derelictmemory
Singaporean
I've spent years trying to quell the flames / and hold on to the embers / but I now realize that when a flame burns / it burns to save you, / not kill you. / / I don't know how to be okay / Sometimes I'm okay with that / But most times I'm not / / https://twitter.com/derelictmemory_
It feels like I've been wandering
No true destination, taken where my feet bring me
Sometimes I feel soft grass
Other times, its glass
The echoes of conversation
play and replay and rewind
I can't make out what they're saying
but maybe if i just keep moving... keep moving
There's this feeling in my hollow chest
I can't tell if it's a sob or laughter
What does it even mean to feel
Does any of it even matter?
Every colour I see is alive,
every picture is another story - is that alive?
I keep wandering, maybe if I keep walking
How do I live this life...
It's always raining
I don't know where I'm going
I can hear myself breathing
I'll just keep moving... keep moving
It feels like I'm running out of words
Outside the clouds, it's very jarring
Should I rest for awhile...
no, I'll keep moving
What does it mean to be lost?
Will I ever find it again?
My hands are shaking
I'm going to keep moving
Oct 19, 2024
Oct 19, 2024 at 6:42 AM UTC
It's within your right
To choose to be alone on that last day
But I want to stay,
Let me hold your hand,
Let me stroke your hair,
Let me whisper the words
You don't want me to say
You think me reckless,
But I want to be
I can almost see
The wispy dreams of
What we could have been
You think me absurd,
For taking on such pain
But if it's all the same
I choose to care for you
With no regrets
I want to stay,
Let me share a smile,
Let me have one last laugh,
Let me feel the joy
That I could have had if I had a lifetime
You and me in our little cottage,
A little black cat between us,
You kiss me on my forehead,
I lean into you
"Thank you for being here.
Thank you for seeing me,
Thank you for making me smile,
Thank you for taking care of me,
Thank you.
You can go, I'll be okay
You can go, I'll remember you always
You can go, I'll be just fine
You can go, I'll see you again when it's my time
Goodbye, with love."
Apr 22, 2024
Apr 22, 2024 at 8:48 PM UTC
I'm trying to swim
In the endless ocean
I'm trying to breathe
As the waves engulf me
Everytime I think I can catch my breath
When I reach out to break the surface
I'm pulled down deeper and deeper
Its like I've got shackles at my feet
Pulling, tugging, calling
I'm fighting I promise I'm trying
Every gulp of air
Met by the pressure of the sea
Every grasp for light
Only a little more out of reach
So many words yet to be said
Let me shout them, let me speak
Hear me, see me...
I think I'm in way too deep
Kicking, thrashing, flailing
Please I'm trying
I told you once, I had a dream
The breeze was light
And I was at peace
Dec 7, 2023
Dec 7, 2023 at 1:07 PM UTC
We were in a moving car
And I was thrown out mid journey
Unsuspectingly
Probably deservedly
We built it from nothing
We put love in it
We made a plan for the trip
But it changed
It changed so fast
I can barely catch my breath
It changed so fast
I can feel every broken part of me
The wind knocked the breath from my lungs
The impact...
The impact never ends
When one pain ends another starts
A life I planned to have
A life I wished and dreamed
A split second
It was all gone
Gone
It doesn't exist anymore
We built this car with love
So much love
So much pain
So much grief
We were on a journey
And I was thrown out
Nights and days blend
The pain doesn't end.
The pain doesn't end.
I was left
Broken. Alone.
Only indifference
Trying to walk home
In the dead of night
A risk.
So much faith.
It was so beautiful.
It was so... breathtaking.
In that moment between night and day
I almost forget.
Almost.
Then the pain settles in my bones again
But I can't make you love me.
I can't make you love me if you don't.
I hope your journey goes well
Maybe I'll meet you half way
I hope I live to see the day
I hope I can breathe again
I hope... I hope you're at peace
Jun 28, 2023
Jun 28, 2023 at 2:21 PM UTC
I thought I had it
For a moment I thought
This is how I want to be loved
This is the kind of love I want
I overlooked so many things.
I ignored so many flags.
I glazed over so many wrongs.
I thought I had it
For a moment, just for a moment,
I was loved.
I was cared for.
I had... someone
But I'm laying in the dark
Questioning my reality
Flipping through my memories
Dissecting my words
Reviewing my actions
Over and over and over
I'm sitting up at 3:16am
Asking myself if I even deserve to be loved
Wondering if I deserve to be cared for
Do I deserve... someone?
Is this love?
No. No, it isn't.
But this is familiar
The doubt, the hurt, the emptiness
The overexplanations, the silence
I dont want to fight
I dont want to argue
I dont want to yell
I want laughs under the stars
I want kindness and softness
I want balance, firm ground
I thought this was supposed to be love
But no,
No, it isn't.
Feb 22, 2023
Feb 22, 2023 at 12:20 PM UTC
I hold my breath
Because it creeps in
The loss
The grief
The sorrow
I can barely breathe
I feel the weight on me
You
The lack of
You
The days blur
Time moves slowly at first
So slow it could've moved backwards
And I'm still out of breath
I fell to my knees
I heard the words and didn't understand them
I felt the words but couldn't believe them
You were gone too fast
It's like I'm wandering
Through the aftermath of a battlefield
I can hear the screams
They could be mine
Nov 12, 2022
Nov 12, 2022 at 12:45 PM UTC
It was all in that span of 90 seconds
The first was a smile -
It wasn't special or expected
It was just a second
Fleeting but true
Yet it was a lie
The second was a crinkle by your eye -
A small movement
Usually overlooked
But it meant the world
To more than just you
The third was a touch -
Just a brush
Enough to enrapture
Almost crackling
Like there was more to it
Nov 2, 2022
Nov 2, 2022 at 11:28 AM UTC
day 1 - I was looking for your handprint in the leaves so I could have something to hold on to when I'm drowning in the sea.
day 7 - you kept your hand an inch away but along ē same phase as her breathing in hopes that one day you'd have her whispers in your chest.
day 13 - you huddle in the corner so the walls can hold you the way he used to. It's cold again and your fingertips are blue.
day 27 - they say that all ē walls look the same no matter how many times you blink & that stories are lies but you know better, don't you?
day 32 - his voice never leaves and every step you take is another reminder of him whispering to you that he never loved you.
day 46 - you're tripping over the roots of your fears and, darling, at this rate you'll never be able to outrun yourself or him or them.
day 54 - we sit across from each other without even noticing the oceans that crash into us and the ripped fabric between our eyes.
day 61 - I've caught the dreams of you and of almosts. Of reaching and barely touching fingertips. Of longing and denial. Of stepping stones and emotions that ricochet.
day 79 - they were your eyes & the natural order of things. Of us orbiting in a Higgs-Bosson type of way & we're still waiting for when we inevitably collide.
day 85 - I was staring at my hands wondering how long it was going to take me to get used to the lack of yours holding them
day 98 - hearing voices overlap the wallpaper and I haven't stopped inhaling smoke and choking on my own tears since you walked away
day 103 - they didn't see it but it's always been there,
day 108 - there are flames in our hands we can't extinguish alone
day 119 - I thought you would cherish my heart in your hands
day 127 - the walls are covered in ash and so are my lungs
day 132 - the whispered promises are on the surface of my skin
day 136 - I feel a breath of life every time you look me in the eyes and nothing could ever replace that feeling
day 144 - its like no matter how far I wander I end up back in your arms
day 159 - happiness, bliss and repeat
day 167 - you had both feet planted to grow roots for our future, this time it's forever
day 182 - the reflections in your eyes were always warm, but on this summer day they were quite far away
day 217 - our laughter doesn't echo anymore, it's always a silence
day 235 - even when you hold my hand, I barely feel your heartbeat, what is happening, my love? Where did you go?
day 270 - it's like the ocean wants to swallow me whole, will you pull me out? how far did you go?
day 302 - I can barely speak, we've been yelling for hours. I'm sorry, my love. What did I do?
day 327 - our picture frames fell in slow motion, there was a glass bottle in your hand. What do you need, my love? How can we mend?
day 344 - I looked into your eyes today, but you weren't there. There was no warmth in your touch today, I feel bare.
day 365 - you walked out the door today, a suitcase in hand. Was my love not enough? Was I the one who let us fade?
Nov 2, 2022
Nov 2, 2022 at 11:28 AM UTC
I haven't breathed easy in awhile
I keep my words hidden
My voice soft
I keep my thoughts silent
My smiles strong
Conversations were on the surface
Touch was only superficial
Never go in too deep, I told myself
Never let yourself drown
I haven't felt relaxed in awhile
They call it hypervigilance
I told him I was just observant
Guessing and second guessing
You and me and them
Closeness was artificial
Connection kept at a distance
Never get too close, I said
Broken and unbroken never again
I haven't breathed easy in awhile
The breaths I take are deep and heavy
Each step laden with weights
but light and soft and quiet
This is how I survive, this is how I survive
No, no it was never easy
The ease you see is curated
The ease you observe is practiced
Keep it light, I remind myself
Keep it muted
Oh, but I want to live
I want to breathe
I want to relax
And I wish it were that easy
I truly wish it was easy
Nov 1, 2022
Nov 1, 2022 at 3:42 AM UTC
There's fire in my veins;
A searing touch
A heated look
A molten desire
He asked me what I wanted
And with a heady breath I said
"I want to be consumed,
I want to be desired
I want what is carnal
And I want what is irresistible
I want the untameable;
The raw, unfettered truth
I want the unattainable;
The simple, uncontrollable need"
Warm breath on cold skin
Long nights of sin
He asked me again
What it was I wanted
And I told him
I want want
and desire unencumbered
I want to be consumed
Every breath, every touch, every thought
The same way flames lick at their surroundings
The way water fills every empty space
The way air swathes into endless vacuums
When earth is pressured and heated
It creates diamonds
I want to be consumed
Oct 4, 2022
Oct 4, 2022 at 9:34 AM UTC