up the stairs, i walk
under my breath, i talk to myself
i can't stop thinking about her
see, music's just a reminder
that life is about connection
oh, the emotions
she sends through my body
whether it's dinner, lunch or brekkie
there's no resistance
distance will not matter
because i love her with all of me
and oh, you may not see
but i smile because she smiles too
Jan 22, 2020
Jan 22, 2020 at 12:35 PM UTC
All these fake friends,
Playing pretend;
Until they have to repent
To a God, among men.
Jan 12, 2020
Jan 12, 2020 at 1:44 PM UTC
We're all savages,
Salvaging for ignorant bliss,
Ravaging for a specific purpose.
Some seek religion,
Others offer passion,
But we render redemption.
But make no assumption:
They prey on the weak,
And pray to a god.
One who asks to talk,
But doesn't walk with them.
One who has a place above,
But saves face in the name of love.
Jan 6, 2020
Jan 6, 2020 at 3:22 PM UTC
When I look at you,
When I'm with you,
I feel comfortable.
I feel happy.
And I don't want that to go away.
Jan 5, 2020
Jan 5, 2020 at 9:29 PM UTC
What does it mean to be enough?
To have the right stuff?
To look good and feel tough?
Am I weak or am I strong?
Does anyone long to be with me?
Stick with me?
What's wrong with me?
Who do I belong with then?
Do I belong with them?
Are they the right ones for me?
When do I get to write my story?
Can I right my wrongs?
Do I have to write some songs?
Belt out at the top of my lungs?
Are my skills dung, like doo doo?
Am I just **** at what I do?
Is it true what they say?
Am I always blue or am I yellow?
Are we all racist or just prejudice?
Can I be a soldier and a pacifist?
Can I be selfish and an altruist?
Is there a list of things I can't be?
Well, I can tell you,
There's a lot that you can't see.
Some days, it's hard to breathe;
I don't wanna eat,
I just wanna grind my teeth;
I wanna find some meaning;
Hold a meeting with friends...
Oh, wait... what friends?
Am I in the right section?
Do I have enough connections?
Am I enough?
Enough with the questions.
Dec 6, 2019
Dec 6, 2019 at 8:17 AM UTC
I just want this mind to finally be peaceful.
But my mind’s a minefield of glass pieces;
Shattered thoughts, I can’t think properly.
Feeling lonely,
Depression seems to have gotten to me.
I’ve got so many existential questions;
Not enough answers, not enough solutions.
Tryna bury all these emotions,
I might be going through an internal implosion.
If there’s some sort of magical potion;
I think I need a refill.
Listen, my inner demons are evil,
They say that happiness is illegal;
Maybe I should fuel up on some diesel,
Cause this ***** feeling lethal.
I went under the steeple,
Thought that I could get a fix;
Thought I could get some support,
But I was met with close-knit cliques;
I realized everyone was slacking,
And no one had my back.
Backstabbers and underground rappers;
Too much chit chatter,
It’s making me a mad hatter.
Now, my story ain’t fiction,
Don’t get it wrong;
I ain’t tryna cause friction;
See, I know I’ve never belonged.
I know I’m not demonic,
These demons, they just spawned.
Not tryna be deceitful,
Simply sincere and truthful.
I’m used to feeling empty;
So, I just listen to sad songs for sad people.
Dec 3, 2019
Dec 3, 2019 at 11:06 AM UTC
I think too much and feel too little;
In this mind of mine,
I belittle me.
There's so much you don't hear,
So much you don't see.
They tell me to be me,
But what does that even mean?
Some say that I'm a mean man
Made for multiple manifold;
But I ain't gonna fold,
I ain't gonna give up.
Dec 3, 2019
Dec 3, 2019 at 11:05 AM UTC
dear [...],
sigh
"i'm sorry that i wasn't enough
to be there for you."
but i'm scared
don't act like you care
when you don't
i'm scarred
but those are just anecdotes
burned onto my skin
people think that there's an antidote
they tell me to stay;
wanna leave, but i don't
it's not just another season
i just keep my mouth shut
there are too many reasons
for so long, i've been suicidal
all this weight stacked in a pile
i just hesitate when it comes to dial
it feels like i'm on trial
i'm a burden
everything's hurting
that ledge on the bridge, i'll revisit
i see no point to life
i've already past my limit
these thoughts on rewind
over and over and over again
going over the edge
it's not a matter of if, but when
can't deal with this pain
only way with a gun to my head
two bullets to my brain
shooting blanks
be grateful they say, give thanks
putting time into loyalty
not enough buoyancy
i'm sinking
mind's overthinking
sleep shrinking
time's ticking
words kicking
thoughts are sickening
lights flickering
on and off, on and off switch
stuck in this matrix
this twisted glitch
i ain't static
not trying to be dramatic
i was a troubled kid, always problematic
back story, a bit traumatic
always an odd one, an erratic
with the cool kids, i never fit
the parties, they weren't "lit"
this hub ain't a house, and
this house don't feel like home
walls fall apart like styrofoam
ain't as well known as the colosseum in Rome
who knew that
old friends would become my new demons
and old demons would become my new friends
stuck in these habits
these flaws are my bad bits
those anxiety attacks are my sad fits
they say that they'll be there
but when you need them most
but why do i feel like
i'm a ghost
xo-rd
Apr 27, 2019
Apr 27, 2019 at 9:17 PM UTC
I’m no longer a fighter,
At least not the one you once knew;
The world isn't getting brighter;
Just a little bit darker.
Friends seem farther,
Demons just a little bit closer.
With my thinking,
There’s never closure;
I can’t ever find my way.
For in the dark of night,
I seek the light of day.
Gone down the wrong road,
I'm not a prince, just a toad;
Buried beneath,
Stuck in Morse code.
Thought I could go god mode;
Super strength, all-powerful.
I thought I was incredible,
But I'm no Bruce Banner.
I thought I was invincible,
But I'm no Iron Man.
More like the Metal Man,
Meddling in affairs.
‘Cept life's not fair.
Already placed in battle,
Rifle running rattle,
I’m training like a soldier;
Thoughts crowding like cattle,
Thought I could hold her;
She's all I can think about.
Can't get her out of my head.
Used to feel alive,
Now, I'm feeling dead.
This one-sided attraction,
Self-doubt, large fraction,
Chemical chain reaction;
Rejection, hit like a wall,
Made me fall;
Like first king, Saul,
Can't stand tall.
Am I a man?
Can't hold her hand.
It's like Wendy and Peter Pan,
Lost in Neverland.
I feel paralyzed,
No vice vision;
Fast forward,
Rewind.
No direction,
I'm blind.
This is my body.
This is my mind.
Muscle-memory mimicry,
Chained down,
I thought that I was free.
Guard up,
I thought that I could be me.
You see,
I used to be a fighter.
But I'm tired of fighting.
I should've enlisted,
Here, I never existed.
This story's end,
Happily never after;
This decade's end,
Turning twenty-one;
My match has ended.
And I still haven't won.
Fire's been extinguished.
Fuel tank's empty.
No more will in me.
The pressure's killing me.
Bout to go off,
Time's ticking to two;
These gloves, I'm hanging up,
I'm finally through.
Points don't matter,
The price ain't right.
I ain't a Mad Hatter,
I’m down, no flight.
Insanity isn't my vanity;
I feel like I've lost my humanity,
I'm not trying to be a tragedy,
In all actuality,
I've reached my capacity;
Anxiety caused a calamity,
And, now, this is my reality.
A fighter no more,
I lost the war.
Yeah, I ain't Thor;
I may have lost my roar,
But my legacy leaves a lore.
Unworthy of the hammer,
I feel like I'm in the slammer.
Outcast like the Martian from Mars,
Stone walls and iron bars;
They say that I should
Reach for the stars.
You’ll reach Jupiter in no time,
Just get on the grind, and climb.
They say that my writing's good;
But good was never enough.
Just gotta act tough, and
You'll get through the rough stuff.
Mar 6, 2019
Mar 6, 2019 at 7:57 PM UTC
Jan. 10 — 12:11 AM
Does my anxiety and depression make me an attention seeker? I don’t mean to be in the spotlight. I hate it. But I want someone to be close and deep.
Am I selfish for thinking about all of my daily issues?
Am I a coward for not being able to reach out? I don’t know how to. I never learned and was never taught.
Am I unwanted and unloved when I feel so alone? No one seems to really care.
Am I a fool for thinking gifts and words would mean so much to people when they are just materials? I thought that I would become closer, but it seems that I’m just a waste of time and energy.
Am I a ghost? Someone who is unseen and unknown by so many familiar faces.
Am I just making excuses?
Jan 10, 2019
Jan 10, 2019 at 1:11 PM UTC