he’s telling me about the girl at school
he can’t get out of his head,
and how he feels like
it’s always this chain of
"i don’t want all these people that want me,"
(i winced)
“and the one person i want doesn’t want me
in the same way.”
(i inhaled sharply)
i told him he’s overthinking it,
and when he asked, “how do you not?”
(i forgot to breathe)
my eyes got watery, but i blinked quickly
before they could settle
(i exhaled)
and replied,
“i'll let you know.”
Apr 29, 2019
Apr 29, 2019 at 11:43 PM UTC
it’s unsettling how many people i’ve had to beg to forget me, lately. how many i’ve tried to convince that i really am as insignificant as a stranger you made eye contact with for a moment at the stoplight. for so long i was begging so many people to stay, to keep holding onto me, even if it wasn’t in their best interest. all i wanted was to be selfishly adored. now all i want is to be left alone.
Apr 29, 2019
Apr 29, 2019 at 11:41 PM UTC
you didn’t like the way i answered the phone,
and you thought it was gross that i liked mushrooms on my pizza,
and you told me i was weird-looking when i was a kid,
and once i sent you a tattoo and you said you didn’t like it, you didn’t know they were my words that were written on her body
you told me what “too much damage” meant on halloween after all the trick-or-treaters had fallen asleep
and when i kept silent for three days after,
and winced at every kissing scene on television, because they flooded the insides of my eyelids with images that made me feel very small,
you said i was being unfair
because i was the one who decided we were just friends,
and i told you we weren’t, you knew we weren’t
we couldn’t be after what we used to be
i told you i still had feelings that hadn’t gone away yet,
you said they hadn’t gone away for you either
i pictured you holding my hand
but then you said,
“that’s why it’s easier to run from them
and hide in other girls beds.”
you always told me every thought
that popped into your head, and i used to find it endearing,
i kept telling myself that you deserved my ear,
but i really hope you have nothing more to say
because, i promise, i’m done listening
so clear off your bedside table, and cut the
blue string that’s wrapped around your wrist if you’ve yet to do so,
and stop asking me if i miss you,
because this is me saying
i don’t.
Apr 29, 2019
Apr 29, 2019 at 11:41 PM UTC
You told me how love is only a feeling and how you can’t express that for me, and thats why I winced at the kissing scenes in movies because you know how to make me feel very small.
I am forgotten Sunday’s in the middle of winter.
I am old shoe strings beaten and falling apart.
But I’m not the girl boys take home to meet their mothers, I am hidden away on train rides to the city.
I am not the girl that you would have a picture of folded up in your wallet
But i am a song that is stuck in your head at 4am,
but it will remind you of somebody else.
Jul 9, 2018
Jul 9, 2018 at 6:31 PM UTC
you wait for it to come
that aching feeling,
that sinking feeling
like waking up
after running a marathon
you didn’t train for;
like all the ocean is
in your lungs
but then you take a breath
another one, another one
until all of the sky is
in your lungs
and after a very, very
long winter
of bitter snow and
frostbitten feeling
the sun hits you
just barely
just enough to turn
your skin a shade
of golden
and everything
is okay
Jul 8, 2018
Jul 8, 2018 at 12:56 AM UTC
one day
it will be easy to breathe
my lungs will inhale flowers
and honey
it will be second nature
like riding a bicycle
like tying a shoe
like swallowing a pill
and i will hold on
tightly and
with shaking hands
until then
Jul 8, 2018
Jul 8, 2018 at 12:55 AM UTC
i have forgotten
to linger
in love
with you
in a past life
wanting only
to be found worthy
of your affection
revere your touch as holy
like goosebumps
in the italian sun
to write melodies
and ballads
and captions
not of purity, not of beauty
but of how you make me feel
forget all the rest
all the fighting
all the ugly
all the words
we didn’t mean
for i am ill
when you are not around
and it is poetic enough
that you are broken
yet you are
what makes me whole
Jul 8, 2018
Jul 8, 2018 at 12:55 AM UTC
Tuesday 4:24 pm
I woke up in a hospital bed, my wrists are in restraints.
I was told I had taken three and a half Xanax and I attempted to swallowed a bottle of Trazodone.
IVs were in my arms.
an overweight woman taking my blood pressure (it was low).
I remember looking over at my mom shaking her head whispering something to my dad. I wish I knew what they were talking about. I wish the pills had done their job.
rewind
Monday 9:09 pm
I feel the weight, the burning of his skin rubbing against my raw legs
I feel him contort my body into positions I didn't know were possible.
He pushed my face into his bed sheets,
suffocating me, I tried to moan for him to get off of me.
I woke up to a police officer shaking me- asking where
my clothes were. I wish I could have formed a sentence in that moment,
But all I could mutter from my lips was
"where am I?"
"what happened to me?'
I was brought out into the brisk March night, to see my father with his face in his palms shaking. Why was he crying?
What was so wrong.
Fast forward
Tuesday 6:02 am
I woke up the next morning in my bed- my ******* alarm blaring.
I had never been in so much pain mentally,
physically. I could still feel him inside me.
I threw on an old shirt and a pair of sweatpants laying on the floor.
Making my way to the bathroom I saw where he left his mark on me
my neck bruised from his teeth.
traces of his fingertips digging into my skin still lingered on my *******
I remember walking out of school that Tuesday,
puking in the garbage can and sitting in my dads car as he drove me home.
Fast forward 4:26 pm
My doctor informed my parents my system was clean, that I could go home.
M, you asked me to have dinner with you and your grandparents.
It was supposed to be a harmless night- but that wasn't your intention with me, no you wanted to strip me from my dignity,
show me off to the world without my consent,
but that wasn't the only situation I didn't consent to with you.
r.h. (March 21, 2018)
May 21, 2018
May 21, 2018 at 10:03 PM UTC
I wish I could tell you exactly how I felt in that exact moment
The sinking feeling
The idea I wasn’t enough.
I’m so sorry I couldn’t be enough for you in that moment
But I’m here
I’m craving you
Your voice
Your smile
Your mind.
It’s not fair that I’m so far from you.
I wish I was closer and maybe
Things would be different
Maybe I’m overthinking everything
Maybe I’m too broken for you,
But you are the only
One who seems to understand
To understand my thoughts
My emotions
My stance on this world.
I miss the time you would pick up
The phone on the second ring
Now it feels like an eternity
Listening to your voicemail
I do wish I was stronger
More confident
I wish I had gone to see you
I’m sorry I wasn’t enough in that moment
Please try to understand that I need you
To be patient with me.
I’m broken
Beaten
Alone. But you don’t make me feel alone.
You made me feel loved
Except for the night I sat on my bathroom floor shaking
While I listened to
Your voice when my
Call went straight to voicemail.
r.h. (Patient)
May 9, 2018
May 9, 2018 at 9:21 PM UTC
If you care about someone, don’t hurt them. If someone is in a relationship don’t ruin it. If someone is hurting comfort them. If someone trusts you, don’t break that trust. If someone is in love, don’t make them feel less that worthy to be loved back. If you love your best friend tell them. If someone needs a hand to hold then hold it as tight as you can- because at any moment they can start slipping away from you and it won’t be their fault. It isn’t their fault they felt less than worthy. It isn’t their fault they cry sometimes. It’s not their fault that they need to be comforted. What isn’t okay is when the someone puts all their trust and love into someone else and they go and break it. It isn’t okay to watch your best friend cry because you took away their sunshine. It isn’t ******* okay to take away someone’s reason for getting up in the mornings. It’s not okay to make someone feel like this.
Jan 23, 2018
Jan 23, 2018 at 3:59 PM UTC