billamrw - Hello Poetry

happiness is mad at me because i don’t write about her more often she shows up at 1:28am and hugs me tight like my mom does once in a blue moon she looks the same as always but my life doesn’t i would have shoved all my poems adressed to misery into the drawer if i’d known she is visiting “it’s okay” she said “i’m used to the stale stench of heartbreak and anxiety lingering in your bedroom” she’s lying i know she’s lying and she knows that i know she takes her usual spot on my bed “you should think of me more often” she tells me she concludes that she is after all a state of mind in turn, i tell her that hanging out with friends and forgiving my mom don’t exactly work “you just need to think of me more often” i tell her i do think of her; when the sky is pretty or the food is good i think of her between the lines of my favorite songs and each strokes of my favorite paintings not looking convinced, she glances and says “why don’t you write about me?” i don’t know the answer i want to tell her i see your face amongst picture of my friends and i; i see you in my daily glass of tea; i see you all the time and i try to write about you all the time but i don’t say anything because i already know the answer she gets up to leave and i ask her to stay she tells me she’ll try and visit again “think of me more often, think of me as if i’ve never left think of me, write about me but don’t think that you’ll find me and don’t expect me to stay” i want to send this to her but she hates it when i try to reach her and i don’t know her address but then again, it’s not like she has a permanent residence

0

Jun 3, 2021

Jun 3, 2021 at 11:11 AM UTC

billamrw

I Hope Happiness Is Forgiving

happiness is mad at me because i don’t write about her more often she shows up at 1:28am and hugs me tight like my mom does once in a blue moon she looks the same as always but my life doesn’t i would have shoved all my poems adressed to misery into the drawer if i’d known she is visiting “it’s okay” she said “i’m used to the stale stench of heartbreak and anxiety lingering in your bedroom” she’s lying i know she’s lying and she knows that i know she takes her usual spot on my bed “you should think of me more often” she tells me she concludes that she is after all a state of mind in turn, i tell her that hanging out with friends and forgiving my mom don’t exactly work “you just need to think of me more often” i tell her i do think of her; when the sky is pretty or the food is good i think of her between the lines of my favorite songs and each strokes of my favorite paintings not looking convinced, she glances and says “why don’t you write about me?” i don’t know the answer i want to tell her i see your face amongst picture of my friends and i; i see you in my daily glass of tea; i see you all the time and i try to write about you all the time but i don’t say anything because i already know the answer she gets up to leave and i ask her to stay she tells me she’ll try and visit again “think of me more often, think of me as if i’ve never left think of me, write about me but don’t think that you’ll find me and don’t expect me to stay” i want to send this to her but she hates it when i try to reach her and i don’t know her address but then again, it’s not like she has a permanent residence

32

im the one who usually held on tighter instead of letting go so i water this love knowing very well your thorns are going to make me bleed and sometimes it was red sometimes it was poetry sometimes it was hide and seek with your “i love you”s but im the one who chose to let go now and i still bleed occasionally sometimes it was regret sometimes it was the way you used to sound over the phone and sometimes its nothing and nothing is the worst way to bleed

0

Mar 15, 2021

Mar 15, 2021 at 11:09 AM UTC

billamrw

Thank You for the Rose and Rosé

im the one who usually held on tighter instead of letting go so i water this love knowing very well your thorns are going to make me bleed and sometimes it was red sometimes it was poetry sometimes it was hide and seek with your “i love you”s but im the one who chose to let go now and i still bleed occasionally sometimes it was regret sometimes it was the way you used to sound over the phone and sometimes its nothing and nothing is the worst way to bleed

11

setanmu itu, ia masih menghampiriku duduk di ujung kuku kakiku bersabda sepanjang malam agar aku tidak pernah lupa pada satu pertanyaannya: mengapa aku sampai membakar diri untuk menjual jiwa pada nyala sepercik padahal lamanya tak akan lebih dari sedetik kenapa, tanyanya, aku bersikap tak acuh padahal hati ingin bertaruh tetapi malah memilih menjauh dengan terseok-seok pula lumpuh kenapa, balik kutanya, kenapa kamu masih di sini?

0

Dec 28, 2020

Dec 28, 2020 at 3:45 AM UTC

billamrw

Setanmu Gentayangan di Kamarku

setanmu itu, ia masih menghampiriku duduk di ujung kuku kakiku bersabda sepanjang malam agar aku tidak pernah lupa pada satu pertanyaannya: mengapa aku sampai membakar diri untuk menjual jiwa pada nyala sepercik padahal lamanya tak akan lebih dari sedetik kenapa, tanyanya, aku bersikap tak acuh padahal hati ingin bertaruh tetapi malah memilih menjauh dengan terseok-seok pula lumpuh kenapa, balik kutanya, kenapa kamu masih di sini?

21

i keep cold when i talk about it. a few months is hardly enough time to keep you under my tongue, let alone let you swallow me whole. but i spent those nights waiting for you on street corners. laughing while you try to make a perfect sunny-side egg for our breakfast. learning to kiss your hard shoulder in the morning. i try and take back the pieces. but i told you about my mom. i let you meet my dad and make him laugh. i know it’s just the consequence of believing in unspoken promises. but even with all the cold i try to keep, god knows you had a smile that could’ve kept me.

0

Dec 25, 2020

Dec 25, 2020 at 10:22 AM UTC

billamrw

Alias for Unspoken Name

i keep cold when i talk about it. a few months is hardly enough time to keep you under my tongue, let alone let you swallow me whole. but i spent those nights waiting for you on street corners. laughing while you try to make a perfect sunny-side egg for our breakfast. learning to kiss your hard shoulder in the morning. i try and take back the pieces. but i told you about my mom. i let you meet my dad and make him laugh. i know it’s just the consequence of believing in unspoken promises. but even with all the cold i try to keep, god knows you had a smile that could’ve kept me.

2

so all day there was no you. it didn't hurt and i didn't miss you and i didn't want to call. but it's late now, i guess, and it hurts now, i guess, to remember those nights where i knew it was just us. no one else. remember that? but that changed when you picked her, that changed when you kissed her, that changed when you started visiting her town but i bet if i was drowning you wouldn't lend me a hand like are you glad you got out of the poems? are you glad that's not really you? are you glad you're so dedicated to something now? like a priest and something holy, just like you've always wanted something to worship that's not yourself. so it's like i'm happy for you it's just i'm not. you're still in my poems. i don't think you ever left.

0

Dec 16, 2020

Dec 16, 2020 at 10:39 AM UTC

billamrw

Night Feelings

so all day there was no you. it didn't hurt and i didn't miss you and i didn't want to call. but it's late now, i guess, and it hurts now, i guess, to remember those nights where i knew it was just us. no one else. remember that? but that changed when you picked her, that changed when you kissed her, that changed when you started visiting her town but i bet if i was drowning you wouldn't lend me a hand like are you glad you got out of the poems? are you glad that's not really you? are you glad you're so dedicated to something now? like a priest and something holy, just like you've always wanted something to worship that's not yourself. so it's like i'm happy for you it's just i'm not. you're still in my poems. i don't think you ever left.

13

pukul 02.04 aku terdiam tanpa berbahasa memikirkan sejuta hal yang seharusnya kulakukan aku terbiasa bermimpi namun kini aku tak mampu pukul 02.11 andai waktu adalah lomba maka aku selalu kalah lagi-lagi aku tidak dapat terpejam pukul 02.19 aku dan semua lamunanku terhenti sejenak oleh suara dengkuran disebelahku atau mungkin suara angin sejuk dari mesin diatasku pukul 02.22 aku ingin berlari ke dalam lautan menantang ombak berderu kencang lalu terhempas dan menghilang pukul 02.30 aku menahan air mata berusaha mengartikan rasa pencarian yang tak berujung katanya tuhan itu mahakuasa maka aku percaya jawaban itu ada dan kupejamkan mataku harap semua ini sirna

0

Dec 12, 2020

Dec 12, 2020 at 3:07 PM UTC

billamrw

22/10/20

pukul 02.04 aku terdiam tanpa berbahasa memikirkan sejuta hal yang seharusnya kulakukan aku terbiasa bermimpi namun kini aku tak mampu pukul 02.11 andai waktu adalah lomba maka aku selalu kalah lagi-lagi aku tidak dapat terpejam pukul 02.19 aku dan semua lamunanku terhenti sejenak oleh suara dengkuran disebelahku atau mungkin suara angin sejuk dari mesin diatasku pukul 02.22 aku ingin berlari ke dalam lautan menantang ombak berderu kencang lalu terhempas dan menghilang pukul 02.30 aku menahan air mata berusaha mengartikan rasa pencarian yang tak berujung katanya tuhan itu mahakuasa maka aku percaya jawaban itu ada dan kupejamkan mataku harap semua ini sirna

25

tuanku telah meninggal sudah tak dapat lagi ia ucap sajak-sajak getir perlawanan atas tuhan apalagi senandung bintang atas kita tuanku telah meninggal sentuhannya dingin tubuhnya kaku sajaknya menjadi pisau dan gurauannya antarkan duka ia tetap tertawa dalam kematiannya karena jasadnya dapat terus hidup sebagai manusia lain yang bagiku, entah siapa yang bahkan tak kukenali danurnya jika bisa aku ingin mengembalikan tubuh itu padanya akan kugali kuburan dalam hatinya kutarik keluar jenazahnya dan kubangkitkan, dalam sebuah peluk dan angan akan kubiarkan ia merasuk pada tubuh tak berhati, tak berjiwa itu pada tubuh hidup gentayangan itu

0

Dec 6, 2020

Dec 6, 2020 at 6:24 AM UTC

billamrw

Jasad Mana Tempat Ragamu Kini Bersemayam?

tuanku telah meninggal sudah tak dapat lagi ia ucap sajak-sajak getir perlawanan atas tuhan apalagi senandung bintang atas kita tuanku telah meninggal sentuhannya dingin tubuhnya kaku sajaknya menjadi pisau dan gurauannya antarkan duka ia tetap tertawa dalam kematiannya karena jasadnya dapat terus hidup sebagai manusia lain yang bagiku, entah siapa yang bahkan tak kukenali danurnya jika bisa aku ingin mengembalikan tubuh itu padanya akan kugali kuburan dalam hatinya kutarik keluar jenazahnya dan kubangkitkan, dalam sebuah peluk dan angan akan kubiarkan ia merasuk pada tubuh tak berhati, tak berjiwa itu pada tubuh hidup gentayangan itu

22

and here i am again standing down the vacant hallways it gets me wondering about the difference between losing you and finding out that someone else found you i’m tired of feeling like something you’ve misplaced but don’t have the heart to look for anymore i’m tired of wondering if you can tell the difference between the absence of my voice and silence but i learned that you can’t be the ****** weapon and be the search party so down the vacant hallways i just stand there in all of that quiet like someone looking for a mistake on an eviction notice

0

Dec 4, 2020

Dec 4, 2020 at 12:35 PM UTC

billamrw

Blood On My Hand Screams Regret

and here i am again standing down the vacant hallways it gets me wondering about the difference between losing you and finding out that someone else found you i’m tired of feeling like something you’ve misplaced but don’t have the heart to look for anymore i’m tired of wondering if you can tell the difference between the absence of my voice and silence but i learned that you can’t be the ****** weapon and be the search party so down the vacant hallways i just stand there in all of that quiet like someone looking for a mistake on an eviction notice

13

kapan kamu mau menyadari bahwa bentuk ganda muncul karena rasa takut pada tunggal semata? menjadi sendiri memang bisa membawa resah, terlebih ketika semua berkata ini sudah waktunya harga diri bisa membantah, namun di dalam hati takut memang menjadi jawab untuk sebuah tanya bila sendiri berupa satu kalut yang perlu dihindari, adakah untuk meraih tenang hanya lewat menjadi dua? tapi kamu lupa; petapa sengaja menyepi demi bertemu tenang, biksu bisa merasa teduh walau tanpa sandingan, mereka yang khusyuk menemukan tentram dalam sujudnya yang panjang sendiri, walau secara manusiawi karena bersua dengan damai hanya lewat kata cukup setelah kata cukup dipungut, menjadi sepasang bukanlah lagi sekedar penawar kalut

0

Nov 27, 2020

Nov 27, 2020 at 5:55 AM UTC

billamrw

Ini, Kan, Yang Kamu Takutkan?

kapan kamu mau menyadari bahwa bentuk ganda muncul karena rasa takut pada tunggal semata? menjadi sendiri memang bisa membawa resah, terlebih ketika semua berkata ini sudah waktunya harga diri bisa membantah, namun di dalam hati takut memang menjadi jawab untuk sebuah tanya bila sendiri berupa satu kalut yang perlu dihindari, adakah untuk meraih tenang hanya lewat menjadi dua? tapi kamu lupa; petapa sengaja menyepi demi bertemu tenang, biksu bisa merasa teduh walau tanpa sandingan, mereka yang khusyuk menemukan tentram dalam sujudnya yang panjang sendiri, walau secara manusiawi karena bersua dengan damai hanya lewat kata cukup setelah kata cukup dipungut, menjadi sepasang bukanlah lagi sekedar penawar kalut

8

“puisi itu hanya enak untuk ditulis, bukan dibaca” “hah, egois sekali, terus siapa yang mau baca semua puisi yang sudah kamu tulis?” “bukan begitu, maksudku puisi itu kan ungkapan hati penulisnya, dan ketika kita membaca puisi, kita harus selalu menebak nebak apa arti dan makna sebenar benarnya dari puisi yang kita baca. melelahkan” “lalu apa bedanya dengan hidup? inti dari hidup juga mencari makna sebenar benarnya kan?” “memang tidak ada bedanya, sama sama melelahkan”

0

Nov 27, 2020

Nov 27, 2020 at 5:10 AM UTC

billamrw

Berikan Aku Kesempatan Mengusir Lelahmu

“puisi itu hanya enak untuk ditulis, bukan dibaca” “hah, egois sekali, terus siapa yang mau baca semua puisi yang sudah kamu tulis?” “bukan begitu, maksudku puisi itu kan ungkapan hati penulisnya, dan ketika kita membaca puisi, kita harus selalu menebak nebak apa arti dan makna sebenar benarnya dari puisi yang kita baca. melelahkan” “lalu apa bedanya dengan hidup? inti dari hidup juga mencari makna sebenar benarnya kan?” “memang tidak ada bedanya, sama sama melelahkan”

5