Half a century -
A number that should mean something.
Not old, not young -
Just drifting in the middle,
With a weight that time forgot to lift.

Decades -
Were not a life,
But wounds I’m told were mine to hide.
I have learned to laugh without joy,
To breathe without peace,
To carry myself like a secret no one wants to know.

Each year -
Another stone upon the heap,
Recurring thoughts and restless sleep.
“It’s never too late”
Except it is,
To learn new tricks,
Finding ways to try and fix,
The broken.

But each second -
I'm still here.
Not healed.
Not whole.
But still.

And maybe that counts.
Maybe survival isn’t the same as healing,
But it’s defiance.
A kind of whisper that says
‘Still alive, and counting’.

So I sit in this dusk of my years,
Watching what’s left of the sky,
And I wonder,
If there’s still time
for something softer
to grow.

I try to breathe, and observe the moment.
Sounds beyond notes,
Hush between seconds,
To try and be still,
And withhold the judgment.

My pulse, a metronome
Keeping time with now.
But the past smokes through the cracks in my strength,
Dragging me back,
Into silence that howls.

My memory, a muscle
Flinching at threats gone by.
Painting shadows on the backs of my eyes,
Until daylight feels like a lie.

I try to sit still,
A collapsing star
Triggered into fusion,
The future a black hole.

Still, I breathe.
Still, I try.
Because, I am here.
I am still here.
Resisting the gravitational pull into darkness.
And that, too, is worth noticing.

There’s a fire inside my chest,
I didn’t light.
An acid burn beneath my ribs,
That tightens night by night.

A sadness pooled behind my eyes,
Too deep to even cry.
A practiced silence choked by fear, Mutes the question: “why”?

Guilt curdles in my stomach like a rotten loaf of bread,
A hunger for an answer, that feeds itself instead.

Shame strangling me by the throat,
I’m gagging to inhale.
Desperate, shallow breaths I gasp,
Keep living, mustn’t fail.

My heart still beats but aches and bleeds with what I never say,
A scream, a sob, a whisper of the truth that’s held at bay.

It’s pushing up, it must come out,
The rage, the grief, the visceral shout.
But for the mess I would create,
I shut it down and lock the gate.

But I feel.
In every part of me,
The pain, the plea to be set free.
And someday, maybe, let it spill,
and trust that breaking just might heal.

You can see her right here,
But her eyes will not blink.
She’s zoned out in a moment,
Unable to think

She promised to love, honour, obey
She stupidly thought that she then had a say
“You and me against the world” he said
Isolated, hidden, controlled instead.

His eyes bloodshot, pupils wide
She shouted, enabled, stayed silent and cried.
Nothing could bring him back once he had switched,
She’s crazy, a ****** a mad mental *****.

She hears the door slam.
He’s so gone.
Who knows for how long?
She’s left cutting and burning,
What did she do wrong?

She’s waiting and wondering if today he’ll come home,
Or will today be the day she’s left truly alone.
He falls into the house, looks at her with disgust
It’s her fault, she made him, so with one desperate ******
He pushes, she falls. Back down the stairs
It didn’t happen, she’s lying, he’s certain, he swears.

His arm reaches over her, heavy as lead,
She prays he’s passed out so she’ll sneak out the bed.
Sometimes she’s lucky, sometimes she’s forced back,
Breathing stale whiskey until he goes slack.

Please pick up the pieces this one last time.
Let’s start again, the fault isn’t mine,
Don’t let anyone in, don’t let anyone know,
Things will be different, just keep up the show.

She breathes deep, a shudder, she blinks and she’s back.
The nightmares not real now, not under attack.
But she can’t stop returning again and again,
So scared of feeling so turning to pain,
She’s legally free now to make a new start
But her mind is imprisoned til death us do part.

Little girl with your blonde, knotty hair,

Clutching your teddy, soft and bare.
Why didn’t you cry?
Why didn’t you shout?

Why didn’t you say what it hurt to go without?


What did you feel you had to hide?
What locked your voice inside?
Did you know that no one would listen?
Or think that no one would care?
What’s wrong little girl, with your teddy bear?

You’re singing songs inside your head,
Trying not to hear…
“You’re selfish, ungrateful, I wish that you weren’t here”.
What did you do to make her so mad?
What was in you that was so bad?

One last blow to your head,
You bite on the arm of little ted.
Curling into a ball so tight,
Keeping the silence of the night.

You’re all grown now,
No longer small.
There are no green bottles sitting on the wall.

You’re now told you didn’t deserve the hurt you knew.

You were four.
The fault wasn’t you.

You should have been held,
Been sleeping in peace.

Not frozen in silence, afraid to release.


You should have been care-free,
Not silenced and shamed.
Should you have done more?
How?
What you bore,
You couldn’t have named.

Now I will try to speak,
for the girl you once were.
I will hold her so tight,
when the memories stir.

I will try to unlock the silence and shame.
I will try to release the tears and the pain.

For you were innocent, little one.
You were not to blame.

Why are the nights so long?
Memories on repeat until
Silence screams and time stands still.

All these wounds I still can’t name,
But each one burns me just the same.

I trace the edge where shadows blur,

Where painful thoughts begin to stir.

The wish for it all to end, release.

A final breath,
A kind of peace.

But, for my child -

The world I’d leave,
The heart I’d break,
The cause to grieve.

But, for my wife - 

Who sees the war behind my eyes,
The fear I dress in calm disguise.
I want to go where hurt might cease,

To trade this storm for quiet peace.
But I can’t give to you what I now feel,

This grief that time may never heal.

I don’t feel strong,
I never do.

But still I wake and walk with you.

Not for me, but for the two -
Whose hearts would break if mine fell through.

Because I love them more than pain,
That must be enough,
To try again.

Breathe in
A shallow gentle wave,
Try to anchor, be calm, be brave.
Breathe out
And feel warmth from the sun,
Focus now, don’t come undone.

Be present
But the past returns,
Heart starts racing,
Acid burns.
I try to feel the chair, the floor,
But memories intrude once more.

How hard it is to sit and stay,

Inside the truth, not drift away.
My thoughts still beg to just appease,

Deny myself, to aim to please.

Hateful thoughts now scream and shout,

But with each breath I’m breaking out.
It hurts. It's hard. I shake. I cry.

But I am learning not to lie.
To feel is not a fatal flaw,

Breathe in, breathe out
Just try once more.

My lungs forget what they should know,

To take in air, then let it go.
Each breath in, a ragged gasp,
Each breath out, I beg my last.

Not fight or flight
But frozen still,
Being forced against my will.
But still I breathe, through panic's grip,
Breathe in, breathe out each shallow sip.