On the outside, I'm just like you
I laugh at the jokes you make
When you make fun of me
And it's as if they never could get to me
Never, at all

However, as much as I wish it was true
I'm too afraid of you.
I know you'll make fun of me more
If I told you how those jokes hurt

I can never express the things I like
Such as the music I enjoy,
Because I'll get in trouble
For it being so unpure

It may be my own fault I'm like this
I've let my fears and insecurities take over me
But honestly, I think it's just
The way you all raised me.
My classmates, parents, siblings, and cousins too
Your influence on me has taken control
As well as society's too

Ahead of me is a meadow
Full of beautiful flowers
I love to see every one of them
So vibrant in their color
Blue flowers, and pink flowers
Whichever will I choose?
I can't decide, so I take both
Both I love the same

She wants me to pick blue only
She'll hate me if I pick pink
Even if I choose both flowers
She'll never let me win
So I hide the pink flower from her
And my love for it
And show her my blue flower
And how much I adore it

It's what sticks with us
For almost our whole lives
We waste all of our time
Being stabbed by these knives
Without stopping to think
"Where would we be without that?"
We don't stop and appreciate
Where we are now
The place we came to
Because of those events
And since we can never forgive ourselves
And never forget
We will never live our lives
And that's what we will always regret.

My feet were stuck
Onto the ground
I couldn't move...
I couldn't save you

Something was blocking the way
Called my own misunderstandment
It kept me from reaching
My hand out to you

So I had to stare, as you crumbled
My best, best friend
You fell apart into pieces
Because your sadness had won

The walls keep me confined
This space I can't see
It keeps me

Every ounce of breath I have
Taken out of me
While my own thoughts consume me

My brain won't stop thinking
Anxiety and fears grip me
And I feel at a loss for control

I can lay alone in my own bed
But the darkness lays with me instead
And it doesn't let me sleep

I sleep, finally free
I awake, happy as can be
I feel fine, at peace with my mind

Then the darkness of the night comes again
And I can't see, can't breathe

"You're so smart, you get to go to college as a teenager!"
I'm terrified of disappointing my mom so I force myself to overwork in school and force myself to take college courses because my sister did too.

"How are you never affected by them? They make fun of you all the time!"
I never show how much it bothers me at class, but once I'm alone I cry it all out so I don't let them get the satisfaction of causing me to want to die.

"Calm down it was just a joke!"
And that joke hurt me. You don't get to decide how much a 'joke' hurts me. It scared me, and you will never stop making fun of me for it. I don't care if it was just a joke to you, because it's so much more to me.

"You're, like, the happiest person ever, you can't feel sad!"
Of course not, if I cry my mom gets annoyed, people pity me, classmates laugh at me. If I'm sad people will never let me forget it, and I'll never be able to be happy again.

"I understand you!"
No, you don't. Because I never let myself talk to anyone about it. I'm too much of a coward to vent to people because I always feel like they judge me, or are annoyed, or don't care. The worst-case scenario they tell others, and those others laugh at me because I go through these things.

"You can talk to me!"
Would you really listen? Because sometimes I feel like no one can hear me.

Thanks for the memories
Of laughter and play
Thank you for not harming
The ones I love

Thanks for the sunshine
And the warmth of the sun
Where I found the small moments
Of happiness

But once you see a little girl
Just like me
Don't hurt her
Like you killed me

Give this little girl joy
And sunshine for life
For this little girl
Shouldn't go through what happened to me

But thanks for the joy
And my family
But don't let her go through
What happened to me

I won't cry anymore
I promise you that
But if you could be nicer to me
I'd appreciate that

Thanks for reading
But seriously
I want to be happy
Don't be the death of me...

Don't be so cruel to me

Not everday a good guy appears
And you know from the start
What kind of guy he is
--------------------------------------------------------------­--------------
They don't break a girls heart for fun
They cherish every moment with you
So I like them better
----------------------------------------------------------­----
They don't call girls hoes
They will call a girl perfect
Even if you aren't theirs
-------------------------------------------
They don't take girls for granted
Because it's not everyday girls talk to them
It's not everyday a girl hangs out with them
And it's not everday they have the chance to fall in love
------------------------------------------------------------­---------------------
So never take him for granted
Love him with all your heart
Because it's not everday
You find a good guy like that one

My lips are sewn shut
By the people I love
My thoughts are trapped
With no way out

I haven't been taught how to cope
So I joke about everything I know
Then at night or in the shower
I cry my thoughts out until I'm numb

I haven't been taught how to cope
So I force my thoughts away
Until my feelings are gone, too
And I wait until I'm able to force myself to be happy

I haven't grown up able to talk
For judgment would await
And I can't seem to find the light
They said would be at the end

I'm starting to think there is no end

Over the years I have grown my own armor
They have struck me, and embarrassed me
Now no one can see me

I'm scared to say "You're welcome" when someone thanks me
I don't know if they were sarcastic, and trying to get a laugh out of my stupidity

I'm scared to open up, in case someone is quick to judge me
Like they were quick to decide they only wanted to make fun of me

I'm scared to talk, in case my voice fails
And I fall into the black void again, just because I'm embarrased

I'm scared of all these things, but the thing that terrifies me most,
No matter how good my armor is,
I'm never going to be confident enough.

Their words are knives
Ripping open my flesh
And giving me scars
That don't look the best

I'll sit there and let them hurt me
And I'll laugh along as if it doesn't bother me
But once I get home...

I'll hop in the shower
Tears will stream down my face
I'll fall to the ground
Wondering "What's wrong with me?"

Is it my body?
My hair? My eyes?
The way I talk? The way I laugh?
It makes me want to stop existing just to see if they cry

But I know they won't.

These people aren't human,
But downright monsters.

They will laugh at a small 6-year-old boy
Who just lost his life by drowning.

They will giggle at someone crying
When it was their fault, to begin with.

They will make fun of anything that isn't their "normal"
When that person already wants to die.

They don't care about anyone's feelings,
Their hurt, their smiles
The only thing they want to do is laugh
At ripping others apart with knives

My breath is steam
As it flows from my mouth
The freezing air all around me,
Mixed with the heat of my breath

I step in the snow
And it crunches underneath
And I feel bad,
When I feel the snows pain

My steps seem to fuel the snow,
Seems to help it grow.
As do the other steps of other people,
Yet can I only feel it?

I step on the road, to avoid the snow
But others still step on it
Do they know how I feel
When they do so?

They must think walking in the snow,
Is fun and amusing,
But it they stepped in the snow with my head,
Would they continue, or would they stop?

I question this, and find myself walking
Walking towards the snow again
It hurts, even the first step
But I know I'll never escape it

For the snow knows my heart and soul

Oh what a wish it is
To have a wish come true

Oh what I'd wish for
If I could just have one

Maybe to see you just again
To laugh with you once more

Maybe to talk to you again
Play with toys together

Oh what a wish it is
To have my childhood friend be my friend once more.

An open-soul surgery
A judgment for my sins
Will I go to heaven?

Or suffer the wrath of hell?

I lay on the operation table
Waiting for a verdict...

"Undecided."
I don't know what that means
I ask for further explanation
They hesitate to give an answer.

Oh, that's it?
A mixed up soul.
A messed up life.

A little of every emotion,
All balled up into one.
That's what they see in my soul.

They see sin, and kindness. An even amount.
So I guess that's just me,
"Undecided."

Time is sprinting ahead of me
and I can't catch up
I've lost track of my life around me
and the people who are stuck

The end is right there
I need to run, run, run
but time got there first
and now I'm in trouble, just my luck

I can't keep up with my papers and friends
my thoughts and confusion taking control
I'm letting it take over me, I gave up my fight
all I'm gonna do now is wait for the right time
(to say it aloud)

You pass right through me
As if I am a ghost
As if I felt nothing
But, oh, I feel everything
I feel so much everyday

You think you see right through me
As if you can tell I am lying
But explain to me you should
Why don't you catch my fake happiness
When I lie about being happy

Your laughter doesn't pass through me
As you think it does
It hits me hard
Right in my heart
And knocks the breath out of me

You think I can't hear you
As if I am deaf
But what if I told you
I hear everything
Every little breath

You look at me and laugh
And think I see nothing
But I am not blind you see
For if I was blind
I wouldn't have insecurities

You think so many things
You assume I am ok
But I am not a ghost you see
I am a human being
And I have feelings too, you know.

I think but cannot speak
I feel but cannot express
I try to write down my whole being
But it always comes out in a twist

I fail to write
I fail to speak
I fail to try my best
To talk to anybody

My words are jumbled, as well as my brain
The poems and pictures come out just the same
I don't know how to help myself
Get these emotions out

Laying awake my body floats
It’s spinning and twirling out of control
It quickly speeds up and then it slows
As a figure appears in my room
“Come with me, my friend
Adventure is what you need”
I take the girl’ s hand and she pulls me from my trance
Everything becomes bright
My walls turn into a meadow, and my floor into luscious grass
My ceiling melts into a sky with fluffy clouds and a yellow sun
The stranger and I run through the flowers and fight beasts of different kinds
Tall, short, black and red
But every journey has its end, and ours is coming to a close
I must return home before my mother finds me gone
I am brought back to my room and left alone
And I dream a wonderful dream, yet without the friend I met that night
I don’t know how, what happened, or why the light stayed
But the girl saved me from the evil inside my brain

Fairy lights
Hung on the wall

I'd count each one
So bright and small

They look just like the stars
All up in the night sky

I'd hang those on my wall
If only I were that tall

So I'll just lay down and stare
At the lights, and at the stars

And I'll dream about the brightness
Of each tiny thing

And I'll be reminded
Maybe you do care

Blinded by the smoke
I let you slip
From my hands
Like a bar of soap
So delicate
Like a feather
Made of glass

Found myself wondering
Why I let myself
Be taken over
By my want
To save you

Found myself wondering
Why I'm letting myself
Be taken over
By selfishness
Because I only want you

Found myself wondering
Why I'm thinking these things
Without even
Wondering
Who I am

Why don't I want to wake?
From the endless land
Full of my dreams
It's happier here
No insecurities
That torture me
Every.
Single.
Day.
I hide behind a bush, where I dream of nature
And the parks that I love
In the outside...
I run to a pond, where I dream of pools
Where family gathers and we have fun
In the outside...
I start to regret my desicion
And I try to escape
This prison called sleep
But I'm stuck
I should've been careful for what I have wished for
I should have listened
Why?
Why?
Why?

I awake to the darkness.

I can't see, I can't hear, I can't breathe
Yet I can feel the loneliness

And sadness

Inside.

In the room I sit,
Since I guess I can't
Escape so I'll just fit
In with the darkness within

Cause no one likes the sick

I awake in the light,
But I don't feel happy, nor relieved

I hear the sounds of the birds chirping, and cars passing
But I don't like it, nor do I want to breathe

I miss the peace of the dark, I miss the stillness of the night

I wish I could just stay in my dream forever
They say that'll make me go insane..



But what if I already am,
What if I'm trapped inside?

I held the fragile object in my hands
It’s veins clear in the sun
And I let go
And I watched it fall

It fell deeper
I felt afraid
I wanted to reach out and grab it
But I didn’t want it to burn me

I felt the leaf slip from me
The warmth I felt from it
As it fell, as did my joy
Because I don’t think I’ll get it back

Even if I know she loves me too

I can't speak
I can't breathe
I can't see
My life as it is

My mind changes it all
Seemingly on purpose
And breaks my sanity
Bit by bit

At night I imagine cruel scenarios
That makes it hard to sleep
So I just lay there
Listening to them

During the day I seem to hear the most
Especially at school
I only hear the whispers of me
And the laughs are cruel

Throughout my life
I hear these disgusting voices in my head
Why can't I just stop listening
And make up my own instead?

Too bright
They flash
Like morse code
From a lighthouse
I want to escape
I need to escape
Before I dissolve

But you hold me back

A soft blow of the wind
It whistles, calling to me
I look down upon the flowers I carry
Without hesitation, I let them go

Watching each petal reach the ground
Each stem laying in the grass
I look up
The clouds call me again

And I follow as if I had known all along

As dawn rises over the soft grass,
And soon above the tall trees
I stay inside,
And just write

As afternoon soon comes,
And dusk right after
I stay up at night,
And just write

I write emotions,
Of fear
Sadness
Happiness

I write stories,
Of struggle
Love
Hate

I write when I have no one else
To vent to,
To hang out with,
To stay inside with

I write for the public
So I can show them
How I really feel
About them

So I'll just stay inside today,
And all through the night,
So I can be happier
And just write.