I never cry anymore. Maybe it's the pills, maybe it's my indifference to pain.
But yesterday I cried in your bed.
And it was not because you made me sad, but because you made me feel.
Your hands questioned the ice in my heart,
Your voice thawing it with your words.
I do not know what to write about you,
except to say,
You fill the gaps where emptiness creeps in.
Mar 23, 2015
Mar 23, 2015 at 2:54 AM UTC
And if I were being honest with myself,
I'd say how much I miss him,
Draw his fingers on my notebook.
If I were feeling brave enough,
I'd tell you about the colour of his bare skin,
tell you how beautiful he was when the light poured in.
If I could bear to think about it,
I'd crawl through the spaces in my head, where love leaked in,
And stay a while.
If I were being honest with myself,
I'd admit how
I was actually on the brink
of giving him my love
or
that i did.
I'd paint his picture,
late at night in my room
he sitting in the sunlight facing me like god.
But --
I'm working a lot these days, trying to save for a car,
and there's no time for this sadness,
or so i tell myself.
and I'm filling my nights with grey smoke
and big groups of people,
or quiet reading.
And if i were being honest with myself,
beyond the layers of love,
I'd tell you about how underneath,
there is a tired heart,
and how it's little rivers of gold
are slowly fading.
Feb 15, 2015
Feb 15, 2015 at 4:41 AM UTC
waking up today,
remembering my great loss
I go back to sleep.
Jan 28, 2015
Jan 28, 2015 at 9:29 AM UTC
He is my rock,
my calm blue sea.
He is the lighthouse
who's light guides me.
But my element is fire,
hot to the touch,
and I need somebody,
who burns just as much.
Dec 9, 2014
Dec 9, 2014 at 7:12 AM UTC
I could not afford
your love -
it came with anxiety
and,
feeling small.
And even though
it came with the promise of
(shooting stars)
It was
not enough
compared to the love
I was yet to give myself
and for it
I had to be
Free.
Sep 21, 2014
Sep 21, 2014 at 7:32 AM UTC
And the way the sun
shines through the treetops
makes me cry.
And you hold me, and say,
'There, There'
and I smile
and we dance,
not slow,
but like madmen tasting the rain.
And the sun goes down,
but we don't stop
until
our legs give way
and we collapse
in love bundles and watch the
pinpricks in the sky
dance for us.
This gift
A Quiet Place Together (We Go)
Will never run out
even if
We Do.
Sep 21, 2014
Sep 21, 2014 at 7:30 AM UTC
Why -
I am without.
Death
has no personal reason
nor does
Love
that leaves.
And nobody
is punishing me
And nobody
is watching over me -
we do not get
what we deserve
we just have to make the best
of what we are given
and what we
aren't.
(And I am not a failure.)
Sep 21, 2014
Sep 21, 2014 at 7:29 AM UTC
A great sadness creeps into my room each morning
A sadness propelled forward by my waking to your silence.
I lay there,
listening,
though I'm never sure for what
until I remember -
once in this house lived another.
And I pad softly down the hallway
making my breakfast routinely -
porridge on the stove top, kettle boiling for tea.
Feeding my dog,
sitting down to watch t.v.
When did my mornings commence to be this?
When did I stop waking
to the smell of burnt toast
or to the sound of a running tap?
When did my mornings become so hollow
and so picturesquely lonely?
In every morning making breakfast
when the kettle boils and i don't offer you tea
a great sadness comes upon me
and I sit at the table in silence,
listening to the tap
drip
drip
drip
and nobody comes down the stairs.
Jul 21, 2014
Jul 21, 2014 at 3:08 AM UTC
I know many boys,
of whom I am fond.
Like a diamond that's been smashed and scattered over fields
They all have
something special.
But you were
The Philosopher's Stone.
Apr 26, 2014
Apr 26, 2014 at 9:21 AM UTC
Last night I dreamt of you
and we made love for the last time.
And keeping true to your habit
of making me feel like I was a sacred creature of nature
you looked into my eyes
and exclaimed
‘wow’.
And it awoke in me
those aching and burning edges in my chest
where you used to be
And so I know that today
no matter the weather the world will feel grey.
And maybe this is our goodbye.
So I’ll go to that place
where you and I are frozen in time
where the sun sets
and I smile
because you’re holding my hand
and the warmth
is like God.
Maybe this is our goodbye.
Apr 14, 2014
Apr 14, 2014 at 10:31 AM UTC