Green

Green 21h

I have this imagine in my head
of how my life should be lived
where almost every action
every breath
every second
is filled with purpose
gratitude
and presence

But as I look back at
these piles of memories
as I read through my journals
I realise that time has passed
new memories have been made
and in many ways, I’ve grown
yet, I’m still stuck
stuck in this loop
of rebuilding and burning bridges

Just like that
time flew by
And somewhere along the way
I lost track
I’m terrified
so utterly afraid
that my future will meet the same fate

They say that until
a problem truly has been dealt with
it will return
with the same force
in different situations
but the same endings

Will I end up
creating another illusion of change?
Will this character of mine
always be flawed
haunted by what ifs,
Regrets?

Will I lose myself
once more
in this circle of repetition

I tell myself
it’s time to let go,
It’s time to let go,
It’s time to let go.
Yet somehow, I never truly let go

Why is this time different?

Green 3d

Echoes of you

They say ignorance is bliss
and for a moment
I almost regretted our kiss

They say to love and lose
Is better than never loving at all
But some days
I can’t help but disagree

I thought I’d grown used
to living without you
This emptiness once hollow
now filled with the weight of my own
presence
no longer craving your touch
Your voice
Your need

Yet still
These memories keep creeping in
slipping through the cracks I swore I
sealed
a shadow that never fades
haunting the quiet moments
whispering your name

All these **** poems
I’ve written about you
They drag me through time
Back to a place
Where your love was mine

Green 5d

Oh poetry

Oh poetry
my dear, sweet poetry
my only solace
will you speak to me?
Do you need me,
As I need you?
The words stick
clinging like glue,
and though they call me a poet
I am nothing without you
Oh poetry
My dear poetry,
Will you save me once more?

Green 5d

Untitled

She wrote me poems,
promised to give me whatever my heart desired,
wanted all of me in return.
I never felt the need to shrink,
there was always room for us both.

She was kind, caring,
utterly passionate—
and when the universe conspired against us,
she found a loophole.

My words never dried
in her quiet curiosity,
not like they did with you.
She longed for me,
craved my presence,
just as I once did with you.

She’s everything you’re not,
and though my soul feels safe,
my heart is warm,
held in comfort,
she’s not you.

Green 6d

Untitled

perhaps she was lost in thought
publicly losing herself
letting vulnerability
quietly consume her eyes
for mere seconds
only to vanish
before anyone could notice

Green 7d

Ghost of you

I find myself talking to the ghost of you
along the way
breaking promises I made to myself
I don’t know how I ended up here again
how I’ve returned to this miserable habit
of keeping you alive in my mind

I fill my thoughts with images of you and him
She’s moved on, for God's sake.
I remind myself, over and over
Still, I catch my eyes searching the sky
at least were under the same stars
thats what you always said
I wonder if you remember

Do you think of me when you look up?
Do you remember the things we said
when we were madly in love
when our hearts were intertwined
torn into pieces only we could fit together
or is he all that’s left of you now?

Green Jan 22

This is the year

this is the year
my year
I shall put me before them
This is the year
I’ll learn to play the Guitar
this is the year
I’ll chase my dreams, my passions
never daring to let them slip away
not even for a second
it would be my only obsession
this is the year
I let go of the idea of us
burying the hope of you ever loving me
again
this is the year
I try to say goodbye to the distractions
chained on me like anchor rocks
pulling me further and further down
this is the year
I rise above them
claiming the fate of me back

I wrote this piece at the start of the year. You see, for the last years, or maybe all my life I’ve been trying to chase passions, to spend my time on things that free me, but I always find a way back to my old destructive habits. Self sabotaging myself, welcoming every distraction, every smallest bit of satisfaction. Prioritising short term happiness. And as the years passed I found regret to grow next to it. And I just can’t help but wonder, who would I have been now, if I had dared to leg go? If I had chased my dreams? I won’t ever know that, but I’m still young I still have time I tell myself. I’ll do it tomorrow, I’ll start next month, and suddenly I’m here, in the new year. And time is so funny and scary cause it flies by, and before you know it, those opportunities you had, is long gone. They won’t wait for you, the world keeps spinning you see, living, even through your stuck at the beginning. The world does not wait for you. And maybe just maybe you won’t have the privilege of putting it off till the next year. Anyways as I say every year, this is the year, my year.