There was the scientist
who spoke about black holes
like they were childhood memories.
The bartender in Amsterdam
with tired green eyes
and forearms capable of repairing my entire personality.
The Serbian architect
who kissed me once outside a kebab shop
while snow fell softly
onto both our bad coping mechanisms.
The married man in Madrid
who looked at me too long over wine.
We do not discuss him.
There are always men.
Beautiful temporary men.
Men who teach you things accidentally:
how to leave,
how to stay,
how to ask better questions,
how to stop confusing emotional labor with intimacy.
I wanted to save half of them.
The other half
wanted to save me.
This is what adults call chemistry.
Sometimes I think love is just:
two exhausted people
misunderstanding each other
with tremendous sincerity.
Still,
I continue.
Buying candles.
Learning recipes.
Washing good glasses by hand.
Preparing emotionally
for a tenderness
that may already be walking toward me slowly
through some supermarket
thinking about olives,
or grief,
or whether to text me first.
May 25
May 25, 2026 at 2:38 PM UTC
(Standing at the edge, I feel the void remember me.)
The void remembers itself,
a mirror folded into nothing,
and I stand at the edge,
where breath meets silence,
where time hesitates.
A choice hangs in the air:
to cross over or remain,
to let the unseen pull me
like water into shadow,
or step back into light I know.
Whispers rise from emptiness,
not voices, but echoes
of every path untaken,
every word left unspoken,
every hand I never held.
The crossing feels less a leap than yielding,
less fear than acceptance,
and for a heartbeat I hold
both the weight and freedom,
balancing on the threshold of everything.
Then I step, or do not,
and in that single motion,
the void remembers me,
and I remember myself,
poised between being and becoming.
May 25
May 25, 2026 at 2:34 PM UTC
I’m tired of nights that never end,
Of older men who just pretend,
Who call me “beautiful” for show,
Then leave before they even know.
They speak in ways that sound so sweet,
Then turn my heart to something weak.
Their polished words, their practiced lies,
Still echo long after goodbye.
I learned to trade my pain for praise,
To lose myself in strangers’ gaze.
To let their attention pull me near,
Just so I won’t disappear.
They say I’m “mature,” wise for my age,
Like that excuses every cage.
Like loneliness can justify
The way they use me, then deny.
And when the mirror catches me,
I hate the person that I see.
Not from their hands, but from the shame
Of every cruel and hollow phrase.
I feel disgusting, small, unclean,
Like I’m worth less than I had dreamed.
Their words still linger in my head,
Repeating everything they said.
I ache to hear somebody stay,
To mean enough they choose my name.
Not just a body passing through,
Not just a moment to consume.
I want to be the kind they keep,
The kind they hold when things get deep.
To be admired beyond my skin,
And not abandoned once let in.
Because the hardest thing to bear
Is giving all and feeling spare;
Standing beside somebody’s life,
Yet never once becoming prized.
May 14
May 14, 2026 at 5:00 AM UTC
I am the problem
when the rope is too tight to cut.
I am the problem
when your doubts gnaw at you
and push you to the edge
of something bitter.
I am the problem
when you want to protect
your fractured frame
and think I’m getting in your way.
I am the problem
when you don’t want to see
a different color.
I am the problem
when you are ashamed
of your unlived years.
You are my problem
when there’s a constant war
between two parts of me,
and I can’t get out of this mess
without hurting you.
So who is going to solve us
when life looks like a city
we’ve never walked before,
and a puzzle
left unfinished
and I still don’t know
which way to go.
Apr 20
Apr 20, 2026 at 3:36 AM UTC
It is in the mornings
When the mask is left lying somewhere on the floor
Or possibly tangled up in the sheets
That I’m exposed to the reality of my existence
**** the emptiness is breathtaking…
Apr 20
Apr 20, 2026 at 3:27 AM UTC
Another sunrise I wake to alone
Tell me my love
What's the purpose in this again?
You're in the next room but may as well be on another planet
The distance between us screams
How do I fix this?
I wouldn't know where to begin
The further you drift away
The more desperate I become
I can't pinpoint where I lost you
My only relief from this torture
The smoke I inhale... within seconds I go numb
Just going through the motions
Two strangers co-existing in this cold and lonely house
My skin begins to rot from your neglect
I'm drowning in this room in the memories of our love
While you sleep out on the couch
Apr 13
Apr 13, 2026 at 3:16 PM UTC
Im not really sure where we are supposed to or could possibly go from here
This is not the same
There is an emptiness that has settled here
We both know it, feel it
But sure my love, I'll play along
You know how much i cringe and crumble in the face of conflict
How I will set myself on fire to spare another's feelings, to negatively affect their state of mind
So it is only appropriate that I, for the umpteenth time, set myself ablaze for you
Keeper of my heart, master of my mind
My blushing smile one minute
and the next my regret filled tears
Sobbing in the shower, my car, into my pillows
Anywhere I can find where I'm less likely to be heard
It's become quite the embarrassment for others to witness what I fool I continue to be,
how I allow myself to pretend to still be so ******* blind
Apr 13
Apr 13, 2026 at 3:13 PM UTC
How could you?
How could you be so reckless with my soul?
I broke down walls,
I unchained my rib cage
I served you my heart on a
Silver platter,
Just for you to take
A bite when you were hungry.
Just for you to come and go
As you please.
Always putting yourself first,
Myself, an afterthought.
I once again know pain
And loss.
I once again am losing my mind
At the thought.
Why do I hold on so tightly
To people
Who just destroy me?
Apr 6
Apr 6, 2026 at 7:51 AM UTC