Myjourneythroughmadness

i've decided to live my life positively happy no more the victim of circumstance smile and do the best that I can, always Laugh my way through this merry dance no need for more self pity there are many with less than I no more focussing on what could have been no childish tears left to cry I am the master of my own fate my future, my destiny it does await so i'll rejoice in the love that i feel for my family, my friends, for they are real I will venture into the big wide world with dignity, pride & truth as my guides my innate spirit is yet to be uncurled from deep within my soul it idly resides everything is well within in grasp I believe in myself, finally, at last no need, in greedy hands, do i need to clasp insincere, negative energies that belong in the past keep my eyes on the road ahead, I will focus and achieve my goal ignore words of spite, the less evolved have said get myself out of this hole like attracts like, that is a basic concept and it is my fundermental belief, that I hold true Negativity I will forcefully reject in favour of experiencing what is underneath for all humans have a heart and some a conscience aswell we are innocent at the very start blank pages in a biography, no need to hard sell I will greet each day with a loud Hello glad that I am alive and well I am positively happy, & a little mellow I forgive & release myself from this self imposed hell I trust that the universe will provide for me all I need, to ensure I'm safe and happy as long as i'm not too needy nor too greedy as long as I no longer allow others to make me snappy so today I place my cosmic order I would like the universe to take note a safe haven, love, prosperity & good health Please place me on cloud 9 and allow me to float

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Jul 9, 2017

Jul 9, 2017 at 1:38 PM UTC

POSITIVELY HAPPY

i've decided to live my life positively happy no more the victim of circumstance smile and do the best that I can, always Laugh my way through this merry dance no need for more self pity there are many with less than I no more focussing on what could have been no childish tears left to cry I am the master of my own fate my future, my destiny it does await so i'll rejoice in the love that i feel for my family, my friends, for they are real I will venture into the big wide world with dignity, pride & truth as my guides my innate spirit is yet to be uncurled from deep within my soul it idly resides everything is well within in grasp I believe in myself, finally, at last no need, in greedy hands, do i need to clasp insincere, negative energies that belong in the past keep my eyes on the road ahead, I will focus and achieve my goal ignore words of spite, the less evolved have said get myself out of this hole like attracts like, that is a basic concept and it is my fundermental belief, that I hold true Negativity I will forcefully reject in favour of experiencing what is underneath for all humans have a heart and some a conscience aswell we are innocent at the very start blank pages in a biography, no need to hard sell I will greet each day with a loud Hello glad that I am alive and well I am positively happy, & a little mellow I forgive & release myself from this self imposed hell I trust that the universe will provide for me all I need, to ensure I'm safe and happy as long as i'm not too needy nor too greedy as long as I no longer allow others to make me snappy so today I place my cosmic order I would like the universe to take note a safe haven, love, prosperity & good health Please place me on cloud 9 and allow me to float

44

So I cut myself with a knife just to see if I can still feel any thing in this pathetic life But I feel nothing at all as I watch my crimsom blood fall I score my skin, deeper and deeper, push the knife in nothing..... not even a sting...absolutely nothing I fantically seek a virginal place I can carve, cut away my hate self loathing, disgust, as I look at myself, what a ******* state Waiting to faint, as my blood seeps and escapes but as if mocking me, I have to wait relief comes at a price, a deadly cost and reminds me of all that i've lost tired and sleepy, waiting for death to collect me I've planned for no one to save me, finally be free one last slice, just to ensure deep across artery, my blood pumps no more

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Jul 9, 2017

Jul 9, 2017 at 1:36 PM UTC

CUTTING THE TIES THAT BIND

So I cut myself with a knife just to see if I can still feel any thing in this pathetic life But I feel nothing at all as I watch my crimsom blood fall I score my skin, deeper and deeper, push the knife in nothing..... not even a sting...absolutely nothing I fantically seek a virginal place I can carve, cut away my hate self loathing, disgust, as I look at myself, what a ******* state Waiting to faint, as my blood seeps and escapes but as if mocking me, I have to wait relief comes at a price, a deadly cost and reminds me of all that i've lost tired and sleepy, waiting for death to collect me I've planned for no one to save me, finally be free one last slice, just to ensure deep across artery, my blood pumps no more

16

Patiently I wait for the pain to stop For the blackness to overwhelm my fractious senses For death to soothe my destroyed emotions For silence to put an end to my indifferent pretenses But even drug induced comas or the chance of life, twice Nor leaving my children or those who proclaim to care are enough to make me want to remain here I lost my daddy, Eric, Mr T I betrayed myself & fell apart I thought the DNA results would set me free and mend my broken heart but the universe unfolds, as indeed it should although not always as we'd like or desire and one day when I look back on this episode of life I'll see that it was simply not my time, yet, to expire

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Jul 9, 2017

Jul 9, 2017 at 1:36 PM UTC

Suicide

Patiently I wait for the pain to stop For the blackness to overwhelm my fractious senses For death to soothe my destroyed emotions For silence to put an end to my indifferent pretenses But even drug induced comas or the chance of life, twice Nor leaving my children or those who proclaim to care are enough to make me want to remain here I lost my daddy, Eric, Mr T I betrayed myself & fell apart I thought the DNA results would set me free and mend my broken heart but the universe unfolds, as indeed it should although not always as we'd like or desire and one day when I look back on this episode of life I'll see that it was simply not my time, yet, to expire

16

I begin to heave, to choke Surprised? why? own fault! Its all the food I've just forced down my own throat! No one knows the true extent of my pain Or how this self harm feeds my own shame And, how I only have myself to blame Sometimes, I even forget to chew Focused only on ramming, stuffing, gorging In my own nausea and self loathing I silently stew Then theres the urge to run, for my own guts I must, predictably, spew Its a welcome release, a relief I'm clean, at peace, thats my silly belief But just seconds later, those old hatreds return Along with internalised anger, at my inability to learn! New ways to release negatives are what I need To My Angels, Spirits, Guides & the Universe I frantically plead "release me, PLEASE, from this self imposed hell!" "just for a little while, so I can feel well" When I can not throw up I know what I must do Buy Laxatives, how many? - alot And then Find a quiet loo If they should fail to work I always have amphetamine to give me a perk 'I'm an addict' -I half heartedly joke And in my ribs, my conscience, gives me a sharp poke I'd give ANYTHING to be thin and happy I willingly embrace guilt, paranoia & being snappy For NEVER, EVER again do I wish to be fat Nor to be miserable, or taken for a **** So until I find a cure whilst my emotions remain raw I'll keep popping pills, making my throat sore Binge eating, looking to score, forever needing more If I was CLEVER, PRETTY, THIN YOUNGER, FUNNIER, HAD GREAT SKIN He would have LOVED me, he would have stayed He would never have played, the cruel games that he played He would still be here, holding me tight Loving me, soothing me, hearing my plight Kissing me, caressing me, each and every night Wanting me near him, keeping me in his sight But I pushed him away, with my self abuse Ha! or at least that was his excuse He wasn't strong enough to see it through He was not aware of the damage, him leaving would do So, for now, I'll continue to purge daily, it helps me smile for I feel slightly in control again, for just a short while One day, when I'm braver, Stronger, Have a goal I will break this habit, dig myself out of this hole Failure to do so, I will NOT contemplate I must seek HELP now, before its too late I must do IT NOW, I must plan my escape

0

Jul 9, 2017

Jul 9, 2017 at 1:35 PM UTC

My Quest to be Thin

I begin to heave, to choke Surprised? why? own fault! Its all the food I've just forced down my own throat! No one knows the true extent of my pain Or how this self harm feeds my own shame And, how I only have myself to blame Sometimes, I even forget to chew Focused only on ramming, stuffing, gorging In my own nausea and self loathing I silently stew Then theres the urge to run, for my own guts I must, predictably, spew Its a welcome release, a relief I'm clean, at peace, thats my silly belief But just seconds later, those old hatreds return Along with internalised anger, at my inability to learn! New ways to release negatives are what I need To My Angels, Spirits, Guides & the Universe I frantically plead "release me, PLEASE, from this self imposed hell!" "just for a little while, so I can feel well" When I can not throw up I know what I must do Buy Laxatives, how many? - alot And then Find a quiet loo If they should fail to work I always have amphetamine to give me a perk 'I'm an addict' -I half heartedly joke And in my ribs, my conscience, gives me a sharp poke I'd give ANYTHING to be thin and happy I willingly embrace guilt, paranoia & being snappy For NEVER, EVER again do I wish to be fat Nor to be miserable, or taken for a **** So until I find a cure whilst my emotions remain raw I'll keep popping pills, making my throat sore Binge eating, looking to score, forever needing more If I was CLEVER, PRETTY, THIN YOUNGER, FUNNIER, HAD GREAT SKIN He would have LOVED me, he would have stayed He would never have played, the cruel games that he played He would still be here, holding me tight Loving me, soothing me, hearing my plight Kissing me, caressing me, each and every night Wanting me near him, keeping me in his sight But I pushed him away, with my self abuse Ha! or at least that was his excuse He wasn't strong enough to see it through He was not aware of the damage, him leaving would do So, for now, I'll continue to purge daily, it helps me smile for I feel slightly in control again, for just a short while One day, when I'm braver, Stronger, Have a goal I will break this habit, dig myself out of this hole Failure to do so, I will NOT contemplate I must seek HELP now, before its too late I must do IT NOW, I must plan my escape

53

here to go from here? Nowhere, is my greatest fear Old habits die hard Even harder for the emotionally scarred Whom should I trust? Will I know the differenence between love and lust? Should I find 'that man', My Dad, the one I never had Will it make me, finally, happy? or only, feel more sad? What does my future hold for Kristie? from ties that bind, will I finally be set free? Will I ever meet a man I want to let close, & show him the real me? Will I ever find true love? will it ever happen to this assertive, scary lady? I feel as though I am in limbo I don't know in which direction to go Trying not to be inpatient, taking it slow Searching for signs, for my purpose, I do not yet, know said goodbye to some old faces cya to some friends I thought I could trust spend my time visiting lots of new places keeping my head as ERIC free as I can, JUST! welcomed into my life, Craig, Julie and Co I love them like my family, I want the world to know and from out of dark despair, when I thought there was no one there Our Love, Respect, Appreciation for one and other, gets stronger and continues to grow They chose me as their sister, a choice some others didn't get! They truely love me, no matter, whatever the test results said I think of them and they of me, each and everyday Always honest, forever true, they never push me away So some good has come from the bad Happier times now begin, following on from the sad Smiles returning slowly, but surely, look carefully Starting to feel better, finally, and less poorly, Thankfully

0

Jul 9, 2017

Jul 9, 2017 at 1:34 PM UTC

WHAT NOW?

here to go from here? Nowhere, is my greatest fear Old habits die hard Even harder for the emotionally scarred Whom should I trust? Will I know the differenence between love and lust? Should I find 'that man', My Dad, the one I never had Will it make me, finally, happy? or only, feel more sad? What does my future hold for Kristie? from ties that bind, will I finally be set free? Will I ever meet a man I want to let close, & show him the real me? Will I ever find true love? will it ever happen to this assertive, scary lady? I feel as though I am in limbo I don't know in which direction to go Trying not to be inpatient, taking it slow Searching for signs, for my purpose, I do not yet, know said goodbye to some old faces cya to some friends I thought I could trust spend my time visiting lots of new places keeping my head as ERIC free as I can, JUST! welcomed into my life, Craig, Julie and Co I love them like my family, I want the world to know and from out of dark despair, when I thought there was no one there Our Love, Respect, Appreciation for one and other, gets stronger and continues to grow They chose me as their sister, a choice some others didn't get! They truely love me, no matter, whatever the test results said I think of them and they of me, each and everyday Always honest, forever true, they never push me away So some good has come from the bad Happier times now begin, following on from the sad Smiles returning slowly, but surely, look carefully Starting to feel better, finally, and less poorly, Thankfully

32

I feel numb, stuck, trapped My insecurities get worse each day I miss my extroverted self I don't know where I've gone? I'm existing; not living I'm not unhappy, I am not sad I'm apathetic : neither here nor there No movement, nothing changes Yet my life, my home, myself ... Have changed beyond recognition I am using this nothingness to heal Educate, restore, fix, mend In the stillness, I find my soul My brain refuses to acknowledge it Mindset is in quandary, undecided Body is aging before my own eyes Soul is vulnerable , yet open Honesty is blunt, uncomfortable for some, but necessary Old friends question and probe New friends acquired along the road Baggage weighs heavy I can not put it down These are the ramblings of the mentally unwell Emotionally unstable, is my label I wear it well: you really couldn't tell Unless you are reading this I'll pretend and disguise the panic in my eyes Censor my language, no triggers spoken Not to alarm, not to self harm Just keep quiet, be good, continue to be misunderstood

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Sep 28, 2016

Sep 28, 2016 at 11:31 AM UTC

THE VOID - 13/10/15

I feel numb, stuck, trapped My insecurities get worse each day I miss my extroverted self I don't know where I've gone? I'm existing; not living I'm not unhappy, I am not sad I'm apathetic : neither here nor there No movement, nothing changes Yet my life, my home, myself ... Have changed beyond recognition I am using this nothingness to heal Educate, restore, fix, mend In the stillness, I find my soul My brain refuses to acknowledge it Mindset is in quandary, undecided Body is aging before my own eyes Soul is vulnerable , yet open Honesty is blunt, uncomfortable for some, but necessary Old friends question and probe New friends acquired along the road Baggage weighs heavy I can not put it down These are the ramblings of the mentally unwell Emotionally unstable, is my label I wear it well: you really couldn't tell Unless you are reading this I'll pretend and disguise the panic in my eyes Censor my language, no triggers spoken Not to alarm, not to self harm Just keep quiet, be good, continue to be misunderstood

30

24.07.07 - by Kristie Townsend 3 October 2009 at 17:36 In a darkened pit a space in which I seem to fit despair, fear, my escorts here and paranoia chased hard at my rear been given a label a title, of which I am quite able to stick upon my frowning forehead whilst still wishing I was dead suicidial emotions irrational words spoken secret ritual, daily self harm like starvation and cutting my arm plaster on that fake grin take it all on my chin never to surrender, never to give in for I am merely another child borne of sin

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Sep 27, 2016

Sep 27, 2016 at 9:13 PM UTC

As yet untitled

24.07.07 - by Kristie Townsend 3 October 2009 at 17:36 In a darkened pit a space in which I seem to fit despair, fear, my escorts here and paranoia chased hard at my rear been given a label a title, of which I am quite able to stick upon my frowning forehead whilst still wishing I was dead suicidial emotions irrational words spoken secret ritual, daily self harm like starvation and cutting my arm plaster on that fake grin take it all on my chin never to surrender, never to give in for I am merely another child borne of sin

18

cutting ties that bind - by Kristie So I cut myself with a knife just to see if I can still feel any thing in this pathetic life But I feel nothing at all as I watch my crimsom blood fall I score my skin, deeper and deeper, push the knife in nothing..... not even a sting...absolutely nothing I fantically seek a virginal place I can carve, cut away my hate self loathing, disgust, as I look at myself, what a ******* state Waiting to faint, as my blood seeps and escapes but as if mocking me, I have to wait relief comes at a price, a deadly cost and reminds me of all that i've lost tired and sleepy, waiting for death to collect me I've planned for no one to save me, finally be free one last slice, just to ensure deep across artery, my blood pumps no more

0

Sep 25, 2016

Sep 25, 2016 at 10:55 PM UTC

CUTTING THE TIES THAT BIND

cutting ties that bind - by Kristie So I cut myself with a knife just to see if I can still feel any thing in this pathetic life But I feel nothing at all as I watch my crimsom blood fall I score my skin, deeper and deeper, push the knife in nothing..... not even a sting...absolutely nothing I fantically seek a virginal place I can carve, cut away my hate self loathing, disgust, as I look at myself, what a ******* state Waiting to faint, as my blood seeps and escapes but as if mocking me, I have to wait relief comes at a price, a deadly cost and reminds me of all that i've lost tired and sleepy, waiting for death to collect me I've planned for no one to save me, finally be free one last slice, just to ensure deep across artery, my blood pumps no more

17

D.N.A RESULTS by Kristie Townsend (23.07.07) patiently I wait for the pain to stop for blackness to overwhelm my fractious senses for death to soothe my destroyed emotions for eternal silence to end my indifferent pretenses but even drug induced comas or the gift of life, twice leaving my children, or those whom proclaim to care are enough of an incentive for me to wish to remain here I lost my daddy, Eric, Mr T I betrayed myself, I fell apart I believed the DNA results would set me free instead they broke my fragile heart But the universe and life unfolds as indeed it should although not always as I would like or desire and one day, when I look back Im sure Ill be glad that It wasnt my time to expire

0

Sep 25, 2016

Sep 25, 2016 at 5:53 PM UTC

DNA RESULTS

D.N.A RESULTS by Kristie Townsend (23.07.07) patiently I wait for the pain to stop for blackness to overwhelm my fractious senses for death to soothe my destroyed emotions for eternal silence to end my indifferent pretenses but even drug induced comas or the gift of life, twice leaving my children, or those whom proclaim to care are enough of an incentive for me to wish to remain here I lost my daddy, Eric, Mr T I betrayed myself, I fell apart I believed the DNA results would set me free instead they broke my fragile heart But the universe and life unfolds as indeed it should although not always as I would like or desire and one day, when I look back Im sure Ill be glad that It wasnt my time to expire

17

FOR MY FRIEND.........By kristie Townsend 31.10.09 31 October 2009 at 22:06 I have a friend my love for her, has no end through all of the good stuff, and some times that are bad she proves to me, that she is the bestest friend that I ever had through all the laughter, and and all the tears through the passing of the seasons, and of the years we share with each other all of our hopes, dreams and fears United, together we confront adversity if it nears Through thick and through thin at times when we lose and the triumphs that we win my friend has been my constant companion, she is strong at my side She provides all of the tissues, to mop up the tears that I've cried Petty squabbles and arguements are only a temporary divide all feelings of anger and annoyance are quick to subside this poem is for you, my way of saying THANKS this poem is for my mate ...............................??? you fill in the blanks!!

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Sep 25, 2016

Sep 25, 2016 at 4:46 PM UTC

FOR MY FRIEND

FOR MY FRIEND.........By kristie Townsend 31.10.09 31 October 2009 at 22:06 I have a friend my love for her, has no end through all of the good stuff, and some times that are bad she proves to me, that she is the bestest friend that I ever had through all the laughter, and and all the tears through the passing of the seasons, and of the years we share with each other all of our hopes, dreams and fears United, together we confront adversity if it nears Through thick and through thin at times when we lose and the triumphs that we win my friend has been my constant companion, she is strong at my side She provides all of the tissues, to mop up the tears that I've cried Petty squabbles and arguements are only a temporary divide all feelings of anger and annoyance are quick to subside this poem is for you, my way of saying THANKS this poem is for my mate ...............................??? you fill in the blanks!!

18