i fear that maybe i lied to myself and maybe i lied to you, too.
maybe i was never fully there, perhaps i wasn’t thinking that much.
and then i remember the little things, like the way you remembered i wanted that plant that dances and you got me flowers like you knew what you were doing.
when you smiled at me your eyes would scrunch in this certain way. i’d like to think they only do that for me; or at least i’m the only one who notices. i fear this isn’t the case. i dread you never look at me that way again.
i wanted you so close to me. i wanted to crawl inside your skin and make a home somewhere that would take me, until all i am was this; was you.
you said the same, you wanted to be attached to me. were you only ever pretending? was i really all that terrifying?
Mar 27, 2022
Mar 27, 2022 at 7:59 PM UTC
i feel like love is blind.
it’s this weird, out of body experience. it’s a pull.
i feel like i have a rope tied around me constantly.
i know him. i know him well and i forgive him every single time because i want him in my life like i need air, or the ground to walk on. i think that’s love.
i know him. i know about his tendencies and how he looks at every girl like she’s some sort of special creature.
i was once on the receiving end of that too. it’s not special anymore.
i think love is blind because even when i’m not around him, i’m wishing him the best, with all i have.
maybe i just love him.
maybe i’m not blind to it at all.
Mar 16, 2022
Mar 16, 2022 at 6:13 PM UTC
i want to go to an aquarium.
i want to look blue and not normal. i want to be a sight to behold, something that makes even the fish stare.
i want to have silver eyes and shining skin.
i want to be adored by you.
i can’t seem to help myself;
who am i if you don’t see me?
Feb 17, 2022
Feb 17, 2022 at 2:43 PM UTC
the rain seeps.
it slips through the cracks and consumes me,
until all i am is this.
this.
it touches me and i am water. i can get anywhere. i am everywhere.
i am easy to get rid of.
scratch me off, would you?
stop this.
stop it.
what if i want it to hurt?
how to i stop that want?
Dec 18, 2021
Dec 18, 2021 at 6:45 AM UTC
maybe i was cursed; or unlovable or just someone that couldn’t be tolerated for long periods of time.
i hope i was cursed
maybe I’m just suffocating
maybe I’m supposed to feel like this
the cold November night hit like a car going
a little too fast,
a great gushing wind. something that numbs.
i kept my head clear for as long as i could,
i promise you. but somehow i always lean back
to when tea doesn’t taste as sweet anymore and my favourite show turns grey and i can’t look at you the same.
i fear it will last forever. i fear it won’t. i fear i may never be myself again, that i’ll never get her back.
i fear that I’ll get her back and i won’t know what to do with it.
i’m in this constant state of never anywhere.
i’m like a cloud.
or the rain as it falls, and disappears and dissolves.
i’m like an old vhs player, a broken clock,
a fine China vase with a chip in it.
I’m like a heater in the summer,
or a fan in the winter.
i can never get it quite right.
Nov 7, 2021
Nov 7, 2021 at 8:36 PM UTC
i never did
see you coming but i never planned
to let you go. i didn’t want to.
i see now you didn’t want to be held
the way i hold and you didn’t want to
be loved the way i loved.
you didn’t know what to do with it all
and i’m sorry i couldn’t love you
the way you wanted.
but maybe i am now.
maybe this is what you needed all along.
maybe you didn’t need me at all.
Sep 5, 2021
Sep 5, 2021 at 5:44 PM UTC
i always thought i would love you until my dying day.
until my lungs gave out and my heart stopped it’s persistent thudding.
i thought i would love you in spite of it all;
the inconsistency, the intimacy. the never checking up on me.
the times all i ever wanted was to see your name flash up on my phone but i only ever
saw myself staring back at me
and i didn’t know what to do with that until
i stopped waiting.
and now i don’t think i want to love you anymore.
Aug 18, 2021
Aug 18, 2021 at 9:22 PM UTC
i have my mothers kindness and my dads eyesight. i have an intense fear of being alone and i can’t ride a bike.
i love too little or too much and i don’t eat right.
i have a bad singing voice but i sing anyway, and i used to love walking but now it seems like a chore.
i couldn’t keep you and i couldn’t keep him.
somehow that hurts worse than a lot of things.
Aug 6, 2021
Aug 6, 2021 at 8:32 AM UTC
i know now that i am vulnerable. i never keep anything quiet and i can’t stand on my own.
not without you, that is. i couldn’t keep up without you. used to, that is.
you went away. you always did.
i get attached easily and you went away.
the first time was fine; we were on the same page.
the times after that felt like hell fire.
i was always jealous of glass. and you, and the view you had.
but i was more jealous of the way you could move on so fast.
pay me no mind - you have no reason too.
and even after the fact, i’m still attached to you.
pay it no mind - it’s not your problem to deal with, my love.
some things i have to do on my own
Aug 6, 2021
Aug 6, 2021 at 8:31 AM UTC
i love you in a way you know.
in a way i would love anyone. i saw you as you walked toward me. it’s strange now, looking back. you seem to be a complete different person.
i love the way your hair looked. you cut it; it grew back to the way i like it. i like it when your face is bare. maybe it’s because it was when i first saw you and i can’t stop replaying it in my mind.
is it bad? i don’t think so. apart of healing is looking back and appreciating what once was. i look back and appreciate our moments now and realise they are the past. and i can’t have that back again and that’s fine because i don’t need to have it back again.
it’s a nice feeling. quiet
Jul 15, 2021
Jul 15, 2021 at 8:30 PM UTC