here i am sifting through images in my head again,
and i’m still not really sure which ones are from now
and which ones are from then.
all i know is that time has lost meaning,
and i don’t have the energy to fight.
i still feel you on top of me most nights.
i’m sorry.
i’m so sorry,
and i don’t really know for what,
i guess i was praying those words
would make you stop?
but those prayers went unanswered
i wasn’t strong enough to push you off.
and that was the night that i lost god.
as a kid i used to pray before going to bed,
but ever since god left me, i’ve been writing
and rewriting suicide notes in my head.
its ironic because they sound much like a prayer
god, please take me home i don’t want to be here.
Apr 8, 2017
Apr 8, 2017 at 1:59 PM UTC
and however you arrived here today,
whether it was your soul raging just as much
as the storm around you and finding yourself
pounding on the door between then and now
with bloodied and bruised fists,
or whether it was feeling your heart shatter
into a million pieces and so bravely picking
each one up and trying to complete the puzzle
of your heart with no guide, once again.
you are here now
and here is becoming home
and you are piecing yourself whole again
and you are learning that no guide is ok
because now you get to decide what whole is
and how whole feels
and then one day you'll learn that the storm
wasn’t the only force raging inside of your soul,
courage was there all along raging just as strong.
courage was the pounding on the door of now, bruised fists and all.
courage was the piecing together of your heart again
and soon you’ll learn that underneath all of the rubble and pain,
you were always whole.
pieces of your heart together or not,
you are and have always been undeniably whole.
Mar 21, 2017
Mar 21, 2017 at 6:21 PM UTC
I don't want you to know that I'm going down/
All the words getting stuck in the back of my throat/
My blood turning still and lifeless within my veins/
I chased you without knowing the price to pay/
Oh baby I'm a tormented soul in this world/
It's so hard for me to let go of the stars/
Oh I'm going down in flames today/
Someone give me a reason to stay/
Feb 22, 2017
Feb 22, 2017 at 12:17 PM UTC
Everything you took from me
Summed up to everything I was
The hardest thing about it all
Wasn't letting you go
It was arranging a new me
You wouldn't ever know
Feb 22, 2017
Feb 22, 2017 at 12:11 PM UTC
monday morning
and my skin still looks like
something you could touch,
but we both know from experience
it would burn you if you tried.
my mouth in the mirror
is soft and still alive
and hides the ghostly grinning skull
we remember from our nightmares.
wednesday every pore is oozing poison,
and when you tell me
i look pretty in my dress,
i can feel the sharp edges of scales
pressing up through thin flowered fabric.
wednesday i slash my lips red,
and as in nature it's a warning.
i am only an animal and
i have been consumed enough times
that my body has
made itself dangerous.
friday is a heavy knit sweater
even though it is warm,
because friday my chest
is caving in
and i cannot stand
even the accidental brush
of someone else's skin on mine.
friday no one tells me
i look pretty
and i fill my lungs a little fuller.
sunday is disembodied echoes,
a bathroom floor,
and a body that has never been mine.
sunday is gorgeous,
because i am not real,
and i am not here,
and all the things that have
happened to this body
have nothing at all to do with me.
sunday i am nowhere, which is
as close as i have ever been
to free.
Feb 20, 2017
Feb 20, 2017 at 1:52 PM UTC
Do you ever feel stuck,
like the ground is glued
to the bottom
of your shoes,
or the clouds never move
despite having
every reason to
And your friends never stop
running circles
around you,
moving like a picture trail,
capturing every
last one of their accomplishments
just to compare it
to the empty trophy shelf
gathering cobwebs
in your living room
Do you ever feel stuck,
like the world is spinning
around you,
faster and faster
and it's all you can do
not to sleep
the days away,
finding some comfort
in closed eyes and nightmares
anything but the spins
I would compare this
feeling to quicksand,
but even then,
you're still going
somewhere
*even if it is down
even if it is to an untimely end*
Do you ever feel stuck
like there is no beginning,
and there is no end
This poem has neither,
in most regards,
it doesn't exist
So I'll leave you with
an incomplete sentence
Stuck....
A proper ending,
if there ever were one
Feb 18, 2017
Feb 18, 2017 at 8:57 PM UTC
panicked apologies spilled from my mouth that night.
and now they echo like a chorus in my mind
as if i never left that night behind.
“please, no”
“you don’t have to do this”
“i didn’t mean to make you angry”
“i’m so sorry”
i’m
s o r r y.
my words weren’t enough that night.
i felt the life draining from within me right before my eyes,
desperately trying to save whatever light there was left in me,
but i died.
i
d i e d.
the world around me turned dark
and soon blood started spilling from my veins
instead of flowing through my heart.
if i wasn’t enough to save myself that night,
will i ever be enough to pull myself back up towards the light?
Feb 18, 2017
Feb 18, 2017 at 7:52 PM UTC
i want to scream **** you god !!
**** you for letting people hurt so badly that
they feel the only way for their pain to end
is to take their lives.
**** you for not letting me die when
i tried so hard to leave this world.
i am still hurting god
i am hurting so much.
i am angry at you god but
i need you right now.
i need you more than ever.
i feel so alone, god.
please help me
please guide me
please hold me
please comfort me
please let me know why you are giving
me so much pain all at once because
it feels like you are trying to **** me.
no human is meant to withstand
such heavy things all at once.
is this you trying to let me know
that i can’t do this on my own?
is this you telling me to reach for you?
because if it is god, then i will reach.
i promise i will reach.
i will do anything to find peace and strength
in this life because i am feeling so tired and weak.
i know i want to kick and scream and punch you, god
but i also want to believe in you, know you and trust you.
i have an overwhelming urge to love everyone,
to walk up and hug random people on the street.
anything to keep them from the pain i have felt.
god,
please love everyone a little louder tonight.
please hold the hurting extra tight.
i don’t usually ask for much, god
but if you have some love left over,
please send it my way.
i can’t do this on my own anymore.
Feb 18, 2017
Feb 18, 2017 at 1:12 PM UTC
to the flames of this fire,
i am giving you my pain,
may you soften it.
i am giving you my fear,
may you dissolve it.
i am giving you my rage,
may you resolve it.
dear self,
may you allow yourself time to grieve.
grieve that innocence that was lost far too soon.
grieve those years that were lost to a pain
far too overwhelming for most to understand.
you need to grieve.
and it is ok to take time and do just that.
as the pain begins to soften,
room for more beautiful things will begin to form.
may you let this be a new beginning,
one where you allow yourself to grow
and learn and share and heal.
and dear universe,
when i forget,
may you remind me that i did not live through
a sadness so heavy only to let my struggle be forgotten.
may you remind me that there is a
purpose for this pain of mine.
because there is a way to the light,
and i am finding myself closer and closer to it
with every breath.
may you remind me to
let my journey guide others.
let my fight inspire others.
let my story be told
and let my heart stay whole.
Feb 18, 2017
Feb 18, 2017 at 1:11 PM UTC