Psychological issues?
Sure.
I've got plenty.
I don't know exactly when it started
But some time ages ago
During elementary school
I just felt so worthless
Like I was numb
I wanted to feel
But I didn't know how
And it wasn't a sharp pain
I would welcome a sharp pain
It was dull ache that wouldn't leave me
I froze in my own icy thoughts
Maybe it was the loneliness
Or all the things those girls said to me
Maybe it was the insults or the whispers
Or maybe it was just my twisted mind
But whatever the cause
I tried to **** myself
When I was just a little 11 year old girl
When some girls were still playing with Barbies in secret
I was secretly playing with knives and ropes
I would take that blade
And scratch a cut into my wooden headboard
One slit in the wood for every moment that I wanted to die
Because I was too young back then to even think of my wrist
That came later
A few years later
And still
There are days where I just feel so horrible and sad and broken
For absolutely zero reason
It doesn't make sense
Nothing bad is even happening
But I feel shattered
I spent a year feeling so. hollow.
So f!cking hollow
I felt like I couldn't breathe
Like I wasn't alive
I spent entire days
Not speaking
I still miss the cuts sometimes, honestly
I like my scars
Which sounds terrible
But I trace them with my fingernails absentmindedly some days
During the darker nights
It comforts me
Because even though I’m not going to cut myself ever again
I can jolt myself into remembering the pain
And it is a form of relief in itself
I don’t know
Not something I can explain
Is that depression?
Probably not though, I feel bad suggesting it in front of people who actually for sure have depression when I haven't been analyzed
But still, it's not impossible I guess
I spent 5 years
From grade 5 through to grade 9
Which is pretty **** young
Feeling fat
Hating my body
Hating myself
I can see my ribs but I still feel fat
It’s okay I can fix that
Eating a little less
Skip a meal
Just skip lunch
Just eat a tiny breakfast, no lunch
No breakfast, no lunch but it’s okay because I have a good dinner
I think I’m losing weight
Is it bad that I’m in grade 5 and thinking like this?
This is great
I think it’s working
I’m in grade 6 now
Maybe I won’t be worthless if I become skinny
I can still see my ribs
I could from the beginning
But I still feel fat
Okay, less dinner now
Hide it well
Let’s switch
No lunch, a little dinner and a bit of breakfast
Just enough to stay alive
Although how much to I really want to stay alive?
Fat.
Look at my legs
Look at their legs
My thighs God I hate my thighs
Eat less
Eat less and less
Until I’m basically surviving on snacks and just the beginnings of each meal
Just enough to take a few bites before they leave the room for a minute
Just long enough for me to throw away my food
But I don’t think I’m losing weight
I will never be enough
7th grade
Just a little less
Don’t tell any of them
Losing pounds
Check my reflection
I still feel fat
I try to be less so I can feel like I’m more
But does the number on the scale even matter anymore?
I’m promising and promising I ate before I came
But these pretty little lies are driving even me insane
And they can’t see through my smile they can’t figure it out
I’m slowly killing myself
From the inside out
Pretty soon, “I don’t feel well” is my favorite phrase and an everyday thing
A justification for my small portions that I don’t finish
It’s true though
I don’t feel well
I feel worthless.
It continues into 8th and 9th grade
Worse and worse
Looking up the calories of different food
Surviving on water and tea
Just enough food to stay alive
Though I really don’t care that much about my own survival, really
Is that anorexia nervosa?
I doubt it
But it’s a possibility I guess
I look in the mirror
And I feel so f!cking ugly
I literally cannot find ONE thing I like about myself
I cannot leave the house without makeup
Because I am SO ashamed of my own face
I genuinely feel bad for the people who have to see my face
I cry sometimes, because I look in the mirror and see my own worthless hideousness
I remember that sleepover I was invited to with the popular girls and I wondered why
When I got locked in a closet, got soap sprayed in my mouth and locked outside in the freezing cold snow without pants on when I was just trying to change into my night clothes
That’s when I knew I had been invited just so they could torment me
I don’t like being the entertainment for the party
I tried to just go to sleep because if I called home I would look like a coward
And my mother who NEVER let me go to sleepovers would get to say “I told you so”
And when they thought I was asleep
But I wasn’t
I listened to them talk for a full hour
My eyes on the clock
My ears on their conversation
“Is she asleep”?
I didn’t know they were talking about me until I heard them mention my name
When they talked for a full f!cking hour
In detail
About why I was ugly
On what levels I was ugly
The degree of my ugliness
I didn’t cry
I didn’t sit up and tell them I could hear them
It would be too humiliating
I listened
And I know they are right
But now it’s getting bad
My face doesn’t even look human to me anymore
It looks like some sort of beastly troll’s face
It looks f!cking hideous
My mother is worried about me
Because I can’t even look myself in the mirror when I have no makeup on
Because I Freak. Out when it is suggested that I might have to be in public without hiding my ugly face in makeup
It literally affects my ability to function properly in everyday life.
The thing is, those girls said it
And they ALL agreed
So if I REALLY had dysmorphia
Then it would all be in my mind
And if they all agreed I was hideous
Then I must be
So how can it be imagined?
I don’t know
Anyway
My point is
I suppose
MAYBE
It is possible
I have dysmorphia
But
Depression
Anorexia Nervosa
Dysmorphia
Those possible diseases of the mind
I
Have multiple
Psychological issues
BUT OCD IS NOT F!CKING ONE OF THEM
How dare he suggest such a thing
Just because I
“Always seem to be working towards something”
Excuse me for not getting drunk and high and naked
Putting off work
Not caring about anything
It’s not OCD though
It’s just called going somewhere in life
Because I may as well
Since in my mind
I’m hopelessly lost
Dec 27, 2014
Dec 27, 2014 at 4:08 PM UTC
I wonder what
a train horn sounds like
when you're standing
right in front of it
Dec 27, 2014
Dec 27, 2014 at 3:57 PM UTC
You're the one that
I always thought I knew.
It took me almost 6
careful months,
of late nights,
empty beer cans,
and used up pipes.
But it wasn't just me getting
to know you,
you got to know me
in the darkest corners
of the morning.
And before my own eyes,
you almost had me figured out,
although I was no where close.
I'm sure that you know
I still care and miss you.
But there's not even
a breeze in the wind
that tells me you feel the same.
Oct 5, 2014
Oct 5, 2014 at 2:46 PM UTC
*don't tell me you love me
when you mean to say
you're going to rip my heart
right out of my chest,
and crush it right in front of me
don't say that you care
if at sight of my scars,
you decide
that you can't handle me
and that you need to leave
tell me the truth,
that I'm not worth it
and that I don't mean enough to you
for you to remain
here with me
h.a*
May 8, 2014
May 8, 2014 at 7:23 PM UTC
THE BLACK WAVES ARE CRASHING AGAINST MY SOUL AGAIN I PICKED UP THE BOTTLE AND DRAGGED THE THIN PIECE OF METAL AGAINST MY WRIST I CAN'T FACE THE DAY WITHOUT THIS LITTLE WHITE PILL I HAVEN'T EATEN IN SIX DAYS I NEED YOU TO TELL ME I'M NOT DYING BECAUSE I'M BEING CRUSHED BY MY THOUGHTS
Apr 6, 2014
Apr 6, 2014 at 9:42 PM UTC
*** and love
are not synonyms
I didn't fall in love with you
because you touched me
I fell in love with you
because you made flowers grow
inside of me
when no one else could
h.a
Apr 3, 2014
Apr 3, 2014 at 2:03 AM UTC
we've sent six texts to each other
since I purged my heart to you last night
one of them was a genuine apology,
and one was a faked acceptance
it doesn't matter how many times I apologize
because no matter how hard I try to act differently,
I knew the moment that the liquor touched my lips
that I would confess something to you that I would later regret
Apr 3, 2014
Apr 3, 2014 at 1:51 AM UTC
if I can't get to the bottle,
or get a quicker fix
made of white powder
crushed from an innocent little pill,
I feel hollow
it's as if there isn't blood in my veins,
or a heart in my chest
but sometimes it's comforting,
feeling like an empty shell
because it feels like nothing could get any worse
Apr 3, 2014
Apr 3, 2014 at 1:43 AM UTC