Coffee and cigarettes
I tell myself I have
Coffee and cigarettes
"You don't need food tonight."
Drink coffee.
Smoke cigarettes.
Ignore the rumbling.
"You don't need to eat."
Just one more meal, I tell myself
Is it a lie?
Is it the truth?
It doesn't matter
I shovel bite after bite into my mouth
Chew.
Swallow.
Choke.
Keep it in.
"Just one more bite."
It's therapeutic
My stomach is rumbling
No, I tell myself
"You just ate."
I feel nauseous
"You don't need to eat."
My body is tingling
"You're still full."
[Let's do something about it, then.]
I eat and I eat and I eat and I eat and I...
I puke.
I watch my body expel all that I ingested.
My forehead is wet
And so is my nape
My body is shaking
Make it stop
My body doesn't listen
I puke
I heave
I retch
I gasp
There, you're not full anymore.
I tell myself it's the cigarettes
I watch my food go down the drain
Too much smoke in my lungs
Too much nicotine in my veins
[Too many lies in your head.]
"Ignore it."
I wipe away the tears
I escape
My stomach rumbles
I need food
So I eat
Coffee
Cigarettes
They make me hungry
I'm always hungry
My stomach is constantly rumbling
Never satisfied
Never pleased
"I'm full."
[Let's do something about it.]
"Please don't."
[Too late.]
I eat and I eat and I eat and I eat and I...
I cry.
Apr 21, 2018
Apr 21, 2018 at 2:00 AM UTC
In a dark room
Tonight
Hand clenched tight
Uncontrollable sobs
Red, seeing red
Throat blocked
Someone save me
Lost and never found
In the abyss
Killing me softly
Enthusiastically
Heart shattered
Endless tears
Love me please
Lose me please
Nov 18, 2017
Nov 18, 2017 at 12:20 PM UTC
Tired
Every time you do this, it's unfair because I'm always the one
Ashamed
Because you do not see the error in your ways and you
Blame
Me even without knowing it because you think you're
Woe
And that everything else should follow but I
Won't
Point it out to you because what the hell is the point and
Why
Can you not see that you trample my heart so
Tired
Oct 26, 2017
Oct 26, 2017 at 10:35 AM UTC
We silence each other with a magnificent apocalypse
You poison me with paint-smeared lips
And I choke you with ink-stained fingertips
With colourful grips
And aesthetic drips
We create a breathtaking eclipse
Jun 13, 2017
Jun 13, 2017 at 2:46 AM UTC
And now I understand
that no one else can
possibly keep up with
the love I can offer
because everyone else has
other things to lose
unlike me who have nothing
and I can't possibly blame them
for not being as sacrificial
as me
for I am their destruction
despite them being my salvation
May 31, 2017
May 31, 2017 at 11:24 PM UTC
They say I’m bluer than blue
And I agree
If “bluer than blue” means not that I am sad
But that I am mad about
Or glad of the eternal cold surrounding me
For that algidity
Allows for your arms around me
And try to provide me with warmth
Warmth that only you can bring
As I am tucked under your wing
With your smiles that promise something
In the future
Preferably with me
Still curled up in your embrace
Because only then can I face
Reality
Then yes I am bluer than blue
And I don’t want to be anything else
Jan 9, 2017
Jan 9, 2017 at 10:25 PM UTC
Distance hurts
It touches you more than you can touch the other person
Distance hurts
Time and space both stretches infinitely, without a reason
Distance hurts
People change like postage stamps on a letter
Distance hurts
When you don't know if it's for the better
Distance hurts
You leave with them being as sweet as sugar
Distance hurts
When you come back and they seem so far
Dec 18, 2016
Dec 18, 2016 at 12:57 PM UTC
I've got one thing
to do
three words
for you
Burn in hell.
May 28, 2016
May 28, 2016 at 8:45 AM UTC
Sitting in a pile of black and white lace
Covered with the scent of sweet summer haze
To her imagination, she gives chase
With a plastic smile plastered on her face
A residue of a fire once ablaze
Once porcelain white skin now caked in grime
Evidence of abuse from passing time
A past beloved item of bedtime
Melodies of yesterday, treasured rhymes
Being this forgotten should be a crime
Nonexistent voice now sounds so raspy
For silent nights are always most nasty
"No one wants to stay by your side, lassie."
A pool of mythic tears so icy
Must be why her eyes appear so glassy
Thousands of days, she sits in harsh darkness
Waiting for spectators, a failed actress
Her shattered heart lying in the ashes
The flame of hope now doused in hopelessness
Until one day arrives a pure goddess
May 27, 2016
May 27, 2016 at 11:26 AM UTC
The rain is a thief
Bringing my life grief
Cutting my childhood brief
Whenever it visits, I grow stiff
From it, not once did I know relief
I tried to love the rain
From fearing it, I tried to refrain
I tried to break free from its hate chain
I thought by doing so, it will make me sane
And the relief was addicting like a bottle of champagne
Now, I hate it even more
Even though back then I swore
That it, the rain I will forever adore
And I would have, but I cannot ignore
How it steals away the one thing I care for
For some time I thought
Happiness was what it brought
But from the rain, she merely sought
The same relief I myself have wrought
And in deep dark helplessness, I am caught
Because I cannot save her from it
Everytime it rains is like a slap and a hit
To give her back to me, the rain won't permit
To it's cold arms, she has no choice but to submit
But to my personal thief, I vow never to admit defeat
May 27, 2016
May 27, 2016 at 10:53 AM UTC