yes I did it
I messaged him
I can tell
he's mad at me
I'm not upset that he hates me
I'm upset I ruined it
a friendship that could've lasted
I mourn our full conversations
and our inside jokes
I mourn the loss of what could have lasted longer than it did
I fear I look for him in every person I meet
hoping to find someone like him
but its useless
there will never be another
just like him

I was over it
over you
then there it was
a notification from you
a text message
I overthink about what that random subtle "hello" meant
why were you texting me?
why would you feel the need to text me?
I sit there staring at the conversation that could've been
should I text you again?
should I ask you to hang out?
this is when I realized
I'm not over you
Ive never been over you
and I wont ever be over you
I feel the need to text you back
perhaps I'll get a full sentence response this time
months since I have seen your notification
and there it was
on my screen
a thousand feelings all at once
its crazy what one message could do to a person
its crazy how much I could miss ones presence
why would you text me?
now of all times

I’m not pretty
I’ve never been pretty
And I doubt I’ll ever be
I compare myself to other girls
The ones with flat stomachs
And skinny waists
The waists I try to get
I starve myself
I only eat around people I care about
So they won’t worry
I compare myself to the girls with the pretty hair
The brunettes and the blondes
I yearn to be like them
I compare myself to the girls with the better face shapes
The ones I try to be with makeup
I compare myself to the girls with prettier faces
The ones with better skin
The ones with whiter teeth
The ones with fuller chests
Cause I know
I know
I’ll never be like them

I relapsed last night
Which is weird
Cause I promised myself I wouldn’t
I couldn’t
But there it was
The blood on my finger
Flowing like a waterfall
There it is
A constant reminder
A reminder of how I don’t want to be on this earth
A reminder of how I wasn’t tough enough to talk about it
A reminder of how sick I was
A reminder of how sick I am
Not physically
But mentally
I miss the happy person I used to be
But was I really ever happy
Or did I just use distractions
I relapsed
Again

I will break the cycle
The cycle of pain,fear, and hatred
Created by my ancestors
I will not be one to yell at my kids
Not one to have hatred held within the walls of my household
Not one to scream at my kid with every little mistake
I will break the cycle of physiological torture, mental illness, and malignancy
I will break the cycle
So my child does not have to lock her doors and hide away in fear
So my child does not cry herself to sleep
And so my child most of all,
Does not end up like me

it feels like I'm stuck in between the doors of an elevator
I don't want to eat
I have anger issues
i'll never be someones first option
I'm not good enough
my grades are lousy
I'm falling behind
everyone's enjoying parties
while I'm stuck at home
with my favorite TV show
watching the same movie for the thousandth time
but i'm fine
I feel this pressure on my heart
like a barrier is collapsing
I'm the one walking behind the group
I'm the one who sits on the sidelines
while everyone else enjoys their youth
I'm lazy
I'm dumb
I'm crazy
I'm numb
I'm mentally unstable
these little fantasies in my head
keep me from falling a part
but I'm fine
I listen to music to calm down
I'm not a popular person
but not a quiet one either
am I too annoying for you
maybe I should lower my voice
I wish i were smart like the others
I wish I were pretty too
I wish I had gorgeous blonde hair
and pretty blue eyes too
but I'm fine
what if I never find love
what if I don't experience teenage romance
what if I go missing
what if I never get that kiss
what if I'm not normal
like the other kids
but I'm fine
I'm always fine
I'm just fighting a couple tears
I'm fine

My seconds wasted
Wasted sitting here for you
But you don't care
I'm just the less pretty best friend of hers
Right?
You never liked me
I'm just a side character
Waiting for someone
Hoping that someone
Just maybe someone
Would care
No one ever falls for the side character
The main character is better
And always will be
Im just a less pretty best friend
Im just a sidekick to the greatest hero
The best friend to a girl in a love triangle
A peasant compared to a princess
Im a side character
And i always will be