Disobey them.
Keep your secret place, behind the stairs,
Make sure you hide there, at lunchtime
They will never find you.
Take a book
You will remember these moments, far into the future
The teachers and your parents are all wrong
You do not need the others
They will only cause you pain.

In a little while
Your purse will be stolen
And the £5 you needed to buy a mother's day present, will be gone.
A kindly caretaker will lend you the money,
You'll agree to pay it back, £1 per week.
Don't go back on your promise.
Don't hide from him, so you can keep your pennies.
He will die, unexpectedly of a heart attack
You will sing 'Pie Jesu' for him, in front of the whole school
Knowing you still owed so much
Never able to pay it back.

Never get the 370 bus.
One day, a group will surround you there while waiting,
And cover you with spit.
They'll twist your arms behind your back
Burn you with cigarettes,
And send you fleeing back to school
Crying, with phlegm-flecked spittle in your hair.
You will never get over it
So always walk a half mile further
And take the other bus.

And finally,
This will all be over sooner than you think
The supposed best days of your life, your living hell.
One day you will be beautiful,
Really beautiful
You will have beautiful, dramatic dilemmas
You'll dance and laugh and have so many friends
(When it's your TIME to have friends
Not when told to find some)
You are beautiful now,
But no-one else can see.
Soon, soon sweet girl, they'll see
Stay strong, get through it
I promise it gets better.

Instinct and impulse
Knotted, just below my ribcage
Push me into action
Urge me into words

Drowning, dreaming language
Downing, and devouring
Metaphors and images that all come back to you.
Never enough, never enough
Always too much.

I...Cannot...Get it...out.

If I cannot get this out of me,
It will fester,
Metastasize
Eat me alive.

What more can I say?
What more can I do?
Words are winged demons in my head
They drag me kicking, screaming, always, back to you.

I am not lost
I am simply wandering
And I will find my way.
I know I’ve been a while
But your smile
Will guide me home, my love
I see you, I see you
In the distance
Through the mist.

I see you start
With painful recognition
The hope in your eyes
And your heart aglow
Wanting, wanting,
Wanting me back.

I am not lost
Just wandering
There are many paths
And I must find the shortest way.
I will come back
You are the beacon
And will light my way home.

I have wasted half a year.
Half a year on you.
I will never get back
Those moments with my children
When, distracted, and dreaming, I gave them half my self
Or even less.

I will never get back
Complete certainty
That I am in the right life
That I have made the right choice.

I will never get back
The sleep I have lost
The love I would have made
The dreams I would have had
The books I would have read
The things I could have said.

Half a year
Spent obsessively logging on
Following you.
Drowning in music
Shutting everybody out
Shutting out myself
Shutting out my life.

What have I been doing?  
What have I been thinking?  
Nothing but you.
It is time to turn you out
Before I become nothing
Before I lose everything.

You waited until I was at my most vulnerable
And then just shut the door
And closed me out.

You waited, you *******
Until I had exposed myself in every possible way, to you,
Despite terror, despite doubts,
Despite insecurity, anxiety and guilt,
Despite resisting and denying and holding you at bay.
You waited until THAT MOMENT
And withdrew.

You could have chosen
A thousand and one better moments
I would have been fine.
I would have agreed, and even felt relief
But no,
You had to pick the pivotal painful point
Of you and me
And you had to choose SILENCE
You had to just STOP
Inviting paranoia
Self doubt, and all these tears.
These **** tears
I am sick of these tears.

It was the wrong moment.
Perhaps that's the whole point,
The wrong moment was the right moment,
Because this way, it really is the end.

All of my electrons
Move towards your atoms
But
I wish you weren't so
Negatively charged.

You are drawing all my molecules
They orbit you, continuously
You make me polar
I will never be
Positive again.

It's Sunday.
She's up at 6,
And she's LOUD
Demanding malties, and an apple,
And making Mummy play swords.

I can't even face coffee.

There she is, sword in hand, Sunday smile
(I've got MUMMY!)
My back hurts and I haven't slept
But I must wave this sword and
Pick a crusty something from her hair.

My happy little nightmare,
Child of my heart,
I envy you.
You bounce from bed, and are ready to go,
No subtleties of mood, or inner conflict
And you're years away from back pain,
Or a bad mood caused by lack of sleep.

Last night, between 2 and 4am,
I walked you back to bed a few thousand times
As you cried, and begged to sleep with me.
At least someone wants to.
Daddy snores away, he'll be down around 10
All smiles, and wanting to head to the park.

This is baby morning.
I remember other mornings -
A leisurely coffee, bagels,
An almost pleasant hangover,
The papers, lazy ***.

Baby morning.
Will I ever look back at you
Wistfully, and wish I could return to
Apple demands, sagging *****,
Swords, exhaustion, cuddles, giggles,
Overwhelming love?

Are all these ******* and tears
A release
A purge
The final stage of grief?
Or are they madness,
Wallowing,
Refusal to let go?

******* THEN tears
And maybe that's the key,
I never cried before at any of those moments
I never felt the need.
I think, that on reflection
This is good,
This is goodbye.

I will never now know
If you're as good in bed
As you are in my head.

It's unfortunate
As I will always assume you are
And suspect, therefore

That I can never let you go.

When you were clearly flirting with me
I should not have asked if you were flirting with me,
And when you replied yes, and asked if that was allowed
I should not have said yes, and asked if I were allowed to flirt back.

Everyone is wrong
When they **** you for this mess
I could have called a halt to it immediately,
And even later
The second, third, or fourth collision
I could have made it stop.

I should not have invited you out, alone
I should not have told you I needed a drink to tell you a secret.
I should not have whispered "I'd love to, too"
Then leaned in for your kiss.

You suggested things, and I agreed.
I should not have agreed to find you on Twitter
Or send you that photo,
I certainly shouldn't have met you for lunch
Or told you that I wasn't wearing underwear
Or taken your hand in mine, and pressed your fingers gently,
Or stayed silent when you asked me when...when...when...
Inviting misinterpretation.

See, I am far from blameless
I concurred, agreed, enjoyed
Every second, every moment, I regret nothing.
Nothing, except that I could have kept you,
I needn't have lost you.
If I hadn't allowed a beginning,
Then I wouldn't now be struggling with the end
Dearest friend.

Old friend,
I cannot have you back
Not in that way
There is no wormhole to the past
Going back is not an option
So let’s go forward
Regardless of where we will end up.
I have assumed
That we need to return to the old ways
But maybe there is a new path
to a calmer destination
A different way
To a future for us both

My friend, she's watching you,
Stalking you, claws extended, fangs exposed,
Waiting for a chance to swoop
And dismember,
Waiting for a time to ****.

My friend, she's watching out for me
Because I can't.
She is my tigress, pacing on bloodied paws
Living for the moment she can pause, frozen
And leap, finishing you forever.

You do not stand a chance.

I will come back to you
Wait for me here
I will come back
And find your face in the seething crowd
I will home in
And return, this will be my choice
Wait for me
And don't despair
I will be there.

If I wanted just to disappear,
I'd have to make a plan.
Slowly, slowly, subtly,
I would turn into a man.

And as things bulge, and shrink, and lengthen
Then I'll know I cannot stay
But, having said that, knowing my luck
He would then decide he's gay.

You are a slowly growing tumour
Feeding on the best things in my life
You are cancerous
And I cannot cope
With the side effects
Of the cure.

I want to pull you back, back
into my arms and onto my mouth
I know, I know
You are doing what you must
In keeping away, for both of us, but
It HURTS.
If I could only know
That you are thinking of me
If I could only catch your eye
And re-establish what we found.
Is this the end?
The unclaimed ecstasy of us
Come back to me, I will give it all up,
And never look behind
If you will come back,
Please come back.

You have no idea
How you have changed me.
You think it just a minor lapse
Easily overcome.
A dalliance, sidelined,
Quickly forgotten.
What if you knew
How I have altered?
That there is someone else
Underneath my skin?
Our kiss unearthed a changeling
And everything I touch
Feels alien and other-worldly
Abstract, and assumed.
My life has been stolen
It belongs to that other person
She’s hidden far below
Whimpering for release
Too quietly to hear.
My blood is screaming
Thundering with new, unwelcome cells
It drowns the old me out
Help me overcome the usurper
Keep away, away
She feeds on you and grows strong
Starve her.
Stay away.

Suddenly, this year, I want to **** everyone
Or, more specifically, our friends;
My best friend, his best friend
Old friends
New friends
Friends I haven't seen for years.
I think I must be lacking something
But also, it is just about the ***.
Because I'm thirty seven
What if all my best encounters are behind me?
What if the best lay of my life
Is sitting next to me at a cafe
Or trotting along beside me on a power walk?
I don't want to get it on with strangers, enemies, colleagues,
Or the good looking guy who makes my coffee at Starbucks
Just friends
Am I missing something
Obvious to everybody else?

I will make it to the end of this evening
Without messaging you
But I will check my phone constantly
Endlessly, hopelessly, pointlessly
Wanting to see
A tiny
Round
Mini
You

Your silence
Moves me in ways your words never did
Your silence
Destroys my speech
Paralyses my thoughts
Provokes my tears
Undoes me.

As the days unfold
I forget how we sounded
Your silence
Dements me
Your silence
Makes me question
Makes me wallow in despair.

I make hasty decisions
Say things I shouldn’t
Your silence unwomans me
Makes me violent, makes me rage

You brought me here
Against all reason
Wore me down
Dangled me on a string
Until I broke
And now you abandon me
Silence engulfs me

Far away, where you are
Do you imagine me silent
Or are you clapping your hands over your ears
To block out my screams?

A butterfly lives for a single day.
If she thinks, perhaps she thinks
It would be easier to stay cocooned.

But I like to imagine that every atom in her
Yearns for that fleeting moment
Moves towards the light
With wings outstretched, blazes for a second
Awaiting admiration, fully alive
Soars into the sky, aware that time is fleeting
Simply quivering with joy.

It is snowing in my soul
Swirls of icy air swoop about me
And my only refuge
Is a cold, crumbling church
Guarded by a grinning gargoyle
With his claws embedded in my feebly beating heart.
It’s colder still inside
The pews are crusted with ice like slate
And the stained glass windows show
Drooping tortured souls
In Christlike agony
All forsaken.
Penitent, I huddle at the altar
But there’s no reviving wine
To gently wash away my sin

I want to *******
And **** you
And kiss you
I miss you
Will you
Please   Please          Please
PLEASE
Just
      *******
Come back?

Every evening
We would pour a glass of wine
And talk about our day
I would put my feet on your lap
Which would make you grumble
But sometimes you would rub them for me, anyway.
At some point
We would make something to eat
I would chop onions, mushrooms, sip on wine
And stop to fold my arms around your waist
Breathe in us, our oxygen, my life
Dinner would be spicy, bedtime spicier
We might watch something funny on TV
Tidy away toys, or I would have a bath
And you would sit there with me, just being.
What now, love?
A distance and a dark, unspoken fear
The wine tastes sour
And my feet remain tucked under me
Slowly going numb.
I never want to cook
So we don’t eat, or we order in
I wish that I could order in the past
I know exactly what I’d have
And when it arrived, I’d devour it all, ravenous
I’d binge, throw up, and cry.

How I laughed
When she said, “You’ve been corrupted by him,”
It’s so true
But not in the way that any of them think
I’ve allowed you to make me all about
***, all body parts and fluids and ***** words;
Come, ****, *****, ****
You have tuned me into your turn-ons.
Don’t get me wrong
It turns me on too
But – silly little girl -
All the romance
has only been in my head.
How you would laugh if you knew
How I have listened to these yearning songs
And dreamed of you
When all you really want
Is moist, willing flesh
And a warm, wet tongue.
I have been your *****.
No more.

I think I will
Cut off my hands
They have not served me well
And must go.
I will gouge away my tongue
It ought to be removed
Before it does more damage
My traitorous thighs -
I will line the path you longed to trace with kisses
With tiny cuts instead
Small, but deep
I’ll make myself a freak.
Then I’ll take the knife to my *******
You always liked them best
So I will cut, swift and clean, discard them in a little heap, trash,
They deserve nothing better.
And now, I am a tongueless, sexless, bleeding horror
Dismembered, a series of parts
On display for you,
Come see.
Penetrate my gaping mouth,
Rub the moisture from my thighs,
Gather up my *******,
Hold my hands
And own me, what you’ve made me
I’m all yours.

We can be lovers
Or strangers
Never again can we be at peace together
in each others company.
I miss resting my head on your shoulder
No awareness of the heat between our bodies.
I miss when you and I meant less,
Meaning more.
It seemed so unimportant, what we had
But now I mourn for when I could be with you in a room
And not yearn to move closer.
We were so careless with our calm moments
Never suspecting that everything could change
And suddenly, the charged air between us
Makes it difficult to breathe.
Breathe with me.
Breathe life back into what we have lost.
We'll starve these other thoughts of air
And let them die.

I found a perfect peach
And let my greed engulf me
Ate it dripping summers' blood
It tasted of life, and glowed
Like a miniature sun.
I drowned in the juice
And for less than a minute
It was my universe.
When I came to the heart of the thing
That stern unyielding stone
I nearly wept that it was over
Although there were others in the bowl
None were at that perfect moment
And never would be.
They were as hard as rocks
Or soft, but slightly weathered, starting to fur
The juice not quite ****, not quite sweet, not quite right
I don't think I will ever find another perfect fruit
I don't think I will try.

Never think of me with regret
We will leave unspoken that connection
And remain as we were,
Barely even friends.
Why am I so sad?
I have lost, really, so very little
We were never close
I was too afraid to examine the reasons why.
I would love to claim you as my friend
To tell you now, how you delight me
How the twist of your smile
Makes my insides spin
How I want to move against you
And feel your hands press
Around the curve of my spine.
But these are not the thoughts of a friend
We are not, and never will be
Anything of the sort.
What will we be?
Please, not awkward strangers
Regretting a night I would rather relive.

Please don't hurt me
Oh, and oh, you know you could.
I have seen you cut people dead
And I would die, bleeding at your feet
If you cut me in that way.
I would die, crying for your kisses
With your name on my lips
And your taste in my mouth
Trying hard to smile
And not to cause you pain.
Please remember that you are my friend
And lift me gently to my feet
Forgiving us for all of this
And loving me no less.

Can I have me back, please?
Thief of my life
Can you set her free, for me?
What you have given me back, so far
Bears no resemblance to the glowing, happy girl you stole away.
I admit, the resemblance is there,
But what's this desperation in her eyes
And the dark, dark circles underneath?
Where's their laugh and sparkle?
This can't be my me
Can I have her back?
Or, if this imposter is a part
Of what I was, then
Can I have the rest?
Can I have back
Calm contentment
Eyes wide shut
And the most important part that was your friend?

I'm convinced that I needed you
To find myself, again
You offered me a doorway
Back into my own head.
It could have been anyone
You are unimportant
In the scheme of things
I'm in love with the drama and the dreaming,
Not the man.
It would hurt you to know this
What happened between us
was exactly what it was, for you.
Not the aftermath
The cleaving to a dream.
I'm sorry.
I used you.
Would it help to know
That I was clueless at the time?
I believed myself helpless
Even as a little part of me stood aside
Detached from every feeling
And rejoiced in what this meant for me
Awakening
Rebirth.

We burn my children.
We smouldering kisses we light the touchpaper
And cover our eyes as they ignite.
From the heart of the flames
I strain to hear them screaming.

Not now, but soon

I will hear them crying
For Mummy
Who stepped into the fire
And burns there, bleeding lava tears
Unscathed.

There is no room for delicious
For hungry, naked glances
And sips of you and whisky at the bar.

No place for fevered kisses
Lost in you, then coming to,
Colliding in a cab home.
To them, unsuspecting,
We are demons.

There is no way to justify these acts
Except the warm, sweet smell of you
Fading from my skin
Unspoken, welcome new sensations
All consuming
Oh so sweet.

She said we were wired
But we hadn't had much coffee
I was wired to you.
The still smarting
Electric tang
Of your lips against mine
The unfamiliar burn of whisky
And the hot, metallic burn of
sparks between us.
How could they not see?
I know how...
If this were reversed
I couldn't conceive of such betrayal
Yet, being on the other side
I see things aren't so clear.
However much I want you
I want to mend things more
I will cut the connection
Leave me drowning in the dark.

I always held you at arms length
I now know why.
It seems that all along
An invisible cord stretched between us
I had to keep it loose -
Taut, it pulls at me and hurts
It threatens to snap
And then I'd fall.

All around and everywhere
Are people wanting people
Who are even more than forbidden.
Not to act
Is expected, but underneath
We know what happens
And accept.

Shall I pull on the cord?
I could cut it with my teeth
But what if it's a shining wire?
It will catch on my tongue
And make me bleed.

Perhaps instead
I'll tenderly unravel,
Strand by strand
Our parting will be gentle
Our lives remain intact.
These invisible cords are commonplace
They don't just disappear.

I am standing in the rain
With my face upturned to the stern, judgemental sky
The's no pathos here for me
This rain doesn't mirror my pain
It isn't soft or sympathetic,
Just relentless dripping.
Rattling, gritty city rain
Impervious, acidic,
Trying to dissolve me.
It doesn't matter
I am already melting, ungently
Parts of me are floating down the sludge-slick streets
Of this place I used to love.
It's poison for me now
Pulling me apart, like the rain
Working on me, persistent dagger drips
It's water torture.
Even if I turn away, and cover all that's bare
Each droplet seems to find me
Seeking out the pressure points
Left tingling by your kiss.

With these words, I find him in my head
They are my salvation.
When I need to find a way to him, I write instead
He is my creation.
Please don't leave me, hungry words
My appetite, not met, at bay,
Without you, there are pictures in my head
I won't turn them to words
They need to stay unsaid.

I poured and drank a final glass of wine with you
Undertaking that sacrament
With a pure heart, for the very last time.
But where was the rapture
Of union with my God?
Unconsecrated, I yearned
for flames, and burned
Burned with something else
Unspoken, like a prayer.