she feeds you stars
and you regurgitate them
up in her palms,
facing toward you
she's always holding them out
you tell yourself you
couldn't miss her;
you tell yourself she
wouldn't miss you
(and you're sure, but
that's not the point)
you tell yourself
that it doesn't matter
because for a second,
her black holes
were stars
Jun 25, 2014
Jun 25, 2014 at 7:12 PM UTC
don't be
surprised when i
float
up into the ceiling
(there's another
world
out there, there's
no other
world out there,
the rusty film,
the not touching,
the signal
flares you sent
with your teeth,
screaming
god,
is there a god?
and
He only laughed at
you,
open mouthed,
you found:
there's only
i am i am not
you am i am not)
i will become
a ghost
you can love,
then
Jun 17, 2014
Jun 17, 2014 at 3:56 AM UTC
i wish i could
pet the cat;
i can only
imagine her
fur,
now
i wish i could
kiss the top of her head
without gurgling
bleach; my teeth
would rot out of my head
yet
it'd be nice,
i think
Jun 16, 2014
Jun 16, 2014 at 4:55 AM UTC
your soulmate is a
ghost
and they are trying
to connect
with you
through the mirror,
floating through your
halls
at night moaning
desperately,
'come to me, come to
me'
your hands
will not touch
you will go on
like this,
lover after lover
after cat after dog
after loneliness
until you yourself
have died
Jun 3, 2014
Jun 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM UTC
i watched you take every piece of me and shove them into your mouth. simply put, i watched you devour me. my essence, my personality; all that was left was you, your hands, my hands like your hands around my own throat pretending they were your hands.
i don't know what i mistook it for.
i don't know how i could have.
could you explain this to me? you, the crow on my window sill, watching me peck my eyes out with the corners of my fists (pretending it was you, it was you, it was you, pretending it was me pretending it was you) like i am mad, i am terribly, terribly crazy. i won't say hello to you; you can **** us both to hell.
i poured my blood in a cup for you.
does it make sense now?
the way you held it with your black black nails clicking against the side, something awful like chalk on a chalkboard or maybe a marker on a chalkboard, it's all the same; in my head you're the bad one.
i poured my blood in a cup for you and i watched you ****** it out of my hands and i watched you take the whole of me, my eyes, my ears, my brain, the pieces of grey matter that shouldn't be grey matter. you smashed the cup on the ground. it was a nice cup, what a waste.
do you want a prize? do you want an award for pretending you weren't the bad one?
(you're the bad one, i keep telling myself. you were bad. you were bad. am i bad? or at least share the blame, you know, we're both...)
ask the people in the past who hurt you, who dug their nails into your skin and refused to let go and dug them in further until all that was left of you were the places their fingernails had been, tell me, report with your findings: am i bad? am i bad? (were you bad?)
May 31, 2014
May 31, 2014 at 4:56 PM UTC
like i am
me
and you are
you,
you are
also me
and i am
also
you
and if
i am afraid
i can
squeeze my
wrists
or strangle
myself
and remind
myself
that my
mannerisms
are
just like
hers
May 29, 2014
May 29, 2014 at 11:19 AM UTC
i'm quite sure that when you
plunged your hands into my chest
you did something
bad
to my heart
i keep thinking
maybe it's the paranoia
but after you,
after her,
i can't love anyone
(and i like it
that way)
May 28, 2014
May 28, 2014 at 9:18 AM UTC
something along the lines of
you'll leave me,
won't you?
is what i say to you
which is
unsurprising,
given the circumstances for which
this idea seems so completely
appealing to me
(you'll leave me,
won't you?
you'll leave me,
eventually,
blah blah blah,
if you leave me
i'll **** myself,
blah blah blah
is it all the same
to you? do you think i
say this ****
for fun?)
how *******
blasphemous,
this idea that's so
absurd
to you;
do you so
constantly have your
head
up your *** or is it just me?
oh, wait, no
i don't know
what you want me to say
do you want me
to agree with you?
you?
you, of all people?
May 25, 2014
May 25, 2014 at 1:35 PM UTC
i got out of bed
and all that was
in my head was
venom
and all i could think of
was breaking your
phones
so you couldn't call
anyone,
so you'd be
isolated
too
so grandpa wouldn't
know
the inside of my brain
so intimately
because you don't
shut up
because i don't have
any privacy
because i am your
pity party
(because i'm crazy)
so you'd have a
reason
to hate me
(that was
something i could
control)
but now
all i can think of
is the
goddamn
fear of
abandonment
and how all i do
is sleep
and spend two hours
in the bathroom
standing there
eavesdropping
staring at the wall
wishing i was dead
(wishing you were
dead, too)
and i want to
break my hands
(so i couldn't do it)
and i want to
break your phones
(because you would
hit me
again, and i am
scared
you'll never stop)
May 20, 2014
May 20, 2014 at 5:09 AM UTC
sometimes
i am afraid
to wake up
and find
i am alone
that
while i was sleeping,
they left
that
while i was sleeping,
they ate my dog
and left the
mess
for me
(i don't need
your love;
i don't need
your guidance:
i can
think for myself
but it is
painful,
and
i wish you would
listen)
May 19, 2014
May 19, 2014 at 3:40 PM UTC