Last year I wanted to **** myself
This year I don't want too
I just want to hurt myself.
Slit my wrists and watch the blood rip down my hands
Feel the sizle of wrapping my wounds
Daddy asked me the other day what I filter when we're talking
He says I don't filter what comes out of my brain
He says he knows me better than I know myself
He says that this is what he went to school for.
If he knows me so well,
why did I go so long feeling that way
If he knows me so well,
why did I feel like I could **** myself
Why did I try to **** myself and he didn't even know
Why when I told him that I was slitting my wrists he laughed in my face
Why didn't he notice anything at all
He says i'm a bad liar, but I have lied my way through every conversation we've had the genuine
true
real me.
The feelings that I feel on a daily basis
He will never know,
because
the facade,
the mask that I put on every morning
is so realistic you would think that's my face.
The only thing keeping me from leaving this earthly plane is not the fear of death, but what my death would do to him,
my mother.
My brothers
I haven't tried to hurt myself in 3 months
Summertime is keeping me clean
How I will survive the winter
I do not know
the long sleeves of fall
Give me every reason to fall back into the hole I was in not too long ago
But the guilt
The shame
The lies
That's what holds me back
Feb 6
Feb 6, 2026 at 6:07 PM UTC
I've only recently been able to admit to the idea that I am depressed
No
A person with depression
I know I have things
I have a history
I think in my head an attempt isn't depression
Just a bad decision
Symptoms of depression include
• Irritability
• Difficulty concentrating
• Lack of energy
• insomnia or excessive sleeping
Obviously I don't have those
I'm not irritable I'm probably just hungry
I haven't been able to concentrate my whole life. Why start now
I'm a teenager of course i'm tired
It's not sleeping excessively I just like naps
Its that **** phone
If your room weren't such a mess
Get out more
Socialize
There's light at the end of the-
Shut up
Two years ago I tried to end my life
Downed a bottle of pain meds and a canister of albuteral
All to wake up with just a sore throat
It didn't work so here I am again
Against my own worse judgements
Too tired to try again so I'm just gonna go to sleep
So now I'm going to sleep
tomorrow I will remember how to be happy.
And then by 2pm I'll forget again
Completing the circle
Feb 6
Feb 6, 2026 at 6:06 PM UTC
I was expecting more
What was i that everyone is always expecting more
Why am I not more
I am enough
I am enough
I am enough for me
Can it be just us that was wrong
Not me
Maybe the season
February
My month
The evil month
I feel like i want something
I want something from someone that I know that most people can't give to me
I think i'm constantly letting people down
Because of what my mind is holding me back from allowing myself to do
I have rules.
I have a plan and I want a boyfriend
but that's not in the plan
Graduate have my year
Go to college
Get my dream job
live alone
Get a dog
Get married
Live with my husband
A man always a man
because mama says, i'm not doing any of that other nonsense it's not biblical
So I'll marry a man
Have a child
Work
Retire
Die.
16
I don't get a boyfriend at 16
Momma says not to go to college with a boyfriend
So it's too late for me now
So that can just be an idea.
A dream
My boyfriend can live once again in the pages of my notebooks
It was nice while it lasted.
But I knew in my head, it wasn't in the plan.
He didn't deserve not to be in the plan
He didn't deserve to be a speck
He didn't deserve to mean less to me than the I mean to him
Our love doesn't deserve to be later in the plan.
But it is
Love is for when you're older
Love only breaks your heart
Mama says no one has the time to be heartbroken at 16
I'll try it when i'm older.
I guess.
I don't know what it's like to be heartbroken.
I've never done it before
Is this being heartbroken?
Feeling like I took something away from myself?
An option?
No part of me is missing, but I miss part of him
Maybe he was expecting more of something that I could have given
But at the end of it all
I wasn't sure myself, and he deserves someone who's sure.
Feb 6
Feb 6, 2026 at 5:56 PM UTC
I dont know why I want this so bad
You.
You're no one
Truly I want you
The idea of a you
I want to be an us
I want to not want
I want to not want my phone to be buzzing all the time
I want to not care
About everyone
About february
Feb 6
Feb 6, 2026 at 5:55 PM UTC
I've never been heart broken
I've never had the the chance
I've never met a man worth getting my heart broken over
I know though
Id have to give you every bit of me
and im not sure
That you're ready to see
who i am
I've never been heartbroken.
You'll never have the chance
I'll never let you see who i am
There's a type of love I want, but love comes with a risk
And I can't give you that
I can't give you that
My heart is mine to have
I fear handing it away
Because i
I never want to see it break
I've never been heart broken
I've never had the the chance
I've never met a man worth getting my heart broken over
May 29, 2025
May 29, 2025 at 2:31 AM UTC
The devil is beautiful
That's the point
No one wants to be ugly
Beautiful does not equate inherent goodness
Lucifer was god's favorite
so beautiful
so perfect
Vain
He fell
The devil is.
So beautiful.
you can't help but follow him
Track him with your eyes
Fall into his gaze
Actions be ****** because
God is hard
God is divine, a being you can't look at for fear you'll never look back away
God is the type of divinity that strikes feat in nations
The devil is easy
Comfortable
Conventional
Convenient
Do I really want to be beautiful?
Apr 25, 2025
Apr 25, 2025 at 1:47 AM UTC
I don't think the world would comprehend what I mean when I say I have intuitive thoughts.
When I say I think about grabbing a knife from the cupboard and
I'm not gonna finish that one
The thoughts bleed from my head.
I look like carrie
Obscene words cover me from top to bottom
Next time you get in the shower you should water board yourself
Put a fork in the microwave and watch it explode in your face
Get ready in the morning with a nice ice bath for your face, just use boiling water
Clip your nails, clean off. Keep cutting.
You should shave until there's nothing left
Bleed
Cut
Bleed
But those intrinsive thoughts aren't silly and funny
So i'm gonna stick to
You should eat that whole jar of nutella
Mar 30, 2025
Mar 30, 2025 at 12:15 AM UTC
I've never been in love but I can imagine it
Matching fits, talking bout cats n ****
Be my man ill be your *****
Ride or die
When I'm with you we'll fly
Superman, cheer for you in the stands
Here for you till the end
My man will be perfect
Absolutely no flaws he'll have it all
Speed dial no need to call
Cause my man will have it all
Cause my man
My man
I haven't met you yet and I know you'll be perfect
Because in the ocean of my dreams I see you surfing
I'm learning
That everything i do is leading up to you
And everything you do and see is for the moment you meet me
Don't that just make you cheese
The duo we'll be
whole world to see
My man and me
Mar 28, 2025
Mar 28, 2025 at 1:41 AM UTC
When words fail what's left?
Song?
My praises singing
Hands?
I gesture, paint worlds with my movements
When words fail do we write?
Put my pen to paper and let the words spread like watercolor
Words
speech, are all I know
Silence is a foreign language to me
When words fail I have little left.
So I pray my words do not fail.
Because words are mine.
Mar 28, 2025
Mar 28, 2025 at 1:38 AM UTC
Just because you didn't like what i said doesn't make it inherently mean
I will always be the angry Black girl
Unfortunately
I am angry
I am perpetually Black
And a woman beyond my control
But is it wrong to be angry
At a world that doesn't want me
A world that hides me
Tells me
I got that bad hair
Im not good enough for TV
Fix your
Hair
Fix your
Nose
Fix your
Additude
Grown folks business
I am a woman built to mother children
My womb built to harbor
Pray to God they aren't a girl
Pray to God they aren't
Black
I dont have to be angry
Sit back
Let someone else be angry
Let someone else be the Black girl in the room
But my blood won't let me
My veins will jump up and run away
My body's inclined
My soul won't sit
Sit for ********
So I'm forcing myself to bd the angry Black girl
Mar 9, 2025
Mar 9, 2025 at 4:44 PM UTC