may-1 - Hello Poetry

I finally know where I stand and I’m more lost than ever but at least I’m not alone but at least a lot of things wound down to the end of my tether in awe at the web I’ve crafted inevitably to catch myself did it break a fall? or hold me captive? I have caught me between myself and being free

0

Nov 19, 2024

Nov 19, 2024 at 5:58 PM UTC

may-1

11/01/2024

I finally know where I stand and I’m more lost than ever but at least I’m not alone but at least a lot of things wound down to the end of my tether in awe at the web I’ve crafted inevitably to catch myself did it break a fall? or hold me captive? I have caught me between myself and being free

12

a shroud of cool air wraps around my bare shoulders it’s 4:08 a.m. I can’t sleep I feel loathed to burden the person who lies peacefully next to me with the suffocating tendrils of anxiety, shame, doubt I fear the poison will spread restlessness, contagious painfully conscious I am plagued by dreams pain and anguish blood and glass and teeth shatter and sting in full color dead or drowning grotesque and livid I’m either awake and fretting or asleep and writhing disquiet as a state of mind seething in my agitated paralysis I am steeped in spirit and it flows far smoother than prose apologies

0

Jun 29, 2024

Jun 29, 2024 at 2:51 PM UTC

may-1

04/13/2024

a shroud of cool air wraps around my bare shoulders it’s 4:08 a.m. I can’t sleep I feel loathed to burden the person who lies peacefully next to me with the suffocating tendrils of anxiety, shame, doubt I fear the poison will spread restlessness, contagious painfully conscious I am plagued by dreams pain and anguish blood and glass and teeth shatter and sting in full color dead or drowning grotesque and livid I’m either awake and fretting or asleep and writhing disquiet as a state of mind seething in my agitated paralysis I am steeped in spirit and it flows far smoother than prose apologies

26

pretty sure you’re magical you have eyes like sunshine hitting a cup of black coffee at just the right angle to ember and glow molten and gleaming all at the same time I only know because you spend hours looking into mine into me this started with you but now it’s me too I think the longer you stare truly see something the more complex and beautiful it becomes you took me to the beach yesterday we walked along the low tide and you waited complacently for me while I stuck my head and hands in the tide pools I want to hear them smell them see from within them you looked for bugs while I communed with hermit ***** we traded pretty rocks and put -most- of them back you waited again squinting in the sunlight up at me while I scrambled onto the landing of a derelict rusted husk of a spiral staircase leaning at the same angle as the tower of Pisa so I could get a better photo you lost me a couple times you will learn that I tend to wander I found a flounder head we discussed over a mysterious carcass whether it was a seal or a shark I say shark You say seal you tried to hide your mild disgust as I poked, prodded, and smelled it still curious about it’s identity and it dawned on me you may be the first person who actually has the patience for me

0

Jun 29, 2024

Jun 29, 2024 at 2:43 PM UTC

may-1

04/09/2024

pretty sure you’re magical you have eyes like sunshine hitting a cup of black coffee at just the right angle to ember and glow molten and gleaming all at the same time I only know because you spend hours looking into mine into me this started with you but now it’s me too I think the longer you stare truly see something the more complex and beautiful it becomes you took me to the beach yesterday we walked along the low tide and you waited complacently for me while I stuck my head and hands in the tide pools I want to hear them smell them see from within them you looked for bugs while I communed with hermit ***** we traded pretty rocks and put -most- of them back you waited again squinting in the sunlight up at me while I scrambled onto the landing of a derelict rusted husk of a spiral staircase leaning at the same angle as the tower of Pisa so I could get a better photo you lost me a couple times you will learn that I tend to wander I found a flounder head we discussed over a mysterious carcass whether it was a seal or a shark I say shark You say seal you tried to hide your mild disgust as I poked, prodded, and smelled it still curious about it’s identity and it dawned on me you may be the first person who actually has the patience for me

43

Can’t tell if my mind is moving too much or my eyes aren’t. It was just hailing, but now an ochre sun is piercing through the thick blanket of clouds. — Now the sky is blue. The weather has released me. The clouds fell from the sky as this weight will fall from me. I will walk in the woods. walking on the gray— on the haze. It is beneath me now, in the ground. As the clouds die, they feed the earth with their corpses and the earth will feed me. With me. Breathe me. Life and decay are the same thing. If I rot, will I not simply become something else? or maybe not. The longer I inhabit this body the more it seems like a simple vessel, containing the multitude that is me. The universe has given me this gift. This curse. This magic. God and science are the same thing. “Nothing is sacred” and “Everything is sacred” are the same **** phrase. Heaven and hell are the same **** place. No past, present, or future. Just everything, all at once. Now is a concept. Fate isn’t real only because the future isn’t real. Our perception of time is a coping mechanism. Why else would the past feel so close? Don’t just live in the present. Exist. In everything. The universe is only as big as our minds. Our minds are infinite. We are just blind.

0

Jan 23, 2024

Jan 23, 2024 at 5:52 PM UTC

may-1

02/07/2023

Can’t tell if my mind is moving too much or my eyes aren’t. It was just hailing, but now an ochre sun is piercing through the thick blanket of clouds. — Now the sky is blue. The weather has released me. The clouds fell from the sky as this weight will fall from me. I will walk in the woods. walking on the gray— on the haze. It is beneath me now, in the ground. As the clouds die, they feed the earth with their corpses and the earth will feed me. With me. Breathe me. Life and decay are the same thing. If I rot, will I not simply become something else? or maybe not. The longer I inhabit this body the more it seems like a simple vessel, containing the multitude that is me. The universe has given me this gift. This curse. This magic. God and science are the same thing. “Nothing is sacred” and “Everything is sacred” are the same **** phrase. Heaven and hell are the same **** place. No past, present, or future. Just everything, all at once. Now is a concept. Fate isn’t real only because the future isn’t real. Our perception of time is a coping mechanism. Why else would the past feel so close? Don’t just live in the present. Exist. In everything. The universe is only as big as our minds. Our minds are infinite. We are just blind.

47

my limbs are heavy I’m frozen glacially stuck. time pirouettes around me flies scribble emphatically in a stuffy room a soft wedge of light scans the cobwebs clinging to the wall a cellar spider hails to me from a box of kleenex this room is a mental illness ISpy every little pen cap or thumbtack every single thing is another thought in my head. my heart is pounding with the realization. another thought here to stay I spy the millions of hopes and dreads and fears and doubts scattered, strewn, stacked, piled teetering on the edge of collapse ever growing yet also collecting dust I spy my body defying gravity I feel like I’m on Jupiter I think I’m becoming non-newtonian brain still whirring like a contrite zoetrope three fans drone in my ears and I jump— —startled as the garage door opens life continues around me I should at least put on pants.

0

Nov 14, 2023

Nov 14, 2023 at 6:14 PM UTC

may-1

11/14/2023

my limbs are heavy I’m frozen glacially stuck. time pirouettes around me flies scribble emphatically in a stuffy room a soft wedge of light scans the cobwebs clinging to the wall a cellar spider hails to me from a box of kleenex this room is a mental illness ISpy every little pen cap or thumbtack every single thing is another thought in my head. my heart is pounding with the realization. another thought here to stay I spy the millions of hopes and dreads and fears and doubts scattered, strewn, stacked, piled teetering on the edge of collapse ever growing yet also collecting dust I spy my body defying gravity I feel like I’m on Jupiter I think I’m becoming non-newtonian brain still whirring like a contrite zoetrope three fans drone in my ears and I jump— —startled as the garage door opens life continues around me I should at least put on pants.

32

gender norms are like bottles they are fragile and take up space they can be useful but get in the way and if you’re feeling stressed and restless and wanna do something dangerous you can take them outside and break them

0

Nov 14, 2023

Nov 14, 2023 at 6:12 PM UTC

may-1

10/24/2022

gender norms are like bottles they are fragile and take up space they can be useful but get in the way and if you’re feeling stressed and restless and wanna do something dangerous you can take them outside and break them

9

the earth is the only love i need she has no forgiveness but seeks it neither she will take and love [consume]my body no matter her change so chaotic and great that with my stagnation i fall into her stillness is impossible if all around you is moving infinitely, endlessly the earth will never refuse me she cannot leave me as i cannot leave her we are entangled she will bury me in her arms, in her love eventually

0

Nov 14, 2023

Nov 14, 2023 at 6:11 PM UTC

may-1

05/04/2022

the earth is the only love i need she has no forgiveness but seeks it neither she will take and love [consume]my body no matter her change so chaotic and great that with my stagnation i fall into her stillness is impossible if all around you is moving infinitely, endlessly the earth will never refuse me she cannot leave me as i cannot leave her we are entangled she will bury me in her arms, in her love eventually

19

I feel like there’s too much on my mind to write any of it down everything seems to be speaking everything wishes to be louder all I can do is stare at my toes my mind and body have been screaming for months at me in general it’s too much to write down too much to let it out I might explode or just deflate I feel like I’ve been treading water for longer than I can and my mouth and nose are finally, slowly filling with water trickling down my throat filling my belly as I sink beneath the waves

0

Apr 30, 2020

Apr 30, 2020 at 12:57 AM UTC

may-1

11/30/18

I feel like there’s too much on my mind to write any of it down everything seems to be speaking everything wishes to be louder all I can do is stare at my toes my mind and body have been screaming for months at me in general it’s too much to write down too much to let it out I might explode or just deflate I feel like I’ve been treading water for longer than I can and my mouth and nose are finally, slowly filling with water trickling down my throat filling my belly as I sink beneath the waves

21

never knew how blinding the sun could be before I hid from it. the dark is a dangerously safe place to be isn’t it? I think I found a new emotion it comes from experiencing the beauty of things I find repulsive all the dream house developments nestled like cheap toys sun glinting off the bumper to bumper traffic arcing above the horizon semis blocking out the sun parking lots fractals of shiny beetle shell car bodies disappearing into the glare countless things somewhere between awe and loathing it’s kind of like a scream stuck in your chest. also, I think I keep seeing people who aren’t real. they exist. other people see them too. but they just seem out of place. or maybe too in it. too predictable I say I hate public transit but ya know I think half the time I like sitting on bart more than doing whatever the **** I left the house to do my mind wanders best when my body is hurdling through space at high speeds

0

Apr 30, 2020

Apr 30, 2020 at 12:40 AM UTC

may-1

10/20/2015

never knew how blinding the sun could be before I hid from it. the dark is a dangerously safe place to be isn’t it? I think I found a new emotion it comes from experiencing the beauty of things I find repulsive all the dream house developments nestled like cheap toys sun glinting off the bumper to bumper traffic arcing above the horizon semis blocking out the sun parking lots fractals of shiny beetle shell car bodies disappearing into the glare countless things somewhere between awe and loathing it’s kind of like a scream stuck in your chest. also, I think I keep seeing people who aren’t real. they exist. other people see them too. but they just seem out of place. or maybe too in it. too predictable I say I hate public transit but ya know I think half the time I like sitting on bart more than doing whatever the **** I left the house to do my mind wanders best when my body is hurdling through space at high speeds

38

I need cigarettes and evenings filled with long sighs and fragments mettled poems and more cigarettes waiting for my angst to form stanzas tonight I’ll probably just cough a lot and go to bed early, but first I need cigarettes.

0

Apr 30, 2020

Apr 30, 2020 at 12:25 AM UTC

may-1

12/06/2014

I need cigarettes and evenings filled with long sighs and fragments mettled poems and more cigarettes waiting for my angst to form stanzas tonight I’ll probably just cough a lot and go to bed early, but first I need cigarettes.

14