I will break the cycle
The cycle of pain,fear, and hatred
Created by my ancestors
I will not be one to yell at my kids
Not one to have hatred held within the walls of my household
Not one to scream at my kid with every little mistake
I will break the cycle of physiological torture, mental illness, and malignancy
I will break the cycle
So my child does not have to lock her doors and hide away in fear
So my child does not cry herself to sleep
And so my child most of all,
Does not end up like me

it feels like I'm stuck in between the doors of an elevator
I don't want to eat
I have anger issues
i'll never be someones first option
I'm not good enough
my grades are lousy
I'm falling behind
everyone's enjoying parties
while I'm stuck at home
with my favorite TV show
watching the same movie for the thousandth time
but i'm fine
I feel this pressure on my heart
like a barrier is collapsing
I'm the one walking behind the group
I'm the one who sits on the sidelines
while everyone else enjoys their youth
I'm lazy
I'm dumb
I'm crazy
I'm numb
I'm mentally unstable
these little fantasies in my head
keep me from falling a part
but I'm fine
I listen to music to calm down
I'm not a popular person
but not a quiet one either
am I too annoying for you
maybe I should lower my voice
I wish i were smart like the others
I wish I were pretty too
I wish I had gorgeous blonde hair
and pretty blue eyes too
but I'm fine
what if I never find love
what if I don't experience teenage romance
what if I go missing
what if I never get that kiss
what if I'm not normal
like the other kids
but I'm fine
I'm always fine
I'm just fighting a couple tears
I'm fine

My seconds wasted
Wasted sitting here for you
But you don't care
I'm just the less pretty best friend of hers
Right?
You never liked me
I'm just a side character
Waiting for someone
Hoping that someone
Just maybe someone
Would care
No one ever falls for the side character
The main character is better
And always will be
Im just a less pretty best friend
Im just a sidekick to the greatest hero
The best friend to a girl in a love triangle
A peasant compared to a princess
Im a side character
And i always will be

Would you rather
Mom or dad
Dad or mom
Its one of the hardest choices
****** upon a young child
I feel as the years go by
Im ripped a part
In between the houses
Im the reason between every argument
I feel my body begin to collapse
I am punished for telling my own mother things
I am punished for telling my own father things
I dont want two christmas’
Nor do i want two birthdays
I want a real family
A normal family
One without “are you going to your dads this weekend?”
Or “did you leave it at your mom’s house?”
One without the arguments and the hate and the fights
Ill never have a normal family though
Ive never experienced a normal family
And never will
Im stuck
Stuck in an endless game of would you rather
Except I don't know how to pick

“Are you okay?” they ask me
“Im fine” i say
But the truth is im not fine
I've never been fine
The scars may leave
But the reasons behind them will continue to linger
Depression may stay
But distractions are always near
The world eventually stops
all feeling disappear
I hide in my room and sit
I sit there and cry
Each tear with a reason behind it
The world stops when i have no distractions
“Do you wanna hang out?”
My biggest cry for help
Maybe i deserve these scars
This pain
This hurt
Maybe i deserve the reasons behind it
Sometimes i need time to think
Maybe i am a bad person
I really think i am
I deserve every cut
Every mean word said to me
I need to be humbled
I live in fear everyday of what i might do to myself
Would i do it
No
Do i think about it every day
Yes
My world spins as i think about every bad thing i did
I deserve every scar
Every cut
I deserve to sit in my room
And cry
All this pain and all this hurt
I bring it upon myself
Im running out of distractions
Im running out of hope

It wasn’t supposed to end like this
It wasn’t supposed to end with tear stains on my satin pillowcase
It wasn't supposed to end with mascara smeared on my face
You were supposed to be my savior
Now your just a stranger
It wasn’t supposed to hurt that bad
I wasn’t supposed to be that sad
This one hurt like a stab in the heart
Even though it was just another throw in the dark
I really thought you needed me
But now your living without a care
I think about you as much as I think about the people in my everyday life
A huge part of my world is missing
Your stupid laugh
Your jokes that never made sense
And those dumb stories you used to tell me
But that's over
I'll never experience those things from you again
I dedicated one of my favorite songs to you
So now its hard to listen to
I hate what you did to me
But ill never hate you
Which i hate myself for
It wasn’t supposed to end with me crying in the bathroom
Hiding from my friends
I had to pretend though
I had to imagine being over you
I had to hurt so you could be happy
I still care
I really do
It wasn't supposed to end like this though
In my head
It wasn't supposed to end at all