People may think
They know what's going on
They know exactly what my sadness is like
But they don't
They don't know why I'm sad
In fact I don't either
They don't know why I hate myself
But I know why
It's because they judge my appearance
They don't know why I'm crying at night
I know why
It's because I know no one I love will ever understand me
It's not a phase
It's a fact
No one understands
No one cares
So I put on my smile
So no one has to deal with me
I trick myself into being happy
But it doesn't last long
Because reality always seems to interfere
Does everyone enjoy laughing at me?
Does everyone like ruining me?
Does anyone understand me?
Yes,
Yes,
and No.
I wish I could be a normal girl
My own room
I could have makeup
I could be pretty
I could have a best friend that understands me
But that isn't reality

This isn't even a poem anymore...

Their hearts beat within my chest
And I
Weep

For I cannot help them
Nor myself

Who will yearn for me
When the universe
The stars
Reside within my own flesh

I lay in a multitude of voids
Comforted by silent noise
And the whispers

They scream at me
The hearts they pound
And leap from my body
Escaping
I release you


Who will weep for me

I fell into my pillows
On my big soft bed
And dreamed a dream so loud
They heard it all, and it led
To a far away land
Where its all soft
And happy inside
And maybe,
Just maybe,
I can be myself
And finally be free

Don't talk to me
Nor look at me
Because I wish to be invisible
My dignity very fragile

You scroll through my chats
On my social media, they aren't so flat
They have private things, embarrassing things
Things I'd rather you not see

But you saw the words
And laughed at my hurt
And you told my family
And I'm embarrassed.

I don't care if I'm not in trouble now,
I will be later, because you looked through my chats
You looked through my stuff
And that stuff was private.

I sit by the coolest people
They always talk and have fun!
Why don't I want to talk too?

I sit by the popular people
They always look their best
Why don't they like my outfit today?

I sit by the nicest people?
They compliment each other
Why don't they compliment me?

I sit by the worst people
They make me insecure
Why do they talk about me?

Why do I feel so insecure when I sit with them?
Why don't I like talking when I sit by them?
Why am I the ugly one?
Why am I the nerdy one?
Why do they call me names?
Do they not know how it hurts me?
Oh I get it...







They just don't care, but it's okay, I don't care anymore either.








I don't care about anything anymore.

I look at my screen




I can't look away

I'll tell you my secret
Maybe another
Because I trust that
You won't speak of it

So I tell you, and you go home
Then the next day
They all know about it...
Wonder how that happened.

Now they laugh at me
And tease me for my life
But you told them the wrong thing...
Did you listen at all?

So not only did you betray me,
And my trust,
But now I know,
You didn't even care

So now I keep my secrets
All bottled up
And since you left me,
I have no friends to share them with

The broken cry,
Some left to die.

The children laugh,
Their lives not broken in half.

The terrified scream,
Even in their dreams.

But the numb stay silent,
Cause it's all they ever hear.


Silence.

Flashing colors
A tightening of the lungs
Then, a loss of consciousness

And I free myself again

Everynight I look up
In the night, I sip my cup
I stare at the stardust
Leaning on my car of rust

Because I'm not rich, nor poor
But somethings I have lure,
And I can't leave them
As I think... I trace the cup rim

I remember the days
Filled with grace
When I didn't care
When we learned to share

But now my memories, I can't let go
No matter how old
Because those little thoughts
Make my whole self up

And without the memories, I always fear
My life won't be so clear
And I won't ever find myself again,
Lost in this world of sin

I see the world, sometimes
through a static filter
sometimes it seems unreal,
like a dream but I'm too aware
like lightheadedness but I don't feel like passing out

It's like I'm a machine
living on autopilot
like muscle memory but I'm conscious of what I'm doing
it's all scattered and blurry
and sometimes I feel like I'm not in my own body

It scares me,
scares me that I don't understand it
scares me that I can't control it
scares me that I don't know when it will happen
scares me how staticy it seems

A stranger, and a flood
In my room
The water is rising
Faster and faster
I take out the window
Two others climb through
We cannot leave
We would get in trouble
A green glob, grows and grows and doesn't stop
Moss specs form on the object
It grows everywhere, it won't stop
The three others with me are in trouble
And it's my fault
They leave me, off doing their own things
My mother calls the government to help me
No one else is seen
The glob grows larger

And I wake up

The flames grow
And grow
        And float
                Above the clouds

I can watch and stare
As long as I please
Though I know
I'll never catch one

If I catch one
My hand will set ablaze
And It will hurt me, and burn me
          Untill
                   I
                     Am
                          No
                              More
Than a simple pile of ash

I can't speak to you
Or disagree with you
I have to nod my head
In agreement with you

I want to tell you
     "I don't believe that"
       "I support that"
         "But that is okay"

Instead I nod my head and say to you
        "Yeah"
                   "I know right"
        "It's not okay"

The flames are my thoughts
And my truest, deepest feelings

My hand is my courage
To open up

You are my head
My whole being
Not letting me

And I let you do that to me

You may ask why I don't confess
Or fight for my beliefs
But I promise you, I can't
Because I don't want my own family to hate me.

If I look in the mirror
I don't see me
I see a girl who is hiding
She sits in the back of the class
She hides during lunch
And the saddest part?
She forgot who she ever was

Little pieces of shine
Grow around me
As I listen
To the songs they sing

"Another day another day we sing...
we will rise up with the sun and go with it too.
We are the golden flowers, in this meadow
And we like to sing"

"We are the ones that bring joy
To all your summer days.
So smile, don't frown
For many joyous days are here."

I sit for hours
Smiling like an idiot
As I sit and listen
To the pretty golden flowers

I love my friends
When they all laugh
And have a good time

without me.

I love my family
Even if
They don't like me playing with them

and when they judge me.

I love my school
I love reading
All the books

even if people stare at me.

You see now,
Don't judge a book
By it's bright and happy cover

because once you see
whats inside
you'll want to stop reading

So go on!
Have fun
And be happy

because your lives
will be better off
without me

You fell in love with the idea of him
You refuse to leave, although it is grim

How everyone sees the red flag
Yet, about him, you brag

He's not that bad, they will come around
How can you say that with such a sad sound

Perhaps it's the fear of finding no other man
No one else... Although, you can

Or, maybe, I'm simply jealous
Much too overzealous

Because while you fell in love with the idea of him
I might have fallen in love with the idea of you

The stars sing in the dead of night
Looking down on us my love
I hope and pray that they will sing
A lullaby for you darling
So you can sleep well

The stars shine in the dead of night
In unending bliss
To light a path for us my love
So that you don't trip and fall
Fall away from me

The stars align in the dead of night
Writing our names
So that I'll know
That we truly are
Written in the stars

The stars sing in the dead of night
A calming melody
That will allow me to sleep
Knowing that
You're safe and happy...



Without me.

In my back yard grows a plant
I ignore it, usually
Sometimes it grows too big
And its branches begin to wrap around my house
I don't know what to do, so I watch it
The branches try to consume my roof
My walls
Everything inside
Then I get scared and run outside with an axe
I chop, and chop, and chop
But I can't see anymore,
because it's too dark
I don't let anyone help me
I know it's my fault it happens
"What if it takes over their homes too?" I always think.
I chop until sunrise when it begins to wilt away
The sun dissolves it, and I throw down my axe.
I smile, happy once more.
And I go into my house, that's once again filled with light

And I look at the small tree outside, wondering
"What could it ever do to me?"

Trapped in my dream
In this endless sleep
My thoughts cloud my eyes
Every time I open them

Killing me is what the memories do
I'm trapped in this endless cycle
Love dissapears
Life's sadness comes in
Sadness takes over these clouds

My thoughts race as I think of the time
Every second of my life is running out...


            But you would only understand if you read the sidelines.

I'm tired of people
I'm tired of hearing

I'm tired of feeling
I'm tired of seeing

I'm tired of turning
Everything upside down

I'm tired of life
And tired of feeling down

I want to know you
And help you stand
But I just can't...
Understand.

I want to help you
Through these troubled times
But what if I can't...
Understand?

I don't want you to feel lonely
Hated, nor sad
Just please tell me whats going on,
Let me Understand.

I hate when I can't come up with ideas
For poems or books
When I just want
To write

I hate when I can't sleep
And my mom gets mad
Even though it isn't my fault
it really isn't...

I just want to do something
Anything at all
To block out the sadness
Crawling from the void

Oh no... It's too late
I have nothing to do
And the sadness is back
Oh I hate when this happens...

My friends! Oh no!
They can't see me like this, I think
So I smile through all the pain
So they don't see me bawl

I laugh and joke
And be happy
Because I've learned...
It's not okay to be not happy

You've grabbed my head with both hands
And squeezed out all rational thought

And then he took both of his hands
And squeezed out understanding of this situation

I don't know if it's wanting of love
Or if it's a wanting of you to hold me

But all I know is that I'm just too young and dumb and confused
To make any smart choices right now.

So that's what I'm gonna do, I'm not gonna choose
Maybe I'll just never choose again.

Mentally I am scarred
Emotionally I am broken
Inside I am dead
In reality I am done
Yet physically, I smile

Because only happy girls are loved
Girls should just smile and wave
Girls shouldn't be nerds and wear glasses
Girls need to play dumb and wear makeup
Girls need to do the housework for the guys

These stereotypes claw at them
Untill they give in
And they forgeet everything
"Smile and wave, do the chores, make him happy"

That is all they know
And that is all they will do
Untill their brains finall realize what is happening
And they try to find themselves
But they are already to broken to be fixed

why
why
why
why
why
why
why
why
why
why
...





Why me
Why must I go through this
Why must no one understand
Why do people's jokes hurt so much
Why do people have to laugh at me
Why can't I be normal
Why can't be happy forever
Why do I have to go on like this

Such a weird word why.
So weird that it appears
Way to often in my thoughts
And in my mouth
Untill I have to swallow it down
So no one laughs at me
And I don't cry again
At least in public