I find it funny that when I was 8,
One of the first things I learned to spell was,
beautiful.
Now I am 17,
I cant look at the mirror.
I feel ugly,
fat,
worthless.
Sometimes life is ironic
why would I learn to spell something,
I would learn to hate?
I am not
B E A U T I F U L
i am
U G L Y
I wish I had never learned to spell
Maybe I would have learned not to bother
I am not
P R E T T Y
or
S K I N N Y
or
S M A R T
I wish I didn't learn to spell
maybe then,
I wouldn't have to let words define who I am
Oct 7, 2015
Oct 7, 2015 at 11:41 AM UTC
I feel so ugly,
so out of place.
So worthless,
like I have the world to face.
Life pushes me,
this time I don't fight back.
I sit there and let it push me,
further,
further,
further down.
Nearly down a well of nothingness.
Here I am,
This is where I will stay.
I am happy this way
Happy feeling depressed.
Happy feeling worthless.
Happy feeling and being ugly.
I don't belong anywhere,
nowhere at all.
Oct 7, 2015
Oct 7, 2015 at 11:35 AM UTC
I'm tired
too tired to care
I'm trying so hard
I know its not enough
I can't be fixed
please don't try
someday,
I'll be dead and gone
and you'll move on
I just cant do this anymore
the days will go on,
but I will not
I am done
done with this misery people call "life:"
what's the point of life,
if we don't enjoy it?
Why do I live,
if the suffering is inevitable?
and don't ever stop feeling numb
when can I be done and gone?
i'm just a memory,
nothing art all
May 13, 2015
May 13, 2015 at 8:59 AM UTC
Dear friends,
Hello. How are you? I'm fine, thanks.
Recently, I haven't been opening up at all,
And I'm sorry,
Some of you I trust with little things,
Some, not at all...
Well, you know who you are and where you stand.
There's allot of things i haven't been telling you
Now, I wont go in depth,
Cause there's not much time left,
But this might be my last chance to be honest.
Things have been getting worse,
Slowly with time
I don't even know who I am anymore,
I've lost control.
I had a mental breakdown about a week ago
I guess it's just too much, all of this
I can't do this anymore
Now, don't say "I'm sorry"
There's nothing to be sorry for
I couldn't let you in,
Because I shut my windows and doors
I've realized one thing,
It just wont get better,
My life slowly fell apart,
Day by day,
And here I am
Ready to just die
The lies don't make things better
But I can't tell the truth either
Who wants to know the truth anyways?
I'm sure I really don't,
Not now, not ever,
Because when someone tells the truth,
Someone else gets hurt
Don't ask what happened,
Because there's no answer,
No real explanation
Its my fault...
It always has been
Goodbye friends
sincerely, Apathy, aka Holdingon, aka em1640, aka Emily
Jan 25, 2015
Jan 25, 2015 at 8:31 PM UTC
when i was younger,
too oblivious to understand what was going on,
i didn't know what was happening.
we would play a little game
hiding in the hallway,
running in and out of my room,
laughing, having fun.
well, we were too young to understand what was going on.
i didn't understand until years later,
that when we were playing games,
my parents were fighting,
getting closer and closer to there divorce
years later, i now understand what happened,
but now, i honestly wish i didn't...
because my family was broken,
and i'm broken now too
Jan 25, 2015
Jan 25, 2015 at 8:11 PM UTC
If you wanted to know, how it feels.
It feels like your restrained,
From being happy.
Like your being held back from being okay.
And, honestly,
It's not easy
It's like being sore or in pain,
and not being able to show it,
No matter how much pain your in.
The problem with it is,
the people that seem happiest,
often are the most depressed
That's why its so hard to tell if someones depressed
It's also one of the hardest things to deal with,
The sadness.
The hopelessness.
The numbness.
And yet people still keep a smile on there face.
when it gets so bad.
and people die,
because they cant take it anymore
everyone says "I didn't know it was that bad"
well, they didn't want you to know it was that bad
that's what I hate about depression,
people suffer in silence,
and don't have anyone that supports them,
and when they are gone,
everyone is shocked,
because no one knew they were depressed
So please,
People out there,
don't suffer in silence,
talk to someone,
talk to me,
because I care,
I know how depression feels
and the fake smiles,
and all the "i'm fines"
I know depression ***** ***
but, please
don't suffer in silence,
because that's what i do,
don't be me,
please
Dec 13, 2014
Dec 13, 2014 at 6:32 PM UTC
I know it's just a number.
but it's not to me,
to me, it's a score.
What kind of score?
not a sports score.
Not a test score, for class,
or a quiz score, for school,
but, a reality check.
I took a depression test,
for my new therapist.
40 was the minimum,
for Extreme Depression.
I got a score of 52.
It made me upset,
more than I already am.
Cause I didn't think what I am feeling is that bad,
now i'm really sad
Dec 11, 2014
Dec 11, 2014 at 8:41 AM UTC
here I am, once again,
in my corner, music in my ears,
and there's everyone around me,
enjoying time with there friends.
maybe for a change,
I don't want to be the person people ignore,
I am like an outsider,
i mean nothing, nothing at all
there is a wall between me and the world
I try to climb it,
I try to break it, or even chip at it,
I try to stop the essence of this wall from torturing me
but I fail, and don't succeed one bit
it hurt at first,
that no one cares
but over time,
you get used to it
but as time goes on,
and nothing changes,
with the loneliness,
the ostracization,
i grow content
maybe they were right,
i am nothing,
nothing but an outsider looking in
Nov 22, 2014
Nov 22, 2014 at 9:55 PM UTC
my walls are thick,
three feet deep
that's why i'm protecting you
so you wont see the side of me i don't let people see
I build my walls so thick,
you cant break through
I build my walls so high,
you'll never be able to climb
I know, you want me to trust you,
but I cant
i'm afraid i'll get hurt again
I build my walls so high, so thick
that you cant get in
I know you want to be there
but i'm so scared
Nov 12, 2014
Nov 12, 2014 at 6:23 PM UTC
why?
why did I do it?
why did I start what I stopped?
why did I think of the things I shouldn't have thought?
so there I was,
blade in my hand,
getting ready to cut again
you ask me why?
why is it that out of everything,
the cutting is the thing I find?
I know its hard to hide,
but I don't mind
the pain is the thing I need
I feel the pain again as I bleed
I need something I can control
please don't call me a fool
I know I relapsed
but telling you was the only thing I could do
Nov 12, 2014
Nov 12, 2014 at 6:18 PM UTC