It's nearly 6 a.m.
and I'm still awake-
My head pushed against your pillow, because mine's fallen to the floor.
You're still slightly snoring,
Still snoozing softly,
and I am filled and I am happy.

It's dark outside, I'm waiting on sun to seep through your blinds
I suppose it's going to be cloudy today-
But I can still see your slumber;
The way your chest rises and falls with my breath,
Your eyelids flutter slowly in tune to the dreams dancing across your head.
I stroke your hair and your fingers twitch gently against my arm.
I never want to fall back asleep,
I am entranced by your dormancy.
Looking at you makes me feel everything I've ever wanted all at once.

The alarm clock sounds
and I'm just starting to doze off
But you're rolling over-
Arms wrap around me, pulling me closer
and I can't tell if I'm smiling at you or in my dream
But I am so happy in our small moment.

Please press snooze
I need you to sleep with me now.

I still have bruises from the last time we saw one another-
But when I go to search my skin and recollect, I can not see them.
Those bruises seeped past my flesh and right into my blood stream,
No longer a faithful blue in my veins; my plasma runs a deep red,
Steadily dripping onto the bones that are supposed to keep me sturdy-
Yet, I continuously find myself stumbling over my own body.
Muscles weighed down by words that effortlessly flowed past your lips
Right into my brain which now runs endlessly pressing migraine
Headaches that I can't turn off
Because no medicine can heal someone who's fully broken
No medicine can fix an immune system that isn't ill
No medicine can fix my own mentality.

That night he reached for my hand
My fingers corroded.
Every nail of mine rusted over and began to crumble;
But, I kept holding on and fought against all the chemicals in my body working against his touch.

When he talked, I tried to keep up with simple conversation;
However, every time I went to speak
My lungs became oxidized.
I would choke on every letter that managed to escape;
But, I still said things I probably shouldn't.

And as he kissed me, I felt my mouth
Crystallize entirely.
Snowflakes frosted my lips and my teeth hardened into quartz;
But, I allowed it to happen over and over because
He always "loved how my smile shined."

When he was near, every atom in my body buzzed
Pressed against my skin and bones.
All protons, neutrons, and electrons collided against each other.
Fighting to escape
As if the cells that made me knew as explosion was near;
But, I didn't listen because I thought chemistry was just about balancing equations.

Being with you,
I kept myself from writing
Mainly because I was afraid of being sad again
My writing is always just sad

Now that you've left,
I have words flying around in my head
Attacking my thoughts
I didn't want this to be sad

I'm pretty sure that in a few months
You'll still be the subject of awful sad writing

I used to love change
Always wanted something different
Something new
Until I met someone who craved change, too

Until I fell in love with you
Who was quickly bored of tedious routine.

Then is when I started fearing change
There was always the reality that you would need
Something different
Someone different
Something different
Something new

I fell in love with changing never
I am still in love with the boy that faded

Jaded seemed to be your favorite word
I sometimes made myself laugh at the idea
Of keeping a count of how many times I heard the word slip out of your mouth.

I wasn't ready

Sudden change
That's what happens to people who get jaded as easily as you do
I didn't count on a forever, but
I didn't anticipate the sudden stop.

I expected more
Sleepless nights curled up against your back
Running my fingers across your shoulder blades
Tracing your spine as you slept
Kissing the sleep from your lips
Fixing your hair before you go to work
Coffee and Scrabble
Art museums and Monet
Guitar picks scattered across my floor
Countless nights of new movies
Long drives in your broken car
And listening to your favorite songs that I never could remember the words to.. but kept on my playlist anyways

I didn't prepare myself for a final night
Last kiss
See you later hug
Erasing future plans
Letting go of the love I still had left for you
Wondering if there will be another chance.

"What are you thinking?"
"... Now what?"

You've got an intimidating smile,
One that sends mixed signals.

What's your next move?

I wish I saw more often
The "I just figured you out" smirk,
I want to know what's in your mind.

I see your grin more than anything,
The type that gets wider the more passionate you are about something...

It's usually music.

Childish laughter and enthusiastic twinkle is what I fell in love with.
I see this displayed on you mostly when I sit across the room at parties
While you talk with others.

I want to see it more often
When I'm curled up in your pasenger seat
As you've got a new song pounding through the speakers,
Wide grin as you tap out the beat against your steering wheel and thigh.

I long for your sleepy slight smirks,
Again.
The one that I'm sure you never know that you make
In the middle of the night when I wake up and press into your chest.
You're softly asleep,
But your lips still slightly curl.

All I can recognize from you now are
Dry, empty tight lips
Unsure, careful laughs
But every now and then nostalgia curls into your grin and i remember all the smiles I fell so hard into.

We are laying
At the wrong end of my bed
Laughing way to hard
5 a.m. is beginning to shine through my window
Your smile looks so warm and I am falling in love over and over again

I am brutally falling for you.

I scar my knuckles with bruises as I grip your hand in mine
Hoping to never let you go.
Break my teeth keeping jealousy at bay
Trying hard not to let you hear the worst of what I should say.
Slice my tongue against your skin
Attempting to breathe in every bit of you while I still can.

I break my bones holding on so tight each night
Only to repair and prepare for when you leave each morning.

This has got to be the thousandth time Ive thought of you tonight.

I would keep a tally
But
At this point everytime I touch a pen,
I just end up writing about you instead.