i think about that sunday
the buildup it was slow
i thought i knew myself
but there is nothing that i know

on my carpet i fell into a heap
numb on the floor
the numbness turned to overwhelm
and i went flying out the door

i walked to the beach
i wonder
who saw me and did not know
death was calling me like thunder
its fruit i wished to sow

on the beach i walked crying
snow above the sand
the waves they ran and crashed and thrashed
grabbing for the land

i sat there for an hour or two
thought of the only solution
listened to the water and music
my mind it had pollution

advil -
you could take it at home
swallow it by the dozen
imagine the feeling of ending it all
end of thoughts buzzing

the advil thought left a minute later
after enjoying a stay in my mind
later when i tell her this part
her face turns concerned and lined

i sprinted and sprinted on the sand like a druggie
til my lungs cried for air
the weather in my head had gotten too muggy
no patience left to spare

the dark and black energy of too many problems
running exerted them all
it was an impulsive notion
body charged and full of gall

i frantically called
the one i knew dear her voice a steadying force
my thoughts were still swarming
eyes wet
voice hoarse

i ran back home
calmly walked back in
a joke about suicidal drowning was made
i could not stand my mother then
did she think this was just a game played?

the days that followed reeked
of the beach and snow and sand
how the tide had always calmed me
but that Sunday it was bland

i told her what i did
about the advil and the urge
and in that moment i dangled
the psych ward on the verge

i did not get sent away
but in ways i can never return
to the time i was unaware of my darkness
a time for which i yearn

i know i’ve made you cry
and that i’ve made you bleed
my experience so big
monsters i tend to feed
sorrys were so frequent
their meaning we both faded
emotions getting blurred
insecurities were aided
your attention like a drug
i used to fill the pit
i did not ask you permission,
anxious to take a hit
i thought i was curing the void
dumping texts and calls right in
comfortable in my obsessive ways,
too possessive of my grin.
“I can’t be with you right now”
i could not comprehend
something good is good, no?
why would you want it to end?
the hurt i blamed on you
outsourced it for rejection
but in reality
of my pain it was a projection
the withdrawal it did hurt bad
the symptoms numbed my will
tried anger and blame to cope
just couldn't swallow the pill
myself in your shoes
i did not try to picture
too much in my head
following my own scripture
i was oblivious to the effects
i figured it was just ‘life’
the very past i looked at fondly
was what helped you hold the knife
i feel sorry for us both
brains we cannot cleanse
but i hope when you remember me and us
it’s through a kinder lens

Can you grade a mother’s cries
take points off for the look in her eyes

Can you fail the trees for its bark
give the warmth of the sun a mark

Can you score a bird on its tune
and evaluate the sky on the moon

Can you give a number to the kindness of a child
or rate their eyes as they smiled

Can you test on running through the grass
get your heart to pass

In front of tests and quizzes we have knelt
our souls screaming to be felt

when the sun goes down
behind the trees
and locks her shutters tight

the moon comes out
with silver keys
to open up the night

i never used to notice the months going by
the days would slide beneath me
seconds simply passed

but the pain started to become noticeable
it could not be measured
slowly and then quickly
it became an intangible mess
something so elusive i debated its existence
but it was certainly there

i could not measure it

and so now i count

i count the months since
the days until
the seconds that wait

and then the pain can be measured
and perhaps i can start to heal

that horrible empty feeling
where you search with a dead flashlight
stumbling in the dark
trying to fill a void
you do not realize exists
with hair dye and anxious texts
with checking and fantasizing
piling on more emptiness
until it consumes you

then one day
you smell the grass
open your eyes
and the darkness is overcome
with an obscene amount of sun
and birds that sing songs of security
and you no longer need to search
and rush
and check, check, check
instead you rest
and start to even
dare to live

to remember my body is mine
I wiggle my toes

to remember my brain is mine
I act on impulse

to remember my heart is mine
I choose to love