hours at a time by myself.
Crying.
Crying at the fact that I now understand the lyrics that you never did.
“Pick up my pieces . . . I wanna say I need you to hold me in your arms. . . Better safe than sorry. . . You’ll leave me before dawn. . .”

12.21.15

His sickness took over
A pain in everyone's path
His depression ruined his mind
His cancer wrecked his body
Everyone warned him
The alcoholism would strike again
He thought he was cured
He figured he was done
Who knows exactly what killed him first
The only thing we know is that it was his disease
His fight to be human
His right to survive
But when you suddenly become kidnapped by your thoughts & actions
It belittles you
It changes you into a monster
Not all monsters do monstrous things
But your demons do take over
& I guess his did

2.27.17
This a letter to my abuser.
A letter to the woman who took away my childhood.
The woman who with one hand held me by my face up against a wall while with the other hand you used to hit me repeatedly with.
You would scream your demands into my face with spit & fury.
You would tug on my skin that was so bruised up it was decaying into the nothingness that I started with in my mothers womb when I was still just a planted seed.
You made me feel like I didn't matter & it didn't matter if I lived or died.
Your manipulative ways would say that I was the one lying.
Why would I lie that I wanted to die because you already made me feel dead on the inside.
& now you get to not only walk free as someone who pretends they've never done a **** thing to another person but you get to bring another life into this world.
How ironic is it that you are giving life as you took away mine.
Throughout your six years you gave me hell on earth with the scars & the bruises & the cruel devastating words that came flying out your mouth.
& when the six years were up you didn't keep quiet.
You make sure to come back around every now & then to remind me that you still have control over my thoughts.
The thoughts that were never there before you came into my mind & erased every happy thing I thought of because if I was happy that meant you weren't & you made sure to take away the positive & force your negative lies into my mind.
You made me nothingness which took me so long to overcome & to fight off & for me to believe that I am just a little bit beautiful is impossible because every time I feel beautiful I hear your voice tell me:
"Who are you fooling? You are what I make you. & I didn't make you beautiful."

His eyes met up with mine like it was a planned in sync.
He spoke to me in ways that made me feel like I mattered.
& to him I did.
He'd brush my skin delicately knowing others have forced their wicked ways upon it.
He promised to never do the same.
His voice spoke to me through love.
He loved me.
& I had never felt a love like that.