I think I’ve had enough
Me and my anxiety need to have a
Face to face conversation
Where i look her in her eyes
And ask
Why
Do we keep attracting the same
Beings that trigger us
Those same looks that cause heart palpitations
Out of our chest
Until we hyperventilate
Leading to suffocation
That somehow convinces us that this is love
Again
He’s the one
Or is he the one
I’ve run out of fallacies to believe in
My anxiety and I need to converse
Because our relationship has turned into a *********
Where i fight but she allows the same
Corpses lingering in fertile flesh
Jumping from bones to bones
A lingering spirit with different smiles but the same song and dance
And she knows that we love a party
That will lead right back to my self destruction
Mar 29, 2020
Mar 29, 2020 at 9:43 AM UTC
You would’ve been 25 today
And yet today, we have not been blessed with the graces of brown eyes, brazen golden shoulders
Telling the begotten tale of a black man’s prosperous survival
In a cruel world meant to defeat him
We didn’t get the chance to hear the sound of your arms wrapping around your mother
As she announced her bid for the office
Or see the thoughts flowing
Out of your eyes as you gazed
Into the clouds, creating space craft that would fly past the ionosphere
Today, you would’ve been 25
Sharing memories of adolescence and manhood with those that follow you
Chugging a beer with your kinfolk as your father beams at you proudly
Today, you would have been 25
And all we can do is mourn
For you and the millions of black Boyz
Whose hoodies are viewed as a threat to a society that views them as your bullet proof vest
Feb 6, 2020
Feb 6, 2020 at 6:49 AM UTC
I’ve been trying to be in agreement
With you and your power
Begging you to use it wisely
Versus allowing maggots to
Plant seeds in your Fertile Crescent
Convincing yourself that you’ll birth butterflies
But somehow they won’t escape from their cocoon
You are bruised
And scattered
From accepting changing faces with the same name and vernacular just to feel the depths of your vessel
Beat it up just enough for you to think you’ve discovered your worth
And now, you think you are dying
I told you, you’re worth more than fake ******* and the subtle loneliness you experience when he comes inside of you
You are the universe
Yet you’re Buried in darkness
Only to make your journey around the sun
To find redemption
It is time
To come together
Come back to me
And coexist in one being
Surrender to your truth
Jan 26, 2020
Jan 26, 2020 at 1:29 PM UTC
I seem to think of you
When my trauma wakes me up at 3 AM
Convincing me that the smell of your touch
Will bring me to me a euphoric ******
When all i can remember is the shrill sounds of your rage
With your phalanges around my throat in bouts of anger
Or ecstasy
Tricking my frontal cortex into thinking
That this is what security feels like
Where real love equates to immense suffering
And “i love you”
wreaks in self sacrifice
But that feels better than accepting
The silence of loneliness at night
Because you're not here for our
Emotional incontinence to rock
Each other to sleep
Jan 22, 2020
Jan 22, 2020 at 5:15 AM UTC
You were born with a target on your back
Not solely because the melanin in your skin
Is a reflection of the sun rise
But the patriarchy made it unacceptable
For me to love you, anyway
Due to imposed inferiority
The inferiority of the Caucasian man
and pseudoscientific dispositions;
he saw the power of your birthright
Way Before your conception
and deemed you dangerous
A danger to society
A danger to yourself
A danger to your creator, which is me,
Because i was taught by my father’s actions that you would learn to how to hate black women
So i was made to believe that carrying you was an attempt at committing suicide
Finding out your gender
Was like puncturing my aorta
A self-inflicted wound
Because out here in this sphere of chaos,
there was a possibility that I could lose you
Lose you to the streets
Or , more scarily,
lose you to the barrel of a .45 being held by a Chad
Who would confuse your prepubescent body
with that of a man’s
while holding a water gun outside and mistaking your robust laughter for angry outbursts
But
I was mainly worried that I’d lose you to yourself
So Becoming shelter to black testosterone
Felt like suffocation
For my mind became a chamber of pessimism because those that carry the Y chromosome only dispensed
their love in me
Never for me , and always with a condition
That was until i heard your heart beat
And with each flutter and strengthening kick
I vowed to guard you with my life on
Lock
Your entrance into this world taught me it’s okay to be human
And Your tiny little hands, as they gently brush against my face,
remind me that it’s perfectly normal to resurrect my being every time
I succumb to the unrealistic expectations of mankind
I thank you, for introducing me to my destiny
I look into your eyes and I realize that
God must be a black woman
because who could ever create something so beautiful
And as a woman alone, a black woman alone
Raising up a black boy and molding
Him into greatness in such
bone chattering realities
Is terrifying
I promise,
Mommy’s got your back
And though your father has disappeared into the clouds
As the narrative of black men abandoning their offspring
Lingers into the density of the night behind him
Know that I will always be a present
Even if the world has already singled you out,
Betting its odds against you,
I guarantee I will be your highest bidder
There’s no need to be afraid
I don’t care if your power is viewed as a threat
And your anxiety will cause you to viciously watch
Your back as the days progress
Know that
You are bulletproof
For I created you with resilience
And i am your portal
Navigate through me
and I guarantee
you’ll find your refuge
Right back on pride rock where you belong
And I’ll be standing there
with open arms
Remember, i am your lion’s guard.
Dec 2, 2018
Dec 2, 2018 at 11:49 PM UTC
You had the audacity to claim
Your love language dripped off my tongue
I didn’t know that physical touch could taste so sweet
We’ve made love to a codependent fallacy of laying in the midnight hour
In each other's anointing oil,
convincing ourselves that this is love
Not that insertion is an addiction
And the only physical touch that you are fluent in is a pelvic ******
and the only language your tongue
Is fluent in
Is betrayal
Sep 20, 2018
Sep 20, 2018 at 8:50 AM UTC
I guess we can consider this a toxic relationship
Where you have you the power to bless me with your shadows
Every so often
Because i allow you to re-enter the cherry blossomed gates of my universe without apology
For each and every time you’ve left me wondering
If you even still exist
I feel the stings of your inconsistency
The moment you decide to reappear
Upon my flesh
With sweet kisses of memoriam
Of that dreaded night of our introduction
Where gulps of Easy Jesus, whispered “take it Easy, Jesus,”
Yet i still chose to drown in my sins anyway
That beautiful brown clouded my vision
Led me to the scent of freshly cleansed white sheets
And four white walls
That reflect the violence that attacked my privacy
Acquainting me to the silent monster
That’s never present
Yet readily shows up for our quarterly meetings
Reminding me of
You
Aug 23, 2018
Aug 23, 2018 at 1:21 PM UTC
I tend to fall into a complacent obsession
Over unhealthy attachments
That will lead to me self-harm
And carving suicidal thoughts along
The dotted lines of my veins
Just so I can portray my favorite role
Once again -
The victim
Aug 7, 2018
Aug 7, 2018 at 4:31 PM UTC
I just wanted to tell you that I forgive you
Wanted to tell you that
There’s no need to apologize
For i already have taken full responsibility for coddling your self destruction
I hold myself accountable for mind ******* your insecurities, orgasming myself into an illusion
and giving you the audacity to feel entitled to do me the way that you did me
This beautiful toxicity was at my disposal
For lying in bed with your agony replaced me having to face my own in the mirror
So, why don’t you accept this apology from me
I promise you I won’t throw palm trees at your presence
And I will smile every time you see me grace your walkway
Because you have given me motivation to be a better
Healthier woman for a man who doesn’t even know
That someone like me exists
I promise you now, I’m preserving my energy
You can no longer suffocate the peace in me
This is the end
Jul 20, 2018
Jul 20, 2018 at 5:10 PM UTC
I made the decision to love you
Not because your actions were deserving
But because loving me properly
Involved too much work,
Requiring an isolation that I was not willing to forego
Due to selfish, adolescent inadequacies
That i held onto for the purpose of continued victimization
So I chose you as a cohabitant in my desperation
To gain some type of clarity
Control over miscarried thoughts
And feelings
conceptualized into flesh and bone
Jul 20, 2018
Jul 20, 2018 at 9:20 AM UTC