Friends don't trick each other.
I tell myself, it was just your way,
And yet, sometimes, I think about the way you worked me,
And I almost feel
groomed.
You were very good at the hinting and the waiting and the taking,
Very, very good my friend.
And now?
I suspect you just see it all as a bit of a lapse in judgement.
Unfortunate.
it got a little messy,
But you managed to get away unscathed.
You're very persuasive, talked her round,
He and I were collateral damage.
Expendable.
You were never a friend.
I was never anything
But a minor mistake.

I am Janus
Turn away
You will find no truth, today.

Lies drip
From honeyed lips,
My bait,
Your love, your hate.

I am Janus
Always two
Contradictory plans for you.

Embrace duality
Can you love both sides of me?

Find yourself in a forest,
Dappled, green, lush,
Hush.
There's someone singing nearby,
And her voice is filled with joy.
It catches your heart
And lifts it, sends it searching
For the song.
Follow your heart.
There's a path, through the trees
That only you can see,
In a dappled grassy knoll
Waiting, wanting,
You'll find me.

Sometimes my heart beats too fast
Then too slow
Or stutters in my chest.
Thumping,
Jumping,
As if it's trying to get started.

At other times it pounds painfully once or twice,
Then launches into a half minute of rapid beats
Like a thrumming motor.
Barely there mouse beats.
It shivers,
Quivers,
Trembling, frightened,
Adrenaline prepped.

Perhaps it's never really been sure
If it's doing things right,
Maybe it has stage fright?

There's nothing wrong with my heart
The doctors assure me.
So why does it behave as if it wants to escape?

The chemicals produced by the brain
Combine and collide
In order to confuse.
I want to defy the formula,
Ignore the reaction,
And choose.
Choose what I want,
Who I want,
Override chemical overthinking.
Overactive imagination plus a little stimulation
Equals lust, obsession, pain.
Perhaps if I try really hard to overcome my programming,
I could be an alchemist of emotional responses,
Instead of an oxytocin ******.
I know, I know
It's arrogant of me to expect to be
The first human being to truly master self-control.
The alchemists of old
Had a better chance
Of turning straw to gold.

Everyone that cares about me
Hates you.
Everyone hates you.
Everyone.
Except the one
Who really should.