because
you cannot see it
you mistake the air
for nothing at all
it cheats your senses
imperceptible
second skin
so complete
surrounding you
filling you
sealing you in
the always and never
without
within
even in absence
of its evidence
every animal
knows which way
the wind is blowing
except you
paranoia and delusion
collude with logic
to keep you safe
sheep in wolf's clothing
hiding among wolves
words and behaviors
with no teeth
without breath
without thought
their meaning
killed over and over
by deathly repetition
rote belief
and active denial
safety is a charade
prettiest pose on display
polished trap-showcase
practiced happyish face
unnaturally fixed in place
something unsettling
seen and unseen
settled between your eyes
and the kind-of-not-quite smile
straining your jaw
saying silently something
is still wrong
it is Impossible to
explain your condition
why you sometimes feel
so many desperate hands
reaching out
through your laughing mouth
a reverse choke
on your own silence
you smile at this
in self defense
you are an animal after all
yes, I can see you
your eyes stutter to
convince the rest of your face
that: no, no this is a mistake, and
that: this is a dangerous situation
but your mouth does not agree
and continues to smile at me
revealing teeth
tame with restraint
round and ineffectual
making your mouth
a useless tool
false invitation
primal fear
easy intimidation
when predators near
you should be more careful
who you smile at dear
routines are an ordered madness
masking your chaotic sadness
build of habits and
unconsciousness and
your nostalgia for regret
and missed opportunities
you can not forget
fall prey to
your insecurities
your self doubt
to everything nothing
all at once
this is how you
cancel yourself out
you are a lousy animal
killing yourself this way
you would die in the wild
you belong in a cage
Nov 28, 2017
Nov 28, 2017 at 9:28 PM UTC
Because of things
that happened
20 years ago
In a bed at night
When I was vulnerable
Accidentally trusting you
Old enough to leave Home
Not old enough to buy a drink
Just lost enough to fall for you
Give myself to you entirely
Because you had found me
Where others had pathetically not
In me you found the obvious
Fear
Insecurity
Abandonment
Neglect
trauma
You found yourself in me
Except you were twice my age
Affected tho like me - but wrong
My teacher so accessible
And so all the more taboo
For a feral girl without boundaries
Oh you knew me
You smelled me coming down the hall
My untamed heart
My broken heart
My disappointed heart
My empty heart
Waiting for all of you to get inside of it
And fill me up
I thought I needed you
I thought it was love
When you are starving
everything looks like food
Even the poison
You looked at me -
right at me - into me -
I felt you inside of me
naked in my chair like a stress dream
This was English class
Because you acknowledged me
In front of everyone
And without anyone knowing
You searched me
beseeching
pleading
I imagined you begging
I was so stupid to think
You could be mine
And I could be in control
For four years I imagined you begging
For for years you were oh so careful
Late nights at school editing
Driving me home- dropping me last at the top of manhattan
Peeling clementines for me
As I watched your fingers pull back the skin
Just like that
As we discussed my poetry
Until I was gone from you
And had only your words
“Love, Tom”
And a book of poems
Emily
I knew you loved me
And when I returned
In the snow globe of
old 72nd st station
We kissed
You possessed me
This was our secret
You said
And I laughed
In my head
Then out loud but
anonymous and silent
In the rush hour train station crowd
I was not keeping this to myself
I was - so - young
What did you expect from
My hormone flooded
Underdeveloped and broken besides
brain?
Besides thinking I was your
Pet ******
Secrets are for confession
spoken once
never to be repeated
but you repeated
didn’t you?
Mistaking me for Ophelia
Getting me to a nunnery
So the truth didn’t get you fired
But my lips parted
As only a virgin’s could
telling all my sisters
What did Ophelia do with all those
tokens anyway?
She didn’t take the ******* train.
That was the night
I was ticketed
For smoking a cigarette on the platform
And tossing it into the tracks.
A secret I begged the officer to keep
From my parents
Which he said he would
But did not
A lie only
A policeman could tell.
So robust I had to believe him
I should have expected him
To betray me
By just doing his job
I could say that
About you Mr teacher
Or was ******* me
without a ******
Without my permission
Part of my homework?
Nov 28, 2017
Nov 28, 2017 at 9:24 PM UTC
i am prescribed
to watch you
perfidious dying star
whose brilliant life
dilated my eyes
a drug of promise
a light on black water
i've been treading
and will tread
and will tread
already nova
you disintegrate
protracted
yet instantaneous
even as you sit so still
composed
while decomposing
impossibly looking
and not looking at me
your disappearance is blinding
and massive
a denied inevitability
that quietly explodes me
your nothingness
crashes over me in waves
as I roll without direction beneath
where the bottom used to be
silent violence made
in your wake perpetuates
unforeseen side effects
effectively you abandoning me
vacuum void my undone body
black hole collapse of gravity
such is your fall out all over me
infuriating stellar reliability
unequivocal follow through
really ******* good for you
watch how easy it is
for you to take me apart
with your words
see my soft pieces writhe
wet and mute on the floor
disassembled
by a sentence
betrayed by your mouth
only my thoughts remain
teeming aimlessly
toward what is gone
wanting to be known
knowing they are hopeless
as cries underwater
tears on skin
evaporate instantly
you will forget
in as much time
their tiny sacrifices
hundreds of momentary lives
lived only in your name
hundreds of deaths for you
miniature castaways of me
crying a siren's song
sinking me further
because it is my nature to
give pieces of myself away
trying to become complete
until suddenly
i am gone entirely
wanting to take you with me
between the two of us someone
is subconsciously a killer
sudden deep freeze self defense
disassociation disbelief
because of what I know
you know you mean to me
-and-
also there are rules
to you leaving me
you promise to never ever
be my friend
and assure me
i will never ever
see you again
subzero affect
forever treacherous end
this - is the part - when
i turn inside out
and self destruct in front of you
spectacularly
as you watch -- help-less-ly
intentionally not saving me
because what you do for a living
is killing me
i will tire of treading water
because everybody drifts away
i am so laden
and broken
built to drown
your goodbye
is the fullest
a set up
to pull me down
Sent from my iPhone
Apr 10, 2016
Apr 10, 2016 at 10:53 AM UTC
Dear doctor, your goodbye
I am prescribed
to watch you
Perfidious dying star
Whose brilliant life
Dilated my eyes
A drug of promise
A Light on black water
I've been treading
And will tread
And will tread
Already nova
You disintegrate
Protracted
Yet instantaneously
Even as you sit so still
Composed while decomposing
Impossibly looking and
Not looking at me
Your disappearance is blinding
And massive
A denied inevitability
that quietly explodes me
Your nothingness
Crashes over me in waves
As I roll without direction beneath
Where the bottom used to be
Watch how easy it is
For you to take me apart
With your words
See my soft pieces writhe
mute on the floor
Disassembled
By a sentence
Betrayed by your mouth
Only my thoughts remain
Swimming aimlessly
Toward what is gone
Wanting to be known
Knowing they are hopeless
As cries underwater
tears on skin
Will evaporate
instantly
you will forget
their tiny sacrifices
Hundreds of brief lives
lived only
in your name
Hundreds of deaths for you
Miniature castaways
Of me
crying a siren's song
Sinking me further
Because it is my nature to
Give pieces of myself away
Trying to become complete
Until suddenly
I am gone entirely
Wanting to take you with me
Between the two of us
Someone is accidentally
A natural born killer
In the wake of
silent violence this
professional abandoning
is the collapse of gravity
of what I know
you know you mean to me
and then
you promise to never
ever
be my friend and
you will make sure
I will never ever
see you again
Subzero affect
forever treacherous end
this is the part when
i turn inside out
and self destruct in front of you
Spectacularly
as you watch -- help-less-ly
Intentionally not saving me
Because what you do for a living
is killing me
I will tire of treading water
Because everybody drifts away
And I am so heavy
And broken
built to drown
And your goodbye
is the fullest
Of endings
Pulling me down
Apr 6, 2016
Apr 6, 2016 at 3:26 PM UTC
The effects of poverty on children
&
The development of maladaptive behaviors
a.k.a survival instinct to
in victims of childhood abuse
&
In children of mothers with mental illness
See: Schizophrenia births ****** affective bipolar set-up borderline personality
&
Of Broken promises and
Of divorce
on toddlers
Subject to
Hypochondriacal
Dissociative identity disorder maniacal
Munchuasen syndrome
&
Development of anorexia in girls whose mothers
tell them they are fat
And not to eat
At the age of 3
And do not keep
food in the house
&
Of memory loss on survivors of ******
**** perpetual at brother's behest
Sibling rival/sociopath/hater
Initiate secrets to swallow later
Same same high school juvenile
English teacher hebophile
Lies beget lies with no adult supervision
Predators penetrate without permission
Especially favored males
above suspicion
Back to back with
Court ordered
reverse abduction
Too much too late
Overt overprotection
premature prepubescent
irreversible independence
****** up DNA lifetime sentence
Survivor guilt/too young to choose
Either way at 12 years old you lose
Tough love authoritarianism
Vs.
Prodromal adolescent survivalism
Now no court dare insist
which insanity trumps which
Coupled with
Biological mother "crazy" trash-talk
Teenage runaway as soon as she can walk
&
Development of trust issues
Normalized by chronic
neglect and abuse
Hyper vigilant of subtext
Double super mega
Abandonment complex
Stockholm syndrome and PTSD
Dissociation in abductees
(Comfortable with recreating tragedies)
Within exploded families
Where the truth is an accumulation
Of what is not acknowledged
diagnostic checklists
Symptoms life synopsis
Doctors office doctors office
Taper off, titraite this
between pages tranquillized
Quoth the holy DSM V
Artificial life artificial life
As dirt swept under the rug
So much dirt makes a pile
So big a pile makes a child
A child makes too much noise
Ignore her
Tell her to shut up
Make her shut up
She is a liar
Put her in the closet
Do not feed the girl child
She needs too much
She is too much
Takes up too much room
Even in the womb
It's ok if she goes away
If someone takes her one day
If she dies
If her brother wants to **** her
And tries
Pretend she is dead
Mother didn't do anything
Wrong after all
No proof
No evidence
Just a child never born
To steal the glow of
Psychosis from the flaming eyes
Of a mother crossed
Who also never saw adulthood coming
Through the delusions, the chaos
Inherent crime without cost
You can't blame us
Born and raised already lost
Generations of children
Who make bad adults
Potential unfulfilled
And it's nobody's fault.
Mar 13, 2016
Mar 13, 2016 at 12:03 PM UTC
No no no no no no no nononononoNONO
NONONONONONONOOOOOOOOOOOO
This is not...
You are not...
I did not...
Why is this... ?
How did I get...?
malfunction
againagainagainagain
since so so so far far far back back back when
confusionNOchaos
inside me
(Hyperventilating)
in the air around me between you and me in the place where we live
(Eyes shut tight/mute cry)
cant be there
where there is nowhere to hide
and the floor is hard
I can't not breathe quietly enough
to escape your mismatched feelings
I try to be small enough
like a flat dying cat under the couch
fearing what is next
what kind of horror will find me
in my own house
suddenly I am totally unsure of my
surroundings
I feel only my hot quick breath
close around me
a suffocating security blanket
two hands a mask
with no eye-holes
this must be some kind of sickness
I do not feel well or right or like I
usually feel
and there is the sound of monsters
I would rather not have this experience
of panic pain
imminent calamity
****** escape is not an option
mercy slams my body
familiar strange stiffness
euthanization dissociation
safety dissintegrates me into an illusion
making me invisible
just before the end
begins again
my repepeating oblivion
Mar 3, 2016
Mar 3, 2016 at 4:49 PM UTC
act like you dont see
you are walking right in front of me
carefully scripted in the dark
pretending you dont know
where you are
this place forgets everyone
before theyve gone
same same
done done
you are just as
especially worth
forgetting, side stepping
everyone brings in the dirt
smile smile
dance upon the hurt
laugh laugh
bring in the dirt
Feb 23, 2016
Feb 23, 2016 at 8:56 AM UTC
you are five minutes away
seven days a week
on the tip of my tongue
whenever i open my mouth to speak
you are my foil and my conscience
together in one breath
you tell me to say no
and you want me to say yes
you are both a boy and a man
pretending and sardonic
the best thing that is worst for me
you are entirely ironic
i dont want to escape you
i didnt realize i was running away
until i ran right into you
thinking i was going the other way
directions switch meaningless
all i know is i feel down lately
only because my face is wet
ive been crying evidently
you might know why having been my friend
you might know why having been my lover
you might know one of these has to end
but even i dont know one from the other
and maybe you kinda dont know either and
you read this so smilingly
and maybe you kinda understand
and that tear feels just perfectly
like my fingers slipping down your cheek
like they did that rightwrong day
like the salty taste of my mouth across teeth
under the green&white; doorway
i will think about that twenty seconds
until i see and see and see you again
wishing for twenty more last impressions
a song singing its refrain
Feb 23, 2016
Feb 23, 2016 at 8:14 AM UTC
you are a hedonist
selfish, you say
owing nothing
to no one
i agree, smiling,
because i watch you
not watching me
and it is my pleasure
that you do not care
until after
and even then
it is questionable
admittedly,
i am a *********
this way
looking to you for
what by nature
you can not give me
and with envy
as you give it to yourself
the more time i am there
and the more time i am not
i become unconvinced
of my easy complicty
my promises
my integrity
and before long
all too soon, in fact,
i am on the other side of up again
i am much like you
pleasure in pleasure
but without stamina
i can not maintain
seeing thru myself
being seen thru
not being seen at all
departing again
you knew i would
my kind, you said,
in jest
but there seems to be
honesty in everything you say
this is how you are not selfish
giving truth away
Feb 23, 2016
Feb 23, 2016 at 8:10 AM UTC
it matters that
i hold your hand
carefully in mine
feel wanted and feel like
i can walk away being
wanted at anytime
it matters that this hurts you
the chosen things that i do
turn on a dime
drop of a hat
whim of mine
curiosity...cat
the rest of you hapless muse
torturing my senses
beckon me to use you
constant and relentless
i stand here anonymous
a statue in a crowd
daydreaming oblivious
but for your shape shift in a cloud
the city would dizzy me
if i stopped to notice it
but nothing knocks me off my feet
harder than how soft you hit
i am destined to drift north
leave your true aim behind
my heart and hands grey and die off
when you finally give away what was mine
because i can not go on each day
knowing how much of you is left
to inspire someone else this way
another good, another better, another best
but i seem to go on writing
maybe restless, or out of doubt
maybe out of resentment, or spite
to get the rest of you out
Feb 23, 2016
Feb 23, 2016 at 8:06 AM UTC