I'm fake
according to some people
but I'm not sure how
It wasn't my plan to be fake
I don't think I am a fake friend
would a fake friend let you date the boy she yearned for for four years
would a fake friend stay up all night to let you vent to her
would a fake friend give you her food even if she hadn't eaten all day
I don't think so
but go ahead and call me fake
if that's fake
I don't know what's real

I probably needed a hug
but instead my father got arrested
but instead I lost contact with one of my best friends
but instead I'm failing math class
but instead my parents don't think I'm mature enough for any social media
but instead my mental health is plummeting
I probably need a hug
but its obvious I'm not getting one any time soon

all I want is a stupid little romance story
perhaps an enemies to lovers
or a she fell first but he fell harder trope
I don't care which type it is
I wish I could live in a little 2000s romantic comedy
one where the guy gets the girl at the end of the movie
but I'm not
I'm not living in a romantic comedy
and I have not yet achieved a stupid little romance story
all the guys I've loved before
have left me heartbroken
all I want is a Noah to my Allie
a Jack to my Rose
a Romeo to my Juliet
that's all I want
is all I want too much to ask

there it is
that sinking feeling
our friendship is falling to pieces
because someone who isn't even your mother doesn't like me
please don't believe her
I swear I'm texting you back
why is this friendship falling to pieces
as Im falling to pieces as well
please believe me
don't let this friendship be left in 8th grade
why does it feel like its ending
dont let this friendship fall to pieces

I will break the cycle
The cycle of pain,fear, and hatred
Created by my ancestors
I will not be one to yell at my kids
Not one to have hatred held within the walls of my household
Not one to scream at my kid with every little mistake
I will break the cycle of physiological torture, mental illness, and malignancy
I will break the cycle
So my child does not have to lock her doors and hide away in fear
So my child does not cry herself to sleep
And so my child most of all,
Does not end up like me

yes I did it
I messaged him
I can tell
he's mad at me
I'm not upset that he hates me
I'm upset I ruined it
a friendship that could've lasted
I mourn our full conversations
and our inside jokes
I mourn the loss of what could have lasted longer than it did
I fear I look for him in every person I meet
hoping to find someone like him
but its useless
there will never be another
just like him

You took everything from me
and gave it to her
you took our conversations
and had the same ones with her
you took our inside jokes
and made her think she came up with them
but worst of all
you gave her my nickname
the one you used to call me all the time
the one that used to remind me of you when someone called me it
but now it just reminds me of your relationship with her
you gave her my nickname
and it felt like a string had snapped
the last piece of what held us together
its all gone
you gave it all to her

here I am
in a place that's not quite right
I don't fit in with the popular girls
or the emo girls
or the sporty ones either
I'm kind of just there
I'm sitting here floating in a sea of loneliness
yes I have friends
but it just doesn't feel right
they don't feel real
nothing is feeling real at the moment
nothing is quite right
my legs are numb
my vision blurry
where am i
I'm out of place
nothing is quite right
nothing feels quite right
I'm just trying to survive  
as the long days go on
why am I still here

blue eyes were always my favorite
until I fell in love with his brown eyes
the way they lit up when he laughed
and the way the glistened under flashing lights
that's when I knew
blue eyes were no longer my favorite

I will forever be the girl left behind
In every school
that's what I am
the girl stuck in the behind everyone
as they talk about weekend plans
the ones Im not invited to
I kind of just sit there
floating around
if I was really completely left behind
would they remember me?

I’m not pretty
I’ve never been pretty
And I doubt I’ll ever be
I compare myself to other girls
The ones with flat stomachs
And skinny waists
The waists I try to get
I starve myself
I only eat around people I care about
So they won’t worry
I compare myself to the girls with the pretty hair
The brunettes and the blondes
I yearn to be like them
I compare myself to the girls with the better face shapes
The ones I try to be with makeup
I compare myself to the girls with prettier faces
The ones with better skin
The ones with whiter teeth
The ones with fuller chests
Cause I know
I know
I’ll never be like them

I just wanna be heard.

My seconds wasted
Wasted sitting here for you
But you don't care
I'm just the less pretty best friend of hers
Right?
You never liked me
I'm just a side character
Waiting for someone
Hoping that someone
Just maybe someone
Would care
No one ever falls for the side character
The main character is better
And always will be
Im just a less pretty best friend
Im just a sidekick to the greatest hero
The best friend to a girl in a love triangle
A peasant compared to a princess
Im a side character
And i always will be

it feels like I'm stuck in between the doors of an elevator
I don't want to eat
I have anger issues
i'll never be someones first option
I'm not good enough
my grades are lousy
I'm falling behind
everyone's enjoying parties
while I'm stuck at home
with my favorite TV show
watching the same movie for the thousandth time
but i'm fine
I feel this pressure on my heart
like a barrier is collapsing
I'm the one walking behind the group
I'm the one who sits on the sidelines
while everyone else enjoys their youth
I'm lazy
I'm dumb
I'm crazy
I'm numb
I'm mentally unstable
these little fantasies in my head
keep me from falling a part
but I'm fine
I listen to music to calm down
I'm not a popular person
but not a quiet one either
am I too annoying for you
maybe I should lower my voice
I wish i were smart like the others
I wish I were pretty too
I wish I had gorgeous blonde hair
and pretty blue eyes too
but I'm fine
what if I never find love
what if I don't experience teenage romance
what if I go missing
what if I never get that kiss
what if I'm not normal
like the other kids
but I'm fine
I'm always fine
I'm just fighting a couple tears
I'm fine

“Are you okay?” they ask me
“Im fine” i say
But the truth is im not fine
I've never been fine
The scars may leave
But the reasons behind them will continue to linger
Depression may stay
But distractions are always near
The world eventually stops
all feeling disappear
I hide in my room and sit
I sit there and cry
Each tear with a reason behind it
The world stops when i have no distractions
“Do you wanna hang out?”
My biggest cry for help
Maybe i deserve these scars
This pain
This hurt
Maybe i deserve the reasons behind it
Sometimes i need time to think
Maybe i am a bad person
I really think i am
I deserve every cut
Every mean word said to me
I need to be humbled
I live in fear everyday of what i might do to myself
Would i do it
No
Do i think about it every day
Yes
My world spins as i think about every bad thing i did
I deserve every scar
Every cut
I deserve to sit in my room
And cry
All this pain and all this hurt
I bring it upon myself
Im running out of distractions
Im running out of hope

My heart once so imaginative and pure
now broken and dull
my eyes once filled with childish wonders and hope
now filled with lifelessness and pain
my mind once so playful
now wonders when everything will finally be over
the girl I once was wont be returning anytime soon
the girl I once was has probably been dead a while now
I'm pretty sure I left her in 3rd grade
all I know is
shes not coming back

I was over it
over you
then there it was
a notification from you
a text message
I overthink about what that random subtle "hello" meant
why were you texting me?
why would you feel the need to text me?
I sit there staring at the conversation that could've been
should I text you again?
should I ask you to hang out?
this is when I realized
I'm not over you
Ive never been over you
and I wont ever be over you
I feel the need to text you back
perhaps I'll get a full sentence response this time
months since I have seen your notification
and there it was
on my screen
a thousand feelings all at once
its crazy what one message could do to a person
its crazy how much I could miss ones presence
why would you text me?
now of all times

It wasn’t supposed to end like this
It wasn’t supposed to end with tear stains on my satin pillowcase
It wasn't supposed to end with mascara smeared on my face
You were supposed to be my savior
Now your just a stranger
It wasn’t supposed to hurt that bad
I wasn’t supposed to be that sad
This one hurt like a stab in the heart
Even though it was just another throw in the dark
I really thought you needed me
But now your living without a care
I think about you as much as I think about the people in my everyday life
A huge part of my world is missing
Your stupid laugh
Your jokes that never made sense
And those dumb stories you used to tell me
But that's over
I'll never experience those things from you again
I dedicated one of my favorite songs to you
So now its hard to listen to
I hate what you did to me
But ill never hate you
Which i hate myself for
It wasn’t supposed to end with me crying in the bathroom
Hiding from my friends
I had to pretend though
I had to imagine being over you
I had to hurt so you could be happy
I still care
I really do
It wasn't supposed to end like this though
In my head
It wasn't supposed to end at all

The girl I lost wasn't a friend of mine
she wasn't another person
she was me
the girl I lost I now realize was left behind in 6th grade
the girl I lost was not like me
she still had her best friend around
she still was happy
she hadn't even thought about pressing a blade to her skin willingly
she didn't know this is what she'd become
how would she know shed be wearing dark eyeliner
and writing poems
how would she know she cried every night
that she bled every night
but I lost her
so she'll never know
and I know
I'll never find her

Would you rather
Mom or dad
Dad or mom
Its one of the hardest choices
****** upon a young child
I feel as the years go by
Im ripped a part
In between the houses
Im the reason between every argument
I feel my body begin to collapse
I am punished for telling my own mother things
I am punished for telling my own father things
I dont want two christmas’
Nor do i want two birthdays
I want a real family
A normal family
One without “are you going to your dads this weekend?”
Or “did you leave it at your mom’s house?”
One without the arguments and the hate and the fights
Ill never have a normal family though
Ive never experienced a normal family
And never will
Im stuck
Stuck in an endless game of would you rather
Except I don't know how to pick

I relapsed last night
Which is weird
Cause I promised myself I wouldn’t
I couldn’t
But there it was
The blood on my finger
Flowing like a waterfall
There it is
A constant reminder
A reminder of how I don’t want to be on this earth
A reminder of how I wasn’t tough enough to talk about it
A reminder of how sick I was
A reminder of how sick I am
Not physically
But mentally
I miss the happy person I used to be
But was I really ever happy
Or did I just use distractions
I relapsed
Again

Here is my heart
it is half shattered because of others
I tried to stitch up the glass
but a needle and thread doesn't work with glass
a glass heart cant be fixed with a needle and thread
it can be fixed with tape
but it'll never truly go back to normal
it'll truly never heal
I would try to use other glass
but I'd have to take glass from another heart
so I don't choose to break another ones heart
a glass heart cant be truly ever fixed
neither can a normal one though
my heart feels as if its a glass heart
one that has already been half shattered

don't break the pattern
the pattern I've been following for over 36 days
don't pick up the blade
don't do it
its getting tougher and tougher everyday
make it to 15 without purposely bleeding
come on
don't break the pattern

As the eldest daughter
Here I am
Stuck raising the children whom I didn’t birth
I’m stuck getting yelled at
Always burdened with high expectations
But I’m also not believed in
“You’ll never afford a car.”
“Not until you get all a’s”
I watch as my siblings get away with something
Something I would been slapped for as a child
“Eldest daughters are so lucky”
Well I don’t feel lucky at all

A ghost of him was left behind
But he’s not really there
There he goes again
Leaving me with an empty conversation
“How was your day?”
No response
This is feeling more and more degrading
He left me there alone again
To find another
But what if I don’t want another
I wanted him
No one else
But now here I am
Stuck with the ghost of him

no contact with my father
my own father
why must I suffer
even though hes behind bars at the moment
he has no contact with me
I have no contact with him
how long will it be like this
I don't know
will I be a girl who's dad cant text her happy birthday in two weeks
will it be two weeks?
will it be more than two weeks?
turning 15 without a happy birthday from my own father
I hope not
how must a girl like me not be able to speak to my own father

all I want is to get better
but as I sit here I ask myself
will I ever get better?
36 days clean
will I ruin my progress?
I don't feel better anymore
was I ever better?
or did I just have distractions?
the blades are calling me again
but i don't think i'll answer
will I?
everything is getting worse
worse.
not better
I wont get better anytime soon
I don't think so at least
day 8 of crying
crying myself to sleep
I feel as if I'm running out of tears
I'm not getting better
even though that's all I want

There I was again
loving a boy
loving a boy who wasn't mine to love
why
why does it always happen that way
it always ends with heartbreak
always
how do I find an alternate ending
cause I'm starting to loose hope
what if there isn't another ending
what If this is the way things are meant to be
I'm stuck in an everlasting loop
I wish I didn't always hate the finished product
here I am again
hoping
that maybe
just maybe
things could be different
here I am again
waiting
just waiting
for that alternate ending

there's been one girl who stuck by me this whole time
she gave me a hug when I needed one
helped me with school
helped me with my mental health
shes the only girl I'm comfortable venting to
I love her and I hope I don't lose her with the others
let me hold onto her
I'm so grateful to have someone like her in my life
so grateful for her presence
I've laughed with her
cried with her
sang with her
ive stayed up laughing with her till 3am
I've gone on tons of side quests with her
gone through middle school with her
and I hope to go through so much more with her

don't tell them
don't tell them
don't tell them how much your struggling
how much you need to cry
how much you wanted to tell them
just shut up
don't make it about yourself
don't be selfish
don't ruin someone elses day
just shut up

they tell me my body is tea
but are we looking at the same person?
I don't have a small enough waist
or a flat stomach
or better thighs
I can always weigh lighter
look thinner
look better
I'll always skip that meal
then overeat
god why cant I eat like normal
I weigh to much
I hate when people pick me up
in fear that they'll think I'm too heavy
my waist needs to be smaller
and my stomach is not flat enough
Ill decide not to eat for the next couple days
I wish I could eat and still look okay
I'm not skinny enough
I could always be better