You’re a vault right
I ask, hoping that through all of the ugliness and toxicity that our trust still stands
That all those nights in our shoebox of an apartment
Filled with whispered secrets and hidden desires
The adventures and moments too sacred to share
The things I only felt with you
Mean something
That even though our love
Has turned into something unrecognizable
Stoic expressions cold like ice
Tears and anger
Loss
I still see you behind it all
And I believe that no matter what
I can trust you
Maybe that’s naive
But I would rather be naive than
Apathetic
Thoughtless
Cold (like you)
It turns out
The vault was a house of cards
You toppled it
I was stupid to still trust you
Because in the ugliest of times
You turned ugly too.
Dec 16, 2022
Dec 16, 2022 at 4:32 PM UTC
I don’t know how it happened
But
I am the victim but I am also the caretaker
I am the one wiping her tears and holding her an embrace
Letting her know it’s going to be
okay (will it?)
Her tears falling into my hair like summer snow
And some part of me feels comforted
I get to hold her again
I get to make her feel better
My favorite feeling
The pain
Fades for a second
For a second
Everything is okay
We are riding bikes through the streets laughing like little kids
We are jumping in the icy December waters of the canals at midnight
We are deliriously happy
But then I snapped back
Because in reality
This short-lived love
This short-lived fix
Masks my pain
The wounder uses the wounded in a twisted way
I am the caretaker but I am the victim
I tell her it’s going to be okay
When its the mess she caused
She expects me to pick up the pieces
But I don’t even know the game she wants to play
I tell her that I love her
Even when every time before that wasn’t enough
This time it’s all she needs to hear
Somehow
Even though I am the one crushed
She needs me to make her feel better
She needs me to give her solace
How is that fair?
When really
All she brings me is pain
Dec 16, 2022
Dec 16, 2022 at 4:31 PM UTC
it was so hard to explain to people how much I loved you. it really messed with me that I couldn’t describe it. but honestly, I think I really just think you can do no wrong. sometimes I get upset at something you do or say but at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter because I love you. I love who you are and not what you do. And I have never left that way for someone... it was the craziest feeling of my life. I was subordinate to us. the greater good was our relationship and I would have done anything to protect it.
by loving you i'm losing myself...
Oct 3, 2022
Oct 3, 2022 at 12:51 PM UTC
all i think about is you
you consume my body and my soul
my thoughts are morphed into yours
it feels like you are an extension of my heart and without you I am broken
every time we touch my lips quiver and butterflies dance in my stomach
when Im with you,
everything is heightened
my nerves crackle like summer lightning on my skin
flashes of heat stroke my body like a feather
you make breathing more bearable and singing more sensational and laughter the music to my ears
you are my fatal flaw
my Achilles heel
you are my best friend and my soul mate and my family all wrapped up into one package
sometimes, I ask myself why you are the secret to my happiness
you believe in me more than I could ever believe in myself
with you, hope is in places I couldn't feel it before
when I think about losing you my world becomes less beautiful
the colors are dull
everything is less electric
sparks and glimmers of hope disappear into what could have been
and then I wake up
my heart pounding and my skin flushed
for a second I don't remember
that this is all a fantasy
that you are still
gone
gone
gone
when you left you took a piece of my love
there is a human-sized ache in my side where you were ripped away from me
but then I remember
I remember all the terrible fights and empty promises you slammed in my face
I remember the bruises and the heavy hearts and the angry sighs
I remember all the reasons I shouldn't love you but instead I begged you to stay
but still
I try and grasp and remember that fantasy of you that I dream about every night
I wish to hold onto it and remember it forever
because even on our worst days together
life was still better with you
but then it is gone forever
just like you.
Apr 2, 2018
Apr 2, 2018 at 3:35 PM UTC
someday we will be given more
someday i won't wake up crying because of how much I miss you
someday I won't constantly question why everyone continuously proves to let me down when every word I dictate and every action I muster is to make every person in my life happier than they were
someday my parents will recognize the grin I plaster on my face everyday is fake and that hidden behind are shadows of loneliness and regret
someday ill be happy when the sunrises because it means I've been granted another day and when the gentle whispers of dusk emerge ill be grateful for the stars that glimmer among the blackness
someday we will be given what we deserve
someday I will no longer be in a broken home filled with ugly words spewed at each other and twisted lies coursing through each room, poisoning relationships and love
someday all the hours of hard work and those sleepless nights and days spent listening to the rain patter on the windows because that was the only solace to my pain will pay off
someday the tunnel of blackness and the cloak of unhappiness with lift
the days will feel longer and the sunlight will wash over you, succumbing you with the warmth
the nights will be an endless stream of dreams of opportunity and friendship and laughter
the future will be full of new discoveries and relationships
someday you will recognize your own beauty to be the eighth wonder of the world
we will always hope for someday,
wait for someday,
lust for someday,
someday, will one day be today.
Nov 25, 2017
Nov 25, 2017 at 8:23 PM UTC
The firefly flutters about at night
exposing bright light into darkness.
Their purpose
to bring flashes to eyes
that ignite dreams.
Their goal to move
with wind on wings
to carry hope
and cleanse darkness before day.
They're little night fairies
meant to send love
through eyes that see.
Sep 22, 2017
Sep 22, 2017 at 10:35 AM UTC
a romance that we raised in the summer can only last so long
for when the leaves start falling
we fall too.
Sep 14, 2017
Sep 14, 2017 at 11:22 PM UTC
there are a million reasons not to love you but all i can think about is how empty i am without you
everything you have done to me has made me lose myself just a little bit more
all the compromises of my moral compass and changing my plans to accommodate your needs and
your words hit me like killer rain, tumbling down on me, sending me into a spiral of self-deprecation and insecurity
now when i see myself in the mirror i wonder
who am i without you
because suddenly the girl with the brown hair and her eyes a little too far apart and her smile a bit wobbly doesn’t satisfy the mirror anymore without you on my arm
you have given me a thousand empty promises and forgotten kisses and words that hit like punches that should have made me turn around and slam the door but instead i just stay and stay and stay,
my apologies getting caught in my throat like a bullet, suffocating me until i forget how to be happy without you in the first place
my heart throbs because the fingers you have wrapped so tightly around my heart are squeezing and squeezing and squeezing and my head feels like a giant is sitting on it because suddenly i can’t think about anything but
how sad i am. how hurt i am. how lost i am and somehow no one can lead me back to my sanity except for you but you are the root of my destruction
all of my problems lead back to you but somehow in some twisted-messedup-tangled-type of way you are the only person who can solve them
there are a million reasons not to love you but instead everything i do is to make sure you stay.
Sep 14, 2017
Sep 14, 2017 at 11:18 PM UTC
"I wish I was happier," she
confessed, to me, in-between
puffs and awkward silent
pauses.
"I'm not disappointed," was
all I could say, forcing
back down my throat, the "me too."
We stood there, in quiet,
surrounded by loudness. The other
few, ate, and drinking inside.
Goes back in, she kisses him.
What does he know?
Answer?
More than he's liable to make known.
I can't look at her. If I do,
I'm caught-in-love, and
stuck on the possibilities.
If my eyes can avoid you, my
dreams can stay fantasy,
not just unfulfilled.
She's tired of hearing she's perfect.
She'd rather be told the truth.
but no one that loves her lets honesty in earshot.
And I'm sick of love, lying, and
truth-telling, too.
I wish you were happier.
I wish the path of least resistance laid itself out,
before you.
I wish you'd hold my hand while we walk it, together.
I wish I could make happy,
like some folks brew beer.
I'd pour you a growler,
(On the house, of course)
and laugh at everyone else, while you drink it.
This poem is the list of
things I never thought could
make a difference.
This poem is the litany of reasons why
I think I deserve one
last chance.
This poem is the one I'd
read to you every night, if
it would change your
mind.
It wouldn't. It won't.
This poem bites, the last dying
hope of a beached shark, spying
the wave that could save it.
This poem is the black pods
we once foolishly believed were
shark eggs.
This poem knows I hate the beach,
and brought me along,
anyway.
I started this poem months ago.
It'll never really be finished.
Sep 14, 2017
Sep 14, 2017 at 10:17 AM UTC