The wakeful hours
Spent wishing
It was time for me
To go and visit
The parallel reality
Where today's bruises
Are of no effect
And tomorrow's concerns
Hold no domain
So I spend my
Wakeful hours
Yearning for a place
That I find
With a soft pillow
Decent blanket
And a mind at ease

if only the days events
were as welcoming
as my blankets
and if only my motivations
were motivating enough
to make me climb out of bed

my anger
no longer fuels the fire
that set my life ablaze
no longer controls
the effort i give life
no longer am i a house
drowning in flames
i am akin to a stick of incense
with my smoke descending
ever so gently
just to prove that i still burn
just not to the same degrees

I am similar to a cigarette
There was a point in time
Where I was new
Fresh and desired
Removed from the pack
And exposed to life
The flame
Resembling life's troubles
And exhales of triumphs
Resulting in smoke
But slowly
Flick by flick
Breath by breath
I fell apart
I am no longer
What I once was
Merely ash
Resting amongst
All of the bits
That used to be me

I don't know
What to say
The words
Caught in
My throat
Tears trapped
In your eyes
You need to
Hear me
Say it
Yet I can't
Suffocating
On syllables

I am well read
My work is not
I would trade
My eyes
To be in others
I would offer
The words
To be mentioned
On anyone's tongue
The time will come
Surely my desperation
My passion
And my ability
Will grant me the validation
That has crippled me
To have been doing this for so long
To have hid it for years upon tears
To now place myself on the stage
To find myself and to find the many

I let your eyes beg me to stay
You let me drift back into your arms
Only to push me away
Not too long after

You always said that you
Wanted to lift me up
I always said that I
Would never let you down

Look at where we are now

Intertwined
Like two plants
That shouldn't
But as long
As the gardener
Doesn't care
I'll hold you
Till we both
Turn to rot

i hope
you find the way out
a way to not let your system
be so nervous

i hope
you find the way to walk
a way to live in peace
and not be so torn up

I'm chasing you for love
And I don't think it's all your fault
I get too attached
Pretend like this is mine to have
Its not though
...

felt like i lived
and died
for your love
and acceptance
always suffocating
gasping for your words
racked up so many wounds
when you were holding me
since then i wish i could say
that things have changed
oh how they haven't
still waiting for the day
i hear you even softly mutter
that i'm enough

I write sometimes
And feel like
My own audience
I read
And re-read
Until I finish
Then I look at my words
And sometimes
I throw roses
And sometimes
I throw tomatoes

you only realize
how bad you needed something
when it finally shows up
like when you've been thirsty
drinking from toxic puddles
managing with just that
until real water arrives
and then you understand
you never had what you needed
now that you do
although it seems foreign
you cannot get enough of it

I misprise who is't I am
I misprise who is't I am not
I seeketh changeth
I don't seeth how it's probable
Viewing as I'm the same p'rson

I am who is't I am I supposeth
I am the tears yond I caused
To hie down thy visage
I am the blood yond I've spilled
Through callous action
I am the weight of mine own sins
And I knoweth
I am running out of tears myself
I am running out of blood to keepeth Pouring into lifeless conditions
And I'm getting awfully heavy

Forgetting what once wast
And hating what forsooth is
I prayeth I am not the villian
But if I am to beest
I'll rememb'r the chapters yond
Madeth me

When will you learn
That for every time
You do this to me
I'll be right there
To catch you
Hold up your spine
Breathe life back
Into your empty lungs
And emptier heart
When will I learn
That for every time
You do this to me
I do it to myself

I would say thanks
for showing me your truly colors
I would say thanks
for showing me where the line is
I would say thanks
for showing me what love isn't
I would say thanks


Thanks for nothing

Baby please don't lie
To yourself or anybody
You could never rely
On me and I let you down
Just to leave you looking up
At the infinite and the stars
When the tears start cascading
And the love is evaporating
As your heart pumps and bleeds
You'll forget your wants
And probably your needs
You'd do best to forget me
Leave no room for bitterness
And I won't regret our memory
This story was a setting sun
I knew it wouldn't last and
I'm just sorry I wasn't the one

My day
Before I get time
With you
Is anticipation
And the night
After you are gone
Is recollection

lose everything
still pay a price
do anything for love
still consumed by hate
take all roads to freedom
still imprisoned in myself

I couldn't have asked
Or prayed to the gods
For anything better
You watched me fight
And claw my way
Through so much
You know I'm not perfect
After all of that
You still decided
To choose me

Trying to figure out
Who I am
Is like
Trying to combine
Bits and pieces
Of shredded papers
Sound bites that
Don't go together
Videos that
Don't look like me
Or at least
Who I thought I was?

I hate the way my hands shake
The tremors rule
When anxiety doesn't
I hate the way my brain works
The emotions rule
When ideations don't

softly
Slooooowly
SLIPping
I feel as if
I've been here
Far too long
I feel as if
You just don't
Want to see

And now
I start
To

Fall

reduced to nothing
unsure of everything
cornered by your words
imprisoned by my naivete

my chains appear to be made
of peonies and tulips
my walls appear to be more
like murals of better times

i lack the decisivness
to make the decision
i plead pitifully to find the might
to step into that decision easily

all i ask for
is to not be
a horrific reminder
of all my flaws
is just a bit
of the closure
that i lack
is to just
be what i have
been dying for