I am sad. I am lonely.
I am anxious. I am scared.
I am useless.
If someone asked me "what do you like to do?"
I'd have nothing to say
Because all I do is listen to music and scroll through Instagram like a loser
Picture of that one girl group that have been friends since elementary, scroll.
Selfie of a girl who I used to know, scroll.
Picture of a girl and her boyfriend at the beach, look at it
Scroll.
God, I wish that were me.
It makes me want to pull out my hair when I realize how
talentless
and stupid
I am
I want to be part of that cool kid group. But they never glance my way.
I want to date someone, but I've hardly ever been in a real relationship.
Who could love me?
Who would love me?
But it will never happen,
at least not what I fantasize about;
the romantic in me.
Holding hands, they walk me to class.
But no, stop, I am too afraid.
And I am not beautiful.
And I've never kissed anyone
I'd been close, once, but it was at a middle
school dance and I said "no"
But maybe I regret that now.
I remember I gave that boy a polaroid of myself,
feeling as if I was in a movie
I wonder where it is now.
But a first kiss,
I wanted to save it for someone special
but that'll never happen now
Nobody would want to kiss me,
let alone someone "special"
I am just so afraid
But I want love
love
love
love
Why has that been the only thing I've looked for my entire life?
I can't even make friends
How will I get a lover?
The word lover, I hate it
I listen to sad songs about love,
and feel their sadness as well
How? I don't know
Laying on my bed,
staring at the ceiling,
I wish I could be someone else
Someone who could be loved
and not manipulated, like I
so easily am
Why do I attract narcissists?
And people who use me
I just want to find someone,
someone true
Is that so impossible?
For me, I suppose it is
The only reason someone would love me
is because I can never say
"No"
or get into a fight. Because I'd be scared
Scared they'd leave me
Because all I am good at is being nice and
never say no
And that's the only reason someone would want
me
I can't play hard to get, I don't think I ever will be able to
I don't want to be me.
I don't want to be so afraid.
I don't want to be so unlovable.
I don't, I don't, I don't
I could go on forever.
Sometimes I try to think of my future
but I can't think of anything at all
It's just a blank spot in my brain.
I don't know anything, it's so sad
Now that high school is almost over,
I feel I have wasted it.
It was nothing like the movies I watched in
middle school.
It's wasted, there's nothing I can do
I'll never get asked to prom,
no one I like will like me back
I'll never have a best friend
I know it
I know it.
I want to be in a tiny studio apartment,
looking out into the city at night,
watching the people below my window
Knowing I could never be that
Have fun like that
Without worrying and feeling disgusted
with myself.
Am I really that unlovable?
I'd hope not,
but I know it's true
If only I could be a regular teenager.
Everyday feels the same.
I get excited on Fridays, but why?
To sleep in?
I have no friends to do anything with,
no plans
I always wanted to feel included
but I know it'll never happen,
I'll never be part of a big friend group
or even a small one
All the ones I've had, we went our separate ways
And it's too late now,
Too late now.
I just want love, it's all I've ever looked for
And to be that girl I always wanted to be
But even that girl, I don't know her either
All I know is that she is beautiful
Unlike me.
Nov 1, 2019
Nov 1, 2019 at 9:05 PM UTC
you're not actually french
obviously
you were just in my french class
and my friend and i
came up with that silly name
last year,
i felt like,
maybe
i had a crush on you
and if you ever found this
and knew it was about you
from me
i'd be so embarrassed
not because you'd know i might've
crushed on you,
but because i'm writing about
a boy who never thinks of me
but does anyone?
i don't know why i'm making this
so sad
it was hardly a crush
and you have a girlfriend
you flirted with me,
god it wasn't even flirting
i'm delusional,
but whatever you did,
you did it
and you said hi to me
and you were cute
i wasn't sure if i really liked you though
or if i was just lonely
and i guess we'll never know
because my feelings are gone
well
mostly
now i'm just thinking how
after this year,
i'll never see you again
and you won't say bye
we're not friends
so i'll just have to suffice
and wonder if we could've been anything
(not)
au revoir
Nov 1, 2019
Nov 1, 2019 at 7:55 PM UTC
i was a freshman
you were a senior
you didn't know me,
i didn't know you
but for some reason
i was infatuated
with you
you weren't even that cute,
i just, for some reason
i couldn't stop thinking about you
i got so sad about you
and i remember we would pass each other
in the hall
three times a day
and each time i would get
so nervous
i don't know why
you made me so anxious
and sad
why?
i will never know that myself
this infatuation with you,
it was so confusing
i will never understand it
and then came sticky june,
sunflower dresses and dr martens
and you left
of course you left,
you were a senior
and i was so sad about that
for some reason
i would never see you again,
i guess that's why
but at the same time i was
relieved
because you made me so nervous
i'm sorry,
senior boy
you never knew me
and i never knew you
but i still think of you
sometimes,
andrew
Nov 1, 2019
Nov 1, 2019 at 7:48 PM UTC
sometimes i think of the people i knew then
people who no longer think of me,
but i think of them
and those few experiences i had
with people and things
that changed my perspective on life
forever
i remember feeling alone
as alone as i feel now?
that's something i can't answer
in 9th grade,
i wanted to be someone else
i always did
but then i met a girl
her name i'll not say
because then it will feel too real,
and it won't just be me glorifying the worst year of my life
into poetry
this girl will never be erased from my mind
she doesn't know the impact she had on me
she doesn't know how much i secretly
hated her
but i loved her, too
it was bittersweet
i had wanted to be her friend since the 7th grade
and then i was
and then i wasn't
i smoked my first cigarette with her
well, not really
i mean, i tried to
i felt awful
disgusting
terrible
and a wannabe
then, in the sticky heat of june,
we smoked ****
i can still remember it so vividly
i remember
we got back to her house
and that's where things went downhill
i got paranoid and she started to ignore me
does she hate me?
yeah.
and that was it
next morning, she didn't really talk to me
and then i left
that was the last time i saw her
i wasn't sad
but i realize now that
i'll never have a friend like her
ever again
and i'll never experience something like
9th grade
ever again
because now i am numb and
alone
i just want to be a regular teen
go to parties,
have fun,
i don't know,
whatever happens in the movies
i guess
i want someone to love me
i want my first kiss
i want things i'm too embarrassed to say
and i will never get them
i'll never get them
goodbye 9th grade
i want to forget you
but i don't think i ever will
even though it was so long ago
all the experiences i had
that changed me forever
never again
and then i will leave this town
and never see anyone again
and it hurts to say
for some reason
all the people i used to know
our memories will stay with me
forever
but i need to go,
i need to go
i will never forget any of this,
and the nostalgia of my entire life
will always stick with me
and it will be sad
sickeningly sad
because that's just me,
thinking of people who never think of me
Nov 1, 2019
Nov 1, 2019 at 7:28 PM UTC
it was always the jazz music
that soothed me
in the nights of summer.
but it wasn't as good as
the late night conversations
and chamomile tea.
all i can remember now
is that faint smell of
mint perfume;
that made me feel ditzy
Feb 24, 2017
Feb 24, 2017 at 6:07 PM UTC
8 nights before;
she leaves
her house
with paint
on her fingers.
pen on her legs
covered in ink
especially marker
she never paid attention
in class. because it was
all too boring
for the world inside her head.
she’s on the bus
music blasting through her
earbuds.
and she doesn’t
want anyone to hear it;
only herself.
but you can still hear it.
it’s on high.
‘ a certain romance ‘
by arctic monkeys
what a lovely tune
she closes her eyes;
to cover the tears
that were supposed to
be fled 8 nights before
Nov 22, 2016
Nov 22, 2016 at 9:55 PM UTC