It's been suffocating recently
waking up in stress dreams from the bees buzzing in my chest
and my breath catches--
dancing with the beat of my heart
too fast, too loud, and I crumble
It's difficult to pinpoint why
thoughts are bumper cars in my head--
jerking, crashing, feeding off each other
and I falter
I ground myself by getting as close to the earth as I can
the cool feeling of flooring beneath me calms in a comfort of sorts that reminds me of my insignificance
I am kind--though not much to myself
I find faults whenever I can,
trapped in the feeling of not good enough and too much
and I'd be lying if I said I am where I want to be,
but then you'd ask where it is I could see myself and I don't have a clear answer
I know I want security
as much of my life feels like borrowed time--
I know I want peace of mind
I know I want, I want, and I want
but what it is--
perhaps I'll never know
Oct 29, 2025
Oct 29, 2025 at 10:27 AM UTC
I fell yesterday from a mountainous high and landed in the valleys below
I found comfort at first
But the suffocating feeling of being trapped was overwhelming
High walls of rock surround me
Reminding me of my insignificance to the rest of nature
I am proud and often strong, though I don't feel it much
Others acknowledge my strength during times of crisis and I begrudgingly agree in the end
But moments like this I feel weak
I feel chagrined by myself though there's no reason to be
And I find myself suddenly lacking the ability to climb again
I get there, I know
That peak high in the clouds
I'll see the sunrise from the apex
Instead of the slowly setting of it behind mountain ranges
But for now I am here
Surrounded by stone
Oct 19, 2025
Oct 19, 2025 at 9:43 AM UTC
I've been off my game since then
Struggling with little things
Making small mistakes
But little things grow
And my arms are weak
And sometimes I collapse
It's heavy--this need to do and be better
Irritating like something stuck in your teeth
And usually I find I can ignore it pretty well,
But this time I am wrestling with the slow decline that is gradually feeling like the fates have deemed me beneath them--
Letting me play a losing game by simply existing
Oct 19, 2025
Oct 19, 2025 at 9:38 AM UTC
It's started again
This all consuming hollow feeling accompanied by shame
although I do not know why
Yesterday, I was fine until evening approached and my appetite and jubilance were found lacking
I forced myself to eat
I sat on my bed and felt the grey set into my bones
Touch became adverse
My own shirt being too much contact
My hair tickling the back of my neck and forehead
It was overwhelming
There are times I am reminded I am unwell
Times I remind myself breakthrough episodes are normal
And that while I am being treated,
I'll never be cured
And I'm having to learn to accept that
Oct 19, 2025
Oct 19, 2025 at 9:33 AM UTC
I feel heavy in my chest--
an anxious weight of the knowledge that it's about to be bad again;
I can feel it getting bad again
and the trigger might have been you or it could have been this impending sense of doom I cannot seem to shake--
but it's going to be bad again
I can almost grab it--
fingers desperately trying to pull a dumbell off my lungs
my arms are too weak
and the bell is too slick
and I can't seem to grasp it quite yet but it's there;
sitting,
heavy,
holding me down while the sword of damocles is hanging above my throat--
I can see it's getting bad again
but I cannot move,
and the sun is setting quick--
the darkness almost comforting as a distraction from the cool steel of the blade taunting me--
I cannot seem to watch as the sword begins to drop
it's getting bad again,
I can feel it--
see it in the ways the world's colors tinge a subtle sepia,
hear it in the ways my favorite songs don't sound as they should,
taste it in how foods are turning repulsive to my mouth--nauseous and burning,
smell it in the smoke I use to drown out the constant ringing of alarm bells,
trust me when I say:
I'm not prepared for the worst--and well,
it's getting bad again
Oct 3, 2024
Oct 3, 2024 at 8:42 PM UTC
I've been letting these feelings of complacency linger for awhile now
avoiding the process of acknowledgement like it's an overused hobby in my freetime
and it's rare for me to act--
instead I diminish and allow myself to curl in on myself
rather than facing head-on the things I fear
I am weak like that--
weathered down by time like a stone in a creekbed until my sharp edges are smooth--
only good for skidding above the water and sinking down below--
my obtrusive nature nonexistent,
only useful to those searching for me
but I've been sitting here complacent--
letting the rushing of the currents wear me down,
and I find I am tired of it's constant freezing presence
sitting beneath the crystal waters--visible to those searching for my stone,
waiting for the helpful hand of someone brave enough to seek me out
waiting to fit perfectly in the palm of their hand
and maybe I'll find that I've found purpose again.
Sep 6, 2024
Sep 6, 2024 at 5:29 PM UTC
Not so much rare as spontaneous
a tightness of the chest
a heating of the face
a trickle from my eye
I have never done well with criticism
but it demands my attention,
however ignored it may be
cold shoulders throw a lot of heat when aimed correctly
listening to silence can be disturbingly loud
you may call me a sensitive soul,
but it's been a while since I've felt so outcasted
I retreat into myself
inside, I can scream and I can cry
throw a tantrum like the child you make me out to be
sometimes,
I can feel it leak
there's a dam that's been carefully crafted
years of maintenance tirelessly scheduled
--day in--day out--
but recently it's been cracking;
maintenance lacking with the feeling of safety
I think I need to patch it
because of you
Sep 4, 2024
Sep 4, 2024 at 7:32 PM UTC
Ink to paper:
a simple thing to most,
but I struggle with more than that most days
I sit in a constant battle of wills
both of which are my own
conflicting and demanding my attention
I do not feed it
still I watch it grow--
ever encompassing, abundant
I try to move, but I still sit
stuck to the fabric of my bed sheets
my flesh becoming one with the fibers until I am truly trapped
in this battle of wills,
I do my best not to become complacent as complacency always leads to depression
and while we have been much more than strong acquaintances,
neither friend nor enemy quite seem to fit
It's difficult to describe the emotions tandem with its presence--
upsetting to say the least--
but anger and fear come close
Still, I try to leave the tangle of my bed sheets,
fibers pulling at my skin,
ink willing my hand to write, my mind to steady, and my feet to move.
Sep 4, 2024
Sep 4, 2024 at 7:17 PM UTC
It was fine at first--
unnoticeable, or rather better hidden
but it became something deliberate and somewhat cold
a curling ball of something akin to shame tucked beneath my rib cage
I find I do not pity you
as days turned to weeks turned to months of petty not-words
passive aggressive shoulder keeping me at a distance
friendship unneeded and clearly not wanted
I owe to you the tenseness of my shoulders
the quieting of my voice,
the diminishment of my presence
and I thought; or more so rather hoped, that my talking to you would have changed things for the better
instead, I find us back where we started--strangers with no intent of being more than
I work with you when scheduled,
but your name brings a foul taste to my mouth--
it hurts to know I am the odd one out
square one
like a child alone again on the playground
I will sit on the swings
awaiting the push
Sep 4, 2024
Sep 4, 2024 at 7:09 PM UTC
A part of me feels tilted on an axis
a mobius strips, no end, no beginning,
but twisted all the while
and I try to straighten it--
try to gain some semblance of normalcy
but these feelings come in waves,
abruptly crashing to shore;
always slow to pull back
there's a time and a place for changes,
but I am never prepared for mine--
routine interrupted by chemicals I try desperately to tame
abrupt changes in motion
I drag myself to skid
the ground is hard
it's unwelcoming--cold and damp,
gravel pressing into my back
Sep 4, 2024
Sep 4, 2024 at 7:03 PM UTC