I pray that you hate me
You nail me to the wall of shame
You drown me in the river of tears
You throw me off the edge of the cliff
You slaughter me in your nightmares
You set me ablaze in the darkest forest
I pray that you forget me
So you can find who
You were supposed to all along
So you can find who
You are supposed to become
I pray that you

Wallow in the joy
Celebrate in the misery
Never watered the roses
Always played with the thorns
Dying under a rainbow
Living peacefully in the storm
Drink the blood
Waste the champagne
Keep rotting with time
To bide it entirely backwards

Tonight leaks into tomorrow
Waking up with yesterday
And all of its problems
Might deal with them today
Or sleep through it all
Pitifully pleading that
Tonight won't leak into

I am well read
My work is not
I would trade
My eyes
To be in others
I would offer
The words
To be mentioned
On anyone's tongue
The time will come
Surely my desperation
My passion
And my ability
Will grant me the validation
That has crippled me
To have been doing this for so long
To have hid it for years upon tears
To now place myself on the stage
To find myself and to find the many

Unsure if its clarity
Or just simply bliss
But sure its a rarity
To feel like this

Unsure if its quiet
Or just peace in my head
But sure that I like it
So keep me in bed

What has my brain done to itself,
In the name of protection?

I still get pulled out of my body,
A mere spectator of my corpse,
For it isn't a living body,
When I don't possess it.

I still struggle to remember,
So much of my own childhood,
An abyss of alleged memories,
That I cannot substantiate.

I still claim myself as parts and pieces,
To point fingers and divide feelings,
To always further deny myself,
Ever being whole.

I still say it isn't all my fault,
Previous events caused this,
Caused my brain to decide,
I can't always be me,
I can't remember what is me,
And I can't become me.

Everything seems
Too distorted
Too chaotic
Too much.

So I will forget
How to swim
To drown it
All out.

Cannot turn a page
Much less turn the tide
Cannot make a choice
Much less make the changes
Cannot control a reaction
Much less control the emotions
Cannot wait for the story
Much less wait for the ending of it

Remain fluid
In a world of friction
Remain humble
In a world of glory
Remain honest
In a world of deceit
Remain steadfast
In a world of imbalance
Remain alive
In a world of death

If you just remain
I will remain here
With you

i had a sweeter soul
when you weren't my chemical
and
i had a softer touch
when you weren't in my head so much
and
i had a cleaner conscience
when you weren't my constants
and
i wasn't who you were thinking of
when you were thinking love
and
now you apologize
sorrowful words
coated thick in
virulent lies

Humming a melody
I used to know
Writing stories
I used to feel
Painting pictures
I used to understand
Living a life
I used to love

When will you learn
That for every time
You do this to me
I'll be right there
To catch you
Hold up your spine
Breathe life back
Into your empty lungs
And emptier heart
When will I learn
That for every time
You do this to me
I do it to myself

I am similar to a cigarette
There was a point in time
Where I was new
Fresh and desired
Removed from the pack
And exposed to life
The flame
Resembling life's troubles
And exhales of triumphs
Resulting in smoke
But slowly
Flick by flick
Breath by breath
I fell apart
I am no longer
What I once was
Merely ash
Resting amongst
All of the bits
That used to be me

The wakeful hours
Spent wishing
It was time for me
To go and visit
The parallel reality
Where today's bruises
Are of no effect
And tomorrow's concerns
Hold no domain
So I spend my
Wakeful hours
Yearning for a place
That I find
With a soft pillow
Decent blanket
And a mind at ease

Somehow it feels
I've been misplaced
Shouldn't be here now
Wishing I had been there then
Somehow it feels
I've been replaced
Can't be there now
Praying I'll be there then

Half of me
Wants to change
Half of me
Wants a dose
Half of me
Needs to be better
Half of me
Needs to feel worse
All of me
Knows what I am
But I only feel like
Half of me

When I die,
I don't want anybody,
to speak at my funeral.
I don't want anybody to tell lies,
just for the sake,
of my posthumous appearance.

***** me out
as if i am no more
than a coal
that you're afraid will
restart the fire
you loved the flames
but now that
it is all subsiding
better to stomp
me into the ground
drown me in
water i can't breathe in

Do you feel love
When you're alone
Or is it just me
Cause you know
That I can't leave
You still thrive
In my heart to this day
But in yours
I'm just another
Body and soul
Left to decay

I say that I have made peace with my past,
But have I really?
Or have I pushed it to the depths of my mind,
In an attempt to never acknowledge it?

as much as you
stabbed me in the back
as much as i
slit both of my wrists
as much as you
squeezed my heart
as much as i
claimed to be alright
suppose you should know
you can't **** something
that has already died

reduced to nothing
unsure of everything
cornered by your words
imprisoned by my naivete

my chains appear to be made
of peonies and tulips
my walls appear to be more
like murals of better times

i lack the decisivness
to make the decision
i plead pitifully to find the might
to step into that decision easily

the floor keeps creaking
letting the sadness escape
and i love to keep seeking
for the boards to fix it

the windows got left open
letting the world crash through
and i love to keep hopin'
that the boards will hold

the roof is starting to fall
letting the pressure creep in
and i love to stare at it all
realizing the boards aren't enough

Baby please don't lie
To yourself or anybody
You could never rely
On me and I let you down
Just to leave you looking up
At the infinite and the stars
When the tears start cascading
And the love is evaporating
As your heart pumps and bleeds
You'll forget your wants
And probably your needs
You'd do best to forget me
Leave no room for bitterness
And I won't regret our memory
This story was a setting sun
I knew it wouldn't last and
I'm just sorry I wasn't the one

Been so **** miserable
For so **** long
Saying I don't need anyone
And I don't need help
For the record
I don't choose Misery
I am Her favorite company

all i ask for
is to not be
a horrific reminder
of all my flaws
is just a bit
of the closure
that i lack
is to just
be what i have
been dying for

please know that
i would die
if there was
a universe
that had a place
for me
so why am i
pretending i belong
in this reality
where i am not
even enough
for me

It's the way
You walk by me
Or the way
You talk to me
Or the way
You look at me
And the thing killing me
Is I worry you don't
Actually see me

Tie the noose
Only to be hung upside down
Call the time
Only for the clock to rewind
Close the curtains
Only to hear calls for an encore
Reach for the gun
Only to have no ammunition

Starting over
Is a lot like
Getting on plane
To go somewhere new
You have to rid of
Everything heavy
The baggage that
Has brought you down
You have to remember the person
In the old photo
Of your passport
You need to learn to accept
That what you know is gone
And you can drag yourself
Into visiting the past
Only to find that
Nobody else will be there waiting

my anger
no longer fuels the fire
that set my life ablaze
no longer controls
the effort i give life
no longer am i a house
drowning in flames
i am akin to a stick of incense
with my smoke descending
ever so gently
just to prove that i still burn
just not to the same degrees

Intertwined
Like two plants
That shouldn't
But as long
As the gardener
Doesn't care
I'll hold you
Till we both
Turn to rot

i know
the meds
keep me
steady
but then
when things
become very
choppy
one med
turns to two
two to three
and i start to
lose all of me

if life is warfare
then i am merely
a carrier pigeon
trying to not get
blown out of the sky

Crucified
by my own hands
Polarized
by my own choices
Settled
by self medication
Debated
by self evaluation

Fate beckons you onwards
Not caring what you have
Nor who you are
What you leave behind
Nor what you become
In due time
You will be a whisper
Amongst those forgotten
Begging the next person onwards

felt like i lived
and died
for your love
and acceptance
always suffocating
gasping for your words
racked up so many wounds
when you were holding me
since then i wish i could say
that things have changed
oh how they haven't
still waiting for the day
i hear you even softly mutter
that i'm enough

broken roses
and busted dreams
nothing ends well
or so it seems
the emptiness will consume
and clarity will
find you soon

I tried to
show me
Why I
loathe me
I sit in
the dark
Cause I can't
stand me
Doesn't matter if
I say
I'm sorry
to myself
There's no
forgiving me
I know that
the thing
That disgusts me
is me

lose everything
still pay a price
do anything for love
still consumed by hate
take all roads to freedom
still imprisoned in myself

i used to
complain and whine
about how poorly
life was going
how the world
had been so unkind
it is now clear to me
i cannot be the victim
while trying to be the victor

Peeling the mask away
Chipping at this facade
Jumping from the tight rope act
Finding the person I thought was lost
Pleading for the time to be right

softly
Slooooowly
SLIPping
I feel as if
I've been here
Far too long
I feel as if
You just don't
Want to see

And now
I start
To

Fall