crying over a boy
introduces a new sadness
to your
nearly dry tear ducts
sure, you cry
over the bachelor
or a nicholas sparks
novel
but when the boy
is real
and tangible
losing him
hits
harder
you'd grown accustomed
to him
seeing him smile
watching his adam's apple
bob in his throat
when he laughed
hearing him sing
in the car
hearing him
breathe
he was alive
and you'd drop everything
when his name was the one
on your phone screen
you'd try to respond
as soon as you could
because then he could
respond
sooner
you weren't afraid
of running him off
because you knew
he would never leave
so when he did
you had to adjust
seeing someone
whose smile was
just barely
his
would break you
making your friends
laugh
but only wanting to hear
that strange and subtle
way
he would laugh
singing along to the radio
despite knowing
that he'll never know
the lyrics to your song
and you'll never
get to laugh about it
with him
breathing
even though
it hurts
even though he's gone
you still check your notifications
for his name
and you realize
maybe he ran away
because you
weren't worth the chase
and your boy tears
stain your face
revealing the patches
where your foundation
once was
Mar 14, 2019
Mar 14, 2019 at 5:41 PM UTC
i keep giving myself away
blocks of love
or trust
constantly leave my foundation
and sure
i get love or trust back
but i've given so
much
that no matter how much i
get
my. foundation
remains
fra gmen ted
i know
that i'm too giving
but at the same time
i can always
g i v e
more
i will give until
i b r
e
a
k
until i f
a
l
l
no matter how many times
i give
and then break
i will never
stop
opening myself
up
to being broken again
Mar 13, 2019
Mar 13, 2019 at 12:41 PM UTC
the way you breathe
how it sounds like you're always taking your first
and last breath
it's like you're gasping for air
but sighing
because you know it could all
stop
in an instant and you're okay with that
the way you breathe
fills my lungs
because i love breathing you in
feeling you
knowing you
you
Feb 26, 2019
Feb 26, 2019 at 4:30 PM UTC
It is in the woods
In the world
That i may find peace
Whether resting on the banks of despair
Or wandering through a thicket of feeling
I come to find
Deep seclusion
That grants me thought
And while i may take pause
It is then
And then alone
That i am
Truly at peace
All this world has beauty
And it is i who finds
Great these scenes
*
I can feel it all within me
My blood courses through my veins
Akin the coursing river i pass by
It is not easy to acknowledge
But i often grant no thought
To the world around
Blind i am
And blind i remain
But in this world i am given
Tranquil restoration
*
Until i am dead and gone
No more flesh
No more bone
I will contemplate this world
These mountains
And rivers
Trees
And cliffs
For the great care that has been given it
Will be continued through me
And when i am but a soul
A spirit
Drifting
My harmony with the world
And serenity will
Carry on
*
But oh
Death
I deny it me
It cannot steal me
From my pleasure
I bask in creation
And all around me
The earth shakes with shivers
I know all too well
Until my thoughts are thoughts no more
I will hope the future
Will ask for me
*
I thirst
I thirst for what i do not know
What i cannot see
And what my eyes have recognized but my heart has not
The nature i lose myself in has caused me
To lose myself
I know not what i be
Or what i’ll be
But the times past are no more
And i weep for them
*
As a man i am curious
What lies beyond
The cries of fallen brethren
The sad harmonies that the animals we’ve displaced
Escape their bodies
They mourn
And so do i
I am
Compelled
To tell their stories
To sing their songs
In a major key
*
I am a slave to it
The world i’ve ignored
I need not the society
I abandoned up the road
Nature has stolen my heart
My thoughts
My life
My me
*
I catch a glimpse
Of who i was
The things i once found true
And i shudder
For mother nature was not
And is not greedy
She cares for her children
In ways i could never understand
It brings her joy to raise life up
And we deny her that
Day after day
Yet still
She smiles
*
We walked this together
You and i
Recalling that once our mother would be there
Waiting
Calling
But now
It is only me
I am alone
And i wander
With sorrowful thoughts
And despairing diction
With a mother who is not mine
Mother nature
Who welcomes me
And embraces me
Yet still
I am alone
The moon highlights my path
And where there were once two sets
Of footsteps
It is now only one
The ghost of you --
Dear sister --
Trailing further and further
Away
Feb 19, 2019
Feb 19, 2019 at 11:58 AM UTC
it's funny
when we'd drive together
you'd scream-sing
and i'd sit and laugh
happy to see
that you were happy
and enjoying yourself
then i'd go home
and abuse the "repeat" button
listening to the songs
you'd made me love
and i'd find myself humming them
and then singing them
and then screaming them in the car
even when you weren't there
i put them in every playlist
because i remembered
how happy you were
when you'd sing them
but now that i know
you'll never be in the driver's seat
scream-singing to me
ever
again
the songs i loved
have moved into my sad songs playlist
and have become
the songs i skip
without giving them a chance to play
and even though
the lyrics are upbeat
and happy
they've got me feeling
some kind of way
i don't wanna feel
sadness is overplayed
overhyped
everything
your songs
our songs
never were
Jan 28, 2019
Jan 28, 2019 at 6:37 PM UTC
perhaps
there's a relapse
in order
because
i remember
that a few years back
everything
made me sad
or bored
or upset
or pessimistic
and i'm not
antagonistic
but the
depressed me
couldn't think of
anything happy
and ten times
i tried
i tried to **** myself
the eleventh time i tried was last year
so it's been awhile
but not long enough
and now i'm feeling
negative
sad
desolate
again
and i don't want there
to be
a twelfth time
but i'm scared
i'll relapse
into destruction
and won't come out this time
twelve has always
always
been my lucky number
so if i try again
i'll
"get lucky"
and die
but i don't really want to die
Jan 28, 2019
Jan 28, 2019 at 4:20 PM UTC
for the past few years
this girl
has been missing
her name is elizabeth
or abigail
or judy
or jane
or laura
or julie
or becca
or sasheer
or any other girl
i don't know
i couldn't tell you her name
her last known location
was here
or there
or wandering around a target
not knowing where to go
or who to trust
she's ten
or twenty
or sixteen
or maybe she doesn't know
she's been out of it
for so long
she couldn't tell you
who she is
or where she's from
all she knows
is that she's alone
and afraid
but she doesn't know who took her
she knows
that she let go
of herself
for a moment
a split second
and now
she's gone
Jan 23, 2019
Jan 23, 2019 at 10:10 PM UTC
when the man that sexually assaulted me
laughed
because i said i was going to talk about ****** assault
i felt weaker than i
had ever felt
because suddenly
even though i knew what i wanted to say
and i knew i had a voice
i felt so little
and inconsequential
it was almost as though
he had stolen my voice
again
Nov 30, 2018
Nov 30, 2018 at 2:07 PM UTC
i play my cards
by ear
no strategy
no plan
i just
play the cards
because of what
i hear
he says
i love you
so i play the
i love you
card right back
he says
i need you
but i don't have that card
so i play another
i love you
and hope he doesn't
notice
he says
i care about you
and i want to play
doubt
but my cards
still say i
love
you
he says
you never listen
and i hear him
but my cards are blurry
through my tears
so i play
i love you
instead of sorry
he says
i don't believe you when you say you love me
but i've run out of cards to say i love you
so i finally play
i'm sorry
and he says i've wasted his time
and that he can't tell if i ever even cared
or loved
and i play an uno
+4 card
hoping he'll draw the
i love yous
i've discarded
and already played
but he draws
i hate you
i can't trust you
i've fallen out of love with you
and
i still want to care but i can't
and i'm crying again
and can't see my cards
so i play
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
and
forgive me
and he looks at his hand and sighs
drawing a card
not knowing what to play
not knowing what to say
not even knowing who i am
and i draw too
pulling
i love you
from the deck
a cruel irony
he looks at me
waiting on my move
as i archive the card
and fold
he smiles weakly
and plays
i forgive you
but with my cards on the table
i'm forced to pay up
so i offer him
a final
i love you
as i walk away from the game
Oct 22, 2018
Oct 22, 2018 at 2:34 PM UTC
as a young girl
I told my mother
I would never get married
and I stuck by that
for years
I got a boyfriend
but I knew
I was never
going to
actually
marry him
but as time goes on
and I get older
and people around me
are getting married
and starting lives
I keep listening to love songs
and noticing
what I want
in a husband
and I am not one
to settle
or settle down
but I made a
google doc
devoted to songs
I want played at my wedding
even though
I've never wanted
a wedding
my loneliness keeps creeping
in
watching me
but
I've finally
succumbed to it
and I want
to make it go away
and for the first time
in my ever expanding
life
I want to stop being alone
and can't stop pondering
childlike
dream wedding
fantasies
****
Sep 13, 2018
Sep 13, 2018 at 1:10 AM UTC