You taught me what it felt to be one and the same, with a girl whose smile and perfection is, one and the same.
You taught me how to wish for things we don't need, like a body to hold onto under satin white sheets.
You taught me how to feel accompanied, regardless of the lack of company. Butterfly wings, make me feel crowded enough.
...
And then I realize how long it's been since you've left. But these are lessons you've taught so well, so I still remember –
How it feels to want to be one and the same, with a girl whose smile makes her mistakes go away.
How it feels to lie alone under satin white sheets, wishing that having you beside me was something I didn't need.
... I still remember when Alexander used to be Alex and Her
... I've never learned how to forget.
Nov 16, 2014
Nov 16, 2014 at 4:43 AM UTC
I am told that I apologize too frequently
And it's true, I'm sorry
I'm sorry for who I am, and
more importantly who I could be and should be but am not
If I could
I would
escape this body
This stomach
These thighs
These arms
This mind
This mouth
If I could
I would be tall and strong and proud
If I could
I would be athletic and healthy
I would enjoy running and jumping and forgetting
I would have games you could attend
And awards you could collect
And a GPA you could overlook
I would embody a daughter you could accept
If I could have a ***** I would
I would stop the disappointment before it began
I would be the mistake that was worth it
I would walk with my chin up
I would be funny and fearless
Everything that you think you are
I would be persuasive and charming
I would dribble a ball
or maybe even throw one
I would be accepting of your mistakes because it's likely I would repeat them
I wouldn't be so sensitive,
or so difficult to be around
I would be the son you have to tried so tirelessly to morph me into
If I could I would have a voice that I am unafraid to use
I would say what I want to say when I want to say it
And not worry about who hears or who cares
I would be honest and open
And not concern myself with privacy,
Tear this fleshy exterior and give my bones some air
Let my secrets and my past and my fears breathe
I would need you as much as you need me
Let you hug me and hold me and believe that everything will be alright, when it won't
If I could I would overlook all afflictions you have done and make you feel like my life has been unaffected by your mistakes
I would be strong and brass
I would be smarter and more leveled
If I could I would unravel and go unguarded to be poked and prodded
Just to make you feel closer to me
If I could I would stop being so emotional
I would sow my tear ducts shut and hold my feelings about what you have done to me at my feet
so they never reach my tongue
If I could I would stop being so flawed
So freckled
and so fatty
So hairy
and so unhappy
So determined
and so disappointing
So opinionated
and so oppressed
If I could I would shed this skin and become the woman life and those who gave it to me want me to be
My wave of self hate comes in cycles
And today the tide is especially high
If I was sorry
For being a human being
I would
I apologize
Nov 12, 2014
Nov 12, 2014 at 2:58 AM UTC
1
I see you, ya
I may be finger-punching
my smart phone at the dining table -
but darling, I see you, yeah
We’re seated at the table
you say something
but you think I’m listening to
Taylor Swift on Youtube
True - but hey,
I see ya, I hear you
I hear both of you
I multiply, I multi-task you see
2
I’m walking along the shops
I’m pushing the pram
with my baby inside
and I’m updating status
on the phone too
and getting that download –
but hey, stranger round the corner
I see you, ya, don't ya worry; yeah I see
my baby and I see you
stranger round the corner –
but hey, watch where your going
3
hey - I see you guys, I see you
no doubt all day I sit
in my couch tapping away
on my new supersize phone
but I’m smart hey – I see you guys
I see you my darling at the kitchen –
get me another coffee, will ya
And I see the kids glued to their sets
and little Toby our kitten
curled at my feet – why, thank you
for the coffee;
darling, can you
put a few cans of beer in the fridge –
see? I see ya, yeah…I see you all
Nov 12, 2014
Nov 12, 2014 at 2:08 AM UTC
I really enjoy school,
like, really REALLY enjoy school.
Aside from the insurance of a happier future, which will come in time,
there's also that guarantee of a happier time, which is now,
which is whenever she's around.
Whenever she's around, I do better, simple as that.
It's the simplest fact, she motivates me.
She motivates me to get that 100%, to do more than just pass,
to get A's as straight as Rulers used in geometry class,
Shout out to Mrs. L!
And you know what isn't enough?
7 periods in a day.
Give me 10 more commas, a hyphen, anything, to help me catch my breath –
she's taken it all, and with it she ran away.
She takes notes as efficiently as the way she passes them to me.
I'd study our nation's entire timeline, and still make time for dinner and a movie.
She makes me smile like there were helium balloons tied to the ends of my lips,
balloons, red like my cheeks, as they touch the ends of your fingertips,
But before it can rise past the stratosphere,
Take my hand, let's get out of here,
I don't need to be in chemistry class,
We've already taught each other that,
and truthfully my dear,
we've got a bond stronger than H2O.
So drown me in memories we've made,
and hold me under the ones we will.
If I have to be wherever you are, no matter how far, I'll be there still.
You make perfect attendance so **** easy to me.
xoxo
Nov 12, 2014
Nov 12, 2014 at 1:47 AM UTC
I am stubborn.
I would probably stub my toe on the same leg, of the same table, repeatedly, over some period of time, instead of making sure that said table, and said leg, never meet, my poor little toe.
Which is fairly easy, but instead, I must now walk awkwardly, because it hurts to put pressure on my bruised foot. I curse under my
breath. I am upset, yet,
I'm not sure if I can simply stop falling.
I am stubborn.
I would probably break my heart, by entrusting it to the wrong hands, of the same girl, repeatedly, over some period of time, instead of making sure that said hands, and said girl, never meet, my poor little heart.
Which sounds fairly impossible, so instead, I must now breathe awkwardly, because the bruise placed inside my chest is unbearable.
I curse at myself for breathing, I am in agony, yet,
I'm not sure if I can simply stop falling.
Jul 3, 2014
Jul 3, 2014 at 7:40 PM UTC
Scientists estimate that you will fall in love seven times before you get married.
That 50% of these marriages will end in divorce.
That lesbians get their sexuality from their fathers inability to maintain a platonic relationship with a woman, pram pushing into bedrooms whilst our mothers clean with wine stained pinafores and nicotine laced lips.
So when I sip seduction from your navel, when I unwrap you like the present at Christmas I never got, untieing the ribbon as I undo your jeans, just know, the only I do I will say is when you ask me if I think you look pretty.
I am chasing something that cannot be caught, something that has an expiry date before I can even co-create this thing called love.
So forgive me if the only aisle I will see you up is the biscuit aisle, pulling the fabric of my non-wedding dress around my slipping tights,
forgive me if I trade in the sweat on your neck for the salt side of tequila as sometimes I like to use the wool from over my eyes to knit me telescope so I can look at the stars between your thighs, but no one ever tells you that when you wish upon a star, that star has surely died.
Because I want to fall in and out of love 7 times.
Correction: I want to fall in and out of love with you 7 times.
I want to press you, not in a book, but against me. Imprint the lines of your finger tips on my ******* like maps of Alantis because I want to go places with you I never knew existed.
I want your nails engraved on my back like constellations of stars so I can always find my way back to now. To then.
The present. The past. That very moment where Greenwich meantime got it wrong.
Those seconds were longer than any before, and my life has been full of seconds. Second best. Second chances. Second love. The third the forth, the fifth the sixth but the 7th, the 7th time you tell me is no longer reserved for you.
You tell me the 7th time is for me to fall inexplicably, uncontrollably in love with myself.
So when I walk you up a different kind of aisle I can do it with you by my side.
Jun 14, 2014
Jun 14, 2014 at 4:24 AM UTC
I really should stay away from boys like you.
Who take me to their rooms and don't go anywhere near the bed, just put their arm around me and tell me about themselves. Who touch my cheek and look at me for a moment when they talk about things they love.
The beautiful, innocent ones with stars in their eyes. Who introduce me to their parents and hold my hand and hold me and don't try anything in the dark.
Boys who I really, really don't deserve, who eventually see that for themselves and leave, taking a piece of my heart with them.
Boys like you, honey.
Jun 14, 2014
Jun 14, 2014 at 3:47 AM UTC
Tonight, I'm not sad enough to string together sentences that attempt to stitch shut the cuts that scatter my heart.
Tonight, I haven't fallen deep enough in love to create a vivid image of us and if I tried, its thousand words wouldn't be loud enough to break the silence that it is painted on.
I don't know what I am tonight, and the blank that follows "I am..." will remain empty when the sun comes up.
I should try to draw even more of those, until I have enough blanks and lines to draw a plethora of Z's that I can catch, only so I can wake up to an unanswered question.
My pillow supports a head full of sweet nothings, with no one to whisper them to, so these candied thoughts will slowly slide down into the pile of forgotten things, where all the things that used to matter, find themselves stuck in a state of irrelevance.
I think that's what I am tonight,
Stuck in a state of irrelevance
Jun 13, 2014
Jun 13, 2014 at 4:26 PM UTC
To be broken
Without repair
Is a game without a token
To have been caught and snared
I've got a bad habit
We all do
A favorable habit
Let it forward and ensue
The smile is a trap
With all the warning signs
I guzzle the drugs
To take the plunge
And shift through the wreckage
Piece it together with perpetual guilt
We can't cure the sickness
When it's cold before you hit the ground
Let it snow let it snow let it snow
Hopefully the cold will numb it
As it did before
Then when summer comes to melt the ground
Pick me up as you did before
Broken and battered
Repaired and bruised
When I jump again
Maybe just maybe
You won't put me together
And help me again
Jun 11, 2014
Jun 11, 2014 at 3:52 AM UTC
I crave honesty
Though I weep to it's side effects
I've seen the ******** and many lies
Can you tell from my bitter eyes
Accepting and tolerating
The truth with the lies
I'm turned immortal by a stone dragon
Cursed to be reborn from A phoenixs' ashes
Just to be held close
To know it never felt close to love
Because love never felt so good
Which is what made it an enemy
I turned my back to the knife right at me
Hoping another entity maliciously pierced me
Situations change but don't lie to me
This love is all that I got
And when the escapism fades
All I'll have is the shirt on my back
Jun 11, 2014
Jun 11, 2014 at 3:51 AM UTC