This time last year, I gave up.
I walked away with no intention of looking back.
I finally started to move on.
I was happy.
But the envious being that you are
did not allow me to stray too far.
You followed closely behind me, observing my every move.
You couldn’t stand to see me smile, knowing that he accomplished something you couldn’t.
You plotted against me.
I ran into your arms.
And you just pushed me away.
Was it all for nothing?

I’m tired of crying every night, consumed by pain.
Tired of hoping things would be different and expecting **** to change.
Tired of waking up every morning and everything’s the same.
Tired of believing all the lies and feeling so betrayed.
Tired of smiling on the outside and suffering within.
No one looks beyond the superficial… its too easy to pretend.
I wish you could see deeper and recognize something’s wrong, and care enough to fix it, but I guess I’m asking for too much.
Despite that I would never hurt you and I wait patiently for you to come around,
you wouldn’t give a **** if I lay lifeless on the ground.
Once upon a time I loved you, but like a Grimm’s fairytale, I know how this will end.
So, I’m closing the book and I’m starting on a new one.
Hoping my happiness will soon commence.

Trapped in an underwater cage.
Unable to swim.
Unable to escape.
I'm suffocating.
Drowning.
Full of despair.
Water fills my lungs as I try to gasp for air.
I lost my will to fight....
My will to live- no longer there.

If pain isn't tangible:
Why do I feel it rolling down my cheeks?
Why can I feel it in my stomach?
Why do I feel so weak?
My heart was shattered
I can feel the punctures from each piece.
Why do I feel so empty? Hollow? Incomplete?

He had his flaws.
Certain things, I just couldn't ignore.
But setting that aside for a moment, that man really loved me.
He was genuinely attracted to me- it wasn't just words.
I couldn't touch his arm without his body becoming covered in goosebumps.
He made me feel loved and beautiful all the time.
He made me feel safe and protected from harm.
He was always there for me. He took care of me when I was sick.
And he rushed to my aide whenever I needed him- no questions asked.
He even dried my tears and tried to console me every morning and evening and after *** when I cried over my ex- the love of my life.
And therein lies the problem... No matter how many things he did right or how hard he loved me-
it just didn't feel right to me because I could never love him that way.
I was completely inlove with a man who NEVER cared about me.
A man who hurt me physically and emotionally.
A man who stole from me and my children.
A man who lied and cheated. A man who wouldn't even touch me or sleep beside me most nights.
A man who never respected or appreciated me.
A man who never built me up because he was too busy tearing me down.
He made me to believe that his actions were my fault.
The worst part is...
I find myself still loving that man today.
I'm trying so hard to heal from it all, but it seems hopeless.
And it's all on me...
No one else could ever make it better for me.
I just wish that one day, I could find true and mutual love.
I want to be inlove with someone who loves me the way I love him... with every fiber of my being.

Occasionally, I reminisce about the good times and become aware of how much I miss our past. Then I remember why I had to put it behind me and realize it’s not what I want for my future.

Some nights are more difficult than others. The texts you send don’t make it easier. But with each passing day, I’m getting stronger.

Thank you for loving me once upon a time. I may never love another man the way I loved you. But I look forward to a life full of happiness that you could never give me.

I never could be her.
You loved her.
You accepted her.
You respected her.
But where did that leave you?
Missing her.

Now you're trying to recreate what you had by trying to change me.
You don't care how insecure u make me.
You don't care how misersble I am.
You don't see how hard I try.
And you seem not to realize that she's not worth trying to morph me into.
Because she's not me!
And perfect as she is
I'm the one thing she will never be.

Viewing my reflection,
All I see is deception.
There’s a common misconception
Of what deserves acceptance.
So I try to read the script
And I attempt to play the part,
But what I show to the world
Isn’t what’s really in my heart.
I understand that I am flawed,
But the world makes me feel broken.
Through this expression of emotion
Understanding is what I’m hoping
To obtain.

Thoughts that consume my mind are driving me insane.
And I constantly wear masks
So you don’t ever see my pain.
If you did,
I know you’d never understand.
That every night before I lay,
I pray I will not awake.
And as each day goes past,
I wish it were my last.

If I let you see the truth,
you’d think I need to be locked up.
Its ****** up,
cuz the fact is that
you’re the one who’s causing this!
You’re the one who tears me down
And demolishes my confidence!
You’re the one who shoved me
When I needed you to help me stand!
You’re the one who pulled away when I reached out for you’re hand.
Instead of helping me up,
You rubbed salt in my wounds.
And when I screamed out for you,
You never answered my call.

You make me feel so alone.
I see now that it’s hopeless.
Why should I live, if my life isn’t worth ****?
How can I learn to love myself
When no one else could ever love me?
How could I ever show the world that I’m somebody worth something?

I keep trying to convince myself that I deserve to be happy.
I just can’t seem to find it.
At times, a ghost from my past gives me the false illusion that happiness is within my reach.
But then reality sets in.
The ghost suddenly vanishes, and I’m left alone staring at the clock through the blur of my tear-filled eyes.
Minute after minute, hour after hour. Unable to rest.
Afraid that I will be haunted if I close my eyes.
It is in those moments that I realize and truly understand- I could never be loved.
I will live out the rest of my days in somber solitude.
Smiling on the outside, dying from within.
Chasing your ghost is like fighting a battle I know I’ll never win.

It can save a life.
It can destroy a life.
But when it does both it's lethal.