what do i write?
when theres so much to do
so much to recall
so many life lessons to translate into poetry
so many daydreams
nightmares to write of
so i end up not writing anything
nothing meaningful at least
its 3am so why the **** not
write, write, write about nothing
nothing about what happened last night
how my bed feels weird to be in now
how my eyes hurt from staring at a screen for too long
how i made stupid choices that i regret
but i know id do it all again
because stupid choices make life funny
and i learn stuff
or whatever, i mostly just say that to lie to myself to justify said choices.
i read about famous sociologists today
and genuinely enjoyed it
i want to be that big
to be written about
seen, honored, talked about
but mostly i just wanna sleep.
can i become like them without driving myself mad?
do i truly want to be like them?
or did i just mean it in principle?
if it would drive me mad, is it worth it?
would i be ready to give uo my peace and mental okay-ness?
my rest days and weeks?
what do i even want
i dont really know
i guess thats on being young
or whatever
im falling asleep
3d ago
Jun 1, 2026 at 8:57 PM UTC
Im sensitive
there i said it
i get hurt easily
i pretend not to care
but on the inside im bruised
red green and blue.
I can be happier than ever
joyful, confident,
but all it takes is one thought
or 3, or 6, they just keep coming
knocking down my card castle of defenses
this, this is why i cry over small problems
because its never the small problems
they just happen to be the one that tips over the teetering tower of stress
whehter im sensitive
or theres something deeper beneath it
im fragile and i hate it
dont get me wrong,
my empathy and softness are some of my best qualities
my refusal to harden and change even under the most pressure
no matter how many times i break, i will remain breakeable, sensitive
because i refuse to lose myself under 30 layers of walls
so maybe i have a weakness
but at least i know it
May 20
May 20, 2026 at 4:54 PM UTC
People here make me insecure
The way they know what they want, they ooze confidence and money
Laughing loudly
I laugh with them, pretending
But my throat tightens and my stomach hurts
Because I don't belong
How could I ever belong?
Technically, I belong
I'm in the center of the it group
All the most popular, most successful people
It's an honor for me to be there
Yet, when I'm with them, I feel like l'm less
Surely I don't belong
I don't want to belong
Because under the shiny confident covers
I know they're insecure
I know P has body dismorphia and has attachment issues
I know B is insecure, of his arms and the way he doesn't truly feel like he belongs
Or maybe he does now, I wouldn't know
I know F only dates ******** because she doesn't think she deserves better
I don't know the rest of them well, but if I did manage to get closer, and peel down the layers of walls they have I think I know what l'd find
Inside of all of them, all of us is a scared, insecure child
Because at the end of the day, we are children
Most of us, anyways
There are people who don't make me feel bad though
S, D, T sometimes, I never feel like I'm less than them for studying less
For not knowing yet, who I am and who Im becoming
May 19
May 19, 2026 at 6:39 PM UTC
I said i would, i know, i promised
theres just this feeling i cant shake
i know she wouldnt judge me,
and its not like were a secret
or that im embarrased of you
well, not in that way
basically: i dont know why i havent told her
whether its fear of judgement, the awkwardness of bringing up something like this, or simply not having the words to describe what we are
either way, im sorry
not to you, because i dont think you care
im sorry to myself, for being so afraid
that i cant even be honest with the person whos job is to help me
May 19
May 19, 2026 at 7:59 AM UTC
Hunger is when I look at you on the tram
Sitting across from me
I hold your hand, but I can’t do much more
When that already feels risky
My eyes trail down your neck
The soft skin on the nape of your neck
The sounds you make when I kiss you there
It’s driving me insane
Down your collarbones, your chest
That I have bruised over and over again
Much to your amusement
That one spot on the side, how beautiful you were when your body arched into mine and your hand subconsciously pushed my head lower
Your soft, sweet stomach
The source of many of your insecurities, I know
But I hope you know how much I worship your body
Not because of the way it’s shaped, from skipped meals and regular workouts
I don’t worship the shape of your waist, or the number on the scale that torments you so much
I worship the way your skin feels under my fingers
The way your body molds to mine so perfectly
The sounds you make
And the way you hold me close as I sleep
May 18
May 18, 2026 at 7:57 PM UTC
Do you realize how lucky you are?
How lucky you are, to never have to let go of their hand when you step into a room
How lucky you are, to not have to wait until the safety of their house to finally kiss them
How lucky you are that nobody ever debates whether you should be allowed to love each other
How lucky you are that you don't have to look up whether you're allowed to exist in a country while traveling
How lucky you are to freely adopt kids, and to never have anyone question your ability to raise them simply because of who you are
Do you know how lucky you were, to never feel like your love is wrong?
May 18
May 18, 2026 at 7:45 PM UTC
"because if i find out that i didnt get in and i wasted 19 years of my life, i will literally **** myself"
hearing these words hurt.
because how can you call childhood a waste?
lazy teenage summers, concerts and nights out?
or am i the foolish one?
maybe ill regret it one day
not locking in more in high school
maybe whether or not i go to cambridge WILL determine my life
and whether i achieve anything
but even if we have different goals
i refuse to accept this mindset
my mind recoils at the thought of it
because i know its the school system she grew up in thats speaking these words
and i know its not her
but how do i help?
i dont know what to do
so i just laugh it off, and look concerned
but deep down it hurts
because were just kids
and your teenage years shouldnt determine the rest of your life
and if thats not true
i hate this system for making us feel like it does
May 17
May 17, 2026 at 3:38 PM UTC
sunday night mental breakdowns
a weekly ritual at this point
becaue i cant take another week.
i pretend its alright -
that i open my laptop the second i get home
and close it at 10pm
rushing to go to bed on time
so i can start again the next day
every day, i go through the ritual
every week, i await the weekend
busy saturdays
and silent sundays
but the silence is never silent
i always end up in the same place
the same app
the same feeling
the same thoughts.
i cant keep going like this
and i know its just the sunday night pessimism
or am i just out of the
systems of propoganda i built for myself?
to keep working for some invisible goal
to never stop until... until what?
May 17
May 17, 2026 at 3:30 PM UTC
the cabin smells like ****
and my brain is slower than the train
one small comment - thats all it took
for my good mood, my confidence to vanish
not even hateful, or mean, or offensive
but im sensitive with this
and i cant handle thinking im in the wrong
id love to spiral a bit longer
but grant applications are due
May 16
May 16, 2026 at 11:04 AM UTC
words dont work out for me,
my phone fell from my bed, hit the floor with a clang
and the silence feels deadly.
what happened to me, in the weeks i was gone?
i went from writing each day
to barely being able to write a few times
with zero rhythm, zero rhymes
(not that my poems before had a lof of those)
but nonetheless, im back,
worse than ever poetically, but im back
maybe its her? im contradicting myself by being with her
its all a big lie, and my system cant handle lies
May 14
May 14, 2026 at 5:38 PM UTC