Labyrinth of suffering,
labyrinth of pain,
labyrinth of dying...
tell me, what is there to gain?

Long that we have lived here
Long that we have been...
Long we've lived in fear,
So much that we have seen.

How do we get out?
The key is straight and fast.
Hide in the shell and shout
Until our life will last.

I drowned myself
that day....
in the "drunkenness"
of a different way...

A cocktail of passion
and something else- love?
It was more of a question,
for the heavens above...

Then, sipped my way through
and burnt the soul
Waiting for it to come true...
Will I ever be whole?

Have you ever

Walked through the night?

Following shadows

that you never saw...

Listening music

that you never heard

Telling tales

that you never spoke

And making choices

that you never made.

I'm slowly crumbling inside
the walls of confines
Come and hear the truth
about those 'Okays' and 'I'm Fines'

I'm soaked and drenched
with waters that only eyes and quench
My tears stained my shirt, alright
How long until I've got to fight?

I'm tired of being the one who cares...
when no one gives a **** about my fears
Tired of being the monster, the demon
which one doesn't even need to summon.

I'm tired of this labyrinthine maze
of the curves and bends, I have to face
So let me end it all here
and this time, I'm sincere

Blank….it’s all blank inside.

But, there is a void that I hide

Deep down in the folds of the heart

there is pain, but, where do I start?



From the beginning, end or the middle?

or wherever one can place the needle.

How can I talk?

When I can hardly walk…



How should I narrate my tale?

Each time i try but, only to fail.

Should i talk of my bruises or the razor I’ve stashed away?

Or the things I wanted to, but, could never say.



Or should I tell you about the times…

When I let my tears dry up inside?

Or those unspoken rhymes

which under my pillow I hide…..

And then...
I spoke my mind
No usual filters...
and especially, no apologies...
No thinking each word twice
because I happened to be high
on my own emotions
which had been repressed
over the years
again and again...

And then...
he broke the silence...
with words that stung me..
and made me realize
that once again I was wrong
and no one can ever
really understand...me

It was a dark night,
You held the dagger to my heart,
I wonder what it would've felt like
had you chosen to slice me apart
Fear is what it tasted like
I could feel my heart's frenzy
Something wasn't right that day
Was it that one of us finally went crazy?
I've been sleep deprived
and terror clogs my brain
I finally realize what it's like
when there is no wound, only pain
You might have had your reasons
for otherwise you're really nice
But even the most virtuous
are full of one or the other vice
I wonder if you'd have listened
to the voice inside your head,
would you have stopped
or would you have instead gone ahead?
It hurt me that I meant so little
My death, perhaps trivial
despite no bloodshed that day
Trust me, the blood was real.

I used to roam alone,
now am afraid of my own shadows.
I thought I was gone,
but, the heart still knows...
that it ain't me, dwelling over the past.
But, I can't see
If the hope will last,
for a long time.
I'll stay silent.
I'll try to keep it all in.
Because, I'm Resilient.

I dunno why I still care
When you don't think twice...
When your words slice
my heart just like a dagger

I dunno why I waste my tears
Over you without a reason
And even after all you do....
I can't blame you for treason

As I flip through my journal,
I see pages and pages of lies,
that once used to be truths,
now stacked one above the other,
aimlessly...hopelessly....like us
I see the bench where we sat,
centimeters apart, so to say,
yet miles apart in every way.
'Are you okay?' you asked me
on page number fourteen.
'Of course' I lied with a smile,
for an umpteenth time
on page number seventeen.
Three pages and already
three months have passed.
Oh, wait a second,
'what was the question you had asked?'
Was it on the pages I tore,
Or was it on the ones you stole away?
Or is it my amnesia,
getting better of me every day?
'Liar' you called me,
sitting on the bench,
on page thirteen
with a smirk on your face.
Making me wonder
if lies are so easy to trace...
Who was the liar then?
Was it you or was it me?
As I turn the last page over,
I see that there were two liars in the story.
One who lied to himself,
And the other who lied to everybody.

I was never as mesmerized by mysteries,
as I was when you became one.
From your "I smoke to die"
to the best/worst day of your life,
every essence of your presence
was mesmerizingly beautiful.
From your drinking till you drop,
to believing that the eagle loved you,
to proving that you are not a rat,
you were always the perfectly flawed one.
Underneath that emerald eyed reader,
surrounded by piles of books...
you were still the little girl,
who blamed herself for her mother's death.
who still doodled white flowers everywhere.
Miles could never have been more correct when he compared you to a hurricane.
You left, but with yourself,
you took away, the crime partner
of the Colonel, the greatest prankster
and the love of Takumi and Miles.
But, I could never forgive you
for breaking your promise to Miles...
If you could, would you, come back
and continue, that unfinished "To be continued?"

On a usual Sunday,

Dad sits alone in front of the television.

The loud noise of which,

douses mom's voice, making her

repeat her question for the third time.

Little does she know, that the noise

douses the voices in his head as well.

On a usual outing,

as Dad starts chatting with a stranger,

as if they were old chums,

mom shakes her head in exasperation.

Little does she know, that extroversion

is just a mask, which hides his real self.

In a usual gathering,

Dad starts debating on a recent event,

Which has little to do with him.

I always thought him to be eloquent.

Little did I know, that that is the only way,

he evades talking about himself.

On a usual day,  Dad says that

he will go to the market with us,

even if it means taking a leave from office.

Mom gets a little frustrated at his clinginess.

Little does she know, that he feels all alone,

and is afraid to lose us too.

On a usual evening,

Dad tries, but can't call his own mom.

He wants her affection as his brother gets,

Only to be blamed on each call,

for the things he didn't do.

Little does he know, that I've seen him

on those days, holding his tears,

and cracking his old jokes.

On usual days, Dad stays at home.

When prodded to go out,

He says, he has nowhere to go.

So he sits and scrolls through his phone,

Little does he know, that even today,

He is searching for a warm home.

The coffee has gone cold already,
a layer of cream silently settling itself,
just as I settle myself in a corner, silently...
a book between my thumb and forefinger,
but I'm not reading.
The sun has set long back,
maybe some two hours back
and I realize that by the darkening room.
Somehow, even the darkened room
is a sort of comfort, a solace.
I keep staring at the clock in a fix.
The handles never move, it lays still
just like the thumping of my heart,
which feels numb after all this time.
Paulo Coelho screams from the paperback
which I hold a tad bit too tightly
scared of letting go of one more aspect.
He tells me of the Zahir
and makes me realize once more
that I lost my Zahir.
I feel myself moving unwittingly to my desk
gulping down the coffee in a go
and taking out my diary,
I scribble something that's incomprehensible, even to me...
"The world isn't a wish granting factory "
The poster screams at me
from across the wall.
I nod with a heavy heart, "But we all wish it was, don't we?"

Could you hear me out,
If I'm too tired to shout?
For there are words unsaid
That are crowding my head.

I don't even know what went wrong
But somehow, I lost that song
That lighted up my soul and mind
Those lyrics ....could you help me find?

Could you help me here,
For my mind is blank with fear...
But you just stand and stare
As I drown in despair.

It's another cold evening,
one of the coldest in December.
I hear the wind chime in the balcony above,
along with the voice of someone
telling her child to drink milk.
It reminds me of the good old times.
To forget that, I walk along.

You say poverty unsettles you,
but each cold night, you recount to me,
Amidst the usual tears,
the same old tale of how you raised me.
How, even this house here seems unreal.

You talk of how even milk was a luxury,
And how we didn't have a warm bed.
But you recount how you still,
sent me to a school well beyond our worth,
because you had high hopes for me.

You say poverty unsettles you,
but each time you talk,
I can only remember you,
working two jobs with vigour,
On a half empty stomach.
For as long as I can remember,
you barely had two square meals a day.
Sometimes I wondered how someone,
with so small a frame, work so hard.

Sometimes in a fit of sadness,
I tell you that you never understood me.
But regret is greater than anger and
It disappoints me to disappoint you.
So, I keep those accusations inside.

You say poverty unsettles you,
As you recount long summer nights,
Without a fan to our aid,
And evenings lit with candles,
Because electricity was a luxury.

You tell me how I was a delightful kid,
never complaining of the heat.
Eating whatever was given,
sleeping however harsh the weather was,
smiling and being cheerful.
And I wonder if I you'd believe me,
if I tell you the truth.

You narrate tales of all the shacks
that we inhabited and made our home,
only to move out again, soon.
You told me how your books,
were the only thing that kept you going.
You scoff at the idea of hobbies.
You say you killed all of them to survive.

Resting on this warm bed,
Sometimes seems so unreal,
That I stay awake almost all nights.
Maybe I wasn't made for this comfort.
You say poverty unsettles you.
But I wonder if that is what
Would actually settle me.

"Here's to the ones that we got"

I flip through the pages of the paperback
and that bookmark falls down.
As I bend to pick it up,
your face flashes in front of my eyes,
and I blink fast to remove it. "Cheers to the wish you were here, but you're not"

You see, the only thing that you left,
apart from your absence, almost reminds me....almost, of your presence.
Because memories are misplaced shreds of time.
"Cause the drinks bring back all the memories.....Of everything we've been through."
I hum as I keep the book back.
The bookmark tucked somewhere in the pages,
just like your memories tucked somewhere
In the recesses of my heart.

They say that souvenirs
are the reminders
of moments that've passed
of times that have gone by
of people who stayed
and the people who left

Maybe, that's why Grandma
in her late 60s, still serves food
on a small steel plate,
before having a morsel, to remind herself
that even in his absence,
Grandpa would forever be present.

Maybe, that's why mom still
flips the album with the curiosity of
a fifteen year old girl, who had
dreams and aspirations which are crushed
The album reminds her of what she was
and what she wanted to be... Maybe, that's why, dad quietly threw
the bunch of his paintings and writings
Into the winter fire, leaving the comforts of a brush for the artifice of a computer
Because his idea of a souvenir
Was burnt up ashes of his passion.

Maybe, that's why, I glance at my journal
Flipping through scribblings that
Don't even make sense to me now, for
the creative in me lost to the rational me
And in those arrays of poetry and stories