stephanie-carlson
American
I'm the kind of girl your mother warned you about, yet you found too intriguing to forget. My memories haunt me and the people in my life like to piss me off. Occasionally people or situations make me really happy, or serene. So I write poetry. I don't claim it's good poetry, but I don't claim its horrible poetry either. I only claim it as my poetry. Read it for yourself to form and gather opinions.
There's a beauty behind wearing your heart on your sleeve
Where everyone can see your ever scar and wonder what led you here
Where the darkness collides with the clouds of dreamers
In a world where the mirrors are what portray the meaning behind
Every coldly uttered word, or softly whispered love song
Mirrors that turn words into pictures that recreate the memories
We all try so hard to hide behind, that haunt us in the darkest of times
Cigarette smoke burns our lungs and our eyes as we smoke away our
Memories flying away on the wings of our dreams from these times
When our hearts are so broken we forget that we can breathe
Without the feel of the nicotine or the sting of the liquor that we
Inhale to drown out the thoughts of them, the people we can't quite forget
The ones who we feel laying beside us in our nightmares, and the ones
We write poetry about in our day dreams during the daylight
When we can't hide behind the darkness of the sky
We all want to live a life we will never forget but we all tend to get
Caught up in the moments of falling in love and trying to forget all the ones
Who forget to remember us, even as the years go on their faces
Will haunt us as the ones who got away, because they all do
As much as we'd give for everyone to stay, our hearts and our souls
Battered and bruised from the abuse cause them all to turn and run
Footsteps falling down the silent hall way farther away as the sun comes up
Because in the light, the beauty of wearing your heart on your sleeve
Turns into the curse of always just wanting to go back to sleep
Jun 18, 2012
Jun 18, 2012 at 1:16 AM UTC
I’ve been thinking about you lately
Walking from my room to the kitchen reminds me of that time you chased me up my stairs
Back when my bedroom was the first one you could see from the top step
I fell instantly onto my floor covered in roses laughing until I cried
Breathing in the smell of peppermint reminds me of the candy canes you put on my
car each morning with notes telling me what you loved about me
Each one signed with a silly celebrity pen name- but I always knew it was you
I’ve been wondering about God lately
Only because I almost hope that heaven exists so that you’re happy
And your soul isn’t with your body freezing below the earth in this terrible winter weather
Rotting beneath my feet when I visit you
I would rather imagine you playing football with the angels
cheering on your brother and watching over your sisters from overhead
I’ve been dreaming about you lately
Avril lavigne lyrics play in my head as you and I dance to the song that was playing
The moment we met- I never understood what it meant to fall in love at first sight
but hearing you say my name like a the click of a lighter igniting a flame
Lit something within me and I needed to be with you
I feel you clutching my hands as I wake up sobbing to my 6am alarm clock
Pulling me back to the reality that youre gone
I’ve been talking about you lately
Hearing the words pour off my tongue about our memories like they did right after you died
Brings back the hurt and the confusion over who,where, what and why
Just like that god forsaken night when you left me
Whispering our memories to anyone who will listen
Has left me broken, breaking- remembering what it feels to lose everything
And speaking your name
You know- I haven’t said your full name since you’ve died
It almost sounds like a curse if it were to fall from my lips for the first time
I’ve been crying about you lately
I miss you- the way you would race around the hood of the truck to open the door for me
I miss you- the way you always seemed to know the right thing to say
I miss you- your lips touching my forehead after I failed at all I wanted to accomplish
I miss you- each and every day- even when I don’t say it- there’s not a day you don’t cross my mind
But lately it’s been all the time
Jan 24, 2012
Jan 24, 2012 at 11:19 PM UTC
It kills me that you don't understand
When you're all I have left
I've lost everyone and everything in this past year
You cry because everyone has left you
Well I'm crying because everyone has left me too
I have no one but you and I don't know where to turn
Because you're trying to pull away
Who am I to say no
To what makes you happy, so go
You don't even realize I'm dying inside
Because I have no one left
They all walked out the door, or I pushed them
I don't have anywhere to turn when you aren't around
And that scares me
What am I supposed to do on nights like these
I want friends to turn to
But I watched them all leave and I let them
I don't know what to do
So I'm going to let you go too
I can't drag you down in this crashing plane
The faces of friends past driving me insane
Have a good life, it's been a nice while it lasted
Goodbye
That's the only word i can think to say to the one
Person i have left
Isn't that just ******* fantastic?
Dec 21, 2011
Dec 21, 2011 at 11:28 PM UTC
I fell into the pattern of forever and always
Forever alone and always looking for someone to save me
To sweep me off my feet into a world that isn’t available to me and only me
But where is that? Does it exist?
Or is it just the way that falling in love tends to taint every situation into memories
Memories of you and I, memories of every single one of those nights
With different boys, and different girls
I always claimed I had the best of both worlds, but I just think I couldn’t
Stand to limit myself when looking for love
Because I could never find it
Not in the darkest corners of any relationship I had nor the brightest glimpses
The stereotypical fairytale love I was searching for didn’t exist
There was no one to treat me like a princess
But I was determined to be one
In 3 months it’ll have been a year since you’ve been gone
A year since I called you mine and I’ve moved on
I fell in love with a girl with long blonde hair
A giving heart and smile to spare
Someone who just looking at I would’ve turned away so that she was someone
I couldn’t taint
But you taught me that everyone is tainted
That a love lost is a love gained and everyone who makes your heart flutter is fair game
I wish I believed in god and in heaven
So I could pray for you to show me a sign that your as happy as I am
Because that’s why you left isn’t it?
To grow wings and fly around and be happy
Somewhere high off the ground without me
If somehow you hear this know that she’s what you told me to look for
The person who in the darkest moments won’t leave
And when I’m crying, will cry with me
I miss you, but you no longer control my heart
You told me from the start I would have to love myself before anyone could love me
Well, you never lived to see that happen
Because you were so **** unhappy
She set me free
I’m still living in this pattern of forever and always
But now it’s
I’m forever with her, loved always by me
Dec 11, 2011
Dec 11, 2011 at 8:46 PM UTC
Every left aligned string of words produced by me has been tainted
Chiseled at and infiltrated by a pain i cannot describe without these words
The syllables that cling to my soul trying to preserve my long lost innocence
My only way of coping with the sadness and the hatred
That run like blood so deep in my veins it's impossible to separate from me
Is to tie together letter after letter in order to try to forget
I've always had the urge to run so far away from my problems they can't find me
Instead as an adversary of my only works of art and of my sanity
You push me
Like a mirror cracked and broken in all of the vital places you reflect me
Reminding me that I'm not the only one broken in this world
And giving me another reason to cling to whats left of my reason to live and hold on to my life
One that I so badly needed as I watched the time tick by
Lost in this cloud of darkness that surrounded me
With no way to feel my way out nor find a glimmer of light to guide me
You taught me that I didn't need a light to see
Instead you took my hand and guided me by touch
Feeling my way out of the darkest of tunnels until a light far away was visible again
If only faint, it was there for me to see after so long of pure blackness
My eyes couldn't fathom what you had shown me
So like an old habit popping up my walls came burrowing up from the ground
Like they always do in dire situations yet for once
I fought to keep them down
For in you I know I have found something I was doubting the existence of
Care, love, and passion a friendship unexplainable even in my poetry
I fight now for words to describe the debt my heart owes to you for keeping me alive
One i will never be able to repay, not that you would allow me to if i tried
For being the broken and helpless person I am somehow I helped you too
The two of us fumbling for words and life couldn't be more thankful to have found each other
Where our two worlds coincide is where we will now be lost forever
That hand in the darkness saved me, now those eyes in the light
Push me forward when every fiber of my being wants to retreat
To forget about promises I've made and run back into trying to forget
To turn back into a person I was long ago where death was my only friend
Where love was a syllable only uttered with lost and my heart was always breaking
Now instead I've found reason for it to heal
Remembering all of the past I fought so hard to forget it
Has made moving forward much easier
Now every shuffled step I take is toward the light instead of away from it
Because now I am viable to admit that it is there
For once in my life I have hope that everything is going to be okay
Yet my tendency to act like everything already is okay
Still perpetrates my bones
I'm an actress at heart and the world is my stage
Feelings and emotions are my lines to be portrayed
I would win an award for best actress if they judged on this kind of show
But still you fight to keep me alive even as I try to hide and lie
Somehow I think you see the truth inside of me
For I must admit
Any person who would guide my through the darks and depths of my tunnel of death
Knows more about me then I do about myself some days
So I guess these words are trying to utter thank you
For saving me in ways that no one else has ever tried nor been able to
These three lined verses are no stranger to hatred or sadness or love
But they have never seen the likes of a poem of pure friendship
A different kind of love that has never entered the strings of lines
I tend to write, so scared to share or even press enter
I have nothing left to give or say
For everything these words have said say it all
You saved me from something I wouldn't have survived otherwise
Thank you.
Jun 30, 2011
Jun 30, 2011 at 11:58 AM UTC
It scares me when I remember exact dates
From exactly a year ago and what they meant
Then isn't anywhere near what they mean to me now
A year ago today in just a few hours
You were handing me a dozen flowers on my front porch
And telling me how glad you were I was yours- forever
We overused the words I love you
And made promises I should've known we'd never keep
But i had fallen head over heels in a love so deep
I couldn't see a way out
Nor did I want one bceause for once I was a princess
You would've given me a crown if you had thought I wanted one
Instead I just wanted you to hold my hand in a crowd
Flaunt me to your best friends as the best in town
Because it was a feeling I had never felt before
I was used to back doors and stolen kisses
from boys not worth my time
Now for the first time in my life I had a boy
Who was more then proud that he was mine
And whos love was more then one of a kind
Every moment that I spent with him was an excitement
Whether we were vanadlizing our names under bridges
or just laying in the hammock in his back yard
while he taught me the names of the stars
Exactly a year ago today he told me he loved me
For the first time- with his arm around me
By the lake- just like the lyrics of a Taylor Swift song
A song that later became my anthem to our relationship
As we screamed the words to her new cd out the windows of my jeep
He wasn't embarressed that he knew them just as well as me
But just like with all loves we had our fights
Screaming that lasted deep into the middle of the night
When I couldn't sleep because his angry words haunted me
He told me he hated me and tore me down
For simple things that seemed to just slip my mind
I never meant to instigate our massive fights
Somehow we always ended up both crying into the phone
Begging eachother to forgive the other, and soon we would
He would end up driving to house just to give me a kiss
To take away the pain he had ensured
But now there is a pain in my heart he can't take away
Because he isn't here to do so
The pain of him leaving is the worst I've ever felt
And it leaves me dying- crying and wishing I was dead too
But I have more then him to live for, so I push through
A year ago today I promised him I'd never leave
And he promised me the same but now he's gone
I keep my promise every day when he shows up in my memory
For no matter how long it's been- I still can't let go of him.
Jun 19, 2011
Jun 19, 2011 at 3:37 PM UTC
At sixteen you feel invincible, like you have the world at your fingertips
If you wanted to you could reach out and touch China- with some determination
You’ve got a car and the ability to leave your house whenever you see fit
So freedom is stamped across the open road as plain as that “Do Not Read” Stamped straight across your principals letter home to your parents
Suddenly everything that was going wrong now seems so right
Your friends are closer, that boy you’ve had a crush on forever said hi to you in the hallway- Making a blush tinge your cheeks so red you had to turn away
But you knew that he would be there tonight, so it was okay
Oh, did you forget to mention having a car, meant doing things your parents didn’t know?
Don’t hesitate to answer, we’ve all been there too
We know that the second your parents leave the house to let you go to the movies: That probably isn’t where your headed, and you probably won’t be spending the night at your best friends house telling ghost stories and doing eachothers nails- I mean, your sixteen now, and those are such childish things
Instead after you promise your mom you’ll be safe, without understanding why she’s so worried, you rush off to pick up four, or five friends to drive to that popular kids party- That always happens to be in the middle of nowhere where you’ve never been before: But go ahead, drive, turn up the music, laugh with your friends
Enjoy being a teenager
Because, you’re invincible and nothing can happen to you right?
You’ll take it back- You’ll want to take it all back in a heartbeat just to go to the movies with your best friend on a Friday night, then spend the night telling ghost stories and doing eachothers nails while gossiping about the cute boy down the street- ‘Cause the second you turn that radio up you’re tuning yourself in to become another statistic
Your head was tilted back for a picture with your friend while singing the lyrics
To one of Britney Spears’ new songs when it happened
The car came out of no where you swear, you didn’t see the stop sign
These words came out of your mouth when you woke up the next morning at the hospital- Head on collision with a car in another lane
You see when your friend had been taking the picture, your eyes were focused on the camera- Not on the road in front of your so you swerved, not only missing a stop sign: But not at all missing a car headed straight your way, no one was conscious when the police came
You’ve now lost your best friend, and a couple of others thanks to your mistake
All because having fun was a little more important than the simple task of staying safe
At sixteen you learn some of lifes biggest lessons
You find out that you’re not invincible no matter how much you thought you were- That having your license doesn’t mean you’re completely free
When you leave your house and your parents caution you its for a reason
Too many people die each day, not just from drunk driving, or being high behind the wheel
But just from being distracted from the road
That two second look away to figure out what your friends are laughing at in the back seat could cost everyone in it their lives
If you could go back you’d change it all in a second
Take heed to your parents warning and be safe
But you can’t take it back so you have to move forward
Because of what happened to you that night that changed your life
You have a message for every teen driver around the nation
Don’t be distracted, and don’t distract
You’re invincible and you don’t want to learn that
The way that I did
Jun 16, 2011
Jun 16, 2011 at 9:52 AM UTC
I wonder what will happen to us when this becomes permanent
When I can't wake up to you laying beside me 9 out of every 10 days
Our only form of communication will become Skype, texting and phone calls
And we both already know we're horrible at keeping up with those
Will we fall apart at the seams like a t-shirt worn for year after year
Or will we hold strong like a building that withstands thousands of thunderstorms
I don't want to see such a bright friendship disenegrate to nothing
But as I've learned time and time again sometimes theres nothing to hold on to
I'm not good at letting go, but I'm worse at holding on
When everything I want to see us become is played against the chaotic picture
Of what we will be enduring in this next year
I feel tears tugging at the backs of my already red and puffy eyes
And so they fall like water pouring from a faucet
Thats been left on and walked away from
Pooling up and flooding every thought my insane brain can formulate
Hazing around every memory of you and I like it is already too late
Is it already too late to save my heart from this pain
I ponder as I realize that it is, the amount my heart aches for you to be here
Overshadows any thought of being able to pull away or forgetting you
And I answer my own question
Of course it is too late to spare myself
Now I can only cling to any hope that we can continue this closeness so far away
With my every being doubting myself and my abilities to keep in contact
My memory reminds me I have failed at this before
Turned around after just a few simple months of being apart from someone close
The knife in my back is turned like a wind up jack in the box
Every word used against me to explain the loss of my best friend
Is the music torturing my ears and the horrible clown of realization pops in my face
I don't want this to be you and I just as it was her and I
But what happens once is known to happen again
So my fearful heart will bring up it's guards and try to push you away
Forgetting as my brain knows that it is already too late
I guess this is what we get, for picking colleges so far away.
Jun 13, 2011
Jun 13, 2011 at 7:43 PM UTC
We're dreamers because we seek things we've never seen
Choose to push ourselves in directions of seemingly unattainable things
Always flyings hours away for things we could get right down the road
Because only with the changing scenary do we ever feel at home
As children our goals were never to be teachers or mommies
Instead we dreamt of dancing on broadway or touching the surface of the moon
With our heads in the clouds numbers of our peers
Continued to try to pull us down, and crash us into the dirt below their feet
But we stayed aloft in the air above their heads
Pushing our eyes into books, and our minds into places we'd never been
Dreaming of the days when we can free ourselves from being stuck
In the small towns we are born in, where the roads all seem to lead to the same places
If you're wondering who the dreamers around you are
Since we're approaching our final destination in this town, our senior year
You can find us finally at rest, at peace, stress levels seemingly at ease
With the knowledge that after this year we will finally be out of here
Us dreamers, we're the ones that have pushed ourselves beyond
Beyond what we thought we could do so we can get into our schools outside of this state, away from the fields that seem to surround us and the small resteraunts we've been to so many times that the waiters and waitress' know our names and what we like to eat
Whether we're flying away to the east coast for New York, the west coast
For LA, north, south or even to just a bordering state, we're the ones leaving
Going to places where no one knows our names because thats where we belong
In places where our identities are brand new, and we can start blank
Because in our minds as dreamers this town has never been enough for us
Some of us have stuck together like glue, but many of you never understood
So we were the backside of your jokes and the endurers of your pranks
Simply because we chose to push ourselves and not join in your childish games
We're dreamers because we see life outside of this town
Limits to where we will go and what we will be don't exist and never have
Joining family businesses or waiting tables will never be our career goals
Instead we will be the ones who visit town twice a year to see our families then leave
Jet off to our lives as broadway singers, astronauts, scientists and lawyers
Even as little kids we could set ourselves apart- when our teachers told us how these jobs were not realistic we told them it didn't matter
Because those were are dreams, and even as little kids we knew we were dreamers
And we would make our dreams could become a reality.
Jun 12, 2011
Jun 12, 2011 at 11:06 AM UTC
Tears cascade down my mascara stained cheeks
As I scream into my already wet pillow
Your name eases from my lips in a whisper
The very contrast to all the memories whirling within
Tornado like winds take over my mind
Removing any other thought, or possibility- all thats left is you
Your memory teasing me with detailed images of your smile
Something that was erased for so long I forgot it existed
Dimples tugging at the corners of your thin pink lips
As they framed your blinding white teeth, as straight as a picket fence
All thanks to three years of pain and torture of metal
That you whined about at every moment possible
But even when you whined, I couldn't take my attention away
Hypnotized by the sunset gleaming in your ever changing colored eyes
Reminding me that the world exists outside of your arms
Though I never wanted it to, I wanted to stay
To feel the warmth of the inside of that dreary black jacket
As long are your arms were at home there too
Home took on a different meaning with you
One that meant late summer nights with our minds among the stars
On a barely exinsistant landing strip
Dedicated as our towns sad excuse for an airport
Never did we see a plane, though we hoped
Sadly plotting that if we ever were so lucky it would show us the way out
Into a world that we hardly knew because we were both here
Stuck in a one horse town with people whose every name we knew
And then you were gone
Swept away with the changing of the tides from fall to winter
The seasons change without passing because my mind doesn't see
My eyes only exist glazed over in long lost memories
Days like death I would pray to forget if I ever thought that God did exist
And early morning hours I wish I could remember
Where ever you are now I hope you know this
Whether you're six feet below me or a thousand above
Your name rings in my ears every second of every day
Never forgetting the promises we made, or the games that we played
Tricking each other into believing that forever did exist
Never forgetting the times you made me laugh because you were stupid
Or the kisses that I never could seem to resist no matter how mad I was
We were robbed by depression that gripped your soul
It dug in its sharpened claws and snatched away the purest of hearts
Within months that raced by like moments it drained you
Like the longest of droughts drains the deepest of rivers
Away went the days of love and sanity and in came the hurricane of hate
Tearing apart everything that we had and throwing it a thousand feet away
Who knows where we would be now if you had managed to escape
To find your way, even broken or damaged, back into the eyes of that
Golden haired hero I could not tear my eyes away from
Even when you were preoccupied across the room hidden from my sight
I was fixated on you
Now that has translated into fixation of my brain
Onto memories and horror and pain that I can't find any way to contain
So I cry on nights like tonight when I can't get away
The dam of a facade I apply with my makeup every day fades
Into a twisted crumpled hurt of never understanding
Why you're still always on my mind
Hazy dream like memories are crushed by the terrors of fights
Then mended by the paintings of us on those late nights
Broken and shattered by screams we both regret
No matter what ever the flashback consists of
It is running through my mind, chased out only by
Shrieks into my soaked stained pillow
And never drying eyes
Jun 2, 2011
Jun 2, 2011 at 7:58 PM UTC