“You do this to yourself”
“Just stop thinking about it”
“It’s all in your head”
I wish I did
I wish I could
I wish it was
I come to you not because I want to
But because I have to.
I come to you after hours of sitting and thinking,
Thinking and sitting,
Wondering and worrying if what I am about to tell you
Will alter your view on me.
No, not what I’m about to tell you,
What I am about to trust you with.
I feel naked as I stand before you with
Words on my tongue, laying my mind piece by piece between us.
Piece by piece, word by word, thought by thought.
I trust you enough to recall my darkest days and my brightest moments.
I give you a piece of me and all I ask is that you accept it.
I don’t want you to nurse me back to health
I just want you to understand.
“You made all of this up”
“What’re you going to do? **** yourself?”
“This is just you looking for attention”
I wish I did
I wish I could
I wish I was
You look at me with pity in your eyes.
Not because I’m hurting, oh no,
Because I am a fool
How could I, the happy, smiley, outgoing child
Be unable to look at my own reflection and say
“I am proud to be me”
You mock me.
You mock my words.
I feel tears ***** my eyes but I am too ashamed to let you
See me break down under you.
I am ashamed.
I scramble to pick up the pieces of shattered glass that lay between us
But my shaky hands and glassy eyes betray me.
I retreat and begin to wonder how I could be such an idiot.
With a racing heart and shallow breath I reflect.
“You always have someone to talk to”
“You can always talk to me”
“It’s all going to be okay”
I wish I did
I wish I could
I wish it was.
***