Today I lie in bed
Wondering if there will come a day,
when I will no longer shudder at your glance,
when my skin will no longer crawl
just at the sight of you
of you looking at me
See, I have this fear
that my skin
will always be soiled by your touch
that my lips
will always burn from your kiss
that my heart
will always hurt from your love
that my mind
will be always scarred from your words
See, I have this fear
that my next love will love me how you did
that my next love will hurt me how you did
that my next love will abuse me emotionally and verbally
how you did
how you made me lesser
how you took from me
and gave nothing in return
See, I have this fear.
But lately as I lay in my bed
I've begun to realize that one day
my skin will be fresh and new
and it will be skin you have never touched
that my lips will have peeled
and they will be lips you have never kissed
that my heart will have replaced the broken pieces
and it will never have been loved by you
See, I have this dream.
That one day I will be loved by a man
Who never thought of me
how you thought of me
Who will love me
how you never loved me
Who will kiss me
how you never kissed me
And that recovery will make me
A person you will have never known.
Jul 16, 2018
Jul 16, 2018 at 10:22 PM UTC
Don't you dare act like what you did
is why I'm where I'm at today.
Don't you dare act like your decision to leave
is why I found somebody better.
It was my decisions,
my choices,
my hard work,
that got me here.
I'm the one who pulled myself back up
after you left.
I'm the one who wiped away the tears
that you caused.
I'm the one who laced up my boots
and got myself back into action.
If it hadn't been for ME,
I would be where you left me
and not where I'm at today.
Don't you dare think you were more
than just a stop along the way.
Mar 6, 2017
Mar 6, 2017 at 7:19 PM UTC
You can ignore me,
but remember that you once loved me.
Yes, it hurts me sometimes,
but then I remember what you've done.
Taking screenshots of my loyal love,
and making fun of me for my feelings.
Thinking my heart was just a pawn,
a pawn in a board game that you'll forget about.
This bitterness against you isn't me being a crazy ex girlfriend,
it's me being human and having feelings.
I just don't understand how you could tell me that you loved me,
but leave me for the girl whom you told me you couldn't stand,
and do this all in one day.
Feb 26, 2017
Feb 26, 2017 at 1:18 AM UTC
"What do you do with the anger?"
pause
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"I mean, what do you do with the anger?"
pause
I never thought about it that way. The anger that builds up fuel inside of us, the everlasting flame, what do we do with it? What do we do with the inextinguishable flame? This flame that burns inside of us from the day we are born until the day we pass, this flame that burns all in its path - what do we do with it?
"I don't know," I respond. "I never realized just how much it effects my life."
"Find something to do with it. Find somewhere to channel it. Find something to control it - or let go of it. Let the fire burn out. Anger is not a fire that keeps you warm, it is a fire that consumes you. It will consume you if you let it. Be free of it," he said. "Let it go and never look back."
Feb 26, 2017
Feb 26, 2017 at 1:04 AM UTC
Your arms might be the only
I will ever feel at home in
Your arms might be the only
I will ever be alone in
Your heart might be the only
that will ever keep me lonely
Your heart might be the only
that will ever keep me going
Your heart, your arms,
your love, your touch
you leave, I weep
I see you sleep
Peaceful and sound,
not another moment to be found
You've torn me apart
and dream as though
you don't hear the sounds
of my tears on the floor
Your arms were the only I will ever feel at home in
Feb 23, 2017
Feb 23, 2017 at 10:59 PM UTC
When his lips met mine,
When I gave in to this other guy,
it all felt wrong.
His skin burnt my skin,
my hands burnt in his grip.
it all felt wrong.
There was nothing there anymore,
nothing there for me to want.
I thought maybe I could get over you.
I'll do to him what you did to me.
But it didn't turn out that way.
Because I wanted to tell him no,
to tell him I'm in love with someone else
to tell him he can go to hell.
But I realized something.
I realize that no matter how many times I say that I love you,
that I'm in love you,
that I want nobody else to know me how you do,
that none of it changes the way that you feel.
How you're never going to love anybody ever again.
How you don't want to love me,
how you want to deny me.
And no matter if I see that you do love me,
you'll deny it.
So when his skin burnt my skin,
I let it burn.
I did not try to extinguish it.
Because you wouldn't care if he had me or not.
But once he left, I fell into my own arms.
I fell into my own arms, and I cried.
Because he will never matter to me.
Because no matter how badly he wants me,
I do not want him.
I want you.
My tears fell, and I held myself.
Because you weren't there to hold me,
and you never will be able to.
Feb 23, 2017
Feb 23, 2017 at 10:44 PM UTC
Depression, anxiety
and everything in between
these are the things that trouble me
these are the things that burden me
these are the things that destroy me
I've always avoided asking for help.
The thought that I might have to ask somebody for help...
it made me feel lesser,
it made me feel weaker,
it made me feel stupid.
I mean how can a human being who is supposed to be so smart,
need help with something?
at least that's what I've always told myself.
I've always told myself that if I needed help I didn't do it right,
I didn't listen well enough,
I didn't try hard enough.
I didn't try.
If I need help, I shouldn't bother asking.
Because you can't fix broken.
But today, I realized something else.
I'm not afraid of asking for help.
Sure, I can take advice and I can listen well,
and I can get good grades and I can work real hard.
I go to therapy every week.
I always think that it's helping.
But then I have a breakdown again. And it breaks me down.
I have to scream, I can't breathe, I have to cry, I have to sob.
I feel like my insides are being ripped out.
I feel like there's a demon inside me
that is constantly trying to get out.
That's what my panic attacks and anxiety attacks are like.
But every week, I go to my therapist and I tell him I'm doing fine.
Because he asked me how I'm doing, and I'm doing fine.
But I am not fine.
I think I'm so afraid
of asking for help,
*because what if you can't help me?*
Feb 23, 2017
Feb 23, 2017 at 10:43 PM UTC
I know her eyes, I know her eyes, I know her eyes.
I've stared into them for every hour of every day, I've carried her in my heart, in my soul.
I know her eyes.
They aren't the same.
They aren't ablaze.
They are not her eyes.
I've stared at the glassy exterior that covers her eyes, I've stared at the round cheeks and the thin hands. I've stared at the soft appearance of her skin and I regret every hour of every day for all the moments I lose not being able to hold her.
I carried her for months, supporting her until she could breathe and once she started taking those breaths, everything went wrong.
And she was gone.
I stare into the pictures of her for hours every moment that I can but still, it's not enough. it's never enough.
And I regret each and every day that I can't hold her, that I can't stare into her big, round, hazel eyes; and there's a new she now, one who's eyes aren't hazel, one who's skin doesn't look as soft, one who was able to breathe right and still continues to. And I guess it's a blessing but it feels like a curse, because I know her eyes and they are not the same.
Feb 23, 2017
Feb 23, 2017 at 10:43 PM UTC
And so, she said
"There will be pain tonight,
an unbelievable amount of pain
that not even the stars know as they supernova,
that not even the earth knows
as it's land is torn in two by quakes,
that not even the sky knows
as it is ripped apart by lightening.
It is a pain that is unleashed from the very depths of the soul
and leaves the thinnest traces of its mark
on the exterior of the human body.
"It is a constant torrential downpour,
a constant tsunami of grief;
it is a pain that will be known
by the most fearsome of men.
It is a wrath that lashes its victims,
leaving nothing in its remains."
Feb 23, 2017
Feb 23, 2017 at 10:31 PM UTC
It's here again.
panic panic panic panic
Each breath a stab in the lungs,
making me feel breathless.
My heart pumping, thumping, pumping.
Blood rushing through the veins faster than before,
chasing the adrenaline
which was rushing to spread throughout my body.
My brain is moving a mile a minute,
racing my thoughts to the finish line.
I'm shaking now, I can't feel my hands.
Is this what it's like to join the dance?
I've heard a lot about it,
they often call it a tango.
You're dancing with the devil,
he's run his nail down your arm and spread his poison
I'm having a panic attack.
panic panic panic panic panic panic
Breathe deep. Breathe deep. Breathe.
Take a breath.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe deep.
Breaths I take.
Take a breath.
Take my life.
No, wait that's not right.
I'm dancing with the devil tonight.
Afterall, who doesn't like the tango?
Feb 23, 2017
Feb 23, 2017 at 10:18 PM UTC