noahtheboy - Hello Poetry

i always find myself explaining why am i always explaining explaining explaining as if i have to justify each little thought any brief phrase the slightest movement in anticipation of being questioned i answer what they were never even going to ask am i really so used to everyone not believing me? that explanation has become an impulse that is impossible to deny the terror of who-knows-what creeps up my left arm until it's weighed down by lead it seeps into my blood and my brain poisoning me now communication doesn't work and then communication doesn't work it soaks into my bones never letting me forget these habits i've learned years later remembering to leech out just enough of the remaining toxin to keep me stuck in my old ways stuck explaining explaining explaining

0

Jun 15, 2021

Jun 15, 2021 at 3:36 PM UTC

noahtheboy

explaining

i always find myself explaining why am i always explaining explaining explaining as if i have to justify each little thought any brief phrase the slightest movement in anticipation of being questioned i answer what they were never even going to ask am i really so used to everyone not believing me? that explanation has become an impulse that is impossible to deny the terror of who-knows-what creeps up my left arm until it's weighed down by lead it seeps into my blood and my brain poisoning me now communication doesn't work and then communication doesn't work it soaks into my bones never letting me forget these habits i've learned years later remembering to leech out just enough of the remaining toxin to keep me stuck in my old ways stuck explaining explaining explaining

36

i do not feel safe on the fifth floor with all the windows locked and two turns of the deadbolt don't forget the chair under the door i do not feel safe walking home from the grocery store in this horribly gentrified neighborhood at 4pm on a sunny saturday afternoon i do not feel safe handing over my clothes to someone else i know they have to be washed i've gone too long already but i bite my lip until my belongings are back in my line of sight i do not feel safe alone in zoom office hours with my camera off how can i be hurt through a screen? but it never reassures me i do not feel safe when the electrician comes to fix the circuit i called it an electric circle he does not look at me that way the way that makes me sit in the backseat of my own mind but i cringe when he looks at me at all they call it hypervigilance vigilance from latin vigilare "be watchful" i am watchful, watchful, watchful maybe that's why i cant fall asleep.

0

Apr 24, 2021

Apr 24, 2021 at 8:18 PM UTC

noahtheboy

i do not feel safe

i do not feel safe on the fifth floor with all the windows locked and two turns of the deadbolt don't forget the chair under the door i do not feel safe walking home from the grocery store in this horribly gentrified neighborhood at 4pm on a sunny saturday afternoon i do not feel safe handing over my clothes to someone else i know they have to be washed i've gone too long already but i bite my lip until my belongings are back in my line of sight i do not feel safe alone in zoom office hours with my camera off how can i be hurt through a screen? but it never reassures me i do not feel safe when the electrician comes to fix the circuit i called it an electric circle he does not look at me that way the way that makes me sit in the backseat of my own mind but i cringe when he looks at me at all they call it hypervigilance vigilance from latin vigilare "be watchful" i am watchful, watchful, watchful maybe that's why i cant fall asleep.

36

i write poems in my head poems ill never put down on paper poems that are as sad as they are poorly-written i narrate documentaries in my head scenes from my life that I'll never film scenes that are more terrifying than aesthetic i create art pieces in my head drawings depicting the feelings I'll never articulate drawings that I'll never have the skill to actually make i write songs in my head songs ill never dare to sing aloud songs with lyrics that haunt my subconscious i tell the truth in my head truths that have never passed through my vocal cords truths will only ever be scribbled in journals nobody will ever read the difference between imagining and daydreaming is hope

0

May 7, 2020

May 7, 2020 at 1:06 AM UTC

noahtheboy

never

i write poems in my head poems ill never put down on paper poems that are as sad as they are poorly-written i narrate documentaries in my head scenes from my life that I'll never film scenes that are more terrifying than aesthetic i create art pieces in my head drawings depicting the feelings I'll never articulate drawings that I'll never have the skill to actually make i write songs in my head songs ill never dare to sing aloud songs with lyrics that haunt my subconscious i tell the truth in my head truths that have never passed through my vocal cords truths will only ever be scribbled in journals nobody will ever read the difference between imagining and daydreaming is hope

16

the sun set before I left school today I saw it escaping me from the train platform hiding behind the horizon its colder now

0

Nov 4, 2019

Nov 4, 2019 at 8:32 PM UTC

noahtheboy

sunset

the sun set before I left school today I saw it escaping me from the train platform hiding behind the horizon its colder now

4

it is simply astonishing how quickly i go from feeling like fairytale magic with you to feeling like the world's biggest disgrace the magic fades and we are left with these harsh words in this harsh world the pixie dust is simply dust the costumes have lost their meaning the acting is only words and movement and the joy becomes a distant unreachable place one i feel i am no longer permitted to travel to the world has closed it's gates heaven doesn't want me hell doesn't need me so im stuck in the inbetween with the ghosts and spirits and demons and im all theirs nobody to save me or protect me i watch, invisible, a blowing in the wind and i reveal to myself how little my presence is wanted or needed how little i am wanted or needed

0

May 9, 2018

May 9, 2018 at 10:10 PM UTC

noahtheboy

wind

it is simply astonishing how quickly i go from feeling like fairytale magic with you to feeling like the world's biggest disgrace the magic fades and we are left with these harsh words in this harsh world the pixie dust is simply dust the costumes have lost their meaning the acting is only words and movement and the joy becomes a distant unreachable place one i feel i am no longer permitted to travel to the world has closed it's gates heaven doesn't want me hell doesn't need me so im stuck in the inbetween with the ghosts and spirits and demons and im all theirs nobody to save me or protect me i watch, invisible, a blowing in the wind and i reveal to myself how little my presence is wanted or needed how little i am wanted or needed

31

when the image in the mirror is not familiar. when your sleeves are long because you're terrified if you look that your arms simply won't be attached to your hands. when the world looks like a bad abstract painting and when the paint starts running. when the frame isn't straight or even a shape and no lines are quite straight. when words go sdrawkcab and your mouth refuses to cooperate with the shapes required and the sounds come out warped. when you seem closer and more caring because I am capital F ****** and the love swirls in with the pity. when the world is wrong and not even you can make it right.

0

Feb 27, 2018

Feb 27, 2018 at 1:51 AM UTC

noahtheboy

make it right

when the image in the mirror is not familiar. when your sleeves are long because you're terrified if you look that your arms simply won't be attached to your hands. when the world looks like a bad abstract painting and when the paint starts running. when the frame isn't straight or even a shape and no lines are quite straight. when words go sdrawkcab and your mouth refuses to cooperate with the shapes required and the sounds come out warped. when you seem closer and more caring because I am capital F ****** and the love swirls in with the pity. when the world is wrong and not even you can make it right.

17