i was rummaging through the sock drawer,
i found the candle
that i burned during that winter i lost you
it was too hard to handle.
you left me,
and the smell brought it all back:
the loneliness,
the blood, the anxiety attacks.
i hated that winter,
your absence was so loud.
i was a zombie in my own chains,
you were my black cloud.
i needed you so bad,
i know that's a horribly cliché thing to say,
but i couldn't sleep, eat, smile or laugh
i needed you those days.
i was a hollow shell
of someone i never knew.
i thought it'd maybe make me stronger,
i barely made it through.
the silence and confusion
rang in my ears.
the pain is so real
it won't disappear.
merry Christmas,
i wish you were here,
i hope you're having a great time
i am drowning in my fear.
that Christmas was the coldest one
that i have ever known,
i never thought i could get that bad,
why'd you leave me on my own?
i denied it all,
tried to hide the pain
but it crept around corners,
slipped into my veins.
the days faded into nights,
the nights into days,
i never left my bed,
i was a slave to your dark and estranged haze.
my only friends were the figures
that danced across my bedroom walls.
the flame would flicker and shake,
i watched the shadows rise and fall.
the sadness smells like linen and ocean waves
i will throw that candle away,
one day
one day.
i have moved on now,
moved on with deep tissue scars.
it's not fair to him
i'm still behind your prison bars.
i have moved on now,
nightmares and anxiety attacks
are horrible souvenirs,
maybe i'll get over this soon, hopefully this year.
i lie when i say
"i breakdown for no reason",
i'm broken because i am remembering that
heartbreak season.
Aug 28, 2015
Aug 28, 2015 at 8:37 PM UTC
maybe i am how i am because i slept under my bed as a child, maybe the monsters made their way into my head while i slept dreaming of ice cream and playgrounds
or maybe i am how i am because God stopped listening a long time ago
or maybe i am how i am because he killed himself two summers ago and i couldn't go to his funeral
or maybe i am the way i am because i have to dust off my dad's TOMBSTONE because i now realize people leave and stop caring but i CAN'T.
I can't.
Jun 28, 2015
Jun 28, 2015 at 7:44 PM UTC
1/19/15
4:03 AM: why did you stop caring about me?
1/22/15
11:46 PM: I've been so alone.
1/25/15
3:27 PM: you can't give me advice about staying sober when you are always high.
3:29 PM: i don't think you'll ever understand how bad this hurts.
3:30 PM: you don't understand how badly I've been hurting.
3:30 PM: you don't know how bad you hurt me.
3:31 PM: you tore me apart.
1/26/15
4:21 PM: do you ever scratch your scrub your skin until you bleed?
4:31 PM: sometimes i feel like i'll never make it out...
1/28/15
5:03 PM: there's a gun underneath my bed
5:10 PM: i keep it within reach just incase the war gets to be too much
Feb 27, 2015
Feb 27, 2015 at 8:51 AM UTC
5
heaven is like the bible says
everyone will be there
we will all laugh
there is no time
the streets are paved with gold
7
heaven is like the bible says
a paradise
but not everyone goes
there is no time
the streets are paved with gold
9
heaven is like the bible says
but there are a lot of rules
not everyone goes
but whoever does goes forever
and the streets are paved with gold
12
heaven is like the bible says
and i don't understand it.
we had a preacher at daddy's funeral
but i am scared that won't be enough for him
13
heaven is what all of my friends learn about in church
i stopped going
14
heaven is limited
i don't know if daddy even made it
if I die, I will see him locked outside the gate
and I will join him
and hold his hand
16
heaven is black
like my eyes
like my heart
Jan 20, 2015
Jan 20, 2015 at 9:16 PM UTC
we both know
i can't do this on my own
we both know
how i get when i am alone
we both know
i have tried to do it
alone
we both lost count
of the failures
Jan 20, 2015
Jan 20, 2015 at 8:07 PM UTC
you prayed to God
for a miracle every night.
i left.
i'm sorry it took so long
for Him to listen.
Jan 20, 2015
Jan 20, 2015 at 6:10 PM UTC
17
i need you to come back.
16
i wake up in a hospital.
i hate myself.
i need someone to stay.
16
i am so happy.
i think the pain is over.
my mom pulls me off of the floor.
16
my boyfriend loves me.
he leaves bruises on my body
and he knocked me out
but i love him.
he needs me.
he gets angry when i do not answer my phone.
he cares.
he wants me.
15
i stop eating.
i attempt suicide 5 times.
i have no friends.
i love pills. i love razors -
no one stays, but they do.
14
i cut myself.
i sit alone at lunch.
i love pills.
i do not believe in god.
i rip my hair out.
i am my mother's burden.
14
mom.
sister.
i can’t breathe.
how is it possible that i am drowning when i'm breathing in air?
13
mom.
sister.
a quiet home.
the silence strangles me.
i need a friend, but i have no one.
12
my step dad's funeral,
my grandpa brings his new wife who hates us,
i am angry.
i am alone.
12
my mom is home,
i am excited.
my world fell apart.
i never said goodbye.
i hate myself.
i hate this world.
nobody stays.
12
my mom and step dad,
mom leaves to stay with him in the hospital.
i want them both here.
he is my best friend.
i hate hospitals and nurses and hospital food.
i hate. i hate. i hate.
11
my mom and step dad,
he goes to the hospital often.
when he is gone, we order pizza and eat noodles
i hate the taste.
10
my mom and step dad,
mom hides his pills.
he searches for them frantically, like a scavenger hunt.
i love step dad.
i hate pills.
9
my mom and step dad.
my step dad is very sick.
my step dad loves pills.
i love my step dad.
8
my mom and step dad.
my grandma's funeral,
she was my best friend.
i feel alone.
7
my mom and step dad,
they don't scream.
i loved being a flower girl,
i felt pretty.
6
my mom.
did I do something to make him go away?
5
my daddy couldn’t wait to leave.
why is daddy leaving?
4
my mommy and daddy
are screaming,
why are you angry?
daddy tries to hurt me,
did i upset you?
i am sorry if i did
3
my mommy and daddy
loved us so much,
and we loved them.
2
my mommy and daddy
and sister,
welcome to the world.
1
my mommy and daddy
loved me.
0
my mommy and daddy
couldn’t wait to meet me.
Jan 19, 2015
Jan 19, 2015 at 6:12 PM UTC
when you feel your heart breaking
your body will start shaking.
you'll look away,
curse the tears because they didn't stay.
when you feel your heart breaking
your chest will start aching.
your lungs will cry out
and you'll gasp as you fill them through your mouth.
when you feel your heart breaking
you'll spend all the time faking.
hold your breathe,
pretend you aren't aching.
slam your eyes shut, tell yourself you aren't breaking.
when you feel your heart breaking
the shards will impale your weak chest,
they'll cut you open and make you shriek in the night
the nightmare doesn't end when you open your eyes.
when you feel your heart breaking
you check your chest for the proof
but there's nothing there but the skin
you wish you were not born in.
Jan 19, 2015
Jan 19, 2015 at 3:02 PM UTC
it often occurs,
every time
hurts worse
it all piles up
like ***** laundry in the basket.
does no one wash their clothes anymore?
Jan 19, 2015
Jan 19, 2015 at 2:54 PM UTC