I’ve contemplated it.
Whether or not my life is worth living.
I’ve thought about all the ways I’d be better.
The ways everyone else would be better.
But then I think of the people I love
And how much they might miss me?
Who knows if they would miss me or not.
Maybe I’m just another grain of sand in the great big beach of life.
Just another pebble to be stepped on,
In someone else’s pathway.

I’ve contemplated it.
How I would go through with it.
I thought about all the different ways.
Maybe make it look like an accident?
I don’t want anyone to be to blame.
Except for me that is.

I’ve contemplated it.
When I would do it.
Where I would do it.
But in the end,
I’d never go through with it.
I love him too much.
I love her too much.
I love them too much.
And maybe they don’t love me,
But that hasn’t stopped me
From loving them.

In the end,
I can’t do it.
I’ve finally realized
I’m not alone.
And neither are you.

I’m angry.
I’m angry because pouring a glass of wine
is more important than asking me about my day.
I’m angry because when I tell you a secret
everyone knows in a matter of seconds
and you didn’t even say a word.
The wine did.
I’m angry because when I ask my father for help
all he says is
“this is how it is”.
I’m angry that I’m not stronger than your bottle opener.
I’m angry that when I cry for help
You can’t hear because you’re drowning
In wine.
I’m angry because you’re angry that i lie.
I lie because I’m angry.
I’m just angry, that’s all.

Poison has many forms.
A ***** of the finger
Means death will linger.
Poisoned gun
Means no one is done.
Stab of a knife
You don’t get to think twice.
Tasteless wine
Last breath takes time.
Breathe filled with daggers
You’re lungs begin to stagger.
Words spoken twice
Means death won’t be nice.
Closed mind
Takes the longest time.

An eye for an eye
They both go blind.
Bullet right through the chest
Promise it won’t make a mess.
Stab in the back this time
All along I knew your lies.
Time takes hostage too
No escape without clues.
I know
Nobody knew.

Writing things down means someone can read them.
Someone can read my mind.
But with that comes a fine.
A fine you won’t wish to pay
Because that fine
Is knowing my mind
And the thoughts that disperse in it.
That fine is listening to my thoughts
And thinking you ought
To say something
Because otherwise
You don’t know where I’ll end up.

Writing my feelings on paper
Instead of letting them dissipate like vapor
I didn’t know I’d end up here
But I didn’t know I’d end up in fear
I didn’t know I would end up in pain either.
I’m writing my feelings down on paper
So that I can ask it a favor.
Don’t let anyone know I ended up here.
Don’t tell anyone I ended up in fear.
Don’t tell anyone I ended up in pain either.

I hate caring about people.
Because then you have to worry about their feelings
And then you have to worry about your feelings.
And then you have to worry about how their feelings effect your feelings.
And then you have to worry about how other people’s feelings effect their feelings and how that effects your feelings.
And then you get to feel that.
You know you love someone when you can feel them.
I love this feeling
But I hate this feeling.
It causes happiness
But it causes stress.
It causes a mess.
A mess of emotions.
One I’m not equipped to handle.
It’s not of those things where I can just
breathe
and light a candle.
I’ve had a lot of messes in my life
Mostly because I’m a mess
But I’ve dealt with all of them.
But this one I just don’t know.
People say “oh you’re fine.
You’re gonna live.”
I know in the end I’ll live.
But that’s the scary part.