toots-mccrudiggen-reborn

I find myself at the laundromat Working out my thighs and lats I put 2 quarters in the slot It makes a sound like a robot I open the door and I am posed With a question asking, where are my clothes? I don't wanna look stupid so I improvise So I start chatting it up with a couple of guys I say Laundry for hire, laundry for hire I'm looking for just the right buyer Come on in, into my dryer Laundry for hire, laundry for hire One fine chap quickly agrees Though I see him shaking at the knees I ask him kindly to take out his keys Don't worry kiddo this will be easy He squeezes in, packed so tightly I close the door feeling high and mighty The machine rolls round and round The door opens, and he falls to the ground I feast on his entrails, meaty and sweet Taking in the smell of his feet I end my meal and am satisfied Though I do wish he was deep fried I feel a hunger still raging on I still wish for it to be gone So I say, Laundry for hire, Laundry for hire I'm looking for just the right buyer Come on in into my dryer Laundry for hire laundry for hire

0

Jan 30, 2015

Jan 30, 2015 at 2:27 PM UTC

TootsMcCrudiggen

Laundry for hire

I find myself at the laundromat Working out my thighs and lats I put 2 quarters in the slot It makes a sound like a robot I open the door and I am posed With a question asking, where are my clothes? I don't wanna look stupid so I improvise So I start chatting it up with a couple of guys I say Laundry for hire, laundry for hire I'm looking for just the right buyer Come on in, into my dryer Laundry for hire, laundry for hire One fine chap quickly agrees Though I see him shaking at the knees I ask him kindly to take out his keys Don't worry kiddo this will be easy He squeezes in, packed so tightly I close the door feeling high and mighty The machine rolls round and round The door opens, and he falls to the ground I feast on his entrails, meaty and sweet Taking in the smell of his feet I end my meal and am satisfied Though I do wish he was deep fried I feel a hunger still raging on I still wish for it to be gone So I say, Laundry for hire, Laundry for hire I'm looking for just the right buyer Come on in into my dryer Laundry for hire laundry for hire

32

Po-ems these days Often leave me in a haze They try to deter my gaze As I hope it's just a phase Skill level means nothing If you always end up flunking On yesterday and today's age old trend If one still lacks the goods Why not fax in some hoods To add to an otherwise cold winter So lounging one day I decided to sift through the hay So please refrain from the hinder But scrolling away I find a knot in said hay And I thought it was about time to sic her Po-ems these days are dumb I'd rather **** my OWN thumb They're as utilitarian as my *** Which is something I often forget to wipe

0

Jan 29, 2015

Jan 29, 2015 at 10:34 PM UTC

toots-mccrudiggen-reborn

An Endless Lyrical Flow Graces the Consumer's Ear as They Toil Away at the Clockwork

Po-ems these days Often leave me in a haze They try to deter my gaze As I hope it's just a phase Skill level means nothing If you always end up flunking On yesterday and today's age old trend If one still lacks the goods Why not fax in some hoods To add to an otherwise cold winter So lounging one day I decided to sift through the hay So please refrain from the hinder But scrolling away I find a knot in said hay And I thought it was about time to sic her Po-ems these days are dumb I'd rather **** my OWN thumb They're as utilitarian as my *** Which is something I often forget to wipe

20

Walking down the city streets Wearing a fresh new pair of pleats See a dame with a dog in a purse I know that soon I'll be in a hearse Dog springs out and clutches my face Looks like a bat flyin into a vase Whips out the claws and scratches me up I fall to the ground an throw off the pup Late that nite I wake up in a fuss Break down the door an leave in a rush Jump in the car and punch the throttle With my hand wrapped up around the bottle Hauling down the streets, **** the cops Try to stop me an I'll pop your top Drive right up to the tallest hill I'm feelin ill, needa pop a pill Take a look up at the moon And then I yell Ahhhh oooooo! Ahhhh oooooo! Drop on all fours and sprout some fur Cravin some mo so I let out a grrr Ears pop out That's what I'm talking about! Sprint down the hill And I'm ready ta **** Pounce on some civilians Cuttin em down by the millions Chomp at the fools bleed em out at the throat Bodies falling by the river, watch em all float Spot the cops drivin a by They don't know they're soon all gonna die! More keep on comin So I keep on runnin Nowhere to go so I take a last stand Load up on guns just like an Afghan I whip out the gat Make it go ratta tat tat Pinned against the wall I take it to overhaul All out of bullets, **** my gun The old fashioned way is a lot more fun But I don't last long, shots puncture my skull Flies out the back of my head leavin a hole Fall to the ground in a ****** mess But I got one last thing to profess Werewolves in Compton! Ahhhh oooooo! Ahhhh oooooo! Next up is hell! I'm comin fo you!

0

Jan 15, 2015

Jan 15, 2015 at 8:48 PM UTC

toots-mccrudiggen-reborn

Werewolves in Compton

Walking down the city streets Wearing a fresh new pair of pleats See a dame with a dog in a purse I know that soon I'll be in a hearse Dog springs out and clutches my face Looks like a bat flyin into a vase Whips out the claws and scratches me up I fall to the ground an throw off the pup Late that nite I wake up in a fuss Break down the door an leave in a rush Jump in the car and punch the throttle With my hand wrapped up around the bottle Hauling down the streets, **** the cops Try to stop me an I'll pop your top Drive right up to the tallest hill I'm feelin ill, needa pop a pill Take a look up at the moon And then I yell Ahhhh oooooo! Ahhhh oooooo! Drop on all fours and sprout some fur Cravin some mo so I let out a grrr Ears pop out That's what I'm talking about! Sprint down the hill And I'm ready ta **** Pounce on some civilians Cuttin em down by the millions Chomp at the fools bleed em out at the throat Bodies falling by the river, watch em all float Spot the cops drivin a by They don't know they're soon all gonna die! More keep on comin So I keep on runnin Nowhere to go so I take a last stand Load up on guns just like an Afghan I whip out the gat Make it go ratta tat tat Pinned against the wall I take it to overhaul All out of bullets, **** my gun The old fashioned way is a lot more fun But I don't last long, shots puncture my skull Flies out the back of my head leavin a hole Fall to the ground in a ****** mess But I got one last thing to profess Werewolves in Compton! Ahhhh oooooo! Ahhhh oooooo! Next up is hell! I'm comin fo you!

51

Dd

0

Jan 12, 2015

Jan 12, 2015 at 6:52 PM UTC

toots-mccrudiggen-reborn

Dd

1

** ** ** Hoes be everywhere yo I soar above a city so naughty Inside of my flying Bugatti I land atop the cityscape In fear of my **** getting ***** I slip my keister down the chimney With a present prepared for lil' Timmy As I reach the bottom my muscles freeze And I realize there is no milk and cookiez Bullets fly and my suit stains red The cartel had found me and now I'm dead

0

toots-mccrudiggen-reborn

Jan 12, 2015

Jan 12, 2015 at 6:38 PM UTC

TootsMcCrudiggen

Santa's Delivery to the Ghetto

** ** ** Hoes be everywhere yo I soar above a city so naughty Inside of my flying Bugatti I land atop the cityscape In fear of my **** getting ***** I slip my keister down the chimney With a present prepared for lil' Timmy As I reach the bottom my muscles freeze And I realize there is no milk and cookiez Bullets fly and my suit stains red The cartel had found me and now I'm dead

12

Life on the city streets wasn't easy I lived off top ramen along with the spray cheesey Panhandlin' all day long just to get on by It was enough to make a grown pigeon cry That's right I'm a pigeon, I'm a bird of flight But I'm a **** *** bird, win evry fight Don't you talk back or I'll skin you, fly you like a kite hide up yo kids cause I be coming for em tonight Bye the way I'm batman. A dark ************ knight! So stay inside cause I be breakin in An innocent pigeon, you'll never see me comin Stealing all yo stuff an scoopin up yo kids I'll auction em off, take the highest bid So don't call me a **** cause I put a roof over their head I pay them to work, by that I mean givin head Later that night we'll all go to bed Life be good when they **** my **** red That's right I'm Chester the pigeon You won't catch me in the kitchen This poem be over so quit yo *******

0

toots-mccrudiggen-reborn

Jan 12, 2015

Jan 12, 2015 at 6:38 PM UTC

TootsMcCrudiggen

A Day in the Life of Chester

Life on the city streets wasn't easy I lived off top ramen along with the spray cheesey Panhandlin' all day long just to get on by It was enough to make a grown pigeon cry That's right I'm a pigeon, I'm a bird of flight But I'm a **** *** bird, win evry fight Don't you talk back or I'll skin you, fly you like a kite hide up yo kids cause I be coming for em tonight Bye the way I'm batman. A dark ************ knight! So stay inside cause I be breakin in An innocent pigeon, you'll never see me comin Stealing all yo stuff an scoopin up yo kids I'll auction em off, take the highest bid So don't call me a **** cause I put a roof over their head I pay them to work, by that I mean givin head Later that night we'll all go to bed Life be good when they **** my **** red That's right I'm Chester the pigeon You won't catch me in the kitchen This poem be over so quit yo *******

21

I was doing a little jig down the sidewalk When all of a sudden This red, bulbous, obstruction pounced into my field of view I said, "Whoa, hotshot, cool down" He/she/it did not reply "I'm talking to you kiddo Can you please communicate with me?" It just sat there staring at me. Why? You see, hydrants can be little stinkers sometimes They'll talk your earlobe off one time Other times they act like a sack of taters They're just little drama queens "Meow meow" said the hydrant I take a look over yonder, than ask the **** target, "Are you talking to me sir?" "Meow," it said "I'm not sure I like your tone" "You must be some sort of mind type hacker dealio Cracking into my cerebellum, what are you doing in there? Seriously man! Come on! You must be going through emotional trauma. PTSD I don't know." "Calm down buco, let's talk about this Over a bucket of churned goat milk, I love that stuff. How's Shirley? I hear she took up crocheting I respect that" "Grr, graa, paa? Me oh my, this reminds me of pick up sticks all over again Hey look at this man, If you walk without rhythm, than you won't attract the worm."

0

toots-mccrudiggen-reborn

Jan 12, 2015

Jan 12, 2015 at 6:37 PM UTC

TootsMcCrudiggen

Run in with a Fire Hydrant

I was doing a little jig down the sidewalk When all of a sudden This red, bulbous, obstruction pounced into my field of view I said, "Whoa, hotshot, cool down" He/she/it did not reply "I'm talking to you kiddo Can you please communicate with me?" It just sat there staring at me. Why? You see, hydrants can be little stinkers sometimes They'll talk your earlobe off one time Other times they act like a sack of taters They're just little drama queens "Meow meow" said the hydrant I take a look over yonder, than ask the **** target, "Are you talking to me sir?" "Meow," it said "I'm not sure I like your tone" "You must be some sort of mind type hacker dealio Cracking into my cerebellum, what are you doing in there? Seriously man! Come on! You must be going through emotional trauma. PTSD I don't know." "Calm down buco, let's talk about this Over a bucket of churned goat milk, I love that stuff. How's Shirley? I hear she took up crocheting I respect that" "Grr, graa, paa? Me oh my, this reminds me of pick up sticks all over again Hey look at this man, If you walk without rhythm, than you won't attract the worm."

28