sddugger12 - Hello Poetry

I am not Shawn I have ceased to be And I am instead What you see now When you see me I am not Shawn I am audacity To speak my mind To speak my feelings To speak my truth Yet ****** by all three I am not Shawn I am lunacy My thoughts and logic Played down or dismissed In lieu of the only truth Allowed to support another's reality I am not Shawn I am infidelity Years ago guilty of this crime But living today Like yesterday is the present And I need reminders of my culpability I am not Shawn I am cruelty A now tolerated trespasser to peace in a home Built on hurt pride and offences Enumerated and idolized meticulously I am not Shawn I am the vocabulary Of confused words and miscommunication When it's sweet, my disposition is one of intelligence But while in conflict, only ignorant inadequacy I am not Shawn I am expectancy Placed uncomfortably into my imploring posture As I seek morsels of golden attention Choosing my words ever so carefully I am not Shawn I am a mockery Whose tears have a faucet And whose humility is reserved for moments Of game play and emotional treachery I am not Shawn I am mystery The suggestion is I'm hiding That which 'oneness' should know and see When in fact it's the fault of judgement Hidden inside another's feigned transparency I am not Shawn I am fragility Painted weak, old and forgetful Glances at my softening frame Constant jokes of reverie I am not Shawn I am improbability No consistent growth measured In areas of another's choosing Left alone to get it together emotionally and spiritually Eventually…maybe? I am not Shawn I am hypocrisy For blameless one may live If the same offense may be found In the one claiming initial offense The mirror not inward facing, only outwardly I am not Shawn I am an apology For all the many actions and faulty statements Which so quickly offend the same one Less prone to act just as responsibly I am not Shawn I am an enemy Pushed away and constantly distanced An outsider forced to partner In this abandonment dance and fantasy I am not Shawn I am make-believe Merely an actress given a script Fashioned of lines that another prepares For me For I am not Shawn I have ceased to be You have given me a new name… history.

0

Jun 4, 2021

Jun 4, 2021 at 12:39 PM UTC

He barks, chained to post His masters are inside, too Chained in their own way

0

Apr 5, 2020

Apr 5, 2020 at 3:14 PM UTC

sddugger12

Canine Haiku

He barks, chained to post His masters are inside, too Chained in their own way

3

In the stillness of a winter day Noiseless teardrops make their way Down the landscape of my face Like frozen and irregular icicles They create rivers and lakes Along my cheeks and around my chin Where, once separated Tributaries meet and start their descent Falling as gently as the miracle of snow surrounding me They are soundless thunder As they splash upon the cold ground Spilling all the secrets of my broken heart… A silent storm Lightning images of my past Illuminate the skyline of my mind Holding my icy heart prisoner Gated by hurt, padlocked with pride The warden of fear controls my every move My immature self remains hidden away, Peering through the bars of my jail window As the rest of the world passes me by Barely taking notice of my condition And those who do, avert my eyes Shake their heads and hurriedly pass Barely acknowledging The wasteland of my silent struggle In this same barren stillness A voice speaks to me Behind the darkness of my pain Touching me…warming me It illuminates my soul Thawing a core That for years now has been cold And inexplicably, in this vast and lonely place I reach beyond my fears To grab hold of its soul-rendering strength-- The blessed peace of but a few words He speaks to me… Be still & know.

0

Feb 15, 2020

Feb 15, 2020 at 3:18 PM UTC

sddugger12

Frozen Solid

In the stillness of a winter day Noiseless teardrops make their way Down the landscape of my face Like frozen and irregular icicles They create rivers and lakes Along my cheeks and around my chin Where, once separated Tributaries meet and start their descent Falling as gently as the miracle of snow surrounding me They are soundless thunder As they splash upon the cold ground Spilling all the secrets of my broken heart… A silent storm Lightning images of my past Illuminate the skyline of my mind Holding my icy heart prisoner Gated by hurt, padlocked with pride The warden of fear controls my every move My immature self remains hidden away, Peering through the bars of my jail window As the rest of the world passes me by Barely taking notice of my condition And those who do, avert my eyes Shake their heads and hurriedly pass Barely acknowledging The wasteland of my silent struggle In this same barren stillness A voice speaks to me Behind the darkness of my pain Touching me…warming me It illuminates my soul Thawing a core That for years now has been cold And inexplicably, in this vast and lonely place I reach beyond my fears To grab hold of its soul-rendering strength-- The blessed peace of but a few words He speaks to me… Be still & know.

39

How it happened I remember Ten little fingers, ten little toes Had been growing inside me Nine months she had to grow Late she was delivered By a week and a day Her great-grandmother’s death Had opened up the way Bittersweet were the tears Softly, quietly they fell Grandma’s words had kept me Though unsure, I knew we’d be well Back home my love is tested My patience wearing thin Yet four years after Big Sis I made the same choice again Ten more fingers, ten more toes Did little to help what was broken All my love and all my time Is what I gave them as a token Here now, they were a part of this A whirlwind of pain and tears Day in, day out I’m feeling trapped Hopeful they’d never see my fear Eventually, having had enough I packed our bags and fled Emotionless, conflicted feelings Inside I already felt myself dead Months…a year…time passed on Two ladybugs grew and changed My heart was cold and deadened This was SO not the life I arranged Anger replaced all other emotions Closed to the world, I drifted away The pills…a plan…it was all in front of me It’d be better for them I would say And in this place my grandma’s words Sought and reached out to me There was God in this she claimed Though where He was I didn’t see Just then by chance I reached out To one whose eyes held truth and grace Not sure what to make of this sudden move I felt myself far outpaced Hiding from love Yet yearning for much more This new bond had awakened in me A new future for me to explore Slowly and carefully we navigated Finding significance in small gains Eventually unveiling one another And pushing through the pain Twenty-fingers, twenty toes there were Shy, unsure, and confused Soon those feelings melted away They were now confident and amused Where the rocky shores of hearts once stood Love’s water had cut a gorge Roots established, a future ahead An unconventional family tree was forged And on one cold and introspective day When the smell of rain awakened me My grandmother’s words rang out again “I told you one day you’d see.” Chasing a dream flawed from the start Was not what I was meant to do Forcing fate, proving points Doing what I thought I was supposed to do In all that time what I failed to perceive Was that it was not for me to choose it— This family chose ME

0

Feb 15, 2020

Feb 15, 2020 at 3:17 PM UTC

sddugger12

Fate-mily

How it happened I remember Ten little fingers, ten little toes Had been growing inside me Nine months she had to grow Late she was delivered By a week and a day Her great-grandmother’s death Had opened up the way Bittersweet were the tears Softly, quietly they fell Grandma’s words had kept me Though unsure, I knew we’d be well Back home my love is tested My patience wearing thin Yet four years after Big Sis I made the same choice again Ten more fingers, ten more toes Did little to help what was broken All my love and all my time Is what I gave them as a token Here now, they were a part of this A whirlwind of pain and tears Day in, day out I’m feeling trapped Hopeful they’d never see my fear Eventually, having had enough I packed our bags and fled Emotionless, conflicted feelings Inside I already felt myself dead Months…a year…time passed on Two ladybugs grew and changed My heart was cold and deadened This was SO not the life I arranged Anger replaced all other emotions Closed to the world, I drifted away The pills…a plan…it was all in front of me It’d be better for them I would say And in this place my grandma’s words Sought and reached out to me There was God in this she claimed Though where He was I didn’t see Just then by chance I reached out To one whose eyes held truth and grace Not sure what to make of this sudden move I felt myself far outpaced Hiding from love Yet yearning for much more This new bond had awakened in me A new future for me to explore Slowly and carefully we navigated Finding significance in small gains Eventually unveiling one another And pushing through the pain Twenty-fingers, twenty toes there were Shy, unsure, and confused Soon those feelings melted away They were now confident and amused Where the rocky shores of hearts once stood Love’s water had cut a gorge Roots established, a future ahead An unconventional family tree was forged And on one cold and introspective day When the smell of rain awakened me My grandmother’s words rang out again “I told you one day you’d see.” Chasing a dream flawed from the start Was not what I was meant to do Forcing fate, proving points Doing what I thought I was supposed to do In all that time what I failed to perceive Was that it was not for me to choose it— This family chose ME

71

In my mind there have always been simple premises *** with no witnesses…Love, always limited. Words not spoken, leaves hearts unbroken. I mean really, it would be truly silly For me to walk that road again, unsure of what was around the bend In this road of life…no thanks…too much strife. Instead it’s been mostly easy for me To bend at the knee While bearing your weight behind me Turned away from you, disallowing me to see The pleasure and pain in your eyes That no amount of copulation can hide. Or maybe not wanting you to see that as you take me with you I shatter into pieces untrue To myself and my very nature. In my mind’s eye I know for sure That there is nothing more pure Than soft light illuminating the walls of morning When I wake up, yawning Stretched out beside my king without a care in the world… But I digress. Allowing myself the indulgence of such Would leave me exposed and open a little too much Naked. But something about the way he sees what I don’t show As if in his own mind’s eye he may know All the very core secrets of my being The hurt and pain and pure unraveling Of my soul For which I’ve had no control In months now that have passed And I’ve simply been content to lend out my *** No questions asked, no feelings spent Shoulders down and knees bent I present myself to him this time And I feel his fingers slowly run up the back of my legs Over my behind And then onto my spine. He asked me without a moment’s hesitation To do something which caused deep contemplation On my personal part and on the part of my heart Because this wasn’t our deal at the start. I suppose I should have known this much Judging from his awesome touch And the way he often treats my body like a holy place Marking me with his hands, his lips upon my face Between these ***** he pauses to sup Drinking greedily from my coven cup. There’s no sipping and pinching off small pieces Oh no…he eases All of himself into me Stripping me free…. And naked. So here I stand In front of this man Whose making me for the first time in a long time Deal with issues of neglect and abandonment all mine Standing before him I’m not alone And somehow feel elated to be on this throne His queen, a place already prepared As his strong hands grab my ******* and thread through my hair What I’m feeling is nothing like The arguments full of spite I’ve left now far behind As our tongues wrestle…his with mine. My prior life feels like a total mystery Like someone else’s life…not even a part of my history. Failed nuptials, ill-fated one-night stands They are all forgotten in the arms of this… One true man. He’s not here as my reminder of those things That can only prove to bring Unrest and distrust in this present coupling. Why should I share the hate Why should I make every topic a debate A battle royale, with wagers and bets This new feeling is something beyond the obvious of *** I’m Naked. My garments are gone, as tears stream down my face This body wholly consumed and now prostrate No longer in fear of exposure and waste Quite totally and fully his Not just a depository, opening up for what's his But a true Goddess I’ve become, transformed No longer satisfied and happy with the norm Of conformity in life and relationship Oh hellz no…fug that shid. I’ve stripped for him and bore it all And now wait patiently for him to fill these walls With his life-force, overstanding and supplication My heart and legs, open for consummation Of this new marriage and eternal bond Built on what’s to come, not from whence we’ve come A true woman, not a girl-child attitude Yolks more evenly balanced, I’m now glad for a life of servitude I’ve gladly taken this route emotionally To trust you, then love you, then touch you Starting anew… Naked.

0

Feb 15, 2020

Feb 15, 2020 at 3:13 PM UTC

sddugger12

Naked

In my mind there have always been simple premises *** with no witnesses…Love, always limited. Words not spoken, leaves hearts unbroken. I mean really, it would be truly silly For me to walk that road again, unsure of what was around the bend In this road of life…no thanks…too much strife. Instead it’s been mostly easy for me To bend at the knee While bearing your weight behind me Turned away from you, disallowing me to see The pleasure and pain in your eyes That no amount of copulation can hide. Or maybe not wanting you to see that as you take me with you I shatter into pieces untrue To myself and my very nature. In my mind’s eye I know for sure That there is nothing more pure Than soft light illuminating the walls of morning When I wake up, yawning Stretched out beside my king without a care in the world… But I digress. Allowing myself the indulgence of such Would leave me exposed and open a little too much Naked. But something about the way he sees what I don’t show As if in his own mind’s eye he may know All the very core secrets of my being The hurt and pain and pure unraveling Of my soul For which I’ve had no control In months now that have passed And I’ve simply been content to lend out my *** No questions asked, no feelings spent Shoulders down and knees bent I present myself to him this time And I feel his fingers slowly run up the back of my legs Over my behind And then onto my spine. He asked me without a moment’s hesitation To do something which caused deep contemplation On my personal part and on the part of my heart Because this wasn’t our deal at the start. I suppose I should have known this much Judging from his awesome touch And the way he often treats my body like a holy place Marking me with his hands, his lips upon my face Between these ***** he pauses to sup Drinking greedily from my coven cup. There’s no sipping and pinching off small pieces Oh no…he eases All of himself into me Stripping me free…. And naked. So here I stand In front of this man Whose making me for the first time in a long time Deal with issues of neglect and abandonment all mine Standing before him I’m not alone And somehow feel elated to be on this throne His queen, a place already prepared As his strong hands grab my ******* and thread through my hair What I’m feeling is nothing like The arguments full of spite I’ve left now far behind As our tongues wrestle…his with mine. My prior life feels like a total mystery Like someone else’s life…not even a part of my history. Failed nuptials, ill-fated one-night stands They are all forgotten in the arms of this… One true man. He’s not here as my reminder of those things That can only prove to bring Unrest and distrust in this present coupling. Why should I share the hate Why should I make every topic a debate A battle royale, with wagers and bets This new feeling is something beyond the obvious of *** I’m Naked. My garments are gone, as tears stream down my face This body wholly consumed and now prostrate No longer in fear of exposure and waste Quite totally and fully his Not just a depository, opening up for what's his But a true Goddess I’ve become, transformed No longer satisfied and happy with the norm Of conformity in life and relationship Oh hellz no…fug that shid. I’ve stripped for him and bore it all And now wait patiently for him to fill these walls With his life-force, overstanding and supplication My heart and legs, open for consummation Of this new marriage and eternal bond Built on what’s to come, not from whence we’ve come A true woman, not a girl-child attitude Yolks more evenly balanced, I’m now glad for a life of servitude I’ve gladly taken this route emotionally To trust you, then love you, then touch you Starting anew… Naked.

100

Did you miss the WET PAINT sign? I can tell. You're covered with the red of my rage and the blue of my depression. Some say purple is a royal color. Too bad the sticky yellow of cowardice seals your lips. But the green envy of your eyes tells me everything I need to know. Orange you glad that soon these muddled colors will merge? And maybe, in the sludgy gray, you'll find me.

0

Dec 17, 2019

Dec 17, 2019 at 1:55 PM UTC

sddugger12

Warning Sign

Did you miss the WET PAINT sign? I can tell. You're covered with the red of my rage and the blue of my depression. Some say purple is a royal color. Too bad the sticky yellow of cowardice seals your lips. But the green envy of your eyes tells me everything I need to know. Orange you glad that soon these muddled colors will merge? And maybe, in the sludgy gray, you'll find me.

12

I am not Shawn I have ceased to be And am instead What you see now When you see me I am not Shawn I am audacity To speak my mind To speak my feelings To speak my truth Yet ****** by all three I am not Shawn I am lunacy My thoughts and logics Played down or dismissed In lieu of the only truth Allowed to support another's reality I am not Shawn I am infidelity Years ago guilty of this crime But living today like yesterday Is the present and I need reminders of my culpability I am not Shawn I am cruelty A now tolerated trespasser To peace in a home Built on hurt pride and offenses Enumerated and idolized meticulously I am not Shawn I am the vocabulary Of confused words And claimed miscommunication On one hand, suggested intelligence But in conflict only ignorant inadequacy I am not Shawn I am expectancy Placed uncomfortably Into an imploring posture As I seek morsels of golden attention Choosing my words ever so carefully I am not Shawn I am a mockery Whose tears have a faucet And whose humility Is reserved for moments Of game playing and emotional treachery I am not Shawn I am mystery It's suggested I'm harmfully hiding That which oneness should know & see When in fact it's the fault of judgment He too hides within feigned transparency I am not Shawn I am fragility Painted weak Old and forgetful Glances at my softening frame Constant jokes of reverie I am not Shawn I am improbability Haven't consistently grown In areas of others' choosing Not my own. Left to get it Together spiritually, eventually...maybe. I am not Shawn I am hypocrisy For blameless one may live If the same offense may be found In the person claiming offense The mirror not inward facing but outwardly I am not Shawn I am an apology For all the many actions And faulty statements Which so quickly offend the same one Less prone to act just as responsibly I am not Shawn I am an enemy Pushed away Constantly distanced An outsider and forced partner In this abandonment dance and fantasy I am not Shawn I am make-believe Merely an actress given a script Fashioned of lines another prepares For me For I am not Shawn You have given me a new name... History

0

Dec 17, 2019

Dec 17, 2019 at 11:30 AM UTC

How is it so that you play me like fine piano keys tuned to a melody that only we can read Music so divine settling in my mind resting on my soul a rhythm so bold and tempting Your hands ring my cymbals as sounds that resemble percussion rock my hips and a bass guitar guides my lips to meet with yours where we score a beat unmatched Is that you tapping on my walls like a flute notes staccato and true as I open to receive your treble clef accepting there's nothing left but to receive your striking baritone as we both moan ah, sweet crescendo

0

Dec 14, 2019

Dec 14, 2019 at 9:31 PM UTC

sddugger12

Eros Symphony

How is it so that you play me like fine piano keys tuned to a melody that only we can read Music so divine settling in my mind resting on my soul a rhythm so bold and tempting Your hands ring my cymbals as sounds that resemble percussion rock my hips and a bass guitar guides my lips to meet with yours where we score a beat unmatched Is that you tapping on my walls like a flute notes staccato and true as I open to receive your treble clef accepting there's nothing left but to receive your striking baritone as we both moan ah, sweet crescendo

42

as seasons change my thoughts rearrange themselves and focus upon a heart un-won but still beating slowly retreating while deciding whether there truly is a place or if all this time is lost and a waste pondering should it move on rhythmically creating a bond and lasting token of words not spoken but felt between two me you as green leaves give way to fall hues my soul shuts down and sings the blues yearning for a completion that is often promised but remains just the same unrealized in my eyes but what do I know of this thing we call "getting to know" impatience is my calling card with pretty much a disregard for time and place and need for space i mean nothing by it just my spoiled adult fit as brisk cold winds will surely usher in continued uncertainty and winter ponderings by warm chimneys where you'll lie on my breast and we'll laugh and jest at the ranges my mind takes as the season changes

0

Dec 14, 2019

Dec 14, 2019 at 9:22 PM UTC

sddugger12

Seasons Change

as seasons change my thoughts rearrange themselves and focus upon a heart un-won but still beating slowly retreating while deciding whether there truly is a place or if all this time is lost and a waste pondering should it move on rhythmically creating a bond and lasting token of words not spoken but felt between two me you as green leaves give way to fall hues my soul shuts down and sings the blues yearning for a completion that is often promised but remains just the same unrealized in my eyes but what do I know of this thing we call "getting to know" impatience is my calling card with pretty much a disregard for time and place and need for space i mean nothing by it just my spoiled adult fit as brisk cold winds will surely usher in continued uncertainty and winter ponderings by warm chimneys where you'll lie on my breast and we'll laugh and jest at the ranges my mind takes as the season changes

70

Words won't write themselves Pen to paper--get started No more excuses

0

Dec 8, 2019

Dec 8, 2019 at 5:51 PM UTC

sddugger12

Hiya Haiku

Words won't write themselves Pen to paper--get started No more excuses

3