earlier today, i saw a tiktok
it was talking about what people see
when they hear that **** harmonica.
i wanted to comment, to explain,
but a few words alone won't do it.
because what i hear,
is my mommy’s last baby,
standing at the foot of our bed,
waiting for her to wake up.
but then she’s there,
laying in the white bed.
tubes, monitors, a morphine drip that seemed to never end.
she was more skin and bones than she ever had been,
her hair had thinned, looking weak on her head,
but as she laid there, slipping into death,
i stood, waiting for her last breath.
she knew she couldn't hold on anymore.
and there i was, her last baby,
standing at the foot of her bed;
watching. always watching my mommy.
the nurses must've seen something on the monitor,
because they came in, quiet,
calm,
looking at me with so much pity.
they checked for breathing.
checked for a pulse.
“she’s gone,”
said one woman quietly,
as the other went to open a window.
and for a few more seconds after they left,
it was back to normal.
just my mommy and i alone in a room,
waiting for her to wake up.
her baby, standing at the foot of her deathbed,
on september seventh.
Apr 24
Apr 24, 2026 at 9:06 AM UTC
I dont think i can ever look at love the same
After hearing the way he spoke about me
When he was high
It was a messy, twisted kind of love
Fueled by opiates and *******
Lsd and pain.
He drug me down into it with him,
A line here a tab there,
“Are you sure you don;t want
Half of this pill?”
I begged him to stop,
But i think i’ll be happier
If he never finds love
Until he;s sober again
Because then no one
Will ever get that special part of him i had
I know i fell in love with the drugs
Fell in love with how they made him act
Fell in love with how he was so in awe
That i wasn’t against them
When he knew my past.
I ended up loving the effects
The drugs had on me too.
The clammy hands, the stuffy noses,
The unending exhaustion,
I developed a dependency on the short
Bursts of serotonin they gave me.
And i hate myself for it.
Sometimes i wonder if i was happier.
I know i’m better off, theoretically.
In a relationship not dependent on
Psychedelics to keep it functioning.
A new job, a new start,
Hopefully soon a new home too,
But the nostalgia hits,
And i am forced to remember what life was like
When i was in the midst of loving the drugs.
Apr 24
Apr 24, 2026 at 9:04 AM UTC
i sat down today to think
for the first time in a long time
since i got pregnant with our daughter.
i never wrote a heartbreak poem about you.
it never crossed my mind.
for the first time,
it was easy to pick myself up
and just move on with my life.
do you know how hard that is to
make someone like me do?
us poets, we cling.
we cling onto the memories
the sparkling summer breezes of joy
and the dark, muddy, violent waters of pain.
to have a poet not cling onto your memory,
is to have hurt someone so deeply,
so profoundly,
that they cannot be bothered to care anymore.
maybe you still exist as a memory inside of my room,
but last month i went to the coffee shop i wanted you to try with me alone.
today i will venture to the museum,
all alone,
and live my life as if you were never a part of it.
and for once, even as a bard,
i am at peace with that.
i am at peace with your memories in my life being forgotten.
thank you for showing me what
peace looks like,
in the most roundabout, awful way.
i never will write a heartbreak poem about you.
Apr 24
Apr 24, 2026 at 8:56 AM UTC
"so what's it like?" they asked
and i stared, eyes blank
trying to figure out how to word
what it feels like to want to die
every 30 minutes.
i sit there trying to figure out
how to explain the raging,
encasing,
drowning feelings,
trying to explain
how even happiness can be so painful
"terminal,"
i finally say after a long moment of silence,
"the doctors expect me to die in 8 years."
the silence that follows is deafening,
shock evident on my friends face,
and i shrug.
i do not care.
i have accepted my fate.
Apr 24
Apr 24, 2026 at 8:54 AM UTC
i cant stop looking for pieces of you
whether it's the color of the sky
and how it matched those soft blue eyes
or the smell of something
just sitting in the laundry aisle of walmart
i still smoke your cigarettes
started drinking your american honey
slide boots on my feet like i still
have a farm to work on
and it tears me apart
without you i wouldn't of stopped
skipping over my least favorite pink floyd song
or had the courage to finally switch jobs
or felt the love i needed to let you go
i cant stop looking for you everywhere
the moment i step to my station my eyes constantly scan the walkways
hoping to see one of your bright tie dyed shirts pop up
praying that one day you'll give me
that precious, lopsided smile one more time
even though i know the only woman you'll ever want is her
i can't even look at my cat without thinking
of how you helped me save his life
of how you held me even after we broke up
because i was afraid he wasn't going to make it through the day
i still hold you to the promise that if i die,
you can keep him.
i look for you in flowers
(are dutch irises still your favorite?)
and in food
(i wonder how long its been since you ordered taco bell)
and at the gas station
(i wonder if your new truck uses less gas than your old one)
and even as i pass a little small town store
(do you still eat those stupid eggs?)
it hurts my soul to wear my purple work shirt,
but i do it anyways,
it was my favorite color before i met you,
you loving it just made it more beautiful.
i can't go to my favorite coffee shop anymore
it reminds me of how we had meant to have our first date there
like i said, i look for you everywhere
it kills me
im trying to move on
but there's a light on in your room in my heart
and i can't seem to flip the switch.
why did we have to be so similar?
why are you everywhere?
Apr 24
Apr 24, 2026 at 8:53 AM UTC
I question what it could be sometimes,
Fathom the ideas in my head-
All strange, and unruly, and unheard of by the people around me.
I wonder if I'll form a herion addiction like my father,
Or take up coke instead.
I'm proud that I've yet to try, but my insecurities rule over all
I don't know what to expect with myself anymore.
What I'm going to try next,
Or if I'll die from lung cancer when everything I've tried before
Catches up to **** me.
Or if the medications the doctors put me on will go through
All those adverse side affects
And **** me themselves.
Or if my mind finally gets to me.
Finally kills me, ends itself.
One second there and the next gone.
It's too much to figure. I can't handle that thought.
It's been here too long,
It's an old friend.
I hate it.
My downfall is too many things,
Myself, the outside, the feelings that plague my being-
The insecurity...
It's too complicated. It's too exhausting.
I'm tired. Maybe that's my downfall...
The tiredness fueled by the unfathomable idea of it all.
Apr 9, 2021
Apr 9, 2021 at 12:16 PM UTC
Days lead into weeks
And the weeks lead into months
And it all eventually boils down to years
The years I no longer want
To keep passing as it all
Falls into the bits and pieces
That I so fear.
It is within these days that
Even as I find love
And begin the slow learning
Of myself and who I happen
To be, I realize
I will never actually know what truly happiness is
I have been harmed too many times
To have even a concept on love
On life
On not fearing everything
They say I’m becoming a different person
That all of a sudden everything is scaring me
But it’s not sudden
It’s not sudden like you think,
It’s just that I’m bad at hiding it right now
Because I am so tired
I am so tired these days
That I can’t function well
And in these days
I lose hope
All over again.
While I’m not going to do much of anything
About not feeling the hope,
I realize I’m tired of trying to go on.
I fear life in of itself these days
And it’s one of the worst feelings
To watch as these days
Continue to float on.
Mar 4, 2021
Mar 4, 2021 at 2:19 PM UTC
I can still feel it.
His hand on my throat, pressing
On my bones.
His hands on my thighs,
Tight and begging-
He keeps asking
Over and over.
He calls me his lovely boy,
His beautiful boy,
I am not his beautiful boy
He should not have been touching my body-
I wish I could have screamed-
I wish I could have screamed-
I wish I could have s c r e a m e d
Why couldn't I scream?
Jan 29, 2021
Jan 29, 2021 at 11:50 AM UTC
To whoever he chooses to love next,
Hold onto him tightly.
Play with his hair,
Fall in love with his dog.
Let him fall asleep on your chest,
Even if you realize the t.v. remote is out of reach and you're stuck watching reruns of old shows.
Learn to at least give a shot to his interests,
If you don't share all of them.
Magic, music, and dnd are his biggest hobbies,
I can't tell you whether or not boy scouts will continue to consume a good chunk of his life,
But if you've the chance, go watch this areas Mic-o-say tribe dance.
Love him with every bone in your body,
And hold him when he cries.
Shush him gently,
Remind him that no matter what his anxiety twists up,
He will eventually be okay.
Remind him that his loved ones are always with him.
Go and listen to him play or sing whenever you can,
Support him at as many competitions and concerts and shows as possible.
Never let his love for music fade away.
Bond with him over it,
Discuss a plan for switching off radio privileges.
Sing with him in the car,
Because even if you think you sound like trash,
Chances are he'll give you constructive criticism while reminding you that even with a mishap,
You will always sound beautiful to him. In tune or not.
Take him on adventures,
But also spend a good amount of time at home-
He's a taurus, after all.
If you go to his moms facebook page,
And even a few of the youth leaders, if you ever meet them at Westside,
You can find adorable pictures of him growing up.
Truth be told, he'll probably someday mention how he used to have braces.
It's not that important of a piece of information,
But it's something to look forward to in those younger pictures.
They made him seem extra nerdy,
In a really cute way.
Again, I remind you, love him.
Love him with absolutely everything and then some.
Love him even if he ever yells at you about not opening up if you have troubles with it,
Love him if he rushes over to you if he has the chance if you're feeling too unsteady on your own.
Let him hold you while you cry,
Teach him what calms you down while you're in the right headspace and he will always remember.
He used to tap my hand in 4/4 time so I could sync my breathing,
Just as an example.
Let him remind you that he's probably a bit more stubborn than you think,
Because even if he's going through hell,
If he truly loves you he will do anything he can to avoid hurting you,
Until the avoidance hurts you more than anything.
But I warn you,
Don't believe all of his promises.
If he says he wants to be there forever-
Unless he's graduated college and is finally settled down in his job field,
Don't fully believe it.
He means no harm by it, but when it comes to love like this he is so young and unexperienced.
If you can, guide him along.
If you, by some strange existance of happening,
Come across this,
And you think I'm just someone crazy…
I was, in his own words, his first real relationship.
And for me, he was the first boy I ever trusted fully,
Outside of my best friend, Kyle.
He was the first boy I truly ever fell deep in love with.
I have learned all of this from seven months,
Seven months of us clicking like puzzle pieces until it all fell apart,
Until I finally couldn't take the questions of whether or not he fully,
Truly, truly wanted to be with me.
To be fair- even with my lack of knowledge on why,
Knowing of his mental illness and the stress from everything he was trying to accomplish at the end of our relationship,
I can't fully blame him for shutting me out anymore.
For, chances are, just being too overwhelmed with trying to balance too much personal life,
With too much work life.
And after the breakup, and until I moved away from him,
I will admit I was.. Rude.
Distasteful.
Very, very angry.
I was angry at him.
I was angry at the world.
I was angry at the situations-
But most of all,
I was angry at me.
I will not hide that,
While I could go and apologize,
Tell him I'll possibly see him on campus if I ever get accepted into his- and my dream- college.
And truth be told I just want to look him in the eyes,
And say, for the first and last time with this meaning,
"Always."
Always…
Always will love you.
Always will support you.
Always will keep our memories together cherished.
Always will remember.
I will always remember,
My dear girl,
The happiness he gave me.
And I will always hope
That he can pass that happiness onto you.
He is a goofball.
He is loving.
He is so, so kind,
And usually very patient.
His best subject is math.
His two favourite go-to, warm weather outfits are either a polo and khaki shorts,
Or a tshirt and gym shorts.
He will wear long sleeved shirts with shorts.
I've seen it so many times.
He only wears jeans when it's warm if he absolutely has to.
His humor is either crude, cracking dad jokes,
Or mocking your whining.
His friend Josh may very well get close to you, too.
Josh is a good man. Do not take his company for granted.
He can offer valuable insight to his best friends brain.
They work very, very similarly.
His hogwarts house is slytherin,
He's allergic to cats,
and after going down to as much as I could see on his moms facebook page a few months into us dating,
I can even tell you his entire natal chart for zodiacs.
Even if he doesn't believe in that hippy dippy ****
He will amuse you enough to listen to you talk about it if you are.
Send him cute little pictures. Whenever you feel cute, send him one.
He will lavish you with attention.
He will call you gorgeous and beautiful and every other sweet name under the book.
He will love you like no man has ever loved you because he is still so new to this.
My dear,
Love him enough for the both of us.
I beg of you.
I lost him completely already,
I've honestly not even a chance to eber reconcile the friendship with him.
And I have come to terms with that,
I have come to terms with the deep seated love that will remain in my heart for eternity.
So please,
Love him. For me, for you, for him.
Jan 29, 2021
Jan 29, 2021 at 11:47 AM UTC
I miss you.
I miss those soft blue eyes,
And that startlingly blonde hair,
And your jokes.
I miss the way your voice would lilt
Whenever you asked a question,
Or the way you would immediately go calm
And just ask me to hold your hand when I was upset.
I miss the fact that I can no longer just go up to you,
And pretend like my day has been okay,
Just so I could see your smile.
I miss that smile.
I miss when that smile was mine,
When I could make it happen with just three little words.
But you never actually meant it whenever you said it,
Those three little words never actually meant anything,
Even if you thought they did.
I know they didn’t.
Because you simply cannot just move on
So quickly, because you just can’t
Have that time with someone all of a sudden mean nothing like that,
If you actually loved them.
Kid, as much as I miss you,
You are not the man I need.
You are just a boy.
Dec 4, 2020
Dec 4, 2020 at 4:43 PM UTC