Happy
Short lived
But
Happy, am I not?
The air hums
With the sound of my laughter
Yet in the glint of silence
truth creeps in
Begging me to see
To give it a chance

You must ignore it
Look the other way
Be happy, they say
that’s all that matters
My friend

Are you not comfortable my dear?
with worried eyes they ask
But what about
No
Don’t finish the thought

Just be happy
Happy
Happy
Happy

But at the cost
of my
Soul

We’re all
Justifying
Filling our days
With habits that bind
Believing in illusions,
Of change
Buying remedies
for problems we’ve made.

You are to blame
We’re all haunted
Shackled by this shame,
Yet we play
keep playing the game
chasing scores
levels of fame

Ignore the knowing
The echo in our hearts
Begging us to listen
We are worlds apart
Our values lost
Off the map
We’re arriving in the city of egos
slipping further from
Our true selves

Stop
I can’t
But isn’t that the easy answer?
I’m tired
I’m weak
But this is my fate.

Life is hard either way
You know this.
The question isn’t how to make it easier,
My friend.
The question is will you choose,
or will life chose for you?

I’ve been wrong, haven’t I?
A painful realisation
To admit to myself
That the path I chose
Wasn’t the one

I’ve been pushing the world away
Thinking it was the problem
I’ve been using a flashlight
When what I really needed
Was the darkness
To truly feel the pain
To sit it with
And slowly
Become peace with self

I have this imagine in my head
of how my life should be lived
where almost every action
every breath
every second
is filled with purpose
gratitude
and presence

But as I look back at
these piles of memories
as I read through my journals
I realise that time has passed
new memories have been made
and in many ways, I’ve grown
yet, I’m still stuck
stuck in this loop
of rebuilding and burning bridges

Just like that
time flew by
And somewhere along the way
I lost track
I’m terrified
so utterly afraid
that my future will meet the same fate

They say that until
a problem truly has been dealt with
it will return
with the same force
in different situations
but the same endings

Will I end up
creating another illusion of change?
Will this character of mine
always be flawed
haunted by what ifs,
Regrets?

Will I lose myself
once more
in this circle of repetition  

I tell myself
it’s time to let go,
It’s time to let go,
It’s time to let go.
Yet somehow, I never truly let go

Why is this time different?

They say ignorance is bliss
and for a moment
I almost regretted our kiss

They say to love and lose
Is better than never loving at all
But some days
I can’t help but disagree

I thought I’d grown used
to living without you
This emptiness once hollow
now filled with the weight of my own
presence
no longer craving your touch
Your voice
Your need

Yet still
These memories keep creeping in
slipping through the cracks I swore I
sealed
a shadow that never fades
haunting the quiet moments
whispering your name

All these **** poems
I’ve written about you
They drag me through time
Back to a place  
Where your love was mine

Oh poetry
my dear, sweet poetry
my only solace
will you speak to me?
Do you need me,
As I need you?
The words stick
clinging like glue,
and though they call me a poet
I am nothing without you
Oh poetry
My dear poetry,
Will you save me once more?