(Chain Email 01)
Friends, I warn of a man who claims
Your uncle is going to die.
He’ll spin a tale of a bank account
With billions that’s in Dubai.
He tries to make you think it’s real
Though he consistently fails.
His photoshop skills are subpar;
Unlike most of his emails.
Whilst he knows all about you,
He’s a mystery - quite contentious.
This man, his gender a guess of my own,
Goes by Mr Pretentious.
(Chain Email 02)
Oh, yes I got one from him last week!
He seemed to me to be quite meek.
He told me he needed some cash,
To organise a birthday bash.
He said he was from Addingham,
And that my emails went to spam.
He was the one who emailed first;
With that detail, laughter did burst.
I deleted the email and let rot in the bin.
And since that day, that’s where it’s been.
(Chain Email 03)
You bumbling buffoon, you crass infidel.
I am within this mail chain as well.
I know who you’ve told but the jig isn’t up,
And the world won’t be rid of me yet, buttercup.
See, that uncle was real, though your ‘sleuthing’ confused -
That poor uncle of yours, see, he had been abused.
He looks weird to you for he’s needed his face
To be reconstructed, and had his teeth replaced.
And I’m from Addingham, though my birthplace unknown;
My parents are too, I could be heir to the French throne!
I don’t care if you think it’s all lies, but, you see,
No one does business like little old me.
Feb 7
Feb 7, 2026 at 10:56 PM UTC
Pretentious (adj.) pronounced “pri-ˈten(t)-shəs”.
Means “exaggerating importance in a way that’s tendentious”.
E.g. “Pretentious are our more sporty compatriots”.
Synonyms include “grandiose”, “smug”, “pompous”, or “ostentatious”.
“Mr” a title used by adult males.
An average title for if all fancy ones fail.
A follow-up on Master, during pubescent years,
An address so boring, it’s numb to one’s ears.
Mr Pretentious, an outright mockery
of trolls, keyboard warriors and weaponised crockery.
Like “Xx_KneecapEater777_xX” or “Porkman12”,
nomered by pimply teens who do nought but stack shelves.
A mantle, undoubtedly made years ago,
by a man with a plan to go with the flow.
But this upstanding chap has no plans to defer,
He’ll stay who he is and to that I concur.
Feb 7
Feb 7, 2026 at 10:46 PM UTC
I made an account on Rhymer’s Block;
An App made long ago.
I posted a little prose over there,
Let’s see how it goes…
(Dear future me, please update this to let the people who see this account know how well you’ve done over there)
Below’s the link if I’ve done it right.
https://public.rhymersblock.net/note/8VgNNpsRl2
If that works,
It should be quite accessible to you.
Feb 7
Feb 7, 2026 at 10:38 PM UTC
|The Ballad of Mr Pretentious|
Why, hello there! I am Mr. Pretentious!
Telling you something that is quite sententious.
I hail from the East of Las Cruces,
bringing good news, that’s what I says!
Your uncle in Zambia wants to say “hey!”,
But something annoying’s stopped him on his way.
The airlines have told him he doesn’t have the cash,
and the doctors need money to treat his arm rash.
If you send $15,000 he’ll be so grateful.
If you agree, he’ll see you in April!
|The Subsequent Writings Regarding Mr Pretentious|
Re: My Uncle in Zambia
Actually, he died last year.
But before I go,
I will have you know,
he drowned in the Gambia.
|The Unobjectionable Response From Mr Pretentious|
Thanks for a swift reply, my friend!
I’m saddened to hear ‘bout his untimely end.
But I don’t refer to the one you speak of,
I talk of the other one, born in Farkov.
You’re his last living relative, so you may want to know,
he’ll leave you his millions when his body decomposes.
His banks are all frozen, so lend him some green.
If you do, he’ll get you a new computer screen.
I’ll ask you now, but I don’t expect a reply;
Do you seriously not want to meet this guy?
He’s cashed up beyond reason, the IRS wants
his boats and his houses and even his sconce!
Just give him the money before it’s too late.
The wealth you’d get back would be so very great!
I’ll leave you for now, my soon-to-be rich friend.
Just give him the money, it’s a hand you must lend.
|The Indisputably Short Continuation of the Conversation Regarding Mr Pretentious|
Mr Pretentious,
I’ve no Zambian Uncle.
Do not contact me.
|The Untimely End to the Conversation Involving Mr Pretentious|
If you don’t want $20 Million, it’s fine.
I’ll keep the money and it shall be mine.
Inheritance squandered, I think you’ll see.
Potential recipient, now I. Tee hee!
If you decide to reply any more,
My lawyers will break down your front and back door.
Jan 31
Jan 31, 2026 at 11:00 AM UTC
Alarm beeps angrily, what have I done?
Why must I see my street before the sun?
Toothbrush gives up on me, must it too, now die?
Must my morning routine drive me to cry?
Burnt toast tastes like hot coals, can't I just fast?
Or is that bad given what's happened in past?
Step foot out the front door, what'd I forget?
Could closing the door not be one big regret?
Down to the hospital, why am I here?
Is there something they forgot to fill me with fear?
Into an MRI, why's it so tight?
Can I go just one day with no fight-or-flight?
Now to the supermarket, which brand saves more?
Can buying food be any more of a chore?
Let me stay in today, wasn't I good?
Today didn't help at all, why'd you say it would?
Jan 26
Jan 26, 2026 at 10:11 AM UTC
Hear the water hit the tiles.
Stare at the screen, which the water defiles.
Turn on music, sing along
to an old 70s love song.
Air guitar with soapy hands;
Cleaning my ceruminous glands.
Brush my teeth and shave my face;
Markings on mirrors, the steam does erase.
Step out, water stains the floor.
Wrapped in my towel, I close the door.
Jan 26
Jan 26, 2026 at 9:43 AM UTC
Watch the clouds sat in the sky
Looking like they want to cry
Though they’ve tried…
Hearing rain above my head
Wishing I was in my bed
That being said…
If she knew how long it took
She’d understand why I felt shook
In one look.
I would give her the whole world
With the heart I’ve now unfurled
My head’s whirled
I wish she were here with me
In my bed, just we could be
Peacefully
The sun peeks in from window panes
Rid the land of summer’s rains
And your swains
Volcano day, Jan 25th
My eyes tear up, I may sniff
Or get stiff
Minor cardiac event
No way that I can prevent
No diff’rent
She says yes? Overjoyed
She says no? Heart destroyed
Wants more time?
I’ll avoid…
Jan 26
Jan 26, 2026 at 3:48 AM UTC
My heart aches, my heart breaks,
my mind looks for mistakes,
but according to life,
it'd be too much strife.
I feel dour, my words sour,
At this untimely hour.
We could still be friends,
On that, my body depends.
Every time, every rhyme,
every euphemistic mime.
When I laid my soul bare,
it feels like I'm not there,
Well, no more, it's a chore,
to even walk to the door;
to feel sun on my skin;
to go and take out the bins.
My tears spurt, my heart hurts;
Feelings my mind diverts.
I've overreacted.
I've gone and retracted.
I know I am attracted;
On that I had enacted.
Guess that's it, that's my bit,
Even if it is ****
My regrets? I have none.
And with that I am now done.
Jan 25
Jan 25, 2026 at 7:41 PM UTC
I don’t want to steal another’s words,
Though the sets I’d take exist in herds.
The songs of Herb Alpert simply explain,
The space you occupy within my brain.
The one by The White Stripes back in ‘03,
Remind me just how much you mean to me.
Like that one by Miike Snow, ‘Ghenghis Khan’,
Because, to me, you’re the only one.
America’s ‘Sister Golden Hair’,
A groove that I feel lays my soul bare.
That song by Elbow, sounds like ‘Hey Jude’,
‘Flowers’ by Sweet Female Attitude,
Those three songs from Gomez about love,
When they’re on, you’re all I’m thinking of.
‘Bad Poetry’ performed by Ben Lee
Should be clear enough, it is to me.
Scott Matthews said ‘Stay in Bed’,
You’ll never, ever, leave my head.
Tim Deluxe ‘It Just Won’t Do’,
Flight Facilities ‘Crave You’,
The Four Freshmen ‘It’s A Blue World’,
Sam Cooke ‘(What a)Wonderful World’.
Lastly, **** You’ by Garfunkel and Oates,
It’s funny and true, and I can’t rhyme with Oates…
I’ve collated all these songs into
A Spotify playlist, just for you.
Jan 20
Jan 20, 2026 at 7:30 PM UTC
No easy way to say this, you fill me up with ardour.
To be with you is a dream that I must see completed.
Terzanelles are hard, but when I think of you I’m harder.
I’d like to be your lover, that thought I have entreated.
Kinkiness in rhyming isn’t really all that common.
To be with you is a dream that I must see completed.
Please take me to your bedroom, and then could you predomine?
My lovey dovey honeypot, you’re my motivation.
Kinkiness in rhyming isn’t really all that common.
Schmoopy Doopy cutie pie, you cause me much prostration.
You know you are my everything, I think it’s very clear.
My lovey dovey honeypot, you’re my motivation.
Missing you was all it took to tell you’re my Ophir.
How many licks does it take to reach your gooey centre?
You know you are my everything, I think it’s very clear.
Sometimes, we won’t do things because I can be a Stentor.
How many licks does it take to reach your gooey centre?
No easy way to say this, you fill me up with ardour.
Terzanelles are hard, but when I think of you I’m harder.
Jan 17
Jan 17, 2026 at 10:53 PM UTC